A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:A guy i was seeing for 5 months ended things with me a couple of months ago. From my persepctive everything was going well and had been fine between us leading up to him ending things so it really upset me as it was totally unexpected. When he ended things he said he wanted to remain friends and i agreed as i was friends with him before we started seeing each other. Its been about two months and i haven't heard from him and i haven't contacted him. I don't know whether he's waiting for me to get in touch as he knew i needed time to heal and get over him. Also i think he might have not contacted me because he thinks i dislike him after I saw his friends on a night out and told them that i was still annoyed at him for ending things like he did. I don't know whether its worth me contacting him or whether i should just leave it. I feel like i cant get proper closure until i speak to him and tell him that im ready to be friends, at least if he doesn't reply back then i know its not worth making the effort? Reply to this Question
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male
reader, Sageoldguy1465  +, writes (24 June 2016):
 "Closure" is badly over-blown. If you and he don't have occasion to be with - or spend time with - one-another, then that is what life is about and there's no reason to try to change things....
Good luck..
A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (23 June 2016):
 Honestly, when exes say things like "lets be friends", it just means you end things on a good not and are not bitter or angry. It means if you happen to run into each other, you will say hello and maybe strike a conversation. It does NOT, however, mean that you and him are going to hang out as buddies every weekend, or set up dates for meeting as friends.
If you would be FINE seeing him with someone new, then you are ready to be friends. Until then, you need to give this time.
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A
female
reader, Ciar  +, writes (23 June 2016):
 This pointless pursuit of closure is preventing you from having what you really need and that is acceptance.You may have been friends before you began dating but having been romantically involved changes things. His idea of friendship may be different from yours. He might be fine with remaining on good enough terms that you can exchange a friendly greeting if you happen to cross paths. It could even have been his way of softening the blow. Maybe having had some time apart has changed his perspective entirely. In any event it's time for you to accept that it's over, grieve and move on.And stop dumping this baggage on others, especially his friends. They don't want to hear it and it's a bit tacky. If you need to talk, confide in a close and trusted friend now and then - one of YOURS, not his.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (23 June 2016):
 When I was your age (nearly 40 years ago) a boy broke up with me with the famous words "we can still be friends"
My dear wise mother said to me "we can still be friends is the kiss of death" I didn't get it.
It's a very nice way of breaking up and feeling like you are being the good guy.
I have remained FRIENDLY with ex partners. There is nothing wrong with being civil with an ex but to be honest there is not a single ex I am FRIENDS with.
As for you getting closure... make your own. Always. NEVER expect someone else to do your hard work whether it be physical, mental or emotional.
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A
male
reader, DarrellG +, writes (23 June 2016):
 Honesty is right. Without being harsh, you have to realise that in no way are you ready for friendship - your still pinining after him; obviously thinking about him alot and making him the centre of your universe and this tells me that you still want him, you still want him around and are defining your emotions vis a vie his actions, for example:
" I feel like i cant get proper closure until i speak to him and tell him that im ready to be friends".
I dont know his reasons for not wanting to be with you but this is final - if he still wanted friendship then I think he would be making an effort here and his actions speak volumns. I dont think it would suit you two in any case because there is no closure on your point and think it would soon get messy.
I think honestly the problem here is this:
"From my persepctive everything was going well and had been fine between us leading up to him ending things so it really upset me as it was totally unexpected."
Its the shock your not over. You dont need this guy back in your life what you need is to understand what happened and without knowing more that is beyond the scope of this reply.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (23 June 2016):
 " Let's stay friends " is like " Let's do lunch soon "- most of the times you don't have to take it literally, it's just a polite way to disentangle oneself.
It's a gentle way to soften the blow - but it means more something like " Let's not be enemies . Please do not give me a hard time, let me go without too much fuss and ill feelings, do not make scenes and stir up drama ".
Think : a friend is someone you go out with , someone you keep in touch with regularly , someone you can count on in a time of trouble and viceversa, etc.
Well, if he had wanted to do and to be these things for you.... probably he would not have even left you in the first place .If he left you it means that he did not enjoy that much sharing his time with you- so WHY he should enjoy it more now, that you don't even have sex to make the deal more palatable ?
Of course there are occasional exceptions to this general formula. But, in general, " let 's stay friends " refers more to the wish to avoid awkwardness , gossips and arguments if you should meet by chance, or if you still move in the same social circles - than to an offer of genuine friendship.
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A
male
reader, eddie85 +, writes (23 June 2016):
 Have you gotten or taken a phone number you had no intention of calling back on? Or said, "hey let's get together sometime" and never had any plans of ever making it happen?
My guess is that is exactly what he did to you. Usually when guys break up as he did to you, he just wants things to end amicably and have everyone move on in life. He doesn't want to know who you are dating and he probably doesn't want to have to hide the fact that he may have moved on too.
Sadly, going from friends, to lovers, and then back is incredibly difficult thing to do. Some people can and others can't.
If you feel the need to rekindle your friendship, by all means, you may have to make the first move. But if he doesn't respond back, then I think you will have to accept that he no longer really wants to invest more time into you.
Eddie
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (23 June 2016):
 His offer of "friendship" was empty, I think it was to make the break up less "harsh.
As for the closure... There really is no closure HE can give you, that he hasn't already done. Maybe not in words but his actions speaks pretty loud. The relationship DIDN'T work out from his side, for whatever reason. He ended it and disappeared. Which makes me think he doesn't really WANT a friendship right now with you either.
Not everyone can make a friendship with an ex work afterwards, most of the time it's just not a good idea, specially if one of the two people still have feelings for the other.
Also... he could have met someone new and decided that being "friends" with an ex may not be great for his new budding relationships.
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (22 June 2016):
 If you don't have closure then you are not ready to be friends with him. I understand you both began as friends, but sweetie he is your ex, and it is extremely hard to try and have a friendship with an ex without old feelings reappearing and you getting hurt. He finished things as he did not want to be with you. If you honestly think you could be friends with him without any feelings at all then contact him. But ask yourself if he starts telling you about girls he likes or girls he has been with or even if he gets a new girlfriend would it bother you at all? If it would then you are not ready to be his friend.
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