A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hello everyone,To make it short and simple I want to start by saying my boyfriend and I have been going out for 5 years. We've had our ups and downs in the relationship but always knew how to steer it back on the right track when things were going wrong. We were inseperable and our families loved eachother as well as each of us too. At times when he would just say we need a break because of stress and stuff we would end up getting back together within like 2 weeks. The past week he was acting strange and ignoring me. I went to go see him at his business(he owns it so its not like I barged in his work while other people were around) and once he saw me he drove away. I saw him drive back to his job when I pretended to leave and went back. His friend was in the car and when I asked my bf to step out and talk to me he was acting all tough and bad being rude and all of this. Making excuses. I was upset and left. Spoke to his mom briefly and while I was speaking to his mom he was sending me text messages like leave my house, im done with you, you are out of my phone book, etc. I WAS BEYOND HURT!2 weeks have passed and I was just not myself. I wouldnt say I was depressed but I was an emotional wreck. Quick fact- he opened up the business with his marijuana dealing pot smoking friend and ever since they opened the business in July things have been going downhill with me and him. He seems so caught up in the business and brain washed by his friend....Anyways I decided to text him and tell him he has mail at my house that he needs to pick up. He gets junk mail to my house but really I said that because I wanted to give him a hand written letter I wrote to him about my feelings, us and what went wrong? He ended up texting me back instantly and said ok. I said you can come by tommorow and text/call me before you come. He replied by Ok thank you.I was shocked that he was replying back fast when he could've easily said throw it out because he knows its junk or said just send it to my house.Long story short. He called me that day later on and asked if he can pick them up tonight. I said okay. Later on he came over, came in my house, we said hi sat down in my kitchen, briefly chatted like hey whats up, he saw our dog(he got her for me 3 years ago on valentines day) and then I gave him the letter. I said you dont have mail but this is what I wanted to give to you and this is the only way to get through. He looked at me like he completely understood and said ok and put it in his pocket. As he was getting ready to leave he grabbed my face. Told me I miss you, and started kissing me. Obviously I didnt want it because I dont want to be like friends with benefits but I just couldnt push him off. I became myself again and I was loving it. He was hugging me, playing with my hair, kissed my neck, and I was just getting emotionally happy. He also has a tattoo of my name on his heart and I jokingly moved his shirt to see if it was still there and I was like oh you still have it and he said "yes!"... Finally he left and said ill hit u up later and you can always text me.The next day I hadnt heard from him at all. The day after I texted him hi, he replied hey and then I asked if he read the letter. He gave me no answer. We started texting a little more and he said I dont want to be in a relationship right now. I want to be alone. (typical scorpio). Weve been thru this before but this time I feel it is really more the end. I said cool, but I just want to see you again face to face so we can gain closure and leave off with no hard feelings or anger. I said maybe you can come by tommorow. He said ok talk to you tommorow and that was it.I feel as if he was just brushing me off and he is never going to talk to me again. I feel he wont make the move to text me and be like lets talk im coming over. I just feel he is afraid if we see eachother our emotions will take over and we will be back together. I want to text him and be like do you want to come over later so we can talk like we said yesterday but I just dont want to seem needy and desperate and nor will I find it easy to move on. I am having such a hard time. Everyone is saying move on move on but it is so hard. I just want to remain close friends with him and still be able to talk to him. Will ignoring him and maybe texting him in a month or so be in my favor. Once again he is stubborn and doesnt like to make the first move. I am in a rut and I need help emotionally.
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female
reader, alien invasion +, writes (26 August 2012):
 A lot of people have made some good points on "being friends with an ex" so I won't get into that.
What I will get into is that if you really see a future with this guy and love him and want to make things work, talk to him. A lot. Have the most serious conversation of your life. See what you can manage. See what you two can work out. But if he's just going to drop your relationship just like that and be happy with it, then forget about him. If he's able to just say he is in no need of your wonderful time, love and company anymore... then there is someone else out there who is.
A
female
reader, Stayc63088 +, writes (25 August 2012):
 I agree completely with the first 4 posters. BW123 had some good points about being able to be civil but such a short time after breaking up being friends just will not be possible. It doesn't make the change gradual and less drastic to continue to be "friends" right now, it makes it more miserable and takes longer to move on because you keep experiencing set backs. Every time you try to talk to him you will hope he is going to come around to wanting to be in a relationship again. He will probably come over and even end up making out or more then leave and still say he doesn't want a relationship- making you feel used and more upset than before. You CANNOT be friends with someone you still want to be with. Even saying you want friends I think you know you don't mean it, you want to keep him around until he changes his mind back and/or think it will be easier on you if you can still call whenever you want. It isn't. You will just want what you had and be let down more and more every time it doesn't happen.
Down the road when you have both moved on then it could be possible to speak to him in a friendly manner. I don't think you will be close friends because there is too much history there but you can be civil with each other. Right now you just need to move on as hard as it is. And it isn't what you want to hear so I am sorry for that. Pinktopaz has great advice and would be good to follow it. You are young and can move on, but stay away from him! If you need someone to talk to or help with dealing with the pain from the break up you can email me, I have a lot of experience with break ups.
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A
female
reader, BW123 +, writes (25 August 2012):
I do think it's possible to be friends with an ex. It's not like you'll be going to get pedicures together or anything but I agree that it's nice to be able to send a "how are you" text every so often. I do this with a few men that I've dated in the past that have made an impact on my life and I'm happy to still be a part of theirs, albeit a small part.I recently broke up with my ex of 4 years, our relationship had its ups and downs. I had never fought like that with anyone before, he regularly disappointed me and he did some pretty messed up things. But when I had finally had it and decided that I was sick of crying over some jerk-off thing he did, I just took about a 3-4 week break from calling or texting and spent some time alone. Gradually, friends appeared out of the woodwork and I had developed a nice routine of doing things that I liked and having a general piece of mind that I found enjoyable. After two months, I found out from a close friend that my ex-bf had been cheating on me but I didn't care anymore because I had gotten out. I was and am so happy I finally took the step to a more enjojable and drama free life without him. Yet, I am a sensitive person and I can't push aside the fact that we spent over four years growing together. He is a part of my life as is his family, who I respect. I'm happy to say that if I ever needed anything or vice versa, we'd be there for each other. His family helped me just two weeks ago with a personal issue that I had at work. I can text him on his birthday and ask him brief questions about fantasy football, it's nice. I don't ever have any intention of getting back together but I don't hate his guts and I still care about his well-being. I think you can do the same as well. It's definitely possible. And it makes breaking up easier because it's more gradual. This cold-turkey approach to breaking up is too drastic and can drive you back to them. If you're not careful, you just might end up marrying this guy and your life will always be a roller coaster, it happened to one of my friends... watch out!
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (25 August 2012):
 I'm sorry you are hurting but I have to say that I have never found it possible to be friends with an ex. Friendly Yes. Civil yes... able to be around each other with new partners Yes.... able to work together if need be yes... but FRIENDS... much less close friends... NOT going to happen.
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A
female
reader, pinktopaz +, writes (25 August 2012):
Okay, so it sounds like you need a reality check. You've been together 5-years and you're in your early 20's my guess is that he's probably your first "real" boyfriend?
1. He's being a jerk and purposely trying to push you away. Usually when people start acting that way (which came across as no reason, you didn't go into detail) they're up to something that you don't know about.
2. He suddenly doesn't want a relationship right now when you've been together 5-years. Sounds like he wants to see other people.
3. Don't worry if ignoring him etc. will be in your "favor." You shouldn't WANT to be friends with him.
4. People break up everyday and have to move on, you can too. But you absolutely can't if you're still keeping in touch with him. There is no reason to be friends and I personally have never understood why people want this type of situation. He was your boyfriend and breaking up means you are no longer friends. When you are no longer friends with someone do you still try to be friends? No. That makes no sense. Once both parties are completely over each other and have moved on with their lives, then yes, it is possibly to have a platonic friendship, but by that time they usually don't care to anymore anyway.
5. It's always hard to move on especially when you're used to being with someone for 5-years. I'm sure you had a level of comfort and now you no longer have that. But he hasn't been treating you very well lately and he doesn't even deserve your "friendship." It's hard, but you'll be okay but if you keep trying to remain in contact you will only prolong the process and inevitably make it harder and more painful for yourself.
6. It's time to focus on yourself. You can probably have a lot of fun with this. You're in your early 20's and you've had a boyfriend for 5-years. You haven't had the chance to experience being young and single. Go and experience it. Do what you enjoy doing that you haven't been able to. Spend time with your friends, family, etc. If you feel like calling/texting him, call/text a friend instead.
Good luck!
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A
female
reader, BondGirl72 +, writes (25 August 2012):
 I agree with Cerberus 100%. I would also like to add that if it was possible to be friends (and it isn't), I am not sure why you would want to be friends with someone who has treated you so poorly. I have enemies who treat me better than this guy treated you.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 August 2012): "Everyone is saying move on move on but it is so hard. I just want to remain close friends with him and still be able to talk to him."
Well then you're a lost cause and there's nothing we can do to help you OP.
You don't work in a relationship together and you never will, and you won't work as friends either because your feelings are too strong.
Seeing as you can't walk away and move on you're just going to be stuck in this rut of on/off crap until you do. That's it, end of story, there's really nothing we can do to help you.
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