A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:How do I get out of the mindset that somebody I can't be with is "the one" for me? I was dumped by this girl a year ago now, due to problems in our relationship we couldn't overcome. i.e. We went to different uni's, and so she let distance become a reason to break us up.So, she wasn't the one. But it was so long ago, and I still have days where all I think about is how I miss her, and maybe even still love her with all my heart. The reason I say maybe is because it's been so long. I've been with other girls since her, but nothing near as significant, physical, or meaningful.I feel a little mixed up. I feel like I still love her, but I know I shouldn't. Is time the only thing that can help me? Reply to this Question
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female
reader, Stayc63088  +, writes (16 April 2008):
 No it is quite normal. Or if it is abnormal, I am right there with you. It had been over a year for me and I wasn't over my ex. I would see his name on things or hear our song on the radio and swear it was a sign we were meant to be. I cried too. He had moved on, had another girlfriend and was happy. I had been through numerous boyfriends and here I was, over one year later, just crying over him. Never cried over the other ones I lost, just him. I wouldn't let anyone around me bring him up cause of how upset it made me. I always said the time I was with him was the happiest time of my life and I will never have it back. This may be you, it may not, but I'm telling you I have been where you are. And also, I never said it was not hopeless. I said to make sure it is over and there is no chance because it will help you. I wasn't over my ex and we were talking on the phone. For some reason I just thought we were so great together and couldn't see why we weren't together so I asked him and said we should date again. He said it wouldn't happen, we are better off as friends. This hurt. It was what I needed though. Having him say this was like- "We really won't be dating ever again. He isn't the one." A few months later I was over it. Closure works. If in your mind you don't understand why you aren't together or think she may still care then it makes it worse. And time, you need a lot of time. Yes, one year is long, but time heals all. I know people who it took them 4 years to get over their ex but are the happiest they have ever been right now. As you probably know already, dating other people until you are over her is a bad idea. You will just compare them and become more upset. And again as I always say, what is meant to be will be. No matter what you are going through now if you two are meant to be together then you will be. If you are not meant to be together, then you won't. This helped me too. And it's the truth. Everything happens for a reason. You may not know the reason now but you will one day. I really hope I'm getting through and you believe me. It is hard as hell but just push her out of your mind. Keep yourself busy, helps out really well when you keep your mind on something else. And remember that if it wasnt meant to be then that's that. Since you beliveve in "the one" you most likely should believe in all of that. Good luck... If I still wasn't of any help I apologize sincerely.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 April 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for the answers, but please, no more talk of "maybe it's not hopeless" I can't hear that. I can't start believing there is hope for us. We're done. I can't get her back. I wish I could, and that's why I can't hear that I still can.
Even though you say it's normal, I find it hard to believe. I've seen people go through heartbreak and seem to have recovered after a matter of months. But look at me. All this time has past, and some days when people talk to me about it, I still feel upset. Surely that shouldn't be?
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A
female
reader, Stayc63088 +, writes (8 April 2008):
I know the same exact feeling. Its been a year, why am I not over him yet?? And sometimes feel like he/she is your soulmate, thats why no one else has meant so much and why you arent over her. You are still in love. Put simply. There is no reason you should be over it by now, so dont worry that you shouldnt have these feelings. It can take years to get over someone. Also you may have never gotten closure since you broke up over distance issues. As hard as it is, sometimes hearing the other person say "no it will never happen again", is what you need. If I were you I would talk to her. This way you dont have to wonder what her feelings are or if she isnt over you yet either etc. You can call her and ask how she is, maybe start up a conversation, then ask "so do you ever think of me?" or whatever you feel comfortable asking. She could want to try again or she could be over you completely, but it would be good to know either way. Its much easier to believe you arent meant to be when the other person doesnt want to be with you. Closure and time will help you get over it. Good luck with everything.
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A
female
reader, Emajayne  +, writes (7 April 2008):
 Time is the best healer... but so is the want to get better. I think u still do have a lot of feelings for this girl and maybe its not completely hopeless. Are you still in touch with her? Maybe when u are both done school u can "bump" into her and take her out for coffee and catch up, see where things go. I think u should tell her how u feel. U dont have anything to lose cause u arent in direct contact with her. Distance is a huge factor in whether a relationship will work or not but i wouldnt say its a reason to break up, more an excuse. Try to see what exactly it was that she broke up with u for. It will hurt finding out, but at least it will put ur mind at ease and u can at least try once more to get over her.
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