A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I'm in a relationship with a great guy we've been together for over 2 years now and have had relatively few problems (well every couple has their share but nothing worth breaking up over!)... until now!! Now I have a very big problem! See, neither of us ever want to have children. And ironically enough for the last couple of months we have been discussing our future, whether we'll get married, etc. and we were trying to decide which one of us should get sterilized, so that we don't have to worry about pregnancy anymore. We were thinking that he would get a vasectomy. Wellll... we're always careful about birth control (I am on the pill and he wears a condom)... but somehow I am pregnant! I took a test once my period didn't come and it was positive. So I have made an appointment for Monday at my physicians office. I plan to get an abortion (and then I plan to get my tubes tied for good so that this never happens again!). But when I told my boyfriend I was pregnant he started acting very funny. He told me that we should keep it, raise it together! How ridiculous. I hate children. I hate babies. I know everyone thinks they're cute or whatever- I don't, I don't want to feed it, wake up to hear it crying, change it's diaper, drop it off at school or at soccer games, have heart-to-heart talks, or teach it to read, I don't want any of that stuff. Just thinking of it makes me feel drained of energy. Too much work, too much effort. I just have no maternal instinct at all. I don't think I would be a good mother, I like my life too much the way it is. And I don't want to go through a pregnancy and a birth. No way. I like my body the way it is, and I certainly don't like the prospect of 15 hours of labor and pain, or the idea of tearing down there and needing stitches, none of this stuff sounds appealing. It's just not worth it to me. That's why adoption is off the table for me. If I changed my mind and was ever going to have kids I would definitely adopt just for the reason that I don't want to carry a parasite inside me for 9 months and then squeeze it out... no, no, no... never doing that.I told all of this stuff to my boyfriend and he called me selfish, immature, etc, etc- he said he wanted to keep it and raise it. But I was just like... well, if I'm selfish and immature I probably shouldn't be having a baby then, should I? And he left and said he had thinking to do. Sooooooo apparently all his talk about never wanting kids was crap? I wonder why he never told me this? From the day I met him he has said that he never wanted kids. And now it's changed just because I'm knocked up? He can't handle the fact that I've decided to get rid of it, he's acting like he's shocked at me. But I told him a million times that I never wanted to be pregnant, or give birth, or have kids. So it shouldn't be so hard for him to understand. I have no idea what's gotten into him. I am afraid he's going to break up with me if I don't keep the kid. But I have already decided that I'm going to abort it. I'm doing what's best for me and he really resents it. I told him that if he were the pregnant one he'd be free to do as he wished with his uterus. I haven't heard of him since he left me (yesterday) and I've been wondering what to do about us. I really do love him and our relationship is pretty strong. I told him about the pregnancy as soon as I found out and since then he hasn't been himself. Can anyone explain this? Is he just in shock? Will things ever return to normal?
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female
reader, missy23  +, writes (2 November 2011):
Girl if I can give you a trophy award I would. You are doing what I should have done. I never wanted children. I always hated them. My periods were the worst growing up and i can only imagine what child labor would be like. Hearing a child's scream or tantrum made sick to my stomach. I never gave up at that notion even when i met the love of life. Well he was with someone at the time that we met, so we ended it and went our separate ways. I met someone else, and I was just using him to get over my first love. My 2nd man then had feelings for me, so he told me. Eventually I got knocked up accidently. Now let me tell you what your life will be like if you decide to keep it. I kept my pregnancy from all the pressure from everyone else, funny since they are not raising it. I also kept as a form as punishment for engaging in sex. My body was a size 0 but in my pregnancy i gain 100 1bs, there was a lot of stretch marks, my stomach never recovered it is all flabby and nasty. Giving birth mde my vagina hang immediately afterwards. And now it is not as tight as it once was. But raising it has been complete hell. Bringing it home from the hospital. All the nights of crying , changing 10 diapers a day. Doctors appointment, childcare that is so fucken expensive, just to be away from the kid. Now that kid is going to be six, and no it never gets easier, it just gets harder. The kid is full of tantrums, screaming fits, wants, and all day have to potty train it. This is the bare minimum. Dont go through life making your life a hell with kids, believe there is alot more a whole lot more, in all of these years of having it, it has only brought a total of 1 hour of happiness. If you dont want it dont have it. I am tired of all these people screaming pro-life but unwilling to do anything about child abuse that comes from having these kids. You know what you want, it is likely that if it is ingrain in you, this will not change. Be true to yourself, and if this guy loved you he would accept you, you were honest with him. I wish i would have done the same everyday, my body would still be in the same condition as it was before. I would have left my forced marriage a long time ago. I would go out and party every night, instead of being stuck here every night with the kids, (yeah i said kids cause we thought it, the 2nd kid would fix everything). My money would go to me instead of spending thousands a years on stupid kid shit.
A
female
reader, Philosopher  +, writes (20 September 2008):
Maybe it could be his stance on abortion. Is he Pro-Life? If not, is he only pro-choice in cases of medical necessity or rape or incest? He may not want kids, but he may be against abortion.
Another possibility is that he actually does want kids and when it came to actually getting sterilised he would have delayed or chickened out or something.
It's unlikely, but he may have even sabotaged the pills (or got you to eat/do something to lessen their effect) and condoms in the hopes you would get pregnant and that he could change your mind.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 September 2008): First of all if you want an abortion thats your choice and I think that you aren't being selfish, you'd be selfish to have a child like you just said so don't listen to all the crap people are going to give you for it.
Second of all he was probably saying all this talk about not wanting kids but then it hit him when he found out you're pregnant... It really hits people in weird ways but personally you do what you think is right. He's probably in shock right now with the pregnancy and the fact that your sticking to your word about it. With it ever being the same well only time will tell.
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A
male
reader, Replacement +, writes (20 September 2008):
 I don't really think you're selfish or immature. You know what you want. Not everyone on this planet wants to have children, and it's a respectable decision in my view. I'm sure others will judge you for it, but everyone is on this planet to live their lives, and it's up to you what experiences you want/do not want to have. Sounds like you did all that you could to prevent pregnancy but accidents happen. It's unfortunate in a way but in another way it's a valuable experience for your relationship. It sounds like your boyfriend was never quite as sure as you are that he didn't want children. But you sound pretty sure that you never want kids (and 100% sure that you never want pregnancy)- so you have to ask yourself, would this relationship work in the long term? If there came a time when he wanted a child would you be willing to adopt for him, if not go through pregnancy? If you don't like children or the idea of being a mother then there's a good chance that you shouldn't be a mother. Because you wouldn't make a good mother to your child, and every child deserves to be wanted and loved. Perhaps you two are just incompatible, or maybe he will change his mind again. He sounds confused whereas you sound the opposite, you sound very clear-minded and sure. Give him a few days to mull it over, maybe call him after your doctors appointment to tell him how it went (if he hasn't already contacted you before then). It's his choice whether or not he stays with you, but it sounds like this pregnancy came at the right time (before you two had made any formal arrangements like getting engaged or sterilized)- it'll definitely test your relationship. Good luck.
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A
male
reader, Talksense  +, writes (20 September 2008):
This is a very interesting situation. You really don't have any maternal instincts do you? callin a child a parasite!! Well, one thing is for sure he is right what he said you're extremely selfish.
Obviously, at the time he were sayin he don't want no kids he was acting immaturely and he never knew what he wanted, the fact is if he really deep down didn't want a child like you don't, then he would be whiskin you down the abortion clinic in a flash. The fact he isn't is a good thing for you both cos it shows how different you 2 really are and the relationship has no chance of surviving.
You're talkin about ' i love him so much ' the only person you love is yourself, it's almost as if you're a narcissist.
But, if is this how you really feel then, that's it and it's good it's happened now because you would only eventually would split up anyway probably wasting a few more years in the process, so you need to find someone like yourself, who def knows what he wants. It's not what you wanna hear but it's my opinion you'll have to wait n see.
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