A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I have been with my fiance for the last 11 months, she has many of her ex-boy freinds on her facebook account which she claims to be good freinds with, This also includes 2 guys who have had a threesome with her, it is a bit confronting and hard for me to understand, when i asked her to remove those 2 guys, she was not confortable and said that would not solve the problem, i really don't feel comfortable with this response, do you think my request is resonable?
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facebook, fiance, her ex, threesome Reply to this Question
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male
reader, Mr Clark  +, writes (2 February 2011):
To my mind, you are being reasonable. But, what is "reasonable" is purely subjective, so there is no "right" answer.The real question is whether or not you can be happy being married to someone who is still friends with her exes and men she had threesomes with. I do not know enough about your relatinship to know for sure, but my sense is that the answer is "no". Even if you are being unreasonable on some absolute scale, it still would not change the reality that you would not be happy being married to her. It doesn't matter if 99 out of 100 men would be perfectly OK with it if you are the one in 100 who isn't. (or if 99 out of 100 men would not be OK with it and you are one of the 99)If you know you won't be happpy with this, even if it is unreasonable, you will have to move on and find someone who is more suitable for you. There are plenty of men and women who would have no problem taking exes off facebook if their SO said it bothered them. For me, my exes just aren't that important to me anymore. They are exes for a reason.
A
male
reader, df30 +, writes (2 February 2011):
Hell no your not being unreasonable. She had sex with two guys at once and I thinks it ok to be uncomfortable with that. If you said look I don't like that these guys still can communicate with you could you please delete them? no problems with that. Why does she care about what these guys are doing or want to see them again away if the past is the past? I think its disrespectful on my part, if my gf told me se didnt want my exs number on my phone Id say ok your right I dont need them any more not well I want to keep this one in case we break up so I dont lose contact with her.
I think its ok to ask her to take them off maybe Its just me but I would have done the same.
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A
male
reader, Serpico +, writes (2 February 2011):
The first question Id be asking myself is if I could call a woman who had a threesome my wife. Having her remove the photos wont remove the reality that it happened.
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A
male
reader, thruxton +, writes (1 February 2011):
 never confess to previous sexual experiences, especially crazy stuff like 3'somes. this relationship is probably doomed.
it wouldn't matter if she fixed her facebook or not since it's in your brain already.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 February 2011): I think when she said it wouldn't "solve" the problem she meant your insecurity.
I would be uncomfortable too if someone asked me to modify my own personal site just to reassure them... much less tell them who I should be friends with or not.
She's not a child, she's an adult with her own history.
Here's why asking her to unfriend these guys is a bad idea:
-If you unfriend someone on facebook they will be more likely to contact her directly and to find out the reason why they were unfriended. I've done exactly this with people who unfriended me. You will create a situation where her former lovers will approach her in a more direct way rather than just facebook.
-In the case of her ex-boyfriend with whom she is on good terms, it will cause more drama than you want. You will make yourself an enemy.
Say she is on good terms with her ex, say he even has the best wishes or is indifferent to your relationship with her. When he contacts her (say via an email at work) and says "What up with the unfriending?" and she says, "Oh...it's something I had to do for my fiance to assure him"
He will likely says, "Well, he sounds like a prick" and from then on find reasons to put you down in front of her.
Everyone has friends on facebook that they don't interact with. It's just a rolodex. I doesn't mean she'll be persuaded into infidelity by a 1" X 1" icon.
If her relationship with them is far in the past and she doesn't communicate with them anyway, then why bother?
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A
female
reader, Br1dgette +, writes (1 February 2011):
I don't know this girl that he is talking about but he hasn't said anything bad about her. Without more info I think the only thing any of us could assume is that he is slightly insecure. Not that that is a bad thing but it is a hard thing to deal with as a woman. If women who's men felt insecure cut people out of their lives everytime their significant other felt uncomfortable we would end up confined to a small room for eternity with NO ONE but him to talk to lol. I know that is an exaggeration but really when someone is insecure the best way to assure them isn't by coddling their insecurities. The if you love me you won't do this sorta game isn't nice. It's a game and it doesn't accomplish anything. To me from what I'm reading he's feeling insecure because she has said she won't do it. Which is making him more insecure. So at this point he's basically feeling that she doesn't care enough about him to delete these people. That is not a rational way to think and she shouldn't have to lose her friends because he's thinking this way. Also to me what happened in the past is in the past. If these people are "friends" to her now then what they did in the past is entirely irrelevant. If they don't have a sexual relationship now than it is irrelevant.
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A
female
reader, Br1dgette +, writes (1 February 2011):
I think that your request is indeed reasonable but I also think she makes a good point. If she has been loyal to you, and she does not flirt with these guys that she now claims to be just friends with than her deleting them from her facebook isn't going to solve the issue. If you can trust her and she doesn't do anything disloyal with these people than the issue is yours and not hers. If it makes you feel uncomfortable I can understand you asking her to remove them. Because of the past I don't see any reason that she would argue with you about deleting the. She loves you and unless they are good friends and hang out etc... there is really not reason she should be opposed to removing them. Then again like I said lol if she hasn't given you a reason to distrust her than the issue is yours and she shouldn't NEED to remove them.
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A
male
reader, Capri2  +, writes (1 February 2011):
I don't think you are being unreasonable. Most people have sex only when they are into a serious relationship. It's part of the popular culture. Even when there is a lot of people who are ok with free-sex and open relationships. I think you are someone who takes sex as an intimate part of a relationship. And that's why it bothers you your girlfriend had a threesome.
Having said that, it's reasonable that you want those guys out of your girlfriends live. Live she is sharing with you now.
Whether you do have the right to ask her that. I guess you can ask her to remove those guys from her facebook account. And she can choose to do it or not. You will have to figure out what to do later.
I can think of two possible reasons for she saying "it won't solve the problem". Because she will keep in contact with them, or because deleting them won't change the past and you will still be bothered about that threesome.
In my own personal opinion she should never told you she had a threesome.
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A
male
reader, serenity80  +, writes (1 February 2011):
It's not a case of being right or wrong, obviously this is bothering you intensely or you wouldn't be posting on here. You've told her how you feel, and now you haven't been able to come to an understanding.
I would look at it this way, if she was really upset by something that you could change for the sake of her feelings and your future, would you do it? Or would you effectively tell her to "deal with it"?
The only exception to this is whether or not you are making her feel bad for her past. If you are, the chances are that she may be holding on to these friends out of principle. I suspect you are doing something like this, because if you were entirely happy as a couple then she would not knowingly want to jepapdise a future with you, for the sake of her past.
I think though if these friends do mean more to her than your feelings and you are otherwise a great boyfriend to her then perhaps she is not the girl for you?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 February 2011): Hey pal I feel you here. I dont sense youre trying to control her behavior but in fact youre seeking reassurance that she no longer has any meaning in her life for those two random men. In my honest opinion because you are seeking this reassurance I dont find it unreasonable. She could say "Yes these men are out of my life" but her actions of leaving them on her facebook and POTENTIALLY having them still be in contact suggests otherwise. The fact she has a problem with your reassurance and insecurity doesnt sit well with me as if she was truly committed she'd cut those people out from her past so that she doesnt perhaps feel any temptation to do such a rather, I'll maintain politeness here, promiscuous act. Good luck.
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A
male
reader, sliderz1986 +, writes (1 February 2011):
Hey,
I don't think this is unreasonable but you need to know you can trust her. If she is only friends with them and no longer contacts them then I don't think you need to worry.
If however she still speaks to them I totally understand your point. I've witnessed similar problems in the past. Just be open and honest and tell her how you feel. She cannot argue with the way you feel. Honesty is the best policy. :)
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 February 2011): You asked this before and got got great responses.
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/she-wouldnt-remove-this-ex-from-her-facebook.html
The end result after a lot of debate was that it doesn't matter what we think, it only matters what she thinks and she does find it unreasonable.
She has lots of ex boyfriends on her account and you don't have a problem with them, only with the two she had a threesome with so yes, that is being unreasonable. You're retro jealous and yes you are being unreasonable.
Now you asked your question 2 weeks ago and you still haven't this sorted, so you have bigger problems than that to work out.
I also asked you a lot of questions in my post to your other question and you didn't respond.
This is your problem no hers, this is your insecurity not hers. If she has to take drastic measures every time you feel insecure about her past then it's not going to work out for you.
She is your fiancé which means she has committed her life to you. You seriously need to get over this jealousy you have, because at the moment you're acting like a spoiled child.
I'll say it again, she thinks you're being unreasonable, they're her friends and she wants to keep them on her facebook so you either have to get over that or you have to move on.
The fact you're back asking this question means you're being even more unreasonable because you won't let this go. You won't solve it, you just want people to tell you that you're right.
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