A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:its been almost 3 yrs we are both married with children ...he has 4 and i have 3. We were together the first time for 10 months he broke it off and went back to his wife and kids...a month went by he contacted me we talked on and off the on what wouldve been our anniversary we got matching tattoos...his one and only tattoo. didnt speak for 4 months. He called my job around my birthday and weve been seeing each other since, on and off. it got intense and serious 3 months ago and we told our spouses we are dont want to be with them anymore... he got a lawyer and has filed for divorce. I want a divorce but am worried about my kids and if i will be able to be ok financially. What do I do ? I truely am in love with him. The thing that is holding us back is obviously the fact we need to get divorced because we cant make it work with our spouses. I love him
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 October 2010): I understand a lot of the responses. I do have a very good stable job but with rent and daycare and bills 2 incomes is defineatly needed. That being said 4 months ago my 2 sons (mind you 10 & 11) found condoms in my husbands car! When I confronted him about it he denied it and said they were lying. Really!! I've been naive in the past like when he gave me an STD 3 years ago cureable but still an STD ! ... Why didn't i leave then I ask myself that same question ? 6 months after i met my lover... Hit off like we've knwn each other for years. It couldn't easily been a one night stand but was so much more. My husband and I have been together 15 yrs married 11... It took me 15 yrs for him to understand and be involved in the kids everyday life.
Regar
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 October 2010): I do realize the situation I have created is selfish to some point... However my husband has cheated on me as well and in June my children found condoms in his car. When I asked about them he denied it and made me try to believe that they were Lying and imagining things... 4 yrs ago he gave me an STD a curable but still and STD. I know the question is why now after 4 yrs or 4 months but I am tired of living in same cycle... We both have cheated and hurt each other and I feel at this point the only reason we are here together basically as roommate is for the kids and that is not fair either. We have not has any physical contact in 3 months we are not "together" but still live in the same house.
My
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (15 October 2010): Well, nothing to do but bear the price of the mistakes, and you really need to do everything in your power to make sure it isn't your children who bear the brunt of those mistakes.
You really need counseling, long term, and you really need to understand what is lacking in your marriage, that you get from the other guy.
You are probably going to find out that it was simply that you weren't married to him.
The grass really is greener on the other side of the fence, but only till you are pastured there and have to live on it and tromp around on it and find out it looks just like the pasture you left after you've been living on it.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 October 2010): Caring Guy, excellent advice! Well said. OP, you and your lover have already destroyed 2 marriages and families (2 souses and 7 kids in total who are going to pay the price for yiur selfish deeds). You are utterly selfish in thinking NOW that you would be cash strapped when you leave your hb. While you were cheating on your hb you had the best of both worlds and you thought nothing to steal your hbs hard earned money.so yes I am seemingly harsh and you don't want to admit what you have being doing to your hb and kids. Realise this, you and your lover is turning 7 innocent childrens lives upside down. But in the end these kids will work through their hurt, anger, disappointment and misery. They will survive. I hope your lover is worth it. However I cannot see him feeding 7 mouths, do you?I think while you are busy having sex with your lover you only focus on the sexual side, you have not thought about the reality and the aftermath of your divorce. Perhaps now that you know that you will be facing hard times, put your lover to the test. Will he take care of you financially the way your hb did. Will your lover do all the mundane jobs around the house? Will you lover remain faithful to you when you divorce or will you just become another statistic? You made your decision: you have chosen your lover over your family. So start counting all your pennies for that rainy day because you know you are going to need it. -LoveGirl
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy  +, writes (15 October 2010):
This is why people should not have affairs. You were happy to have the affair, have the fun and none of the responsibility. Now the moment of truth has arrived, and you're shying away. Not good enough. Sorry, but you could and should have thought about the effect this would have on your kids and the effect it would have financially some time ago, namely before the affair.
You are now in a position where your choices are limited, and are difficult. This is the price you must pay. If you are not willing to pay the price, then you are not ready to be in a relationship with anyone, and you should be alone.
First of all, this will affect your kids. You know it. They will be upset, angry, disobedient, rebellious etc. However, with enough love and care from both you and their father, and perhaps with a counsellor to help them talk things through, they will get through this.
Secondly, do not move straight in with this other guy. That will make it worse for your kids. Also, given that you're seemingly having second thoughts, I think this will give you time to think about whether this is what you want.
Thirdly, as for money, we have a saying in Britain "You'll just have to tighten your purse strings, my dead" - i.e. being poor after a divorce is something you'll have to live with. Get a job, get a raise, live a little less. That's the way it is.
Sorry if all this sounds harsh, but you ignored responsibility to have an affair, and now you have to face up. Get the divorce, live alone for a while and make sure this is what you want.
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A
male
reader, Cerberus_Raphael  +, writes (15 October 2010):
 You cannot stay in your marriage right now. I know it is a strange question but is your husband willing to pay for the children at least? Will your current lover not support you financially? Why would you have to worry about your own financial stability? He is already taking that step to divorce a woman he does not love anymore. Something he should have done a long time ago. You have to take that same step. Either way, you have to be honest with your husband, you do not love him anymore and you cannot stay in a loveless marriage. Money or no, there has to be a way. If you kids are alright can you not rely on your lover for financial issues? Do you have a job? If you do, can you ask for a raise? If you don't then you have to start looking for one.
Just be honest with everyone, that is the most important thing to do right now.
I hope that helps.
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