A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I've never obsessed over my wive's past before. She was a virgin (so she said) when we got engaged and moved in together. I knew of a few past boyfriends where they did some 'heavy petting', but that's it.This past weekend, we had a romantic night, and finished off a bottle of wine. My wife is not a drinker, and 2-3 drinks makes her 'loopy'. She asked my about an ex-girlfriend that I was very intimate with (this because my parents, in their infinate wisdom) mentioned about 2 weeks ago that she (my ex) was getting married. This must have set something off in my wife.Anyway the conversation continued and I asked more detailed questions about some of her ex's. She admitted that this one guy she dated (and gave handjobs), that one time, she put the head of his penis in her mouth, but only for about 30 seconds, and finished him off with her hand, so she doesn't consider that giving him a blowjob. Then we got to this other guy she dated for almost 1 year. She admitted that one time they were making out/fooling around, he was naked and she had only panties on. They were dry humping, and she felt him start to go in her, but she freaked out and he stopped. Was my wife really a virgin then for me? Was I the only man she had sex with? I'm feeling like I was deceived by her, maybe not intentionally, but I feel like I wasn't told the whole story about the 'kind-of' blowjob, and the dry humping penis 'slipping in a little' incident. Help me figure out what to think. Thanks, Jay.
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male
reader, IHateWomanBeaters +, writes (12 October 2009):
 this is so childish.
Thank you for the laugh my friend.
O' connor the irishman is right.
Grow up. Be a man and love your wife.
A
male
reader, Mistyisle  +, writes (3 October 2008):
I envy you because your wife is so honest and open. If that is the worst stuff she did then you really are a lucky guy. Forget about minor technicalities, you are her first. Please cherish her and remind her constantly that you love her, and that you are so glad that she waited for you. I knew my wife wasn't a virgin but she was never honest with me because she knew that the truth, which I later found out, would have put me off her. Knowledge of past promiscuity causes so much pain and grief in marriages but it sounds like yours is off to a very good start indeed. Best wishes.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 September 2008): Before couple begin a life together they should be totally honest with one another as to their sex lives with other prople. If you lie and are deceiful, it will come back to haunt you. It could destroy your marriage. Marriages are built on TRUST and TRUTH! If you can't trust your partner, you are in for a miserable life. If you are hiding past relationships, get them out in the open. COME CLEAN! The TRUTH will set you free.
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A
male
reader, daletom +, writes (6 August 2008):
Sheesh, for a young guy you can certainly ask some tough questions!!
I hope you notice there are at least three things - three, maybe four, separate topics - going on here.
First is "What is a virgin?". Of course, sex is a wide spectrum of things that starts perhaps as "innocently" as touching hands, and extends at least as far as giving birth to your children. As you see, the location of the "virginity" line varies from one person to the next. Some classify my wife and I as "technical virgins" on our wedding night: in the months leading up to that we had successfully followed a policy of anything-but-intercourse. (In the process, we gave each other the first experience of a LOT of things!) I say we were virgins until my glans parted her labia, and were not virgins a few moments later when she cried out and started to bleed. 34 years ago she was fully in agreement with that. She has since decided maybe we weren't virgins on our wedding night, but can't decide when we crossed that line.
Second is "Who cares?". Well, obviously, YOU care. And I care. (I disagree with those who tell you to just forget about it. It DOES matter to you, and you're not an anomaly!) And, frankly, a lot of guys who would have screwed anything with a hole in the middle that wore a skirt when they were 19 - they get married, or have a kid, or turn 30, and suddenly THEY care. I have to admit - I'm almost one of them. Before marriage I didn't see anything wrong with "waiting for marriage", and agreed that it was possibly even better to wait, but it wasn't a requirement. Now I feel more strongly about waiting, and I'm glad we DID wait. I wish I could show your post to ALL of the threads that begin, "Well, we're 16 and been dating for 3 months, and decided it's time to start having sex . . . "!
Third is "Why does it matter?" This is where the "trust" factor comes in. Other responses have discussed this. I'll add that in purely pragmatic terms it's easier to tell the truth when there isn't a lot of truth to tell. When you can say "Yes" or "No" and it means, simply, "Yes" or "No". Not "Yes, but . . ." or "No, not really . . . ". But suppose she HAD given you all the details, some time ago. In that case you would be facing the SAME trust problem, although it sounds like this: "She told me about all the things she has done with other guys - what will she say about me? And is there anything that is just for us?"
Which leads to the sub-topic, or possibly a topic in its own right, of "How do sex and marriage fit together?". Certainly sex isn't the same as marriage, nor is marriage mostly about sex. But sex is an important part of many (most?) fulfilling marriages. You're now facing the question of whether sex is as valuable and sacred to her as it is to you. But exactly how valuable and sacred is that? The replies haven't said much about the "ex-girlfriend you were very intimate with". Is your wife trying to punish you for not living up to the standards you set for her? Does the action that you two lived together before you were married speak louder than the attitude that sex is something special and sacred to be shared only between you two?
Those are questions for you and your wife to discuss, though you may wish to share some insights here. I have come to agree with my wife that perhaps we went too far with our premarital lovemaking, but I'm not convinced of it. Fortunately we don't have any outside persons involved with our activities. I believe you and your wife CAN work through this without damaging each other, and it will become part of what defines you as a couple.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 August 2008): A virgin (or maiden) is, originally, a young woman characterized by absence of sexual experience (see Etymology). Virginity is the state of being a virgin (never had sexual intercourse). The word is also often used with wider reference by relaxing the age, gender or sexual criteria.[1] Hence, more mature women can be virgins (The Virgin Queen), men can be virgins (The 40 Year-Old Virgin), and potential initiates into many fields can be colloquially termed virgins, for example a skydiving "virgin". In the last usage, virgin simply means uninitiated
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (5 August 2008): She was not a virgin.
Penis in hand, penis in mouth, penis in vagina, purposely to cause the guy orgasms? All consensual acts within a long term relationship? That's a non-virgin.
Your wife's list of activities is on the edge. I could probably still be able to consider someone a virgin even having done any one single thing that she has told you about. But I think all those things taken together is way over the limit. It's just too much to qualify for V-status anymore.
Of course you're bothered by it.
You know you didn't get the truth from her originally, so now you don't know if you got the truth from her this time either. It's a breach of trust.
You originally thought she was telling you the 100% truth about any sexual behaviour that she engages in. Bow you know that she's capable of just telling you what she thinks you need to hear rather than the truth. That logically SHOULD scare the shit out of you whether it was past or present.
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A
female
reader, Fiona xxx +, writes (5 August 2008):
 You are still a virgin if you have your panties on of course.
But I think you are hinting at lies and is she keeping stuff from you. You are wondering if more happened ever.
Face it if she had a penis inside her virgina for a few seconds even, she is not a virgin.
Why in these days does she feel the need to lie about this stuff if she isn't a virgin? Although it is possible to have done 'everything but' and come very close to having sex and just not done.
I understand from your point of view she is used to sexual activity so wouldn't have been shy and shocked by your actions in the way that she would have been if she had had no experience at all. She was obviously used to some form of sexual contact/behaviour before you met.
Remember there is a difference between having a sexual experience and actually having full sex. There may be a fine line between the two, and there comes a point where you may as well have had sex then, especially if the guy has fingured you.
Perhaps she was strictly speaking a virgin and you were her first, and this slight distinction is important to her. Sometimes this distinction can be important to girls, in terms of keeping down the number of guys you have slept with. For example you can have had sex with x amount of lads, but have done everything but with as many again, but you only call it the smaller number cos strictly speaking that's all you have had sex with.
Just be honnest with eachother and find out.
Fiona.
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A
male
reader, Replacement  +, writes (5 August 2008):
 Was she a virgin or not?
It doesn't matter.
"Technically", no she wasn't. But then again everyone has their own definitions of virginity. Some think that if you have anal sex you're not a virgin, for some if you have oral sex, you're not a virgin... For some unless you orgasm, it's not technically sex, but then again... who knows. It's up to the individual to draw the line for themselves. So I guess if she said she was a virgin, she was. In some people's eyes, she wasn't a virgin, and in others, she was.
But really... it doesn't matter. Does it change anything between you? Nope! She's exactly the same person and you guys have the exact same bond. Don't let this change things, it was so long ago that really... who cares?
Move on!
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A
female
reader, O Connor  +, writes (5 August 2008):
 why does it matter whether or not she was a virgin? she married you, she loves you, she wants sex with you for the rest of her life. why her past should bother you so much is beyond me. as for what she told you, i would believe her. as far as im concerned why would she bother lying to you about something as random as being a virgin? stop freaking out! she didn't deceive you. you need to grow up a bit and realise that a marriage is based on more than who is a virgin and who is not.
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (5 August 2008):
 I think you should consider your wife to have been a virgin when you met her. You can't lose your virginity if you have your panties on.
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