A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Is there any advice for us???? I have gone from being so very very happy when my now fiance proposed to me 2 months ago to feeling like I just want to cry. Basically we had a huge argument last week which resulted in lots of screaming and shouting and him breaking some things after I questioned why he wanted to marry me. This all came from him being very frustrated because he says we don't have enough sex (it's normally once or twice a week). I'd be the first to admit I don't initiate it hardly at all which is crazy because I am very, very physically attracted to him but I am satisfied with a kiss and a cuddle though and am sometimes too lazy I guess for sex. Even when we argued we both said we never stopped loving each other for a minute so I know we have a real good thing but this isn't the first time this issue has come up so I want to tackle it before I marry him next year.
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female
reader, AskEve +, writes (13 October 2008):
 Sex with your partner should never be seen as a chore but as a way of expressing your feelings for one another. You need to reassure your partner that you love him and what better way than to demonstrate this to him physically. Eddie put it beautifully, men ARE hunters and having sex with their partner is a NEED! Put yourself out for him a little and show him how much you love him. Buy some sexy lingerie and YOU take the lead for a change! He'll absolutely love it!
~Eve~
A
male
reader, eddie  +, writes (13 October 2008):
 I have encountered this before. I'll explain my view. It is usually the male who is trying to get more sex. Men tend to be the hunters and women are the prey.(I know it's not ALWAYS this way but it is mostly accurate)
Sex is a need. It is something we are supposed to do. Some of us want more than others. The problem here is that you have all the power. There is obviously nothing he can do to pull you a little more in his direction. It is terribly frustrating to him because he has no other options.
He is giving you the hint that he desires to have sex with you and this is what he's hearing in return....." I like sex, I'm attracted to you, I know you want sex.....but I can't be bothered." This is also reinforced by the fact you never initiate sex with him. He possibly feels that the only way he'll get sex is to be constantly asking for it. He feels subservient and under your control. You are not allowing him to use his masculine traits that he needs to exercise. These trailts help define him as a man. In other words he wants to feel desired by you. You're telling him..." yeah, yeah, don't worry I desire you just not enough to have sex." You say yourself you are lazy about it and therefore he does not feel like a priority to you. You are making a choice to not have sex with him.
This does not mean he gets to have sex any time he wants. There is a balance that can be reached here. What you might want to do is to surprise him. When you do feel the urge to have sex.....just do it. Put some planning into it. Let him know it was a priority that day. He will feel like the king of the jungle. Even if you didn't really care if you had sex or not, he'll never know. He'll go to work feeling like a champ. He won't know and he'll be happy. If you enjoy sex as you say, you'll be happy too.
As I mentioned before, you are not to be totally dominated by him either. You should though see his desire for you as a compliment. How would you feel if he was showing his sexual desire to another woman. You see, you can't demand he give you all his attention and then ignore that same attention.
I have come to the conclusion that we become a little too complacent when were comfortable in relationships. WE begin to take our partners for granted. That is what you're doing. Let's be honest. I'll bet when you first began having sex with your guy it was great and you were thinking about it more than now. I also would bet if you were to break up with him and begin dating another man, you'd be really interested in sex again. It's all about complacency. You know you've got your guy so you no longer have to try so hard.
The good news is that you already understand that you have still have the desire. That is very important because some people don't. You just need to demonstrate this to your guy.
Lastly, let me give you an example. If we agree that sex is a human need we can understand a little better. You are the boss of a work place. Your workers toil in the hot sun. You sit in the air conditioned office and watch. You also have the key to the cabinet that hold the water. You are in charge and only give the toiling workers a drink when YOU'RE thirsty. Do you see my point? Resentment builds very quickly, as seen in your fight with your man. Resentment is a poison that will kill a relationship. Women generally have the power and should use it wisely.
Did this make sense to you?
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen  +, writes (13 October 2008):
 People's sex drives vary. But I have a couple questions. Do you enjoy sex when you have it? If you do, I'm not sure why you would be lazy about it? Do you feel it is hard work? For your marriage to work there has to be more give and take. You need to increase the sex a bit and he needs to decrease his expectations a bit. It's a matter of both of you making the effort to please the one you love.
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