A
female
age
41-50,
*enee3333
writes:Ok..I have been researching this. I honestly need as honest and truthful and insightful answers as possible on this one. I have been with this man for a little over a year now. I am 31 years old. He is 50 years old. He just got out of (what he told me) was a lifeless marriage where he used to order escorts here and there and pretty much did whatever he had wanted to do...there was nothing left in the marriage as far as he was concerned (he had told me.) So we are together, and he lives with me and we are doing okay...this is about six months into the relationship....but let's say three months into the relationship I wake up from bed and see him on the internet..he let's me see what he was watching after hesitation and a little coaxing...it was gay porn.....he said he used to do a little cocaine here and there and that he thinks it messed with his hormones and with him getting older and all he thinks his hormones or his curiosity have changed....I find out now at six months in the relationship that he is watching trannie porn and has been on Eros..which is a prostitute site..he claims old habits are hard to kick..with the whole prostitute thing....he said he was just browsing, and that was all..and that he would never do it again....just didn't think it was that big of a deal because he was just browsing....as for the trannie porn, well, he claims once again that it was just a curiosity...he had never been with a trannie...he has called them up twice to set up a meeting (prior to us being together) but that he always cancelled the meeting and didn't go through with it....he told me he wouldn't do it anymore and he was done with it..just a curiosity...nothing more he tells me....well, let's say we are now about eight or nine months in the relationship, I find out he was on there again watching the trannie porn...he still claims he was just bored, no big deal, didn't mean nothing by it..after trying to lie about it saying he was just scrolling through regular porn and it landed on the trannie porn.....meanwhile, through all these months he is watching a lot of regular porn too....and it has kind of ruined it for me because it was just too much too fast...so now I start getting upset if I see him even watching any porn at all because I think that he is a sex addict at the point of about 6-8 months with everything I am seeing from him.....so then now we are at a little over a year and I find out he was watching trannie porn again....after we just talked about a week ago..and on a lot of prior occassions, if he could just leave porn alone for a while, maybe a month or two..let me stabilize and feel strong and confident in the relationship again and let's work on getting a strong foundation back first, and then maybe we will let regular porn back in our life again..but let's just take all those equations out right now....he agreed on several occassions but didn't do as I asked...just kept on deleting his histories from his iphone or from the computers, anything he could do to hide it from me....but I would see he deleted the history and would ask him not to....and then he would try to be sneaky about it....so anyway, my question is, do I have a sex addict on my hands or a gay guy on my hands or someone that is just normal and loves a lot of porn and is dealing with a past of ordering up sex because he never got it through his old marriage? I could care less what porn it is or who he desires...it's about me understanding if it's all worth it, or will he be out ordering prosititutes sooner or later when he feels a free moment when he won't get caught?
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 June 2010): From the way you describe it, I don't believe he's addicted to porn (of any variety) but having lived so long allowing himself to do what he did (escorts and porn), it's a very hard addiction to break for many men even if they seriously try. You've talked to him, if he wants to quit or slow down for you, I think he would have made a strong effort by now, particularly since he knows how much it affects you. Also, in my experience once a man has become used to escorts, it's a VERY hard addiction to break, even if they find "love" and start a regular relationship.
good luck
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female
reader, Miamine  +, writes (4 June 2010):
 mmmm... True addiction should interfer with normal life functioning..
What he's looking at is extreme, not abnormal, as nothing in sex is abnormal, but I would say it's at the extreme end of sexuality.
Your approach to this is fair, and as you say, it should be something he should be able to put away, especially since your asking for only a couple of months and not for ever.
Bottom line, he has sexual preferences and a history that disturbs you. It's not something he is able to put aside because it's a habit he's had for a long time, or may be important enough to him to be seen as a part of his personality, the kink he needs to feel desirable.
Personally you sound uncomfortable with this, I don't think he can change. The relationship is new enough, that unless he's your perfect man, I think you should break it off and find somebody who is more suitable.
Gay, sex addict, man who wears woman's clothes, who knows.. lets just say it's too extreme for you to feel comfortable with.
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reader, Oregongrl1 +, writes (3 June 2010):
I know it's all new to you! but everything relationship is different! some healthy some not? but you do have control
over your life! you can keep in the good and toss out the bad. my life was'nt grand believe me, i made alot of mistakes along the way i just got tired of my stupidity and decisions that i was letting into my life, and there was no reason for it. so i woke up became a hard ass at first had my gate up had an additude did'nt care? but i mellowed out i guess it was my way of venting and it felt good!! because i was'nt hurting no'one just trying to find me and who i was
and i tell you it was a journey of so many things? good, bad, sad & happy is'nt that a part of life!! but what is not right is when a man treats a woman so disrespectfully:
i can't tell you enough that he is'nt going to change he is 50 there is something wrong w/ him? he needs to live on his own and that way he is'nt hurting anyone or bringing them down. when a man always blames his divorce and problems on his EX- it's because he is hiding something he don't want you to know! they got to sugar coat things are you would'nt of stayed around. ok what if he would of told you he was the reason for the divorce the problems he created in his marriage and that he had a bad addiction to porn, and enjoyed it and that is why they are divorced! answer this.. would you have given him a chance? you know what iam doing right now iam sitting at my pc writ'ing you it is raining outside it's peaceful my dogies are taking there nap/snoring iam stress free if i want to get up at any time to go shopping maybe visit a friend i can and thats the great thing about having peace of mind! not always wondering what he is doing! you living w/ pain because of what he puts you through? not knowing from one minute to the next how you are going to act or feel! because you live through him and his eyes not you're own self? you know what i liked doing? was to watch romance movies and read romance novels! it opens you're eyes to what is normal and what is'nt i know some are fiction but it does happen w/ true love when you find the good man! he's out there don't give up on you!!!
Best Wishes!
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female
reader, Oregongrl1 +, writes (3 June 2010):
That's why he is divorced! have you ever thought about talking to his EX- to see what she went through there are 2 sides 2 a story it might be something you need to know so you can move on w/ you're life! it all sounds to kinky and so unhealthy to me. you really need to do some soul searching i don't get it! why you stay? you have caught him in so many lies there is no respect or trust in your relationship! and he knows you tolerate it and do not take it serious because he gets away w/ it time and time again.is you're home just a place he can lay his head and hide his addiction because thats what it sounds like and hes 50 and acts like a Lil kid in a candy store! i think you need counseling to better understand addictions and relationships.
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reader, Renee3333 +, writes (3 June 2010):
Renee3333 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI guess I have just never dealt with something like this. I mean, I was the open sexual woman that could watch porn with her man, I mean, it wouldn't be weekly, but perhaps once a month....I guess, I kept believing the excuses, i.e...bad marriage, ex-wife cheated on him, he took her back for the kid's sake, and since marriage was pretty much dead for like five years, (they were together for a total of 28 years) in those five years of no more feelings for her, he went and seeked prostitutes and porn and then started dabbling even further into the trannie stuff. Then here comes this relationship with me, and then he's telling me it's ok..he's not doing it as much..it's toning down...but that's just it, if it's not an addiction, why does it have to tone down? Why can't it just stop? I gave up a lot for him. If it's not an addiction, why can't he give this up for me, like I had asked, just until things were more settled and we created a strong foundation of trust and loyalty and got our relationship back on track, like a couple months was all I asked. Thank you all for all your answers and taking the time out to type your thoughts on this situation....and yes, no matter what, I will look into that support group on line, if for no other reason, but for me to maybe come to terms with all this and understand things better.
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 June 2010): It certainly sounds like he has a sex addiction. Sex addiction doesn't have to conflict with your ability to function socially in order for it to be an addiction....one of the hallmark signs of sexual addiction is escalation, that is, when your normal viewing habits no longer satisfy or excite you and you have to move onto viewing or doing things that you would consider unacceptable in the past (i.e. tranny porn or prostitutes).You can learn alot about porn addiction at npsupport.net It is a support board for sex/porn addicts and their spouses/significant others.If he is a sex addict, I advise you to leave him! It takes a long time for a sex addict to recover (up to 5 years) and there is always a chance of relapse. I was in a relationship with a sex addict for 4 years. It is extremely difficult to be in such a relationship and it is dangerous for your health. It sounds like he is still in denial and admitting that he is a sex addict is the first step in recovery...he hasn't even taken the first step. If he is not a sex addict, then he should be able to stop doing these things, even if they are old 'habits'. It doesn't sound like he has much control over his behavior and makes up some pretty shady excuses for the things he does. He does not sound like good relationship material, you deserve better :)
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reader, olderthandirt  +, writes (2 June 2010):
 The only surprise in this qyestion is that you have not already left. To me, he's semi-normal. Mst of us guys are very curious as to how the "othe half" lives. We may even be a little jealous since gay sex includes things that most women shy away from (oral&anal) and those things are erotic to men. the coke = messed up horemones is clever but highly unlikely(sounds like a cop-out).
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 June 2010): Wow! I'd say he has some serious issues. He is either bi, or is wanting to be. Just the thought of watching something like that would make any normal heterosexual man vomit.
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reader, Renee3333 +, writes (2 June 2010):
Renee3333 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI appreciate your answer to this. I don't think I can live with him the way that he is. I think if he's conflicted, the best thing would be for him to figure things out on his own. He can't even answer the question of why would you put our relationship in jeopardy just to watch porn/trannies? He said he wanted to watch it again to analyze it to see if he still felt the same way about it. I told him that's like me finding you with a prostitute and you saying, hey, I just ordered her to see if I would want to do anything with her, but, hey, look, nothing happened, she came over and we just sat here......lol....doesn't make much sense to me....He says he can't even figure it out..and he is just trying to break the habit...but he doesn't even know what to think of it himself...and he's so hung up on saying that I think he is gay...I told him I don't care what he is....the fact of the matter is that there is this big pink elephant in the room that we can't just ignore anymore..and I'm sick of feeling paranoid because of all the lies that have already added up. Thanks so much for helping me with your thoughts on the issue.
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reader, PM  +, writes (2 June 2010):
 Well, I'm not 100% sure but I think to be diagnosed as a sex addict it has to conflict with your ability to socially function and while it's obvious that this is interfering with your relationship, I'm not sure it qualifies as sex addiction.
As for him being gay, his interest in transexuals seems to suggest he's bi-curious at the very least. The fact that he almost went through with it though suggests it's more than just simple curiosity. It may be a part of who he is.
As for the escorts and the porn, it's definitely true that habits are hard to break. You've been really patient about all of this which is really admirable, but this may just be the way he is. He may not be willing or able to change this habit. I think the important thing for you to think about here is that you can't control him; you can only ask him to change and it doesn't really seem like he's willing to. So the only real thing left for you to decide is whether you can accept him as he is or if you'd rather end things.
I hope that helps.
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 June 2010): I think it's that he might be curious, he couldn't look at this stuff when he was younger because it wasn't so readily available... But it seems a bit unacceptable the way he is doing it, also if he sleeps with escorts and prostitutes you should really get checked out for STDs. Your "(or so he told me)" suggests you don't really trust him... That is a fundemental pillar of any relationship.
Maybe he is bi sexual, why not suggest getting another man in the bedroom with him and you so you can see?
If his behaviour continues you need to tell him to stop.
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