A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Is this sexual assault or acquaintance rape or anything of that matter? I had a long day and one of my best guy friends were sleeping over. He always had the hormones and hots for me and I liked him, but before the incident I was never the person to a "friends with benefits" kind-of things. We were sleeping in my room; I was on my bed and he was on sleeping bags. I was half asleep and he was crying to sleep in bed with me. I rolled over against the wall to try to stop from hearing his moans. I'm the type of person who feels bad for others, even when i'm not doing anything wrong and they try to put blame on me and he ended up on the bed with me. He started touching my genitals through my clothing. I was scared to do something back because he is physically stronger and I was just in shock kind-of. He started to pull my hand and make me touch his genitals and soon he started touching me inside of my pants. He got on top of me and started to pull down my pants and rubbed his genitals over the top of mine and I started to cry and then he stopped. He threatened to commit suicide and started blabbling how he's such a bad person. I felt blame because of the threats to commit suicide. Was this incident sexual assault? Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 October 2009): I've just read your second post here and I agree, yes, it was assault. You said no and he continued even then, that is assault and I'm sorry that this happened. However, devastated2008 makes a few good points. Why is he staying over in the first place or in your room? That is a signal to most people that you want something to happen. No, it shouldn't always be taken this way, but it can be misleading if he feels there's something between you two and you say "Hey, stay the night with me and stay in my room" and further once you let him into bed with you.
Also, if you are afraid of him hurting you because he's stronger or him doing what he wants, then clearly you don't feel safe around him so WHY is he staying IN YOUR ROOM? What he did is completely inexcusable, but the situation you put yourself in was not ONLY his fault. If you were concerned (as you obviously had reason to be) then you shouldn't have let him stay over in your room.
The assualt was NOT your fault, you didn't LET him do anything, he took advantage of you. I think you need to be done with him completely and actually, press charges. I know that seems extreme to some who think that what he did maybe wasn't THAT bad, but how else is he going to learn? He'll just learn that if he begs and whines and manipulates you (which is exactly what he was doing, especially afterwards with threatening suicide) then it's apparently ok to get away with that stuff. It's not ok at all. Teach him a lesson and keep away from him, and consider the situations you are putting yourself in carefully before acting.
A
female
reader, devastated2008 +, writes (3 October 2009):
 Sexual assault is never your fault. I am glad that you were saying no verbally all along that makes an entirely different picture... so based on that yes it does sound like assault.
Now having said that your boundaries are still an issue. Your lack of boundaries does not make this your fault but it does make you suspectible to abuse. Its kind of like the pedestrian that walks out into the street and says, "pedestrians have the right away" meanwhile they get ran over by an oncoming car.
It may be your right to expect others to behave themselves but if you walk right into it... the end result is that its YOU that gets hurt the most regardless of whose fault it is. Don't blame yourself but DO learn from this and plan how to tighten your own boundaries.
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy  +, writes (3 October 2009):
Sorry, I didn't see that second post. If you clearly said no, and he didn't stop until you cried, then it was sexual assault. Have nothing to do with him.
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (3 October 2009):
You have nothing at all to feel blame for. NOTHING. However, he did stop whhen you started to cry, so this wasn't really sexual assault. Dont' associate with this guy anymore though, because he was trying to emotionally blackmail you. He's not really that great of a friend. It's a bit concerning that you weren't able to do anything elsse than cry though. (I know that was shock), so maybe learn some self defence just to make sure if this ever happens again you can srtand up for yourself. You haven't done anything wrong.
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 October 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionSorry; I guess I forgot details. When he first started touching me I told him to stop and he just kept saying "no you'll like it" and i kept asking him as he progressed but like i said.. he is physically stronger and he does have anger problems so i was scared of him hurting me. I kept saying no numerous times as the incident occured.
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A
female
reader, QuirkLady +, writes (3 October 2009):
 This was sexual assault. He was touching you against your will and taking advantage of your kind nature and your fear. It's totally possible to be so scared you don't fight back, so don't even worry about anyone complaining that you didn't fight. He was in the wrong and what happened is 100% his fault.
I hate men who take advantage of a woman's reluctance to say no or hurt someone's feelings. Women are trained to be nice and it's hard to get out of that mode. Men who know that and force themselves on a woman should be shot, IMHO.
The emotional manipulation he pulled at the end is just icing on the cake. He knew he was wrong, and that's why he said that - to play on your emotions and to get you feeling sorry for him so that you won't tell anyone what happened. You are not to blame for his emotional state. You didn't make the thoughts enter his head, you didn't do anything to be ashamed of. ALL OF THE BLAME FOR SEXUAL ASSAULT LIES WITH THE ASSAULTER.
If you'd like to talk to someone further, www.rainn.org has an online and a phone hotline that are both staffed 24 hours a day. The volunteers are trained to help you in these situations.
Good luck. I wish you the best. And remember, none of this was your fault! *hug*
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 October 2009): Sexual assault is any unwanted sexual act. It can include anything from unwanted sexual touching, to rape and sexual exploitation. Sometimes a sexual assault injures the victim, or is life-threatening.
A sexual assault can happen in many ways. Many people wrongly think that the only kind of sexual assault is rape, or forced sexual intercourse. Many mistakenly think that sexual assault is always part of a violent attack, or that the victim must be injured for it to be called a sexual assault.
But in many cases, no violence is used – instead, the victim may be threatened with words or pressured into doing something she doesn’t want. These cases are also sexual assaults.
Sexual assault is against the law.
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A
female
reader, devastated2008 +, writes (3 October 2009):
I don't mean to sound harsh, but where are your own boundaries? I don't know if this was assault or not it sounds like you agreed every step of the way... until you cried. Then he stopped which is lucky for you.Why was he sleeping over to begin with? Why in your bedroom? Why on earth let someone into your bed because they are crying to? Why not slap him silly the second he touched you inappropriately?It sounds like there is something seriously wrong with this male friend of yours... what MAN actually acts like that? Crying? And you... have you been sexually assaulted or abused in the past? Your actions are very similar to someone who has already been abused which makes your boundaries for appropriate behavior blurred. I think you need some assertiveness training at the very least.It is your responsibility to yourself to not allow yourself to be in compromising situations to begin with... that will eliminate quite a bit of danger in itself.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 October 2009): i wouldn't say it was rape or sexual assault. he might be manipulating you with his crying and trying to get you to feel sorry for him. he also might be upset and just wanted some physical attention and let his hormones take over. but you do need to speak up and say no next time, don't just lie there and let him touch you if you don't want him to and don't touch him back that gives him the idea that you like what is going on and that could be misleading for him. if you like him tell him you want a relationship not a "friends with benefits" situation and if you don't like him then tell him he can't act that way towards you.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 October 2009): no, because he actually stopped when you started to cry...however, his talk of suicide is manipulative and/or he actually felt like a rejected freak when you started crying.but, it's not your fault how he handles rejection, it's his problem.hopefully with time you'll learn to not take pity for other people to the point where they think that you are more yeilding that you truly are. i've got this problem too...it gets better with time for me at least...if you learn to stand up for yourself at the right time in a very clear manner, it will be so good for you in the long run.
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