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female
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anonymous
writes: Do you believe in second chances...?I was with my boyfriend who I loved very much for about a year and half...I found out by chance that he'd slept with someone behind my back. Whilst finding this out it also came to light that he'd been contacting quite a few girls behind my back but I'll never know what went on.I moved out that day and its been over a year since we split up but I can't stop thinking about him and I'm still in love with him. I contacted him recently and he said he felt the same and had learnt his lesson and would do anything to be with me and proove he can be trusted. Do I risk going through this hurt again or do I give him a second chance. He has been single for a year now...maybe he has realised the grass isn't greener on the otherside????
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female
reader, willywombat  +, writes (3 June 2006):
 I think you need to proetect yourself in this situation.
If he had had one *slip up* and you ahd forgiven him and he had never given you cause for concern again then fair enough. BUT, because he was contacting other girls and up to stuff which you ahd to discover for yourself I truely beleive this is not worth the heartache for you.
You see even if this guy IS faithful to you can you see yourslef trusting him? You obviouslt can't or you wouldn't be asking this question on here. Can you imagine how you will feel each time he is late back from a night out, or when you cannot raise him by phone, or when he disapears when you have had a row? You will instantly torture yourself with thoughts of what he is *up to*. And that is even if he is behaving himself. AND should he do it again you will lose faith in your own ability to judge others honesty.
I wouldn't go there. But this is my opinion thats all and I wish you luck in forming yours.
Good luck honey.
xxx
A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 June 2006):
You need to address *why* he cheated on you.
Him saying "I've learnt my lesson" is not something I would trust for a minute.
You need to find out why he did it. Was it because he just didn't love you? Or was it because he simply had the opportunity, and took it? Or was it that he is insecure, and liked the attention?
You have to find out the reason why he cheated - the reason makes all the difference.
Once you know the reason, you can find out whether or not that reason can still apply again, in the future.
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A
male
reader, Lostandalone  +, writes (2 June 2006):
 I get tired of singing this same song but there is actually good advice in here. I feel like if you cant forgive someone than why should anyone forgive you, because you are not mistake free. The thing is can you live with that. I agree with Camille. I think you are looking for confirmation. If you love him and want to go for it I say go but make sure its for the right reasons. Be careful and take it slow. If its love it will keep. Good Luck.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 June 2006): I do believe in second chances but a good dose of reality and discrimination on your part is needed to discern a man who would be good for your life. It appears that you had loved a man who you really didn’t know very well and you have some fears and concerns. I don't blame you. Before you make any decision, you need to ask what is it about you, that makes you 'still' love a man who has hurt you so deeply? What is it that has made you unable to heal and recover from him, in a year? Many women would not give a guy like this-the time of day.
But I have a feeling you want him back. If you do-then make him 'earn his way back'. Trust is foundational and he has a lot of work to do. He earns that trust back through loving and respectful behaviours..it's done in baby steps. The best thing you can do make it clear that what he did to you, was a major event for you and caused you deep pain. Make him aware of the costs of his behaviors. Do this calmly and clearly but set some tough boundries. Let him know what will happen if he does it again. and follow through if it does happen again. Then drop the subject and never bring up the past again. Instead, quietly sit back watch what happens. But don't be in a rush to hand your heart over to someone who burnt you once. If I were you, I would proceed...but very, very cautiously.
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A
female
reader, Anja +, writes (2 June 2006):
 Oooh tricky one this. A lot of trust was broken when you were last together. Maybe he has grown up a little in the last year and realised he made a mistake. One thing to bear in mind though is if you do go back with him, you'll have to completely forgive and forget what happened, otherwise if you hold close to you the things he did then you will be the one creating ripples in the relationship. He may have had insecurity problems, talk to him and find out why he did what he did, it is worth trying to get it out of him the reasons. There is no gaurantee that he won't cheat on you again, are you strong enough to try and trust him again? Take things really slow, do not have any physical reltions with him if you can for a good 3 months or more! If you really want to be with someone again who broke your heart once, then go for it, if you really feel you can't live without that person...!
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A
female
reader, Anja +, writes (2 June 2006):
Oooh tricky one this. A lot of trust was broken when you were last together. Maybe he has grown up a little in the last year and realised he made a mistake. One thing to bear in mind though is if you do go back with him, you'll have to completely forgive and forget what happened, otherwise if you hold close to you the things he did then you will be the one creating ripples in the relationship. He may have had insecurity problems, talk to him and find out why he did what he did, it is worth trying to get it out of him the reasons. There is no gaurantee that he won't cheat on you again, are you strong enough to try and trust him again? Take things really slow, do not have any physical reltions with him if you can for a good 3 months or more! If you really want to be with someone again who broke your heart once, then go for it, if you really feel you can't live without that person...!
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A
female
reader, camille +, writes (2 June 2006):
 It's so easy to say 'once a cheater, always a cheater' and a 'leopard can't change its spots' but it really is something you have to decide; follow your gut feeling. I would guess you may be here asking because you want someone to confirm that it's ok to take him back. I do belive in second chances, but not third, fourth etc Make sure if he's going to be back in your life that you can handle what happened and move forward. If it's always going to be an issue or you bring it up during rows then there's no point trying again. Only do it if you are ok with the past and ready to trust him again.
For what it's worth, I believe if someone has cheated on you, they could again yes (but anyone else could too) but they may think twice knowing that their partner has found them out once. Also question why you want him back, is it better the devil you know? Are you lonely? Or do you truly love him? It's a risk whoever you end up with that the relationship may not work out for one reason or another. Take each day as it comes and enjoy it while it lasts...who knows that could be forever.
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A
female
reader, sasha93 +, writes (2 June 2006):
 well this is a hard one as thers too sides to every story. with one side he may of lernt his lesson and be totally faithfull for the rest of your lives ect ect but with the other side he hasnt contacted you in a year if he was so bothered he would of tried before and could just be using you. its up to you if your going to take the risk again of being hurt.
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