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anonymous
writes:I have been seeing a counsellor for my anger and jealousy problems. I used to get mad at my boyfriend a lot, but because of my counselling, I haven't really got mad at him in the last couple months. I've been real proud of myself. On Tuesday my counsellor said I've been doing good and that I don't have to go anymore. AWESOME, right? Well, last night I decided to try something I haven't done and that was have my boyfriend go out drinking with his friend without me. I haven't been able to do this because of my insecurity, but I figured if I was better then there shouldn't be a fight about this. Well, he left and said he'd be home around 10:30, that's cool I thought, I can handle that. He left at 9:00 to go meet up with him. Well at 9:20 he called because his friend hadn't made it there yet and said that he would be home a little later because his friend was caught in traffic. So I thought about 11:00-11:30. Well, I fell asleep and when I woke up it was about 11:20, so I decided to call him to see when he was coming home. No answer. I tried for a whole hour and he never answered the phone. Finally at 12:30 he answered and I asked if he realized what time it was and he said no, so I told him and he said he'd be home in a little bit. So, I was pretty much pissed off because he was in no hurry to get home and didn't even apologize for not calling or realizing what time it was. Then he calls and said he's almost home, the bar is about a 10 min drive. Well 25 min later he finally got home. I asked him what took him so long, no answer. I was very furious and I yelled because I was hurt and I couldn't believe that he could be so careless towards my feelings knowing that I already have an attitude problem and then he took advantage of the situation. These are supposed to be baby steps for me, not leaps. Was I wrong for getting so mad? I told him if that's how he's going to be, I can't live with him not caring about anyone but himself. Please someone give me some advice and another point of view. I don't know if I was wrong for getting so mad, but he needs to understand I just got done with counselling and I need help still, I can't just not get mad at something like this. I'm very particular about time and making phone calls. These are like my main things and he took advantage of both of them.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 July 2006): mmmm. Actually I have the same problem still.
I personally find it helps if you schedule say a night with your friends at the same time to distract yourself. Part of the problem with your situation is that you had nothing to do but sit at home and stare at the clock.
good luck with that.
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male
reader, Fixer +, writes (9 June 2006):
I totally agree with eddie on this one, great answer.
Despite your opinion that your boyfriend was insensitive to your problem, it is precisely that, YOUR problem.
Try to put yourself in your boyfriends shoes - and look at the situation from his perspective. He has been patient and supportive so far, and has seen you make progress to the point that you no longer consider therapy necessary. Then, you announce that you think you'll be okay with him going to a bar with his friend. If i were him, i'd be thinking "Great, there's light at the end of the tunnel!". He went out, was considerate enough to call you and tell you his friend was going to be late, and therefore he was too. He never said he'd be home at a certain time - that was your assumption. He just got caught up in having a good, healthy time with his friend - where's the harm in that?
I seriously hope you try to look at things from HIS point of view, it might help you in your insecurities, and help you see how unreasonable your reactions can be. It is a good thing that you realise that you are in need of therapy - that's the first step on the road to success. However, from your replies on here it seems that you're a very defensive person - there's no need to be on here, we're all anonymous, you don't have to prove anything. Perhaps part of this problem is the defensive attitude? It's not necessary to be like that, no-one is attacking you here.
Best of luck with it.
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male
reader, eddie  +, writes (2 June 2006):
 You really overreacted. First of all, you had him pinned to a 90 minute timeframe. He did the right thing by calling you to tell you he'd be later because his friend was late. That should have put your inquiring mind at ease. YOU thought he'd then be home at 11-1130. That was YOUR assumptions. You fell asleep and woke up at 11:20, frustrated because he was still away. Your anger was boiling so you called him. You shouldn't have called him. He ALREADY told you he'd be later. So you call him again at 12:30, asking him, like you were his mother, "do you know what time it is" He already knows he's now in trouble. So, he finishes his conversation and drink, and pretends amongst his friends that he's not in trouble and he's READY to go home. You've got the stop watch out, still with anger boiling over because from the last time you talked to him until the time he actually arrived home, it was longer then the 10 minute drive you expected. Again, YOUR expectations. In other words, when you called and scolded him, making him look foolish, he should have left his drink and forget about the conversation he was having when you decided to check up on him and bolted for the door. Do you see how unrealistic and confining this must seem to him. If you continue on this way, you will lose him. It will be to somebody else who is willing to give him some freedom.
Go back to your therapist. Talk a little more. Explain to your boyfriend what happened and apologize. Tell him you started with the best of intentions and it just got a little out of hand for you. The next time he goes out, call a friend and go out yourself.
There will ALWAYS be other women around. You can't change that or control your boyfriend. Do you really want to? Do you really want to run your life and his? That doesn't work for long.
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reader, Yos  +, writes (2 June 2006):
 "How can you guys say that if your partner said they'd be home at a certain time, but they didn't and you called and they didn't answer, that you would be fine with this?"
The reason I gave the advice I did is because I've been in exactly that situation. I have only recently gotten over some very severe jealousy problems towards my girlfriend. This included me going crazy with anger when she was home later than she said she would be several times, after she didn't answer her phone. All the things you are saying I identify with because I myself was saying them a few months ago. Honestly it's like reading my own words.
I know its hard to hear, but you ARE projecting the problem onto him. Everything you are saying is showing this. If you were not jealous then you would have not gotten anywhere near so angry when he was late. You might have gotten irritated, but not really mad. You wouldn't have cared so much. It is YOUR jealousy that triggered the anger, that made your reaction much stronger than it should have been. I have done exactly the same thing. At the time you feel completely reasonable, that your behaviour is justified. Only afterwards, when you see the jealousy for what it really is, do you realise that your behaviour is not justifiable. You can see jealousy as a form of temporary insanity that makes you see the World in a twisted and distorted way. When it takes hold, it makes you see and do things that are not based on reality. And you cannot expect your partner to react to the paranoid fantasy that your jealousy feeds your imagination.
The first step to truly beating jealousy is to admit to yourself that it is 100% your issue, 100% your problem, and 100% your 'fault', and 100% yours to fix. This is a very hard thing to do, your mind will twist and turn trying to divert blame, trying to pin the problems on him. You will feel that you are admitting that it is your problem, but deep down you are still holding onto the resentment you feel towards him.
Don't despair. It is possible to beat jealousy. Go back to see your councillor and tell them what happened, and apologise to your boyfriend and try to find a way to let him go out without conditions or expectations on where he will be and when he will be back. Good luck.
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female
reader, camille  +, writes (2 June 2006):
 It's not about whether 'we' are ok with our partners saying one thing and doing another. It's about levels of normal responses. About realistic boundaries in behaviour. About give & take. You say you think about his considerations all the time, but to me this sounds like what you're really saying is that your life revolves around him and his doings. You need to step away and do your own things. If you think he has to think about your feelings all the time, when will he think about his own? Please go back to counselling or find another therapist, you need to explore the WHY not the WHAT. A cognitive therapist may be better suited to this issue. Good Luck and don't keep thinking that everyone is against you. You asked for advice, but it sounds like what you were looking for was sympathy and everyone to agree with how wrong he was. I think you're missing the point, so don't rush to reply, read the responses and give yourself time to think.
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 June 2006): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionYou see, he did hurt me and that is this whole issue. He didn't even tell me sorry for this. That would've helped a whole bunch too. Maybe he shouldn't be sorry for what he did because he thinks it's ok and obviously you guys do too, and that's fine. I do admit that I'm a jealous person, but I just think for the first time this going on, it could've went alot simpler with him considering how I would feel. I think about his considerations all the time, I'm far from being selfish. This is baby steps for me guys....please remember this! It's the first time he went out by himself and then there could be more. I just need to get used to this and stuff, but it takes time, it don't happen over night just because she said I don't have to attend counselling anymore. I think he should understand that, it sounded like he did before he left, but then when he was gone it was a different story. Nothing that he said seemed to stick with him, he just said all that stuff to pacify before he left and that's not right....I would have liked him to say what he really wanted to do besides what I wanted to hear, that's not how a relationship goes either.
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 June 2006): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionMaybe you guys may be right, maybe you're not. I've been in this relationship for 15 months now, yesterday to be exact. It isn't just about me either. I know I may sound like it, but I wanted him to go out and see his friend. It's not like he never talks to this guy or never sees him. He knew this was a big step for me and he took advantage of it. He goes and sees his friends without me occasionally and that's fine. I don't want to keep him from them, but he can respect my wishes and my feelings when he knows what's going to happen. I could've went with him, but I didn't because I trusted him to do what he said he would do. He didn't do that. He's known me for quite sometime now, about 7 years. It's not like this is all new to him, but I'm TRYING to help myself because I KNOW I have a problem. I'm not denying it. I just think for the first time of this going on and he does this, what the hell. I think that's pretty damn selfish on his own part. I was thinking of him, I didn't want to keep him from going out, but doing whatever he wants without considering my feelings is pretty selfish. Whoever can control this and not care if people do what they say, good for them for not getting mad. He did exactly what he wanted, he just needed to keep what he said true and none of this would be going on. How can you guys say that if your partner said they'd be home at a certain time, but they didn't and you called and they didn't answer, that you would be fine with this? I don't understand. I'm a very sensitive person when it comes to this stuff. If I was in his position I wouldn't mind being home at what time I said or calling to let him know I'm going to be late. That's just respectful to me.
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reader, Yos +, writes (2 June 2006):
You have fallen into one of the classic jealousy traps. Although you are acknowledging that it is your problem, you are still projecting that onto him, making it his fault in the end. For instance you say "He said one thing and did another, which to me, is very disrespectful and careless". You are blaming him with that statement. You are shifting the responsibility onto him.
It is very important that you recognize that this is YOUR issue, not his, and that you do not blame him for your anger and emotions. Yes you are reacting to him, but it is your reaction that you need to understand and control, not him or his actions. This is a crucial step in understanding and dealing with jealousy. You cannot expect him to alter his behaviour, it is for you to alter yours.
I would suggest you start seeing your councillor again. It sounds like they were helping.
In the mean time, you should allow your boyfriend to go out with his friends and without you from time to time. I recommend that when you do this you do NOT set a time. What triggered your anger was the fact that he said he'd be back at a set time, and wasn't. The simplest way to avoid that trigger is to say to him: "have a nice time, come back home whenever you like". Even if he says a time, do not hold him to it. You have to give him carte blanche to stay out as late as he likes. He'll have a better time and you can focus on doing what you want to do rather than focussing on the fact that he's 'late'.
Good luck. Jealousy is a very difficult emotion to deal with. Going to a councillor is a very sensible step.
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female
reader, camille +, writes (2 June 2006):
You are very defensive. I am not saying he's right and I certainly don't let people walk all over me, but I do understand that people are different. Men don't always think the same as woman. Frustrating as that is, I don't know many men who would've done anything too differently to your fella. Maybe he just wanted to catch up with his friend andgot caught up. I'm sure he did not want get a hard time about it. I think you need to ask yourself something, he may not be perfect, he may not have called you up, but do you think he did it deliberately? I bet he didn't intend to upset you. It's the first time so can't you just forgive him? You are still so angry and that's the real issue here. Yes maybe it's a little insensitive but you admitted that he doesn't go out without you. The one time he does you go mad at him. Accept what he did and move on. You can't tell someone what to do, only what you would like. The reason you're annoyed is because he didn't do what you want. He isn't you, so he won't think the same. Just explain to him. You are making a very big deal over something because of course for you, it is a big deal. It was a big step. To him, it isn't as big so of course he's going to react differently. Shouting isn't going to help anyone though. All you need to do is tell him calmly that you'd really appreciate it if in future he would let you know if he's going to be late. That's all. I am sorry but your reply was aggresive too, you say you expect him to treat him with the respect that you treat him, but it doesn't sound like you're respecting him either. Don't misunderstand, I'm not saying that he's in the right, because yes it would have been thoughtful if he'd' called. But don't make it as huge as you have. All your words are saying is "What about me? me me me" and that is sounding a little bit selfish. There should be balance and this relationship does not sounds as if there is any. You live by your rules and that's admirable but if you expect someone to be a certain way, then maybe you expect too much? If you can't see it from both sides then I'm afraid your relationship is doomed (and future ones could go the same way).
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 June 2006): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI do respect his space, but if someone says something to someone, I would expect them to mean it and not just say it to say it. I wouldn't have had a problem if he said he'd be home later or something, but he didn't. I know I'm not his keeper and that he's not a guinea pig, but if I'm going to say I'm going to be home at some certain time, I would or call him and let him know that I wouldn't. If you guys are letting people just tell you one thing and do another, that is your problem. I think I'm better than that. If someone respected me enough, they would care about my feelings and treat me like it. He said one thing and did another, which to me, is very disrespectful and careless. I love him dearly and would like for him to have time on his own, that was what this was all about, but when someone takes advantage of the situation and can't even call me and forget about what he said, that's rude. He knows I have problems and that I'm trying to get over them. Maybe he should help me instead of making things worse. I expect people to treat me with the same respect I would treat them, which he is not doing.
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 June 2006): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI do respect his space, but if someone says something to someone, I would expect them to mean it and not just say it to say it. I wouldn't have had a problem if he said he'd be home later or something, but he didn't. I know I'm not his keeper and that he's not a guinea pig, but if I'm going to say I'm going to be home at some certain time, I would or call him and let him know that I wouldn't. If you guys are letting people just tell you one thing and do another, that is your problem. I think I'm better than that. If someone respected me enough, they would care about my feelings and treat me like it. He said one thing and did another, which to me, is very disrespectful and careless. I love him dearly and would like for him to have time on his own, that was what this was all about, but when someone takes advantage of the situation and can't even call me and forget about what he said, that's rude. He knows I have problems and that I'm trying to get over them. Maybe he should help me instead of making things worse. I expect people to treat me with the same respect I would treat them, which he is not doing.
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 June 2006): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI do respect his space, but if someone says something to someone, I would expect them to mean it and not just say it to say it. I wouldn't have had a problem if he said he'd be home later or something, but he didn't. I know I'm not his keeper and that he's not a guinea pig, but if I'm going to say I'm going to be home at some certain time, I would or call him and let him know that I wouldn't. If you guys are letting people just tell you one thing and do another, that is your problem. I think I'm better than that. If someone respected me enough, they would care about my feelings and treat me like it. He said one thing and did another, which to me, is very disrespectful and careless. I love him dearly and would like for him to have time on his own, that was what this was all about, but when someone takes advantage of the situation and can't even call me and forget about what he said, that's rude. He knows I have problems and that I'm trying to get over them. Maybe he should help me instead of making things worse. I expect people to treat me with the same respect I would treat them, which he is not doing.
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reader, camille +, writes (2 June 2006):
I am so sorry to disagree with DrPete but..... whether he knew or not, give the guy a break! I speak from a very similar experience and thankfully, I overcame the negative feelings and now I am so happy and relaxed. For your sake and his, work hard at it. It can't be easy living with someone who won't let him out on his own.He's not a guinea pig that you can test your fears on. Yes it's a relationship but he deserves his time with friends, away from you etc, time to be himself. After all you are individuals before you are a couple. If you're together I'm assuming he's been supportive throughout your counselling ? It's only been a couple of months and maybe your counsellor is a bit hasty. You're not ready yet. There is nothing more frustrating than calling someone and they don't answer or someone being late but this was his first night out and it would have been good for both of you if you'd just left him alone. No time restrictions, no need to check on him and to just give him his freedom for one night. You HAVE to learn to let him go or you'll never break this chain. You need to do more work with your counsellor about your insecurities. I'd also go to Anger Management classes separately. You are not your boyfriend's keeper and if you expect him to respect your difficulities, you should try and respect his space.
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 June 2006): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionYes, he did know I was going to couselling, yes he does know about my anger problem and insecurity, and yes he did know that this was baby steps for me "testing the water".
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reader, miss nade +, writes (2 June 2006):
 I really don’t think that you should be in a relationship at all. A good relationship is one where the two people in it are able to trust each other enough to let each other have fun apart. Your boyfriend must have thought ‘Freedom! God knows when I am going to get this again I may as well take full advantage!’ That is how I would feel in the same situation. We already as humans have so much of our time spoken for with work, having time restraints on a night out is a bit much really.The whole crux of the matter is that it is your issue, being insecure, why should you make his life miserable because you have problems. You can judge others by yourself, and you can’t demand someone to act in a certain way. Either you love him despite all his faults or you don’t. You can not expect someone to change, to suit you that is just control. If you where a man and acted this way towards a girlfriend it would be deemed abuse.Open the lines of communication with your Boyfriend, in a calm rational way compromise reach some agreement, allocate a night out when he can go out, and have no time restrictions about times or phone calls. Good luck with everythingMiss Nade.
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 June 2006): Does your boyfriend know the background to your worries and problems? Does he know are seeing a counselor? Does he know you "allowing" him out without you to "test the water"
If you answered Yes to any of those questions then why he did what he did makes no sense at all!
Either he does not know you as well as you think he does, or he is just not putting your feelings in to consideration.
To reassure you; I don't think you have over-reacted at all. Not with the circumstances. It is possible he has just been forgetful, but I still can't understand why he didn't take the trouble to keep in contact if he knew how you were feeling.
I think you need to talk about this with your boyfriend without loosing your temper. You need to find out if he understands you, and if he does, why he didn't think of you that night.
I hope you manage to talk to him properly, good luck!:)
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