A
female
age
,
*ittynora
writes:Today me my husband and my severly disabled son when into a fish a chip shop restaurant. My son got hold of one of those small squeeezy packets of sauce, (he can grab at people and throw things so we always try to sit well away from people. )We were sitting about three feet away from these four women. My son squeezed this red sauce and it when flying through the air onto this womans cashmere sweater. I immediately apologised profusely she shouted at me saying “ I know what………………and she stopped and I said you know what??????? I think she was going to say something about my son. I said look I am so sorry and I gave her £20 to get her sweater dry cleaned. She carried on hopping about saying its cashmere, its cashmere, its everywhere, she ran off into the toilet and then came out saying you should have been watching him I said I did ot realise he had the sauce in his hand. I am sorry I offered the the £20 again, and she carried on so I said “oh shut up you silly old trout.” She then walked out. I feel awful now. Can you wash cashmere?
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female
reader, Nittynora +, writes (3 January 2017):
Nittynora is verified as being by the original poster of the question My mother in law does NOT hate me. I also do not have a short fuse.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 December 2016): You poor love, I'm so sorry this has happened. I wish I could help you more, but I'm glad that what I've said has maybe helped a little. I too, was very surprised by the answers and wonder what the world is coming to, when you can't overlook money, in favour of compassion. I KNOW that if something like that had happened to me, that I would care more about the person, than a @@@@ing jumper. Not one single one of us is perfect and you sound as if you have a lot more to contend with than most. I want to give you a BIG HUG and I wouldn't care if you got tomato sauce on me in the process.
You sound like a lovely Mum too :-)
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A
female
reader, Nittynora +, writes (29 December 2016):
Nittynora is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you female reader anonymous. Whereas yes I was in the wrong for calling this woman an old trout I have been astounded by the replies from people who are supposed to be caring and understanding. I was very frazzled and we try our best. I am a considerate person usually. At the moment many people have given up on my son, the school say they cannot cope.His respite care have said he cannot attend anymore. The transport are refusing to take him. My husband says he cannot cope ( which I understand). So I have to let my beautiful son go into residential care. I waited so long for him. I waited so long for a baby. So that day its was another thing that went wrong another person against him. I was protecting him in my own way. No-one knows how it feels to have to let me son go into residential care I feel as though I have failed. Thank you anonymous for being so understanding. Some of the answers have been very hurtful and distressing, really stuck the boot in. I am not a bad person. Funnily enough I saw the same lady a about an hour later in the charity shops.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 December 2016): I am the anon who agreed with you. I mentioned it to my sister and asked her what she thought. The first thing she said was 'Since when did THINGS become more important than people?' and 'How do they all know what it's like looking after a severely disabled child?' and 'Are they all perfect and never drop the ball?' I'm so glad she said this because I was beginning to think I was the only person who would care more about a frazzled mother looking after a challenging son, who was very apologetic than I would a jumper. HOWEVER much it cost. And quite honestly? If I was rich enough to be able to wear cashmere, THERE'S NO WAY IN THE WORLD would I wear it to a fish and chip shop. She could SO easily have done the very same thing to it herself. If I was there and she had behaved like that I would have done exactly the same as you and I honestly think SHE should feel absolutely terrible.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 December 2016): I think you're casting blame unfairly here.The lady was out for HER christmas Eve too. Not only did the incident mean that she has to factor dry cleaning into her Christmas holiday, AND the jumper will anyway probably be permanently ruined, but her Christmas Eve outing was ALSO ruined. THAT isn't 'material' and she can't get that back.You acknowledge that you were categorically wrong BOTH to let the incident happen in the first place and also wrong to insult the lady. But yet a moment later you're seething about people's helpful replies on here? Your anger is rapidly escalating in perhaps a similar manner that it did to the poor lady who's Christmas eve you ruined.You CAN'T continue to unfairly verbally attack people. It's not fair to those who happen to cross your path, or even to eat in the same restaurant as you, and it's not fair to your son who has to see it. I really think that you need to talk to your professional assistance about YOU before anyone else suffers at the sharp edge of your tongue.
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A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts +, writes (27 December 2016):
 The thing is, you now need to let it go. No, you shouldn't have called her names and should avoid that in the future, but you did all you could to rectify the situation. Let it go and move on.
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A
female
reader, Nittynora +, writes (27 December 2016):
Nittynora is verified as being by the original poster of the questionOh for goodness sake of course I have seen a therapist my son is 14 of course we have professional assistance, my son HAS to go into residential care soon, because the school, the transport and his respite care cannot cope with him. Because his issues are too serious and they cannot put him on any more medication, and he is aggressive. We dont want this to happen it was just a family Christmas eve outing and guess what he wasn't accepted again. I did offer professional cleaning and offered her my address to contact me to replace the jumper. Yes I did think she was going to say something about my son and yes it did escalate the situation. Bloody hell there are more important things in life than THINGS, things can be replaced people cant. My mother is law said what a load of rubbish, she has spilt all sorts on her cashmere jumpers and she just handwashes them in woolite or hair shampoo, no problem. And yes I do have a very BIG chip on my shoulder I have grown that chip to protect my very vulnerable son.!
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A
female
reader, fishdish  +, writes (27 December 2016):
 I don't think it was an especially polite or mature response but there's only so much you can do-the damage was done, you apologized and tried to make her whole. Any reaction she has beyond that you probably should have just let go-it's her problem at that point.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (26 December 2016): It is beginning to look like you have a chip on your shoulder and I can appreciate why. Your perception of what you thought she would say made you defensive and probably escalated the situation. At the end of the day your responsibility is to put her in a position where she was before you met. Therefore I would have offered professional cleaning and of the stain remained, replace the jumper
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A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts +, writes (26 December 2016):
Please calm down. I know this upset you, but you need to let go and move on. Please seek therapy for the struggle you face looking after your son, as well as your husband seeking it. Have you arranged professional assistance yet? If not, it's a good idea to start, even if you don't put him in residential care, as you're clearly acting resentful and frustrated - understandable, but needs to be handled with a therapist.
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A
female
reader, Nittynora +, writes (26 December 2016):
Nittynora is verified as being by the original poster of the questionNO you are wrong anonymous I felt that she was going to say something about my son NOT call me a name. Thinking about it I COULD have called her a lot worse but I did not. How do you know what sort of CRAP day I had, had? you do not. I offered her my address and I offered her money and she was hopping about. It was an unfortunate incident and I challenge ANY of you on here to look after a special needs child if that's the worst thing I have done in 14 years is taken my eye of the ball and my son got a sauce packet, well lock me up in jail then!!!!!!!!!!!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 December 2016): Something I noticed is that the cashmere lady NEVER called you a name. Your feel she came close at one point, but she stopped herself. You should have shown the same manners and held back. Fine to tell her you are sorry and you hope that in time she can forgive this incident and put it in perspective. Not fine to call her an old trout when she had the crap day.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (25 December 2016): Calling her a silly trout in a fish shop was not appropriate but we all blow our top at times. Nobody is infallable.Especially when you have a challenging child in you hand.I tell you a story. I used to work part time in restaurants in my university years in the UK. and do you know how many incidents of a waiter tripping and tipping a plateful of food on the customers in the restaurants? it does happen now and again.I especially remember once we had a very important gentleman in our restaurant and our boss on such occasions insisted on waiting on the custumer himself personally. On this occasion he was doing the same and was doing an excellent job till the minute he wanted to serve an irish coffee to the gentleman. The cup slipped out of his hand as he was placing it on the table. The gentleman was socked with coffee,cream and whisky. His shirt tie and pants all. Everyone had laugh. No quarrel. Just a very embarrassed boss. Soon it was forgotten.Please do the same.
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A
female
reader, Nittynora +, writes (25 December 2016):
Nittynora is verified as being by the original poster of the questionYes you are right Cindy cares I did take my eye of the ball for a few seconds and that’s all it needs I guess. My son is 14 and has the mental age of one, I am usually so good at watching him and preventing danger. I have had to be, me and his dad haven’t got him to the age of 14 SAFELY without really having to be not 10 but 20 steps ahead of him. He is two to one that means he has to have two people with him at all times, but on this occasion, I did not see that he had the sauce pack in his hand. I did make an effort to deliberately sit as far away from people as possible. That was ever since he threw a new potato and it hit a balding man on his head, a few years ago;) Also he cannot speak so he doesn’t understand. People do look and they sometimes have the attitude that he should not be let out into the community. But I will not isolate my son, he has a much right to go out as anyone of us do. We usually do very well, and I am fiercely proud of how far myself and my husband have come. Many could not do what we have done, so I do get angry with myself when my eye goes off that ball. On recall I did say to the lady I will give you my address and if its anymore you can bill me. But she was waving her hands about etc. her friend gave me my £20 back when she walked out without it. I said “No she must have it”, she said “no you keep it.” No I shouldn’t have called her an old Trout but I was so stressed at the time, it is very stressful. Next time I must keep my eye on that ball and the sauce packets in fact no sauce. I really wanted to offer her more but couldn’t afford it at the time. I do feel awful for the woman and really do wish I had insisted on giving her my address. Thanks for all your answers.
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A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts +, writes (25 December 2016):
I think it's always a bad idea to call people names. To us, she overreacted, but the jumper could have been really important to her. It will have been very expensive and sauce stains. It could have been an early Christmas gift from someone close to her that she doesn't get to see often. It could have been given to her by someone who has since passed away and she treasures it.
There are lots of reasons behind the ways people react to situations. Have you been able to start seeking professional help with your son?
Please avoid insulting people in the future. I know it's hard when they're judging you and venting, but you don't know why they're doing that and you want to teach your son that name calling isn't okay.
Merry Christmas/Happy Holidays.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (25 December 2016):
 Poor cashmere lady :)- Maybe it is not PC, but I can't help seeing ALSO where she is coming from.
Here we say " cornuto e mazziato ". I.E: " ( The husband was ) cuckolded AND then beaten up ".
This lady gets a substantial monetary damage ( yes, ketchup on cashmere will leave a stain or a halo even with dry cleaning- and a true cashmere sweater costs a few hundreds quids ) - and then she also gets insulted ( although , calling somebody " trout " in a fish restaurant, sounds very fitting, I must say :)
Yes, maybe she did not handle the situation with utter grace and diplomatic aplomb, but, come on- the damage is relevant, we are not talking about a run in her nylon pantyhose , it's normal she got upset - and, she has a good point: you could, and should , have avoided that .
" These things happen ", up to a point. Meaning, perhaps I may foresee that the person sitting next to me may spill something over me , but I surely never go into a restaurant expecting to be pelted with sauce from several tables of distance- which is an evenience which can be avoided.
It's obvious that unluckily your son's condition creates some challenges and problems in social situations, and that's nobody's fault, but , at the end of the day , these are the same challenges and problems faced all the time by parents of healthy but very young kids. Toddlers are prone to play with whatever they have in front of them, and have a fascination with dirty, sticky stuff, .. so, first thing one does when bringing a toddler in a restaurant is all the ketchup, mustard, mayo etc. packages get taken OFF the table, right away . Ditto , olive oil or anything that can make an unmanageable mess. In certain situations, parents have to think strategically- preventing is better than curing. And, they have to have an extra pair of eyes, in the back of their head so to speak, to make sure that the dining experience does not end in tears - for them, AND / or for some innocent cashmere wearing lady.
Not exactly relaxing, I agree - but, it is what it is. ( Well, actually some parents do not give a fart about showing consideration to the other customers and will let their kids run around, throw food, spill stuff, upturn chairs etc. etc. but clearly from what you write this is not your case ).
Anyway, although I understand that you are defensive of your " cub " like any Mom would be , and maybe a little bit more, and although the cashmere lady could perhaps have been nicer and more understanding- no sorry, I think it is very wrong to call her names. I have no idea how offensive it is to call somebody a "trout", but I am sure that calling " silly " a perfect stranger , and not in a joking way ( " oh you silly little goose ... " ) IS intentionally offensive and uncalled for .Two wrongs do not make a right, so, even if you think your patience is being tried, or you are not shown the courtesy you would like... next time please be the better person, and do not call names.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (25 December 2016): Well you don't know her circumstances either. Your offer of 20 pounds might not make up for a 200 pound jumper. It may have been the first day wearing it, and she may have perceived that you were 'lazy' in your control of your child. Who knows. Fact is that you can't really know. Calling someone a name doesn't help and the 20 pound offer may seem pitiful. No one has filled themselves with glory here
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A
female
reader, Ivyblue  +, writes (25 December 2016):
 "Silly old trout", so wish I was there to see and hear that. Sorry but I cant help but giggle. A whole lot better than telling her to "F" off. This could of happened to ANYONE, young, old, or disabled. Accidents happen. She should be thankful you offered to pay for the cleaning, a lot of people wouldn't have bothered. I do hope you had the $20 when you walked out.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 December 2016): Well it wasn't exactly the most charitable thing to tell her. In your defence you did apologize profusely, and she kept on with her rage. I probably would've offered at least £30, and maybe explained your son has a disability.
I wouldn't beat yourself up too much. Live and learn. Next time turn the other cheek.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 December 2016): Yes it was unfortunate, but these things can happen. You couldn't help what happened, you were truly sorry and did what you could to remedy the situation. If she had any grace, she would have realised the situation you are in, that's it's no-one's fault and that there are more important things in the world. I would have been unhappy if it was me, but I would not have let you seen my disappointment as I wouldn't want you to feel any worse than you obviously already did. I'm inclined to agree with you, because after doing all you could, she was still kicking off, so I think what you called her was spot on :-) If I ever behaved as she did, I would be thoroughly ashamed of myself. Silly out trout. She should feel awful x
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim +, writes (24 December 2016):
 It was an unfortunate thing to have happen, I find tomato based stains really difficult to remove ... and cashmere, its not something I own because it is so darned expensive.
Most people opt for dry cleaning for cashmere, but it can be carefully hand washed, like wool, but I suspect if the sweater was a light colour it will never be the same again which, while not excusing her anger, probably goes some way to accounting for it.
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A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts +, writes (24 December 2016):
She should have been more understanding, but I think you need to learn to keep your cool better. These accidents happen, you apologised and gave money for dry cleaning (but that probably stained permanently), but you mustn't call people names - you're old enough to know better.
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