A
male
age
41-50,
*omewhat_anonymous
writes:Hi Everybody,I need to get the take of people I don't personally know on this situation. I live by two simple rules. Don't pursue a woman that's taken and don't show up uninvited. On short notice, a female friend of mine (who I've known most of my life and really want to be more than friends with) invited me to her brother's wedding. I used to be best friends with her brother when we were kids, but then we lost touch and I see him from time to time, like every two years, and it just seems like there is absolutely nothing to talk about after all these years. He's got no personality any more and he's more of an acquaintence than a friend at this point. Like all he does is acknowledge that people exist, but doesn't interact. My friend (his sister) wanted me to be "the surprise blast from the past" or something like that for the wedding.I had plans on that weekend I could have easily gotten out of, but I didn't. I made up an excuse and didn't go to the wedding mainly because I didn't feel right about this "surprise guest" nonsense. It was his wedding day and it seems to me that people he really wanted there should be there. He has my contact info and could have easily invited me himself if he wanted me there, but he did not, so i thought it would be better if I didn't go. I felt that if I went, it would be more for his sister. That is dangerous because she's got a boyfriend and it has been VERY OBVIOUS lately that we've been slipping into the direction of more than friends. We've been able to resist it so far, but it hasn't been easy for either of us and I'm trying to backoff until they break up, which will definitely happen in a not-so-distant future. Anyway, most of my friends say I played the wedding right, but now it's like she won't talk to me. She might be legitimately busy (she is a workaholic and has been trying to move and get a promotion - it all makes sense if you know her) but I'm thinking she's mad at me for not going. I'd like to hear what some of you that don't really know me on a personal level think. Since we're not all psychics and probably cannot tell if she is mad or not, I'd really like to know whether or not u=you think I make the right decision not to "crash" the wedding, or should I have gone?
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male
reader, somewhat_anonymous +, writes (13 October 2007):
somewhat_anonymous is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks to all of you for the replies. RCN, always a pleasure, Baby Duck, good call on the drama queen factor, now that you mention it, she seems to be a "quiet" drama queen. How's that for an oxymoron?
To the anonymous one, you are right. She probably is trying to keep me in her back pocket for when things go sour with her bf. I don't think it is intentional (trust me, if you knew her, it would make total sense) and it is exactly what her bf is doing to her. It has been rocky with her bf and they were engaged, but she gave back the ring, but for whatever reason she is not willing to give up until the two year mark. I believe it is because she feels like she should be married already, especially since her younger brother just did. As for ethical rejection, maybe this time. Usually, it is work-related. She immerses herself and is on the road a lot. In fact, her boss tells her to take a break, but she refuses to. Then she'll decide to take on a new project that takes up all her free time. This is why it is hard to figure out if she is mad/rejecting or if she is busy. It seems like a lot of her good friends haven't heard from her in a while either too. I think we both know we aren't right for each other in the end, but we can have a good ride.
Tommy, good call on the game factor, since I don't play along. The problem is that the calls go unanswered, so I can't find out for sure and just send out the "feelers."
A
male
reader, Tommy7 +, writes (13 October 2007):
Call her up and ask her. I think she is mad because you refused to play her little game. Maybe it turned out all for the best.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 October 2007): I think you did good not going. Never let anybody make you feel guilty for an intelligent decision you made.
It seems to me like she wanted to use you for something else. To show you off to somebody at the wedding or to make her boyfriend jealous. She is acting like she was looking for something for her own good and don't really care about you.
You have to understand that a lot of people are so dominant they end up hating you if they can't control you the way they want.
Can't you see she is trying to get out of her relationship jumping into your arms so it wouldn't hurt that much? If she really cared about you she'd already given up on that other guy.
I had a similar situation once with the wedding thing. This guy had been out of state for three years and came back. He was invited to a friend's wedding and he 'had' to go but he felt he was going to be the only one of his friends single, unemployed and without a college degree, so he wanted to use me to show off to his friends and to feel secure of himself. I canceled because I didn't find anything to wear (it's true) and he even cried and got mad at me because he felt 'humilliated'. The idiot was acting as if I was responsible for his boring life.
As to for her being very ocuppied with her job and promotion I think that's nothing more than ethical rejection.
It seems like your attraction is mainly physical. I don't think you are in love with this girl because of the way you describe the situation and talk about her. So you'll be fine.
Let's see if she feels lonely after breaking up with his bf and ends up forgetting about the situation and calling you one of these days. Or maybe she'll stay with him because she doesn't feel like she has a safety net with you anymore.
Anyway, do what you profess you do: 'Don't pursue a woman that's taken'.
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A
male
reader, rcn +, writes (13 October 2007):
 I think you had good reason to not go. She may be his sister, but it's not really her place to invite you to his wedding.
Take care.
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