A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I am really frustrated with my husband inability to handle marriage issues. I am not the kind of woman that turns down sex from my man but yet I feel like ever since we married my husband puts in no effort causing me to think he will be tempted to cheat.After a marriage of a year and a kid we have truly lost that sexual desire. I know i want it but not with a grungy man but someone that is happy excites me and makes me go wild.Today is the second time we have had sex that I just wasn't wet enough so he didn't cum. He preceeded to stop roll over and flung a small pillow at me. I climbed on top of him feeling bad and asked if he came and he replied angrily and told me wasn't I late for work.I got to work texted him with 3 smiley smileykissy faces and he responded "hmm". His birthday is this Friday. I told him we need to spice things up and I'm planning something good. He said I shouldn't plan too much cos he doesn't like celebrating. Basically everything I tried to let him know we are losing touch but he gave me one answers like lol. Ok I give up now.What do you thinking have left as a woman to do to bring him to his senses. Guys what is the appropriate thing to do to your lover when she is not wet and does not make you or orgasm?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 June 2016): Hello OP.FIND a way to RECONNECT.BOTH OF YOU have to do the work. But one of you has to start the process.Once you start to let loose and just enjoy each other's company free of stress and real life, then things will improve.Find the joy in each other again. Do all the things you did when you first started dating. This is key.Start the ball rolling. Leave him naughty notes or a suggestive text. Tell him what you would like him to do to you sexually and vice versa. Send him a racy picture of you. Ask him to meet you at a bar. Dress sexy and pretend you are a stranger when you see him and ask him to buy you a drink. Role play. Create the whole evening with fantasy. Follow through. You will see how amazing it could be.You just have to put in the effort. And be confident of your own sexuality and attractiveness.Have an AFFAIR with him! Think along those lines... Think fantasy.You need to get that spark back! AND YOU CAN!And the sex will be amazing again!I promise!
A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 June 2016): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionBravo st this read. Thanks. The discovery is real. There is a dusconnect with us. He's bored because he's looking for a job. I'm frustrated because he doesn't seem into me like before and stubborn to try. I will put forth my best effort again to reconnect us but it's certainly a 2 way street.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 June 2016): There is a lot more at play here than just sex. Sex seems to be the scapegoat or the manifestation of other problems.
Trouble in paradise only after a year of marriage?
This should be the honeymoon phase and sexually the passion should not be dead this soon.
Sex with the same partner should get better over time as you know each other better, know each other's bodies and what makes each other tick.
There is a disconnect between you.
It is not necessarily physical. But it leads to physical discontentment.
He is texting another woman. This bothers you. And why wouldn't it? You did not say the context of the texts or if there was some hanky panky going on. But still, it bothered you so yes, you are going to have an emotional wall up. Which means you won't feel like having sex with a man who is potentially disrespecting you with other women, physically or emotionally. But again, all this after just a year married? Why does he even feel a need to text any other woman? He should be totally into you! When or if men stray, it's often because of boredom, and it usually happens much later into a marriage. Not just one year in.
Do you spend a lot of time being a mother? Are you both putting your parental duties ahead of your couple time? Has life gotten in the way of your relationship? Yes, things change after marriage and kids. And this is where people make mistakes. They check out of their couple time. The time necessary to be and stay connected intimately.
Do you go on dates together?
It seems to me the problem lies in the disconnect between you as a couple. The emotional one. The one where you talk. Are friends. Laugh together. Share together. Free from all other distractions.
I suggest you reconnect. Go away for a week. Have your parents look after the little one. Just ENJOY each other's company. Rediscover the person you each married. It can be done. Just let go of all the resentment and being on opposite sides of the blame game and come together. Be silly. I mean, really silly. Find your best friend again in one another. Think you can do that?
I think this would be a game changer.
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A
male
reader, Serpico +, writes (26 June 2016):
OP - well, the "few great ones" might likely pose the same issue. It could be you are comparing his lackluster performance to these earlier gents.
Put another way, if your husband was satisfying you with a level of skill equal or greater than your earlier blokes, would you care at all how much time he was otherwise spending making money?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 June 2016): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionNo i did not have too many sexual partners but the few i had were great. My lack of desire was because of my frustration with my husband not stepping up romantically. All he thinks about is making money. Plus i was furious at him for texting another woman who i don't know. So all these boils down things changing that my feelings for him is depreciating.
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A
male
reader, Serpico +, writes (24 June 2016):
Hate to bring this up, but Im not sure the problem is with him. Specifically, you mention a lack of lubrication on your part which shows a lack of desire. As always, Im going to be blunt - did you have a lot of sexual partners before your marriage? I have found that its often the case that when a woman does, she often gets bored with her husband quickly, especially if he doesnt compare to those few bad boys who used to make you go crazy with excitement.
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A
male
reader, BrownWolf  +, writes (24 June 2016):
All sounds great... But you are still avoiding the issue. :)
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 June 2016): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWell i agree with the fact that his ego was bruised. There wasn't any chemistry and he felt it. 2 wks after having my naby we were getting it in so I'm not a lazy lover and i love sex. So what happened really messed him up and he acted childish.
It's his birthday. I won't be petty. I have reserved an hotel and restaurant including hiring a babysitter for the night. We haven't danced in a while so there will be dancing, lingerie and another attempt at it.
Then we will go from there.
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A
male
reader, BrownWolf +, writes (23 June 2016):
Easy...Sit him down and ask him this...
"Honey, If we went to bed to have sex, and you had a problem getting hard enough, and could not get it in, what would you like me to do? Should I throw a pillow at you? Get pissed off and call you names like limp D**k? What do you think I should do if you could not perform?"
You cannot change a man, but you can teach him.
Wait for his response...And do not let him change the subject. When a man realises his own stupidity, he will try to change the topic.
Now...Foreplay is the way to a good roll in the hay. Not his... yours. If you are not nice and wet, no entry yet.
For the love of sex....Speak up!!! Tell him what you want him to do to you...screw that...go get it. Nothing more tempting than a woman in a dress with no undies...and that knowledge is known :)))
You have something planned...why tell him...rock his world. Most hot sex encounters were never planned, they just happened. :)) Plan it out in your head, but he doesn't know until you get to bed.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (23 June 2016):
 Your third paragraph really pissed me off. Not at YOU, but what the hell is his problem?? Throwing a pillow at YOU because he didn't get off?? It had nothing to do with how wet you are. If he had wanted to, you could have broken out the KY and gone to town. And YOU were on top of him?!? Basically, he laid back and made zero effort.
This isn't about cheating. This is about porn. To give the analogy since you live in the US, let's say it's Thanksgiving day, and you've spent hours cooking the turkey, potatoes, stuffing, cranberry, the whole feast. It smells wonderful, and the table is set. What if he were to come in and say he wasn't hungry because he ate a bag of potato chips, two pieces of cake, and about 10 McDonald's burgers, leaving the thought of food to be repulsive to him? He passed up a real glorious feast to snack out on junk food.
He didn't get off with you because he's too used to his hand, and possibly he's getting off with porn. At his age, he shouldn't be preferring to rub one off in the shower or wherever rather than having sex with you. It's lazy and selfish, and the real pisser is that he's blaming you for his own selfishness.
Don't worry about his cheating unless there are other signs. It's not about YOU being wet. It's about HIM making zero effort.
So DO NOT celebrate his birthday. Don't do anything for him. In fact, go out with some friends and have a blast! After marriage of a year, you shouldn't even be HAVING conversations like this through text. You should be talking face to face.
After a year of marriage, the sex should be getting better and better! There should be sexual adventure. New sensations, new places, new techniques. If all of your sex depends on you on top, that's crap. If he's not in shape, he needs to GET into shape!
He also needs to know that throwing things at you because he didn't get off is unacceptable. If my husband ever did that, it would be a LONG time before he touched me again. Luckily, my husband doesn't do that. Sometimes, people don't get there all the way, whether it's stress, sickness, medication, or whatever. You can't get overfreaked about it, but if it's becoming a pattern and he's young, especially if there's a small kid involved, I'd be looking at the porn/rubbing off quickies as something that is sapping his hunger. People too used to a hand grip find it harder to get off from intercourse and start blaming a wife's vagina after having kids. Not cool. That's like getting fatter and blaming your clothes for not fitting correctly.
Go out and have some fun! Make him work for you. Don't go throwing yourself at him to try to get his attention. Talk frankly and face to face about these important issues. It has nothing to do with how wet you are, because that's what KY is for! Guys can hump pillows and ejaculate, so it's not about your wetness.
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A
male
reader, eddie85 +, writes (23 June 2016):
 I am sorry to hear that you are going through this.
First off: after having a child everything changes. Your desires, your stress levels and your emotional connection with one another. Maintaining the loving connection takes work, unfortunately and a willingness on both sides to make things work.
The fact that you couldn't get wet could mean a bunch of things. However, if this is a common occurrence you may want to include more foreplay, more pre-intercourse oral, or keeping some KY jelly handy. Just like guys who have problems with erections, some women need a little extra time or help once in a while.
His reaction is probably frustration. Guys don't like to admit that we can lose our erection. I suspect he was upset because the chemistry really wasn't there and he didn't get off. Your text was probably just a reminder of the frustrations you've been having.
Don't get too upset over this. There are going to be good sex days and others, like today, that will be memorable only in terms of how bad it was. Your man's ego was bruised and he'll get over it. The key is to roll with the punches and look for solutions. Hopefully you'll have more good days, than bad.
Eddie
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (22 June 2016):
 My guess is that he was not angry with you, it was probably more that it dented his confidence, he probably took it personal and thought that you don't find him attractive any more. I suggest going shopping, buy some nice new underwear, get a baby sitter, light some candles, open a bottle of wine, try something new, maybe buy a book on different ideas, or watch a sexy movie together. If you are in to porn that might help. If it is his birthday you can start by giving him foreplay and hopefully things will spice up.
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