A
female
age
51-59,
*omany
writes:Hi all, Sorry this is so long, I'm 42, and the bloke that has torn my confidence to shreds is 44.I have been single for a year now, i decided to have a complete break off blokes, which was going great, But then i met one that made my tummy flip, he was equally as 'into' me, and i really liked him, so i made sure i played it right, I dated him, we used to meet for afternoon coffee too, he spent a lot of time telling me about his family, his problems that he was having with his little boys mum, (he's 3) how in the last 7 years, he has lost 2 substancial relationships, and 2 houses totalling half a million pounds to his 2 ex partners, (1st partner he was with for 15 years and he has two teenage daughters) He still plays a very active part in his daughters lives, and in his sons when his ex allows it.Anyway, after knowing him for 4 months, we went out in a group and at the end of the night, we all went back to his, I was roped into making bacon and egg butties, and he was by my side making them in his kitchen, he was being incredibly affectionate, which was nice, (we had kissed and cuddled from the 1st date) slowly everyone went home, and we were alone.We ended up in bed, and i found he was incredbibly embarrassed by the size of his manhood, which there is nothing wrong with, i soothed him and i told him it was a perfect fit, and we had a nice night.He dropped me off at home, and came in for a coffee and fell asleep and soundo till 11am, when i woke him to tell him he had to get his son at midday. He kissed me and hugged me, and said he'd call me later.....he didn't, so i text him 3 days later, no reply, i text one more time, a few days later, asking if he was ok, and again nothing. So i left it. 12 weeks went by, and he called, said he'd heard stuff that made him question me, i asked what like.....he said, your last boyfriend was gorgeous and muscley apparently, i said yes he was, what about it, he said, what do you see in me?.... you ride a motorbike, what do you see in me?..... you got blokes texting you daily, what is so good about me?....your better looking than me, so what do you see in me?...and loads of other stuff. I understood that someone had really messed with his self esteem, and I was patient and honest with him, telling him why i liked him, (nothing weird though, just his personality, his humour, how i found him very good looking, and how i liked the fact he is a dedicated parent, as i am)Anyway, he called and text for next 3 weeks, and then, nothing for next 4, until i saw him at pub, and it was back to his for a coffee for all of us.(we have mutual friends, thats how we met) everyone went home, and i was going home too, but I still really like him, and my friends were telling me that he really likes me, as he'd not stopped looking at me, bla bla, and so i decided to stay, we were alone, and we talked and then ended up in bed. That was a very good night. We were very compatible, and he was incredibly loving. That was 5 weeks ago.........had a few texts the following few days, then nothing. I text him after 2 weeks,to ask him why i've not heard from him, and he never had decency to reply. I've not text him anymore, and i wont, and i've not been going out as i dont want to see him.So my questions are!........1) I didn't and still can't see where I should have picked up that this guy was a user,before i slept with him the 1st time....is there, or was there anyway i could have found this out before.2) WTF is this tummy flipping thing about, (never had it before) Why do i still get it when i see him, (drove past him several times in last week) despite really disliking who he is.3) How should i react when i see him out...I dont know whether to act fluffy and say hi, or to ignore him, or to slap him and throw his beer over his head, lol.BTW, i'm 42, he is 44.
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confidence, his ex, muscle, self esteem, text Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, romany +, writes (7 June 2010):
romany is verified as being by the original poster of the question Thankyou all, your answers gave me some food for thought, and i've discovered that it wasn't actually him that gutted me, it was me, beating myself up in the all too common way we women tend to do, of course it cant be him being a total Arse, There must be something wrong with me! He was the one who lied, I have nothing to reproach myself for, as I was honest and true to myself.
I was in a marriage for 14 years, and he fooled me for years, and altho my ex husbands secrets and deceipts were far far more sinister than this blokes intentions, he still fooled me, and so i've been angry with myself.
I've decided that my wobbly tummy was down to the fact this was the first bloke that i've been attracted to locally, (potential proper bf material) I tend to go for the ones that live miles away, (the safe ones)so maybe it was excitement, The fact it was out of my comfort zone Or maybe it was just wind. lol
Anyway, Thanks guys, look out for a future question, this dating game at 42 aint easy!!!!!! lol.
xxx
A
female
reader, AuntyEm +, writes (2 June 2010):
 The fact he had two (serious)ex partners both with kids was probably a bit of a flashing light and he came complete with a ready made sob story to pull you in. He obviously suffers with low self estemm because of his manhood (despite it wasn't a problem for you) so he perhaps feels threatened when he gets too close to someone.
Im not sure you could have picked up immediately that he was a 'messer' but the whole first twelve week absence would have had me calling it a day!! He wouldn't have got another shot after that.
The whole tummy flip thing is maybe an adrenalin rush your getting when you think about him. He struck a chord with you, but his actions proved he wasn't worthy.
Your mind probably classes him as a challenge as you had sex with him initially and that ALWAYS creates an emotional link for women. Men don't have the same emotional link about sex. This link has fooled you into thinking there is possibly more to discover about him, but at every opportunity, he has let you down, been ignorant towards you and treated you with disrespect. Turn those flips into gut wrenchingly sickening moments when you face the truth that he is a complete waste of your time.
I would totally ignore him and totally forget him. Don't look for a reaction, don't give a damn what he thinks. Don't concern yourself about who or what he wants.
If you run the risk of seeing him, change your schedule and hang out in different places, avoid him like you don't even know who he is.
Get over him, ignore his existence and move on to better things.
Good luck
AE x
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 June 2010): I don't think you could have known he was so... Wierd, some guys are just like that.. They demand answers to everything
it sounds likeyou getting butterflys - could be because your really nervous or because your turned on?!
And
if I were you when your around him make him persue you, don't stare at him from across the room!! Don't text him unless he texts you!!
It seems a shame that some woman went and ruined a man for anyone he might get in his future.
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A
female
reader, natmarie +, writes (2 June 2010):
 You should act as if you don;t care, and in fact , i think you shouldn;t care!! He has gone weeks before now without contacting you, and is now picking you up and dropping you as he pleases. Do not give him the pleasure . That's not good enough. Move on, and find someone who deserves you. Maybe he is insecure because of the size of his......:o)!!
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