A
female
age
36-40,
*enn284
writes:Hello. I've been with my boyfriend for 3 months now and we just hit our first rough patch and I was hoping for some advice. For some background information, he's a police officer who works a very hectic schedule and works 4nights a week, including weekends. I am accecpting of his schedule however, for the past 3 weekends he has been busy with work and we have not had quality time. The last time we had a day to ourselves was 3 weeks ago on a Sunday afternoon.Since then, we have seen each other 3 different occasions. Two of which were with mutual friends and another was a quick 30 minutes before he had to go to work. During our 30 minute visit we had a discussion in which I explained to him that I felt that we did not haveenough quality time and while I enjoy hanging out with friends at the same time, I would like to have more alone time together. When the discussion ended, I felt we were on the same page. Also, keep in mindthat when we see each other during the week, it's usually once a week on one of his days off when I do not feel my best after a long work day. However, I still make the effort and time to see him. Unfortunately, he lives with roommates so our time alone during the week is spent being interrupted by his roomies. The issue is that this Sunday is his first Sunday off in a 3 weeks and I assumed that we would be hanging out. However, he mentioned to me that he made plans with an old friend that he hasn't seen in a few months. Please keep in mind that this friend is close by and there is no other reason why they would need to see each other Sunday. Was it wrong for me to assume that we would spend time together on Sunday given our conversation about how I feel that we don't have enough alone time?When I brought this up to him, he got rather defensive and said that it was wrong for me to assume we would hang out. He also mentioned that he feels his life is imbalanced and that he feels like he has to divide his time between work, me, friends, and family. In this particular case, he said he felt guility that he hasn't seen this friend in a few months. He also said that it doesn't mean he doesn't want to see me, and that he loves seeing me but at the same time, there is so much going on in his life that I'm not always on his mind. He also said that we did not have plans for Sunday and did not understand why I would feel that way.I guess my question is that was it wrong for me to assume that we would hang out on his first full free day in almost a month? Should I be upset that he would make plans with his friend without considering me first given the fact that I have told him that we have been lacking quality time together?Any feedback is greatly appreciated. Thanks!
View related questions:
roommate Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, 80008 +, writes (11 March 2010):
I'm a police officer that works nights. To add to the conflict this creates, sometimes I have to work mandatory overtime and plans get messed up.
Working nights definitely takes a toll on my social life. Like your BF, I feel like I'm frequently neglecting someone. I often feel out of the loop (disconnected) from friend and my GF (2+ years) because I can't hang out casually. No meeting up for dinner or a drink, playing pool, riding bikes, working on cars or other projects after work. I miss going to sleep with my GF - pillow talk is important.
My days off from work are extremely important, but even then, like you mentioned, sometimes my GF is tired from working. Getting to hang out 6 hours is important, but it's not like we can take a two day adventure. Having the same days off is rare.
Missing parties and other social events is difficult too. I've recently learned (discovered) my GF is getting close to a coworker, having a good time going out with just him while I'm at work, failing to mention anything about him to me. She's admitted having a crush on him and getting close to the line, but is firm she would never cross it. I want to trust her, but she's been deceptive. I'm hurt, but I'm going to do what I can to strengthen our relationship (she must do her part as well). I'm trying to work more "normal" hours soon, and I'm taking days off here and there to spend quality time with her.
I hope this will give you some insight, emphasize how important communication is, and let it be a warning to the challenges of working opposite schedules.
Relationships like this take considerable effort and he may not be up for it. It could just be a time management and communication problem.
Thank you for letting me rant a little bit.
too. much. stress.
A
male
reader, CaringGuy  +, writes (11 March 2010):
You spoke about it three times, and he chose his friend. It means that overall, though he likes you, you're not the priority. He obviously has a right to hang out with friends, but when a man says his life is 'imbalanced', it means he needs to sort himself out. Good guys get it right. He hasn't. So you now need to make a decision. Can you live with this, or not? If not, then it's time to move on.
...............................
A
female
reader, Laura1318  +, writes (11 March 2010):
 He is your priority but you are only one of his options.
Don't expect much when you are ranked so low in his priority list.
His heart is too crowded and there isn't much room for you to maneuver.
Maybe , he thought that he got you and he does not have to do the wooing and chasing anymore.
You have discussed about quality time with him and it seems that it has no effects on him.
It is your turn to deal.Place your cards on the table.
...............................
A
male
reader, Danimal20 +, writes (11 March 2010):
Well i can see where your going with this, you have every right to be like, Wat the hell? You know? The guy seems like he has a pretty busy schedule. It seems like the conversation that you guys had just went in one ear and out the other, i think that after he is done with his buddy date, wait until the next time you guys have time to yourselves, and talk about it more and tell him about your feelings, you sound like a nice girl, dont let him know that you are upset, just look a little sad you know? and be all like, hey you didnt tell me that we were going to hang out, and we havent had any time together, and you ended up hanging with your friend, which i have no problem of you doing, but just remember that in a relationship it takes 2 to tango, tell him again that you love him and that you want to see some more of him and for him to make some time for you, it is fair of you to ask of him, if i didnt see my gf for a month then ide be like wat the hell, or wat you can start doing is constantly ask him to hang out, and see if he is making excuses and see the pattern that he does, and then you will have already done your part by trying ur hardest to see him. you know what im saying?
...............................
A
female
reader, Not My Name  +, writes (11 March 2010):
 I don't think it is wrong of him to want to spend time with a friend, and no, without a definate plan you perhaps should not have assumed he would want to spend his day off with you, ... however, the fact that he didn't want to make you his priority given you had discussed time alone being an issue for you spells out quite clearly that you simply do not rank that highly in his world.
It is important to keep one's friends too, but 3 months in is typically when people are falling over themselves to hang out with a significant other, ... (or at least wanting to correct issues their partner is having) but if you are not that significant already at this stage, don't expect that you ever will be.
Sorry, but I can see a lot of heartache and self doubt for you if you stay in a situation where you are not feeling as important to your guy as he is to you. My advice would be to move on and find someone who would go out of their way to spend time with you rather than just fit you in when nothing else is on their schedule.
...............................
A
female
reader, mizz.butterflies +, writes (11 March 2010):
 Umm yes. You are right babygirl. The first person he should wanna see is you. He would of said "sorry man i havent seen my chick in so long,imma see you next week"...why would he prefer a male company anyway? Besides that,he already spends time with his friends,so why couldn't he say to this other friend to join the guys? An entire sunday devoted to him? Something's fishy here.I also see that you have many expectations from him.You need to chill a bit and focus on your life.Make him chase you! Also,don't see him when your tired.Don't try more than he does.
...............................
|
