A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I am a married 40 year old woman. I am attracted to a male married friend whose wife is also my friend. Our famlies are very close and we all meet up regularly. I have never let this man know about my feelings and have never acted on them. We have been friends for 15 years and always flirted and bantered but nothing improper. I respect our friendship very much but lately the feelings of attraction have become overwhelming. We always kiss one another hello and goodbye, on the cheek, but lately this man has been kissing me on the lips each time. I can't get it out of my mind. Does it mean he feels the same? I would never risk an affair as I know his marriage is happy (mine is less so). But I feel so powerfully attracted to him and feel guilty for thinking these thoughts. How do I move on?
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, No watered down advice here! +, writes (31 October 2010):
 Yes. Start by forgiving him for the affair. That's a start. You did mention you had counseling, but you did feel the need to bring it back up, I feel it's still some unresolved resentments, you can start with writing down "I" statements and going to him with those and owning your own feeling instead of pointing fingers in his direction it'll only cause conflict. Own your feelings keep your power. When someone can control your happiness they control YOU! Don't allow that. And keep us informed.~No Watered Down Advice here!
A
reader, anonymous, writes (31 October 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the question
You have assumed that I wanted to know the answer because I want to know if the coast is clear to embark on an affair. Not so. I know what MY intentions are (to remain friends as we have always been). The question I wanted answered was about what HIS intentions might be. So that I could know to extract myself to ensure his wife and my husband weren't going to get hurt. If I were my girlfriend, the person I would feel disgusted and betrayed by would be my husband, who did the kissing. He is the one behaving innappropriately and breaking his marriage vows. He is the one apparently looking for an affair (If the male opinions here are correct).
Of course I feel 'giddy' about the fantasy coming to life. But I am not stupid or disrespectful enough to think it should go any further . And knowing him I don't believe he would either. He's not a cad (though I accept I could be wrong about that).
Initially I did believe the first kiss was just an accident. The second time I realised it must be intentional. But I was truly confused about whether it was sexually intentional. I think we have answered that question now and I hope I have put to rest the issue of "to have or have not an affair". Thank you for taking the time to help me sort this out. I will keep trying to get my husband to talk about our own marriage. Any advice about overcoming his stonewalling??
could be wrong).
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (31 October 2010): Basically you have had the hots for him since you met him and gauging from your post... you told your husband about it. Now, he is responding to your vibe. Trust me, if you are sexually fantasizing about a man for as long as you have... you are giving off some sort of a vibe.Okay, so now he is responding. You feel all giddy and have most likely stepped up the fantasizing. In one of your posts you said that as far as you know there is nothing immoral about having a fantasy.That all depends. Some would say that you've already done it in your heart and mind. The body is merely secondary. You've had a long standing sexual affair with your friend's husband in your mind. That is called 'coveting'.In some religions that is considered a sin.To quote you, "I wasn't asking "shall I have sex with him?" but rather "is it his intention to have sex with me and if so, how can we move on as friends?"You want to know if he wants to have sex with you? Why don't you sit him down with his wife (your friend) and ask him if he wants to have sex with you and if she would mind? You've already had sex with him in your mind for so long... wouldn't be very hard to cross that line. You are obviously excited and giddy that he is finally giving you some encouragement after all of these years of imagining doing him.If I were your girlfriend I would be angry and disgusted with you. Some of the other aunts are speaking about male vanity and that perhaps this is the impetus behind his kissing you on the lips. That it is male ego and the desire for an affair to stroke the ego.Okay, that may be true. But what about you?You say that your husband doesn't float your boat. He doesn't pay attention to you, so you default to fantasizing about your friend's husband when hubby isn't meeting your expectations. So, you'll steal her guy...at least emotionally and mentally when your marriage isn't going so well. You get giddy when your fantasies SEEM to be coming TO LIFE.Maybe your vanity and need for ego stroking is more relevant a discussion than his. You've already so much as drawn the roadmap. Your husband doesn't 'fill your needs', you fantasize, you are like a teenager again over the attention of the object of your lusty crush and now the biggest question you have is not whether you should sleep with him, but whether what he is doing is a signal that he wants to sleep with you?You are fishing. You have a crush. You are lusting after your friend's husband... and you'd fold and be in an affair in two seconds flat if he 'fed' you what you wanted to hear. This is about your ego. You are excited that you are (at least in your own mind) being validated by some male.Every time you fantasized about your friend's husband... you were making your friendship with her into a fraud. Like I said, I would not be friends with you for one second longer if I knew the deal. I'd never speak to you again.Why your husband is okay with your sexual fantasies with this guy is beyond me... but that is for the two of you guys to sort out.Affairs are always about broken, egocentric people taking from others without regard.. so that they can feel better about themselves. Period. No one has to lie and cheat to find happiness.The thing that bothered me most about your posts is that the wife, your friend, is barely relevant to you. Stop screwing her husband (in your mind), stop hoping that he's interested in you, and grow up. Deal with your life... you versus you. Is it possible that your friend's marriage is in trouble, having problems or is in a slump? Is it possible that this guy is a cheater? You throw gasoline on a fire in their marriage by sending out signals that needs can be met (at will) elsewhere.Being a true friend means that you honor boundaries. That means in your mind and heart as well.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (30 October 2010): Aren't you guys reading a lot into a few kisses. One person said to go back home and fix or end her marriage. I find that a bit extreme for feelings that have not been confirmed by the other person involved in this exchange.
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A
female
reader, No watered down advice here! +, writes (30 October 2010):
I'm smiling the THE WORLDS BIGGEST SMILE! It's cool CaringGuy! I know you Care!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (30 October 2010): Forget teh "nature" of the kisses, and focus on how it has affected you. If you feel there is more in these kisses, there is. If you feel he is overstepping some boundaries, he is. All guys, no matter how faithful and devoted, will be curious to some degree. It is the natural, competitive, instinct to procreate. And at 40, most guys, myself included, need to feel re-affirmed in our abilities sexually. It's childish crap, but it happens. Dont let it ruin a good, healthy marriage. You CAN find teh excitement you feel for this other guy, but in your husband. You just need to work on it. Dont think about an affair. I would talk to the guy and let him know you appreciate his friendship, bit the kissing has put things in a strange place and you do not feel comfortable there. It's obvious you dont.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (30 October 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you guys, all your advice has been brilliant. I feel so supported by you! Thank goodness I found this website...
I think you are right, Caring Guy, to suggest asking him to stop without saying anything else.
I guess (and I am ashamed by this), part of me wants it to carry on. Not to go any further, just carry on with what he is doing now. It is driving me crazy but making me happy at the same time - I feel like a teenaged girl again. This may be partly a reaction to the chronic lack of attention from my husband I suppose.
I know, to keep letting him kiss me isn't fair on my husband, and I also know that's a really bad plan as things are bound to escalate eventually, if what you are saying about men (or this man) is true.
I guess for me it's a romantic, titillating fantasy, but for him maybe it's something more sinister and damaging. I will stay away and hope things go back to normal, and if not I will have a quiet word with him. Thank you again. Sorry for my verbal diorrhea!
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy  +, writes (30 October 2010):
Not all men just pursue women for sexual desire. But a man who is pursuing you with a few kisses, and who is also married really isn't making the cut. If a man is interested you for more than just sex, he'll date you, take time to know you and let things develop. He won't be a married man kissing you. I think it's worth talking to him and saying that you'd prefer him not to kiss you on the lips as it could give people the wrong idea. Say nothing else to him though, and make sure you're in a public place. Don't take it any further though, or you will carry the blame.
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (30 October 2010):
Yes, No Watered Down, he just wants sex. Sorry I missed your post.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (30 October 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionSomewhere 86: thank you again for your reply. It really is wonderfully helpful to have some male views on this, as obviously I am unable to discuss it with any of my male friends. Or female friends for that matter.
However, I am bewildered that you seem to view me as some sort of promiscuous homebreaker; I can assure you this is entirely the opposite of what I am. I have never, never considered being unfaithful to my husband (despite his infidelity to me). I was merely having a private fantasy which I divulged to no-one apart from my husband (whom I know has kept it a secret, I trust him entirely on that).
I had NO IDEA that this man had similar feelings until recently, to my astonishment HE began to act out MY FANTASY!! It shocked me so much I didn't know what to think or how to react; that's why I turned to this website for advice/support.
OF COURSE I think about the effect on mine and my friend's family if that ever got out!! But I am sorry, it was HIS act and not mine, that crossed the boundaries. As far as I am aware there is nothing immoral about having a fantasy!
It may be the case that he picked up on my feelings because I unwittingly showed what I felt. But I have always tried hard to act the opposite (ie. not to sit near him, not to touch or laugh too much at his jokes etc).
When you say "if you carry on with this or if this ever gets out...you will indeed have to sit your children down and talk things through" ...what purpose would that serve? Would you share your sexual fantasies with your children or indeed your friends? I certainly don't, they are for me and hubby to enjoy only!!
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A
female
reader, No watered down advice here! +, writes (30 October 2010):
Caring guy, I agree!!! Yes, he just want SEX!!!!
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A
female
reader, No watered down advice here! +, writes (30 October 2010):
Sorry, Caring Guy that's not true! I did advised her in an MUCH EARLIER POST,Here's my quote "You're at a vulnerable stage in your life right now"~ And I went ON say "(Trust me people talk, he "HEARD" something) and hold back your little "feelings" they'll tame down, you're GROWN use your imagination,". DO you see the similarities In our answers? I do!!! I knew earlier on!! He just wanted SEX!~No Watered Down Advice Here!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (30 October 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you caring guy that is really helpful advice. It is enlightening to have a male perspective on this. Are all men this way inclined? That they will persue a woman simply to fulfil an ego need of their own?
I find that so hard to reconcile with the personality of the man I know. Unless it is all an act and he is not sensitive and decent as he seems to be.
Anyhow, all these answers have been helpful in different ways. It has certainly confirmed my original decision not to encourage him. However I still can't see how to do that and yet retain our families friendship. Do you agree that I need to have an honest chat with him? It's just I am scared that a one to one chat would leave me vulnerable. We are normally not alone together.
You do sound like a caring guy. Have you always been or how did you become so enlightened? Thanks again for your advice.
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A
female
reader, No watered down advice here! +, writes (30 October 2010):
Sorry, Caring Guy!!! I beg to to differ! We are allowed to do that, Right? IF, We can prove what you're not saying is not the truth? Fair I would say!!! I did say in an MUCH EARLIER REPLY And I RE-quote "You're at a VULNERABLE stage in your life right now, as you stated "Your marriage is not as GOOD"(Trust me)& people talk, He "HEARD" Something!" IJS!!! I READ your advice "PLEASE" Don't over-look mines because I'm a new-comer!!! No Watered Down Advice Here!
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (30 October 2010):
Sorry, I've just realized that in 18 posts we've not given an answer to your actual questions.
The kisses most likely signify that he knows you're in a vulnerable place with your marriage, and perhaps he's looking at you sexually. But that's it. There is no love or care in what he's doing. He's probably acting out some fantasy when he does it, but nothing more.
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A
male
reader, somewhere86 +, writes (30 October 2010):
Your feedback is the only response you have made which alludes to the real issue (that of the threat to your family unit which could occur)
It sounds as though you are more interested in keeping the secret fantasy going. It is interesting that you have discussed this with your husband - perhaps this could go further. And of course the guy knows. How about the 3 of you sitting down and telling his wife so that you can all be in the same enlightened position. Whichever way one looks at it is still potentially poisonous. You balk at the idea of telling your children as 'not appropriate'. May I suggest that if you carry on with this or if this ever gets out (the fact that you have fancied him for most(?) or all of your marriage, that you will indeed have to sit your children down and talk things through.
Thank you for recognising that what I wrote before was not harsh. Judgemental? Maybe I remind you of your earlier response?
You wrote: "Well...it seems everyone is in agreement here. That the best bet is to turn away from [him] and go work on my marriage."
You may be too late. He may already know your feelings and that may be why he is pushing the relationship further.
Him 'non the wiser'? Continue as you were before? Nothing ever goes backwards in this life.
To 'adore' friends can be an expression of great esteem of course - be they male or female. But the context in which you were talking about this guy was not in great esteem, in a platonic way, but in relation to the fact that you are struggling with the development of something which you have owned up to being strong feelings for a man outside of your marriage. Or do all of your male and female friends enjoy the expression of great esteem from you in the same way? i.e. with the lust attached to it as well?
Lust is natural. I agree. On its own it wouldn't be a problem - but you have much more to contend with here. It is very interesting how many responses you have to this subject. All of the answers in essence point to the same thing. As you recognised.
Finally, how much of a "great friend" can you be to this guy’s wife to want to keep her in the dark about your troubles? If she is such a good friend maybe she would be able to guide you on this.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 October 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI feel I need to clarify- the question I posed was this: do his kisses mean anything? I think some respondants have got the idea that I wanted to know so that I could take it further. That isn't the case. I wanted to know whether it was me overreacting/being paranoid and in fact it meant nothing more than a cheek kiss. Or whether it really did indicate some feelings on his part, meaning I would have to take some action to prevent a catastrophe.
Clearly it is the latter.
I'd just like to point out that yes, I admit I do fantasize about this man but clearly have never intended to act out those fantasies. If I had that intention then I wouldn't have waited 15 years before acting!! I wasn't asking "shall I have sex with him?" but rather "is it his intention to have sex with me and if so, how can we move on as friends?"
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A
male
reader, somewhere86 +, writes (29 October 2010):
I thank you for your feedback as it is the only response you have made which alludes to the real issue (that of the threat to your family unit which could occur)
It sounds as though you are more interested in keeping the secret fantasy going. It is interesting that you have discussed this with you husband - perhaps this could go further. And of course the guy knows. How about the 3 of you sitting down and telling his wife so that you can all be in the same enlightened position. Whichever way one looks at it it is still potentially poisonous. You balk at the idea of telling your children as 'not appropriate'. May I suggest that if you carry on with this or if this ever gets out (the fact that you have fancied him for most(?) or all of your marriage, that you will indeed have to sit your children down nd talk things through.
Thank you for recogising that what I wrote before was not harsh. Judgemental? Maybe I remind you of your earlier response?
You wrote: "Well...it seems everyone is in agreement here. That the best bet is to turn away from [him] and go work on my marriage."
You may be too late. He may already know your feelings and that may be why he is pushing the relationship further.
Him 'non the wiser'? Continue as you were before? Nothing ever goes backwards in this life.
To 'adore' friends can be an expression of great esteem of course - be they male or female. But the context in which you were talking about this guy was not in great esteem, in a platonic way, but in relation to the fact that you are struggling with the development of something which you have owned up to being strong feelings for a man outside of your marriage. Or do all of your male and female friends enjoy the expression of great esteem from you in the same way? ie with the lust attached to it as well?
Lust is natural. I agree. On its own it wouldn't be a problem - but you have much more to contend with here. It is very interesting how many responses you have to this subject. All of the answers in essence point to the same thing. As you recognised.
Finally, how much of a "great friend" can you be to this guys wife to want to keep her in the dark about your troubles? If she is such a good friend maybe she would be able to guide you on this.
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A
female
reader, No watered down advice here! +, writes (29 October 2010):
I feel you have forgiven him but you have some unresolved resentments there, you spoke of the affair and then you said it happen while you were pregnant w/your second child.There is a constant reminder of his affair,when you see your second child,not that you blame the child "OF COURSE NOT!" You was the one who felt the need to let us know it happened so...It "MUST" an important FACT, to consider before giving our advice. I had to forgive an RAPIST who is my daughters father so, I KNOW you can forgive him completely and let go of the unresolved resentments,you deserve the rewards of letting go and so does the entire family. My life did not move forward until I FORGAVE! No Watered Down Advice Here!
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reader, anonymous, writes (29 October 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionSomewhere 86, thank you for your answer which was not harsh. It is however, judgemental. I adore many of my male and female friends, this is simply an expression of deep esteem, not meaning I am in love with him. The lust, though not admirable, is a human weakness. I am not acting on it, but just being honest that I feel it. And I'm sorry but you are wrong, I have never encouraged the kisses. When I offer my cheek, the kiss has been placed on my mouth. It has only happened two times. Next time perhaps I won't offer my cheek, that's really the reason why I came here for advice.
As for my feelings going forward I can only explain (again) that I want nothing more than to return to where we were before (ie with me fancying him, but him none the wiser). No affair. By the way my husband is aware that I do feel attracted to this man. We talk openly about such things and he does not feel threatened. I will not be telling my children as that would be innappropriate!
His wife is a great friend and I will not take any action that will result in her getting hurt.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (29 October 2010): Before you have that "private talk", you need to think about some things.First of all, that "private talk" needs to take place in public, or you may end up having sex.Suppose you think it would be a private talk in a "park" or your home or his home or the car. Well, sexual activity in affairs usually takes place in "her home, his home, parks, hotels, and cars" those are the top five places.I suspect he wants to do it, from what you are saying, and you clearly want it to happen from your posting (at least you seem to be fantasizing about it and that is a major red flag when you have a close personal relationship with someone). However, you haven't clearly thought of all the damage that might be done.Truly, you may find that he doesn't want it to go back, but forward, and then you will need to figure this out on your own. What are you going to do then.Before you take action, look at things that might be influencing you. Prescription drugs, alcohol, illicit drugs, and make sure you are certainly not under the influence and don't meet him with any of those things involved. If you drink, take this quiz. http://www.lanarkleedsaa.org/pages/aboutaa/are_you_an_alcoholic.htm40 years is a long time to spend regretting a mistake.
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reader, anonymous, writes (29 October 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWell...it seems everyone is in agreement here. That the best bet is to turn away from 'hot lips' and go work on my marriage. I agree. But the problem is, my husband doesn't believe that there is any need to work on anything.
Over the years (15), I have tried many times to talk with him about my feelings. He doesn't want to listen or engage in a discussion, seeing it as 'my problem'. He is always too busy, to tired, too distracted, stressed etc, to listen to my feelings.
We do love eachother, but have grown apart due to many reasons. He is a workaholic with a high degree of committment to his high-pressure job. I respect that, but I often feel neglected and taken for granted. And we lack a true emotional bond. This is the thing I really miss and crave (and probably the reason for my obsession with 'hot lips'). We communicate about mundane everyday things but cannot seem to connect on a deeper level. He would disagree, and say I why can't I focus on the lovely family times that we have (I do, but it's not what I am getting at!)I sometimes think we are fundamentally incompatible, but we have 4 wonderful children and a lovely life together so I will try whatever it takes to make it work. And I am acutely aware that after the kids leave, we will be left with eachother..
My husband would say that I am unaffectionate and cold. It's true that our sex life has waned, from my part due mainly to the lack of emotional bond as I described above.
sex for me is an expression of closeness, and I rarely feel close to my husband. Add to that the fact that he had a serious affair when I was pregnant with our second child. We patched it up (with counselling), and I have forgiven him but things never really felt the same to me after that.
SO, the advice to run home to my husband sounds like running to a safe haven, but it doesn't feel that way... HELP!
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female
reader, No watered down advice here! +, writes (29 October 2010):
It's been said "You can never recover the occasion after the loss" The Word after it's said" The Stone after it's throw" Blab,blab,blab...YES YOU CAN! People do it all the time!!! I've heard The Phrase "I'll take that back" Refereeing to something they said" LOL! So...You get my point? You need to establish the lane you want he to STAY in and you need to make sure you STAY in your lane at the same time! Setting boundaries is the best way to ENSURE that the same thing won't happened twice. WE teach people how treat "US" TAKE HIM TO SCHOOL!!! LOL!!!!~No Watered Advice Here!
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A
male
reader, somewhere86 +, writes (29 October 2010):
Apologies for how this may sound but I think you are deluding yourself greatly. Why? Because you pretend that your relationship with this guy is one of friendship. Friends do not lust after each other or adore. And please stop deluding yourself that you wouldn't risk an affair because he is in such a happy marriage. You do not mention his wife. Your care is for her? Or for yourself?You say the guy "is a really decent guy, intelligent, wise, funny, kind. As well as gorgeous. It's not just lust on my part, I really do adore him (though lust is involved of course!)." Just read again what you said there. Now imagine your husband reading that. What would he think? What would you think if your husband wote those things about another woman? What would your children think? These sentiments are not those of a woman who "would never risk an affair". Unless you make decisions now I fear this deceipt will continue and grow.Grow up. Deal with the issues in your own marriage first. Decide if you want your marriage or not. Please don't use your "not so" happy marriage as the crutch to enable you to hobble in to another relationship whilst still with your husband. It's not fair, even to yourself. You have the potential for creating a lot of misery all round.You ask, in your question, if his kisses on your lips are because he feels the same way as you. You seem excited to know if we think that too. Excited. It seems that you think it is ok to have this emotional attachment, which is growing, for your 'friend'. Finally, if you think it's ok to carry on with this, tell his wife, your children and his children and your own husband how you both feel. I dare say that would be an interesting dinner party to be a fly on the wall at. But, although you think I may be being flippant, by thinking about taking a drastic step like this you might just wake up and realise what could happen unless you sort this out now.No man kisses a woman on her lips without the woman wanting him to. You seem to be absolving yourself of any responsibility. Sort your own problems out first. Get a divorce if that is what you want. Tell your husband and then move in with this guy or marry him and live happily ever after. Or stop this stupidity. I'm sorry to be so harsh but you sound like you need to look very carefully before leaping.Good luck.
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female
reader, tennisstar88 +, writes (29 October 2010):
 To get it back to "just friends", you need to have a private talk with him. Let him know this kissing of the lips isn't acceptable, you're not his wife. Tell him it's just friends and to keep it that way..of course this requires effort of both of your behalves in order to maintain this strictly friendship.
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reader, anonymous, writes (29 October 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionAunty Em, you are right, of course I do have the hots for him, I have done ever since we first met 15 yrs ago. But I have NEVER taken it beyond the odd flirtatious comment, spoken in front of all our spouses. No phone calls,texting, meeting up alone, long eye contact etc. I have respected the boundaries.
I have simply nurtured this crush all the way along all this time, never believing it would lead to anything harmful.The feelings have come and gone all through the years, sometimes dissappearing for a while. And all through it our lovely family friendship has grown and is wondeful in its own right.
However, I would be lying to deny that I haven't been delighted and excited by his recent lip kisses. I just wish it would go back to how it was before he did that!!!
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (29 October 2010): 40 ish age woman, perfect age for an affair.
That way you can have 40 more years to regret it every single day...voice of experience here.
If you value yourself, work on your marriage, and put distance between yourself and this guy.
Perhaps you need to go to counseling with your spouse, even if he won't go, make him go.
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female
reader, AuntyEm +, writes (29 October 2010):
 Ahh it seems you have the hots for him...maybe you wish there was more coming your way.
It's more dangerous than an angry rattle snake and once you begin to see where it' going, there is no way back.
Do I think he means more by his 'lip' kisses...maybe
Do I think it's a good idea to pursue it?...NO WAY
Like I said it's a world of misery right there...you have been warned!!!
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reader, anonymous, writes (29 October 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionYes we are both from a culture where kissing on the cheek is a normal greeting!! On the lips, not so normal.
I can't terminate the friendship (without admitting to both sides what has happened)
What I need to know is how do I get it back onto a normal level? So that we both feel comfortable and can continue the friendship between families. I really do NOT want to embark on an affair with this man, tempting as it is! I realise that it would end badly for all parties and the biggest loser would be me.
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female
reader, tennisstar88 +, writes (29 October 2010):
At first it's the cheek, then it migrates to the lips, what's next a kiss on the neck? Now unless he's from one of those countries kissing your cheek is a greeting, then ok I can understand that. But one of the lips? No.
The only man you should be kissing is your husband. And the only woman he should be kissing is his wife.
As everyone else stated if you can't get past this "crush" then terminate the friendship before you take it a step further into an affair.
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reader, anonymous, writes (29 October 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks, You guys have given me lots to think about...
I can't refuse to see him again, this couple are amongst our closest friends and we value their company dearly. The children are also all friends. All the more reason not to get entangled, I know!!
Larry Lips (love that) is a really decent guy, intelligent, wise, funny, kind. As well as gorgeous. It's not just lust on my part, I really do adore him (though lust is involved of course!).
Kilcardy - when you say that LL is 'using' me as an ego boost, do you mean he has sensed that I am interested and is prompting me to respond so that he will feel desirable to women generally? ie it's not about me, just about validating his masculinity? Forgive me for being niaive but the male psyche is a mystery sometimes!
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female
reader, No watered down advice here! +, writes (29 October 2010):
Yes, It still qualify as over-stepping his boundaries. WHY? The KISSES moved from one place which the MAJORITY would agree to be considered an simple act of friends greeting or departing. Once he "MOVED' THOSE LIPS of his to your lips the WORLD WOULD AGREE he was WAYYY out of line. No Watered Advice Here! IJS!
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male
reader, Kilcardy +, writes (29 October 2010):
Interesting that you say you "respect" your friendship with Larry Lips. Does he respect your friendship? Does he respect his wife? Does he respect your husband? Does he respect the bond created between his family and yours? It doesn't seem so. I mean, he's risking all of that to get his ego boosted...and he's using you to do it. That's messed up. And you're going to be messed up if you keep on with this nonsense. How do you move on? I think you need to stay away from this guy. He will eventually screw you up bigtime (moreso than he already has). Run... the other way...back to your husband!
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reader, anonymous, writes (29 October 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionYes I agree with all thats been said.... but they are only 'pecks' on the lips, not full-on smackers. Does this qualify as overstepping the boundaries am I over-interpreting? We are very close friends, maybe it's just an "I love you as a friend" kind of thing??
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female
reader, AuntyEm +, writes (29 October 2010):
A womans worst enemy is her love sick heart!
I agree with the other aunts...you need to STOP the inappropriate kissing and get your head on straight!
Everything caringguy said is true, if the marriages break up it will be seen to be your fault(unfair but thats how it is for women)
Either refuse to see them both again, or completely get over this infatuation you have, because you are setting yourself up for devestation and misery.
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female
reader, No watered down advice here! +, writes (29 October 2010):
Men are misery magnets! Or maybe RUMOR has it! Regardless to whatever reason he has for overstepping boundaries with you he was WAYYYY OUT OF LINE! And you're at a vulnerable stage in your life right now, as you stated "your marriage is not as GOOD" therefore you should tell him that those kisses on the lips is inappropriate, (Trust me people talk, he "HEARD" something) and hold back your little "feelings" they'll tame down, you're GROWN use your imagination,on how to calm yourself down,(if need be) in the meanwhile don't allow him to ruin your life! We don't need no help doing that,if that's what we really want to do! Send him home! Without a kiss on the lips or anywhere else! PLEASE! JUST SAY NO!!!! LOL!
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male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (29 October 2010):
It's not about moving on. This is about going home to your marriage and either ending it, or fixing it.
The kisses might mean something. but married men are notorious at taking on a mistress only for the sex, and nothing else. So chances are they mean nothing at all.
This is the sign that you now need to address your marriage more than anything else. Because, after all, if something did happen between you and this man, you would be the person who'd look ultimately the worst. A cheating man doesn't get as much bad feeling as the mistress he cheated with. And since you're married, you'd look like the person who was bad in that too. Do not underestimate the effect that an affair could have on your own reputation. They'll blame you for the collapse of the marriage, and your female friends will walk away from you, leaving you with nothing.
The time has come to sort your marriage out. If you're unhappy, then either you need to get fixing it, or you need to end it. This other guy isn't the issue. Your marriage is the issue, and it needs to be sorted before you wind up alone in a small flat with nothing but memories.
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