A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I’m 6 months out of a long term relationship. When we first got together he had what I can only describe as a flirtationship with a woman at work - just messages and flirting and I let it go, but assured him next time it happened he would be gone. We had a great 7 years together and enjoyed a good relationship. Had a child and were due to be married. Back in July I found he was messaging another woman at work and had been meeting her for lunch etc. They both swear it was nothing physical but I finished with him anyway. During the past 6 months he’s maintained that he loves me and desperately wants us to sort things out. He’s spoken to my family and friends, and has tried hard all round to prove it to me but I wasn’t interested in having him back as the trust has gone and I will not tolerate cheating on any level.3 months ago I met someone else. While I absolutely was not looking for a relationship of any sort, we just instantly clicked and started spending time together. I really like this man and he is everything I would look for in a partner but have made it clear to him I am nowhere near ready for another serious relationship. He is happy to date me and take as long as I need. While he is a wonderful man and we have a lot in common and get on very very well, I find that I am starting to miss my ex and wonder if I made a mistake by throwing away our relationship.While I haven’t exactly expressed this to my ex, we do speak regularly and have managed to maintain a good relationship for the sake of our child. He knows I have been seeing someone else and said no matter what happens in the future he will never stop trying to prove to me how much he loves me and will always welcome me back with open arms if I decide to give him another chance. I’m torn. Did I make a mistake moving on so quickly? Was it silly to throw away my entire life on the back end of a few messages and meetings?
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 February 2020): Humans tend to repeat behavior. He screwed up. Nobody can tell you if he would eventually cheat "for real," but it does seem possible.
I disagree with the person who said he wouldn't have done that if he loved you. There is a difference between love and boredom and one doesn't always trump the other.
It's great that you're both still invested in your child's life, so maybe you made the right call!
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 January 2020): I hate to say this but if your ex did love you then he wouldn't have been messaging and flirting with supposed 'friends' behind your back.
If he and the woman you found out about recently were truly just friends, then why was it all done in secret? After the first time he knew that he was putting the relationship in danger by messaging this woman and meeting her for lunch behind your back, but he decided that meeting her was more important than keeping your relationship solid. And I'm very sceptical anyway about this friends thing. Men rarely court a woman's friendship, especially when there is a chance that it could out to be more than that.
You know in your gut that you did the right thing, because you did it! Think about how you felt the instant that you found out that he had been messaging women behind your back again! How angry and betrayed you felt. And quite rightly so. Well done you for getting rid of him and now you are free to find someone who is worthy of your trust. By the way the new guy doesn't sound like he's it otherwise you wouldn't be giving your ex a second thought. You're not ready to date in my opinion. Be single like you were going to be and let this nice guy go who is wasting his time with someone who is still mooning after her ex. It's not fair on him. Give yourself time and keep away from your ex. You did the right thing. Keep it that way. Good luck.
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A
male
reader, N91 +, writes (28 January 2020):
 Nope, I don’t see any mistake here.
You set your boundaries, you said anymore and he’s gone! He still wanted to mess around with other women so he’s gone! Simple as. You stuck to your guns, well done for that as we have so many posts here of people who get cheated on multiple times by the same partner and wonder why! Because they allow it to happen by accepting the behaviour. You didn’t fall for your exes bullshit and showed him the door.
Don’t go back on your word now or else you’re showing that you’re a walkover. Keep the civil relationship for the sake of your child but move forward with your life not backwards.
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 January 2020): Second-guessing ourselves and indecision is part of our ambiguous and dubious human-nature. It's a weakness that requires us to exercise our practice in good-judgement; and to learn how to trust ourselves. Necessary before you can extend trust to others.
If we don't learn to make sound decisions and stick to them; we'll become wishy-washy, unreliable, and we'll never really progress in life. Always avoiding the responsibility of making firm-choices, and playing it safe. Otherwise, repeating the same mistakes.
We want guarantees, and life refuses to offer us any guarantee that things will always go well. The key to survival, is developing the skill to press on when they don't. Learning from our mistakes. Not always allowing doubt to overrule our decisions.
I'm not going to criticize your decision to let him go after catching him cheating...twice! That kind of violation of trust weakens or damages relationships sometimes for-good. When we put aside our differences, and try to forgive people; but they don't value your trust enough to try harder not to repeat their mistakes. Especially, after being given a second-chance. It means they really have a weakness they are unlikely to ever overcome...at least, not soon enough to make a third-chance sensible! Or, even worth your trouble!
If they can't trust themselves to have self-control, why should you bother trusting them??? Thrice? Oh, hell no!!!
He had the chance to demonstrate and prove your forgiveness was justified and appreciated. The promise and commitment of your engagement was not a deterrent; nor was sharing a child together. You can forgive a person, without reinstating the original relationship. You can start fresh on new terms; but trust must be conditional, and must be earned back. Stricter-rules apply once he failed the first test!!! Most often, people take each other back; and kill each other with toxic-insecurity and unbridled-suspicion. What's the point?
I personally have a scorched-earth policy. You get only one chance! That's because I'm older than you. I have much more experience in discernment and judging character; and I've had the benefit of very long-term happy relationships with people of irrefutable-character. They've proven to me my trust is valuable. They didn't test me, or strain our relationship by yielding to unnecessary temptation. I, in-turn, would not jeopardize the one I love for anything. So far, so good! My partner expects no less of me!
I caught my first-love in the act of cheating. I forgave, and moved-on. Trust was rebuilt, and maintained thereafter. It ended with death by cancer. We're human, with faults and weaknesses. When it comes to trust, love can't survive without it. That's the area where people fail the most; and why there are so many breakups and divorces. No trust.
For one-too-many people...trust is too easily sacrificed. The value of it is neither appreciated, nor fully-understood. Trust rests on honor, and is reinforced by the depth of how much we love each other. Seems like an outdated concept...right? It's not. That's why so many people are insecure, have trust-issues, and divorce is a worldwide-pandemic!
What you miss is what was good about your previous-relationship. His continued-presence in your life only reminds you of what you used to have. It's good to remain civil and respectful of each other, for the sake of your child. That makes co-parenting that much easier, and gives the child a stable and loving-environment. While both parental-units remain separate, and go about their separate-lives. Of course, his love intensifies when he is aware you've found someone else who might not fail where he did. Thereby amplifying his past-mistakes that much more! Reasserting his love, keeps you confused and up-in-the-air! Thus, it keeps you off-balance. The objective is to soothe his jealousy, and protect his male-ego.
A once-cheated woman finding love, and a new sex-partner; makes her ex feel somewhat emasculated. His property-ownership becomes threatened. His past sexual-performance is now in competition with someone possibly more sexually-adept, more endowed; and most importantly, more loving and faithful! The thought of being replaced is a blow to his male-pride. Love will be used as the most obvious and convenient excuse! Two-chances in the past didn't prove that, did they?
Just remember this. Giving people too many chances encourages them to gamble with your trust. When there is no fear of the consequences, impulse-control goes out the window. You'll become permanently-damaged with trust-issues; and all future-relationships will be tainted with leftover-baggage and insecurity. Everyone in your life thereafter suffers for his violation of your trust. It's unfair!!!
Stand-by your decision. You deserve a chance to find everything you want and need in a partner; not keep taking risky chances with what failed more than once.
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious +, writes (27 January 2020):
 Everyone is different and what is acceptable to one person is not to another. That said, secrecy and/or lying never make a good relationship foundation. If the relationship with this work colleague was so innocent, why could he have not been up-front about it, introduced you to his "friend" and been honest about who he was having lunch with? That would have reassured YOU and would have clearly set out the boundaries to HER.
I had a boss years ago who I used to spend quite a lot of time with socially. We often went for extended pub lunches and even a whole day beer festival at which we got absolutely hammered. My partner came to pick me up afterwards, while my boss's son picked him up. There was no secrecy of any sort involved. Both his family and my partner knew where we were and what we were doing. We had all met and none of us had any problems with any of our outings. No secrecy was involved and nobody suspected anything dodgy was going on.
You say you have lost trust in your ex. If you can't rebuild that trust, then it is pointless going back. You cannot have a good relationship if you are constantly wondering where he is and who he is with, regardless of whether it's "physical". It's the secrecy which makes you lose trust.
In your shoes I would take things very slowly on all counts. Don't get too involved with this new guy, lovely as he may be. You did the right thing in warning him you are not ready for anything serious. That said, it will not stop him hoping he can sway you and convince you otherwise. After all, he is only human. Be clear about boundaries and stand your ground until you decide what to do about your ex.
If you do decide to give your relationship with your ex another go, you must be clear that this is his final chance and that, if he screws up again, there will be no more chances. He needs to realize it was the SECRECY which made you lose trust and that, going forward, if he wants to have lunch with a work colleague, he should be open about it if he has nothing to hide. That is, of course, assuming you are ok with him having lunch with lone females. No rights and wrongs here; it depends on how YOU feel about it.
As I said, we are all different.
Good luck.I hope it all works out for you.
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A
female
reader, Anonymous 123  +, writes (27 January 2020):
 Well that really depends on your beliefs. You said you would not tolerate cheating on any level and you stuck to your stand. Given that your boyfriend was fooling around behind your back, your anger was understandable. So what's changed now? Nostalgia? Yearning for the days gone by? The comfort of the old and the familiar? Or the fact that starting a new relationship and what could potentially be a new life is starting to freak you out?
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