A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I meet the man of my dreams 2 years ago. From the very first night we met we have talked ever single night without fail for 3 to 5 hours depending on the day and work. We have become best friends. We talk about our future all the time. It's a beautiful future with great promise. And we both know that we love each other more than anyone else in our lives. The problem is we are both too afraid to even become boyfriend and girlfriend officially, let alone start a life together. When I was a child I was molested for many years by one man. The other men I saw growing up all lied and cheated. No one ever touched me to give me hugs or kisses (accept inappropriately). It has left me afraid of people and their intentions. He grew up with a father who was too drugged out to care that his family was starving and a mother who did some questionable things to him. It turned him into a complete loner who doesn't depend on or trust anyone. I have avoided every attempt a man made to get in a relationship with me and he had one relationship where she was the love of his life and she left him. As much as we love each other I think we are both very afraid of each other. We only can say we love each other in coded ways that keeps us from getting hurt but the other person knows what we mean. 90 % cause we just get along so well but the other 10% is fear of the person getting hurt or upset. We haven't even had sex cause we are a little afraid of what will happen. But I don't know anyone that has the kind of love we have for each other. It's a much purer and deeper love then I thought existed. But I am at the point of feeling hopeless. We love each other but are both don't trust people enough to go to counselors to figure this out. I want to be with him more than anything in the world but I know he is terrified that the minute it becomes more he will loose me. And he has said he would rather it stay this way and always keep me then risk losing me by pushing it into something more. I know it's because he feels like he isn't ever going to be a good enough man to deserve me or be a good boyfriend/husband. I do understand that feeling. I know he isn't with another woman or anything. We aren't the people stalling on a commitment. I know we are just two really messed up people trying to figure it out as we go. I know that if we stopped being with each other we would both go back to being alone, not find someone else. I feel like we are both just timid rabbits most of the time. I know we are more paralyzed by fear than anything else. Wanting more than anything to be with each other but both afraid of losing the only person in life we trust. Do we just need more time to let the fears go away? Sometimes I feel like we are healing together. I see that we are getting better. I know it takes time to heal such deep scars but I get so frustrated sometimes. Any advice would be so, so helpful.
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female
reader, Laura1318  +, writes (10 May 2010):
 God bless you two.You made my day ! Thank you for your response.
A
male
reader, rcn +, writes (10 May 2010):
 You're welcome. Take care. I hope all works out for the both of you.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 May 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI just wanted to thank you all for your advice. When I wrote the question I was at a pretty hopeless place and just needed some direction after so long. I was really afraid people were going to say hateful things or try to fight with me, so to have you guys answer so graciously and so helpfully really means a lot. Because it has encouraged me greatly.
Moo Mum, I think you are so right. One of the reasons I posted the question is that I have been afraid that the more this goes on, the more fear I think we are feeling. And I really like the idea of setting a date to go further and not forcing each other cause I think he is as scared at disappointing me as I am of being vulnerable sexually. So making it no pressure seems great. And I think I will apply that in general too. Because we definitely seem to do better when we both don't feel pressure.
Laura1318, I know that verse, and I love it. Thank you for reminding me of it cause I think it is perfect for this situation. And I love how you said that our love will overcome the fears because I have felt this way but I have definitely lost faith that it would. So I'm glad to be reminded of that.
Danielepew, you are right. It is a matter of faith. I kind of want more concrete things to happen to make me feel better but I am realizing I'm not going to feel completely secure no matter what. Some of it has to be just jumping in.
Rcn, wow, I have to say your idea of writing to myself and to the man that hurt me really hit me hard. It absolutely terrifies me. But because of that I am going to do it because that clearly shows I need to deal with some emotions. I think the letters are a great option for me because the only person I trust to talk to about all my emotions is him but I have held off on doing that in this issue because I know it hurts him to hear the pain I went through. So I don't want to tell him everything even though he is more than willing to listen and help me. I don't like putting that burden on him to know the extent to which I was hurt. So being able to write a letter that only I see sounds like the perfect option. I know that he isn't at a stage where he will feel comfortable doing that but I know that if I lead by example and he sees how much it helps me, one day I think he will feel safe to try it too.
Again, thank you all for your advice. It really has encouraged me to keep holding on and to not worry about time tables. Just focus more on us healing together and trusting that it's going to be OK even if we are afraid sometimes. If we can be afraid together, we can also push through it together.
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A
male
reader, rcn +, writes (8 May 2010):
You're exactly right. You are healing together. I work with people who have these trauma related fears and issues.
Let's look at trauma. How do you go from the act of being molested to fearing this relationship? It's because trauma, if not addressed grows. It's as if you're replaying a horror movie in your subconscious over and over again, and each time the affect gets more intense. This is also because trauma acts as a trap. It's trapped at the age of which it happens, so part of that growth comes while you grow. You learn more about right and wrong, therefore keep trying to justify why this had happened to you. The more you know the more questions are created. What is important to remember is that what you knew at the time is what matters, not what you learn later on in life.
You deserve to live without the issues caused by the actions of someone else. Fear will continue as long as you allow it to. In working with others, we learn the power of forgiveness. Since this began as a child, it'll be 2 part. You need to write two separate letters. The first will be from you, to your child self. And the other one is to the person(s) who hurt you. You write to your child self to relieve yourself of the responsibility of what the other person did. Relieving self of blame, and releasing that part which is blocked by the trauma. Close your eyes, imagine the child you comes up to the adult you and tells you everything that has happened. What would you say to comfort her. This is what you need to do for yourself.
Part two is a little more difficult. In a way, it's confronting the one who hurt you. The second letter is one of release. It may be filled with anger, but either way it'll be emotional. You are to write as if you are speaking directly to the one who caused the pain. Directly state, "because of what you did, this is how it affected me." Detail it. Detail your fear, placing blame on his actions for that change. Then at the end, you need to forgive them. You do this not because they deserve to be forgiven, but because you deserve to live without their actions haunting you. The term "forgiveness is divine" that holds so true. I've met so many people who now have control of their lives from the power of forgiveness.
Remember, what happened in the past does not define who you are. What does, is what you choose to do now. I hope this helps. Take care.
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A
male
reader, Danielepew  +, writes (8 May 2010):
 I think you need to take what they call "a leap of faith". Otherwise you'll never do it.
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A
female
reader, Laura1318 +, writes (8 May 2010):
Perfect love casts out all fears.
Let your love grow strong and your fears will slowly recede . When the time is right your love will overcome those fears.
Believe in God and have faith in Him. He can protect and guide you through your life.
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A
female
reader, Moo's Mum  +, writes (8 May 2010):
 I think you both need to feel the fear and do it anyway. It's understandable that you are both scared of having sex but my feeling is that the longer you be afraid of it the bigger and scarier it will become. Pick a date and mark it on the calendar. Go out for a nice meal together. Then come home and make love. Go slowly and talk to each other all the way. Agree before hand that if something scares either of you you can say stop and that particular thing will be stopped. Keep going until you get there and then it wont be such a big thing in your mind. I also think you would both benefit enormously from couples counselling.
Good luck to you both if you remain committed to each other you will get there and you will both be stronger for it.
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