A
female
age
,
anonymous
writes:I had an affair with a married man, I myself am married. The affair lasted for 10 months, it started out as friends, and built into a trusting, wanting, and deep relationship. My marriage was already in trouble and I was just co-habitating with my husband, my lover still communicated with his wife. I was definitely the one who started, pursued, and planned our relationship at first and I fell in love with him, he was always cautious and vague but, over the last few months he changed and he told me last month he was falling in love with me. Wow!! I was excited and thought ok maybe we do have a chance. We seen each other everyday for hours at out of the way places and he truly was committing more to me. He told me he would die for me and that he had never been happier, all seemed to be good. Then we were discovered by my husband, who in turn called his wife. WoW, what an explosion of feelings!! My lover was ordered to leave, he did and we met, went to a hotel and spent a restless night of what do we do's? His wife called constantly, he did not answer his phone. The next morning he said he wanted to be with me and I told him he needed to speak to his wife, he did and told her he would come home to talk. When we left I cried in the car knowing he was most likely not coming back to me. He told me he was going to fight for us and that there was a 50/50 chance. His wife had told him he would never see his kids again if he stayed with me. We were all devastated and in shock. I called him several times and finally he answered with " We are done, I'm sorry" and hung up. Total devastation, sorrow, and pain like I had never felt! I seen him a few days later, he was totally broken, an emotional wreck, and paranoid his wife would see us. I seen him again four times again to talk and try to make sense of all. He had moved out and said it was "bad" and if it didn't get better he would have to move out, again he said him and I had a 50/50 chance..I seen him a week after and he was more distant, but ok. His wife took him back and they were going to try and make his marriage work, we are DONE!! My question was how could he tell me he loved me, would die for me and I made him happier then he had ever been to we are "DONE"? He said, he had to make his marriage work and he would do whatever to make it up to his kids, and he told his wife he loved her because that is what she wanted to hear..OK, what about me? "He loved us, he thinks about me, and he will always remember me", but everything is frozen in his heart..HUH?? What does that mean? He told me I know in my heart what we had and mean't to each other..I thought I did until this.. Do I have any hope? He said keep a flicker? Again HUH?? He left me with " I will miss you like hell" He held my hand and told me the kiss from the previous to remember.. My heart was broken and I had to get out of his car and in mine. I did..I cannot function, I think of him everyday, I rewind our conversations, I go to our places, and I replay his voicemails to me..I know sad, sick and scary.. I just want to know does he think, miss, want or need me?
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affair, fell in love, married man, moved out Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 May 2010): He might have had genuine feelings for you, but when there's kids involved, a good father will choose them over everything. You shouldn't have expected that he would leave them for you. He probably doesn't love his wife, and that's why he spent so much time investing in you, but his children, well, he probably does love them more than you. When you have children, you often compromise your own happiness for theirs.
I completely sympathize with your situation though. I just ended an affair with a man, who I found out later was married with children. It broke my heart to not be with him again, but circumstances pulled us apart. You should start focusing on moving forward. It might take you a month or so, but start the process. He's not coming back.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 May 2010): to answer the title: yes it was
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A
male
reader, CkritAgentMan +, writes (4 May 2010):
Well first you must realize, GUYS LIE! ESPECIALLY to good looking women who are naked and in bed with them!!! Sorry to be so blunt and I'm sure that's not the answer you want to hear but that's just the "simple truth" in many occasions. Now for the "difficult truth" it's much more complex and your situation could very well fall into this category. (Based on what he said and certainly on how you think and have reacted, I'd say YES your situation qualifies.) He probably DOES care for you and it probably IS killing him that he can't be with you. But it sounds like he has at least chosen to remain with his wife if for nothing more than their kids. "The other woman" can fight and sometimes beat "the wife" of a determined husband. But seldom can "the other woman" beat "the kids" if that man is determined to stick it out for them. ESPECIALLY so if his wife has admitted her fault in the marriage and is also trying to turn the marriage around in addition to staying for the kids. In such a case you are fighting a loosing battle and honestly what kind of person would you be if you dug your heels in and actually FOUGHT to tear apart a family willingly trying to save itself?Is it possible for you and him to truly be and love with each other? Certainly! That's part of what makes love and life hard. I think ALOT of married folks would admit (whether to themselves are anonymously) that at some point in their life they have probably encountered someone that really makes them "pop". They would also admit that they could honestly see a relationship with that person as being great and "just know" it would work. But just because that happens is it right to shake up and existing family, cause all that grief just to start over? I'd hope for our sake as a civil society that answer remains NO!!!!!!!!Sorry for the bad news, but take solace that you are now free to do and find out whatever it is that makes you happy. Only you can answer that question. I'm a firm believer in the old adage, "There's someone for everyone".CAM
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female
reader, LLindy87 +, writes (19 April 2010):
 no offense to you but you can't really get mad that he chose his own CHILDREN over you. He didn't chose his wife, because if things were happy with them then he wouldn't have had an affair with you. But you need to understand that his children are more important to him than you are. That sounds harsh, but it should be that way.
I apologize if that was mean, but my dad cheated on my mom and directly after their divorce he was engaged to the new lady.He chose her over his family. Control your emotions and realize the situation you put yourself in was risky. I'm sorry you're in pain but other people are too.
my advice is to find a single man who isn't connected to anyone else. Things work out much nicer then.
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male
reader, lerokiya  +, writes (19 April 2010):
I am sorry for this mess you and your ex-lover have gotten into. Two lonely, needy halves don't always make a loving healthy whole. The two of you didn't get the needs met in both your relationships and the need for a parent to be a part of the children's lives is built into our DNA. What you're feeling now is healthy. You need to go through this pain, there are alot of books out there that will help you heal as well. You could've been the Greatest lover, woman in the world, it wouldn't have helped you in this situation. Some men have an extra sense for detecting needy women and exploit their neediness by saying what the woman wants to hear. Perhaps you're attracted to 'being wanted and needed' part of the affair and not necessarily this guy as an individual. Therapy would help immensely.
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male
reader, unwind +, writes (19 April 2010):
Does your husband know?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 April 2010): Sorry I know it hurts like you've never had hurt..I think that even though you were the mistress, your MM had feelings and probably love..He thought all was good and wasn't prepared for the finding out..YET?? I am sure he does think of you and yes probably miss you BUT he will not give up his family which includes his wife for whatever he had with you.. Will he contact you again..Who knows but for your sake, live, learn, and leave it as you said "DONE"..Your heart will mend, your gut will heal, the tears will slow down, the memories will fade, and the need to hear his voice, see his face, and feel his touch will get less everyday. It will take time and yes alot of pain and agony but you will survive and learn from a horrible experience. In your letter you never said where your marriage is, what about your family, and do you regret the affair?
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female
reader, Polaroid93  +, writes (18 April 2010):
He has kids, think of them, what your doing is wrong and therefore why should you deserve happiness in the end? You cannot build your happiness on other peoples sorrow.
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male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (18 April 2010):
The price of being with a married man is that this might well happen. When his wife pressed the nuclear button ('you will never see the kids again'), he made his decision. Ultimately, he chose his kids over you. You don't have any hope, because you can be sure that if it happened again, his wife would do everything in her power, including telling the children, to make it he could never see his kids again. He has made his decision, and no doubt his wife has also looked closely at the marriage and said she wants to work it out. The truth is you were always the mistress, and never the wife. If he had been sensible, he would have left her before embarking upon an affair. The fact he didn't suggested this would happen. You must not have an affair with a married man, because when it comes down to the choice between his wife and kids, and you, you will lose every time. He made his decision. He wanted his wife.
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