A
male
age
51-59,
*ouston
writes:Was my wife overly promiscuous or fairly normal before we got together??During High School she had sex with 3 guys. 2 of them were boyfriends and one was a friend who she had a crush on. She had sex a total of 4 times in high school. A few weeks before we got together in college she got wasted at a party and had a one night stand with some guyshe barely knew. Since that time its been only me. The one night stand(which I only recently discovered 20 years after the fact) is something I'm having a hard time getting over. Any input would be appreciated.
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male
reader, Danielepew  +, writes (22 September 2007):
 Houston, you mention that she had this one night stand a few weeks before she started dating you, and five years before she married you. If this is the situation, then I need to go back to my original thought. I don't think you should worry about this.
Maybe it would be good if you tried to be on her shoes. Twenty years ago, a one-night stand was far more objected to than it is today. And more so when the party involved was a woman. Maybe other posters are not old enough to know this (I am), so they may not be able to understand your point of view. But, again, I think that your wife is a good woman, or you wouldn't have stayed this long with her.
This is damaging you and her. Things were different twenty years ago, but, for today's standards, your wife is well below average, as other posters have said.
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male
reader, Houston +, writes (21 September 2007):
Houston is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for the response Daniel. It actually happened a few weeks before we started dating and over 5 years before we got married.. She was so drunk that she remembered almost nothing from the encounter except kissing him and then a flash of him on top of her feeling very confused and wondering how she got in to that position (very possible she was willing participant while sloppy drunk). Unusual circumstances for sure. She blocked it from her memory and attempted to deny it to herself. She didn't tell a soul. Of course when I pried it out of her I didn't know what had happened either. You hit the nail on the head though that since this happened in our social circle (we attended a small HS with this guy) I really felt like it was something that should have been on the table. She says she feels better now that we're dealing with it and it's out in the open. I have to admit that I've seen her that drunk and that anyone would have sex with her whiles she's like that makes me pretty angry although he may have been drunk also. She had plausible reasons to hide it. It just an emotional experience for me since this lady has been my life since I was 19 years old, we have children etc. Thanks for your help and understanding.
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male
reader, Danielepew +, writes (21 September 2007):
Houston, what I see here is that your question wasn't really whether your wife was overly promiscuous, but whether she did the right thing in not telling you that she had had a one night stand with someone. As you very honestly say, her sleeping with someone else wouldn't have mattered if she had had the courage to tell you about it. You would have appreciated the honesty.
You have received a lot of criticism because the post wasn't worded in the best way. The posters were reacting to what you wrote. I think I have some authority to say this, as I was one of the posters myself.
If I look at this problem from your perspective, this is the story (I hope I get this right): you had been seeing this girl for some time, you obviously loved her (since you proposed only a few weeks later) and she knew it; but, she got wasted at a party and had sex with someone else, someone you knew. And then she kept it from you. You feel like she made a fool of you. Maybe you're afraid that everyone around knew it and you were everybody's fool.
I can understand your problem in this. It's not the sex that bothers you, not the number of partners she had, but the trust. Did she really care for you when she could sleep with someone else when she knew you loved her? What would people say about YOU if YOU had got wasted, and had sex with someone else, before you proposed to her? What would your wife say if she found out about this twenty years later?
I can understand your problem and I see why it's difficult to overcome.
However, these twenty years with your wife must have proved something. Yep, she's not perfect, and I am sure that married life has shown that to you in many more ways than this regrettable event has. Yet, I think she has also proved to be a worthy wife, or you wouldn't have been with her for twenty years.
You are the poster of this question and we agony aunts and uncles need to worry about what is best for YOU. My advice is, get over this. It is making your life, and hers maybe, miserable. Don't spoil your life over something that happened twenty years ago. But, I am with you. I would feel the same if I were you, and perhaps I would also have a hard time to get over it. Just do get over it.
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male
reader, Houston +, writes (21 September 2007):
Houston is verified as being by the original poster of the questionIt wouldnt have mattered but it was my right to know before the wedding.If she'd have been honest this would hav been a dead issue years ago.She intentionally and knowingly withheld that from me. Men(and woman sometimes) are funny about things sometimes. She knew it mattered to me. Most guys I know would be livid to know their wife slept with someone they knew and then lied to their face for 20 years. And sorry pretending to know something you dont to find out the truth is basically NOTHING compared to lying about a one-night stand with a mutual frien who you have to be around occassionally for 20 freakin years. What a laugh. Get real.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 September 2007): "She withheld information I had a right to know before I proposed"
This sentence interests me somewhat. I'm glad you feel closer to your wife now and judging by your last statement you are happy. But as regards to the sentence above. Are you saying if you knew that information you wouldn't have proposed? For making a mistake she would have been deemed unworthy of your love from up in moral ivory tower land? No one is whiter than white and to expect a blemish free partner would be a preference for some, but it is an unrealistic notion.
I certainly hope this isn't the case, but that's the way it sounds. But look back over 20 years of marriage with your wife and think what you would have missed if you had rejected her at 18 for what she did. And as Mandy says, that other guy does not have what you do-her love. At the end of the day, that's what counts.
And ps. You do kinda owe her an apology for tricking her. Yeah yeah she lied to you, but you lied back and two wrongs don't make a right.
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male
reader, Houston +, writes (20 September 2007):
Houston is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you Mandy. Finally a level headed responce. Everyone handles things differently and has their own sensibilities.I know you are so right. Strangly I feel closer to my wife now than I did before and the anger at her is completly gone. I think she made the decision to lie when she was 18 and simply stuck to her lie. Thank you for not judging me for my feelings and the great advise and perspective. This board needs more folks who can take an objective view and not judge others based on their own biases.
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male
reader, Houston +, writes (20 September 2007):
Houston is verified as being by the original poster of the questionSo that I wanted to know the truth means I dont love my wife?? I can't say I'm surprised that the woman's rights crowd would think that a wife is allowed to lie to her fiance(I asked again and again) about sleeping with a friend of his days before they got together . Unfortunately we live in the real world where a woman's relative level of chastity is a consideration for the vast majority of men PRIOR to marriage especially as it relates to his/her immediate social circle. Sorry ladies...you know its true. And I am to assume that someone who lies about something major like this is not lyng about anything else. Trust is the foundation for relationships. Shame as an excuse for lying is an interesting idea as well. I think some of you ladies might feel different if the skeletons were in your spouses closet. My wife has apologized profusely for this and rightfully so. She withheld information I had a right to know before I proposed. I'm glad she isnt like some of the woman here who like to have it both ways.
PS I'm glad I tricked her. Given the weight of her lie it was MORE than justified.
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 September 2007): Hunny,
I really think that your wife told this untruth as to save you from the feelings your getting now, she must have thought very little of the incedent it self but in her heart she new it would hurt you... Ok maybe she could have told you earlier, But truely deeply what would be the very difference now.
Ive done stuff in my life, we all have my fiance loves me very much and I him we all have a past, But if you let the past get in the way of the future then it will just destroy the very thing you want...
Ive had a very abusive time with ex partners ive been cheated on the night before my wedding and there is more were that came from... But if I let the past control today I would be very unhappy and lonely, Take everything in life as a learning expierence sweetheart trust me this is not worth wasting your energy on....
I do understand how your mind can become focused on this one thing, Trust me its not worth it, You still have a wife who still loves you, forget the bloke he has not got what you have and never did...It may take some time to get your head round and when you do you will then think what a bloody waste of precious time that was hun TAKE CARE LOVE MANDY XXXXXXXXXX
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female
reader, HonningKanin  +, writes (20 September 2007):
 What would you have done any differently if she had of said yes?And I happen to Agree with Penta that she may not have wanted to tell you. She may have felt ashamed and if anything you lied to her to get your self deserved "truth". You already have it in your mind that you are right .. PERIOD... You should know.. you needed to know.. wives should tell you everything. I have a news flash. Even in a marriage a spouse is allowed to keep some things private to herself if he/she knows it will do no good to the relationship for the better of the relationship no matter if the partner doesn't think so. Especially when these things happened prior to a relationship. She is still allowed her identity and her privacy. Her past is her past.. not yours and she doesn't have to tell you everything about it whether it was sexual or not Period.What you did was prod at a wound she may have wanted to forget but you wouldn't let her. Shame on you. You may be hurt but consider that your wife may well have been embarrased and upset about the situation herself and may have wanted to block it out. If you loved her you would have let it go.
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male
reader, Houston +, writes (20 September 2007):
Houston is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI'm one of those odd people who doesnt like their wife to lie to them about sex for 20 years. My anticipated reaction justifies her lying somehow? If you think your spouse wont like it, no need to tell. LOL. Marriages are founded on trust. Sleeping with a high school friend 3 weeks before we got together is relevant information for a fiance...period. Should I get over it? yes. Some things take time.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (20 September 2007): OMG, what's wrong with you? Didn't you have an sexual past? and I can't blame her for not telling you for the way your acting, if you keep behaving like this your push your wife away. Your pathetic
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 September 2007): It was twenty years ago, Your wife was very young at the time, single from what it sounds, and free to do what ever she wanted. No she wasn't overly promiscuous in her youth. Try to get over it, you don't have a right to judge your wife for her life before you. Leave the past well enough alone
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female
reader, happytochat  +, writes (20 September 2007):
I can see how knowing that she had a one night stand can be upsetting. It may make you question her values and belefis? You clearly seem to be like the person who is against one night stands and for someone to do that, it gives you doubts in the type of person they are.
Sure, generaly when somoene has one night stands (plural!) you could look at them in a prety negative way...but the thing is she only did it once (singular) so I would take it as she made a mistake (as evryone does) and its something she regrets. She was yougn, and young people make bad decisions.
I dont think the fact that she had one night stand while under the influence of alcohol represnets the true character she is, it just goes to show she was young and made asilly mistake. Remember that...a one night stand that happens ONCE does not represent who she is.
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female
reader, penta +, writes (20 September 2007):
 If she had a pattern of lying about everything, then I'd agree with you. You said it was about this one thing, and that otherwise she was an angel in every way. And looking at your response I can understand why she did what she did. I'm not saying she was right to tell the original lie, but I can understand it. And I stand by my answer.
You owe her, and now me, an apology. I won't hold my breath on either count. But if you can't get over this, then your relationship is over. Continuing to hold her past over her head will bring the both of you nothing but misery.
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male
reader, Houston +, writes (20 September 2007):
Houston is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthats just peachy penta. A spouse is allowed to tell a flat out lie over and over .....again and again even if it puts her signficant other is a very awkward spot. What a wonderful trust builder. She has already repeatedly apologized and rightfully so. I deserved to know...period. You sound like the type that has lots to hide. Best of luck lying like a dog in your relationship.
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 September 2007): Houston, I read your other posting on Sept 8 titled "Should I trust my wife after she kept this from me??" Plainly this issue deeply troubles you and the advice you got on that thread was very good. I really think you need to base your wife's character on the type of wife has she been to you the past 20 years. Sadly, I don't think any of us can give you the answers you seek. I wish you the best and if this is something you continue having problems with..please seek help from a professional marriage therapist, before your good marriage blows up. Be careful. Take care.
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 September 2007): It matters not how well you no this man... Its how well you no your wife...
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female
reader, penta +, writes (19 September 2007):
So you tricked her into revealing something she obviously wanted to keep private, then reacted exactly the way she feared, which validates her feeling that you didn't need to know! Pretty underhanded.
It's not like she cheated on you. It really wasn't any of your business, in any way.
This was in her PAST man. This is not something she's kept up, it's OVER. I still maintain that you need to get over it. And you owe her an apology, too.
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male
reader, Houston +, writes (19 September 2007):
Houston is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHere's the problem. We were friends when she slept with this guy she barely knew. I liked her at the time and was around her when this happened. Once we got together I asked her repeatedly about it and she denied it time and time again even after we got married. We even saw the guy at a high school reunion at which I thought he acted funny so asked her again and she denied it once more. Call me old fashioned but before you get married your wife should tell you if she slep with someone you know fairly well and went to highschool with and frankly I think an accurate sexual history is not too much to ask for from a prospective spouse. Only when I acted like I already knew did she spill the beans. Having said that she is an angel in basically every way. The thought of some man experiencing that intimacy with her and basically using her breaks my heart. Love isnt always rational and this is still fairly new information but it hurts like bloody hell right now. I wish I didnt know the guy.
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 September 2007): No, your wife was not promiscuous. In fact, I would think she was quite 'below' average. So why does her sexual laisons before she married you, worry you this much? Hard time getting over it? Excuse me? I think your wife was honest and vulnerable telling you a bit about her past bf's and her sexual history. She certainly was not obligated to. You act like this is your punishment..it's not. It was 'her' life before you and it's really, actually and definitely none of your business. One of the most painful personality traits with married people is jealousy and pettiness and a marriage has NO room for such toxic behaviors. The ugly thing about pettiness is the 'unhealthy emotional beating' others take at the hands of a petty, angry spouse. I hope this is not you and I certainly hope you are keeping your mouth closed on all this. Usually spouses who do this, are melodramatic and like to focus on being the center of attention by feeling pain and hurt over things they had no control over. Realx, regroup, rethink and let this go...or your marriage will sink. Now, go hug your wife and just get over this. Good luck and take care.
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female
reader, penta +, writes (19 September 2007):
I don't think she was overly promiscuous in her past. But here's an important question: so what if she was? It's her PAST. You've found no fault in her for 20 years. Why now? Nothing has changed but you.
Get over it. Fast. She can't change her past. And if you can't get over it, your relationship will have no future (and it will be your fault).
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female
reader, Ears4tears  +, writes (19 September 2007):
 Your wife was extremely normal huni, you dont have anythink to worry about, Think about it hun your wife im guessing would be in her 30s so in that time she has had no more than 5 sexual partners including YOU!! I am in my 20s and although ive never had a one night stand i have had more than 5 sexual partners and many other women alot lot more. Alot of women have one night stands in fact i think its a very commom experience now as many youngsters preferr casual to commitment.
She made a drunken mistake 20 years ago, before she got with you..... so leave it in the past where it belongs!!!
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male
reader, Danielepew +, writes (19 September 2007):
There are some things in life you should never waste a minute thinking about, and this woman's sex life is one of them. I find no fault in her.
Are you sure this is what troubles you? Maybe you're unsure for another reason?
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 September 2007): Hunny,
We all experiment in different ways as we are growing up, And I can say to you no she was not promiscuous.
This is quite tame behaviour for today. As a mother of two sons I hear alot and believe me when I say this is perfectly normal.
I cant talk for everyone but I do no alot of young women who would think she was as good as gold...
The amount of times Ive had to console a friend because she got drunk and ended up doing something she really wished she had not, I cant count, I dont judge anyone at all or try my best not to I always try and think that we are all human and its lifes little learning experiences that makes us the people we are...
You love your wife for who she is you have nothing to worry about sweetheart, It really is past and not worth your feelings of negativity taking over as sometimes our minds make up little storys in our heads that are not the case at all, She married you and apart from this worry I feel you are happy so think possitively that you have a great wife who loves you very much and you get to spend the rest of your life with the woman you love, So the past is just that live for the todays and tomorrows and be happy love. TAKE CARE OF BOTH OF YOU LOVE MANDY XXXXXXXX
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 September 2007): To be honest, you really should get over this. She slept with these guys before she met you, and in your own words: since then it has only been you. That should be all you need to know. Why did you only find out about the one night stand 20 years after? I'm guessing it's because she didn't want you to think any less of her because she made a mistake, and now you do know it's starting to niggle at you; thus proving her fears. Okay, 20 years IS a long time to keep that to herself, but maybe she's not proud of it and thinking that the less said about it the better. I wouldn't say she was promiscuous at all, considering apart from the one night stand she's had genuine feelings for the other guys. In fact, probably a normal amount of people before settling down into marriage. Let the one night thing go. 20 years is a long time to start dragging things up from, and if you go down that road then you're a fool because it will only end in hurt.
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