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female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes: My boyfriend of four years did not give me a Christmas present this year. Should I be upset? Because I am.Should I say something to him?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 December 2016): Hi Honeypie. It's the OP. Yes, it is his personality. He is not a spender at all. He likes to save his money. He prefers we save up for trips and do not spend money elsewhere. He feels spending is frivolous. He says I do not need to buy a different dress for every time we go out. He is definitely the economical type. Always has been this way. When he has gone away on business trips several times, he has brought me something back but there have been a couple of trips where be brought me nothing.It is not a pattern per se. He does and he doesn't, if that makes any sense. So for him to bring me anything at all, is quite major for him.He told me to return his present and keep the money so that we can put it towards our next trip together. We do travel.He told me this year he did not have money to spend. That was his reasoning. I think he was of the thought that he had bought me an elaborate birthday present and therefore I would not be expecting another gift. But I called him out on it. I did not ignore it. Perhaps he was expecting me not to say anything? Last year on my birthday he was overseas on business and did not buy me a birthday gift but he did buy me a gorgeous crystal bracelet for Christmas.He recently purchased a dance lesson membership for me just last week. So, that was quite generous. And he offered to take me to an animal sanctuary knowing how much I love animals. He thought it would cheer me up because I have been having some stress lately. He looked up the place and where it is and planned to take me but their visiting hours resume in January. So, he has been thoughtful. I think I should not be too hard on him. But I have to admit, I was a little disappointed.And Honeypie, that is an interesting statement about his trying to control me and wanting me to feel insecure. I can't imagine WHY any man would want his girlfriend to feel insecure on purpose? You would think they want you to feel valued and cared for. Not sure why he would try to do that???
A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (27 December 2016):
 I agree with Cindy,
He is a cheapskate. He could have gotten you a gift card to a store or coffee shop, or gone and bought a basket of bath goodies (those are ALWAYS on sale somewhere and can look very expensive even though they aren't). He could have ASKED you if he wasn't sure.
NOT buying ANYTHING makes me think he didn't WANT to buy you anything, he didn't WANT to put in the EFFORT of getting you something. Even IF he had said that the dinner and necklace was a "dual" present - as in you got a bigger gift on your birthday because he combine what he planned on spending on Christmas and your birthday in you, HE could still have gotten you some Godiva Chocolates, a special ornament for the tree or SOMETHING. Just a little thing to LET her know he thought of her and got her this "trinket".
Does this "cheapskate" personality go across his personality? Does he rather not go out occasionally because it's cheaper to cook at home? (we ALL know it is, but that doesn't mean going out for a decent dinner isn't NICE)
I think the "I didn't know what to get you" is a piss-poor excuse and honestly? I wouldn't have let it go at that. I know we (my husband and myself ) have had years where the finances weren't that great and presents weren't huge, but we STILL got each other something. The kids always come/came first. This year I had saved up some money so I could spoil HIM (the kids were already taken care of) and it was nice!
Does it mean that this ONE incident is a dealbreaker? That is up to you. If this is NOT an isolated incident it shows a pattern and honestly? not a pretty one.
Sounds to me like you are disappointed and I think you need to be honest about that and let him explain (and no, "I didn't know what to get you" is not a good excuse).
I don't know his all around personality, but for some this could be a tactic as well. A way to control you. Make you feel insecure.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (27 December 2016):
 Yeah, he is a cheapskate :). He did not know what to buy you ? Bullshit ! That's what they have invented gift certificates for. A nice gift certificate from a department store, redeemable within a year, would have solved his quandary. Or , he could have simply asked you " What would you like for Christmas "!
I think what happened is that , since he made an effort, or, in his eyes , he went all out for your birthday ( dinner and expensivish gift ), either he assumed that this was going to cover Xmas as well, and that you realized it and could not possibly expect another gift... or else he did imagine that you could possibly expect another gift , but he tried to get away with not buying one , counting that bringing this subject up was going to be too embarassing for you.
Now, I would not say that this isolated accident warrants to break op over it. Well, actually to be honest, as for myself, I could not picture myself with a tightwad to begin with- it is a nasty flaw in my eyes, and I have noticed how very often people who is stingy with their money are also stingy with their time, attentions and affections.... but , maybe stinginess does not bother you as much , and if you have willingly and, I presume, happily spent the last 3 years with a guy whom you know is cheap, then it means that you are equipped to deal with it , and/or that the good outweighs the bad anyway in your relationship.
I'd simply give him his Xmas gift ( you have already bought it anyway , and it is sitting useless in its gift bag ) and tell him " You can take me out to dinner at X place next week, and we'll consider that my X mas gift. Because, ....as I am sure you have noticed by now,after 3 years .... I really love and I really care about celebrating properly both dates, my birthday and Christmas ".
Anyway OP- to cheer you up : years ago I made friends with a lady whose birthday was ON Dec. 25 th , and by the way she was a rich, RICH woman who wanted for absolutely nothing. She invited me over for a little house party the evening of the 24 th, and I showed up with two little presents, a scented candle as a Xmas present, and another inexpensive little something, in a separate gift bag , for her birthday. She had tears in her eyes - I kid you not- because it was the first time since childhood that someone was giving her a "proper", separate birthday present.
So , all you late Sagittarians / early Capricorns- you know what to do : next reincarnation, choose to be born in the summer ! :)
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female
reader, Andie's Thoughts  +, writes (27 December 2016):
 OP means Original Poster, Anon.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (27 December 2016): What does OP stand for?
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female
reader, like I see it +, writes (27 December 2016):
 I think the added context helps a bit - if he's usually cheap by nature, a nice meal out and fancy silver necklace is probably him going "all out" (to him anyway) and maybe he felt you wouldn't expect another material display of affection so soon afterwards. It definitely wouldn't be the first time that someone with a birthday close to Christmas has been given something with the expectation that it would "count" for both occasions. Happens to a relative of mine all the time. I know this person hates it, so I always make sure to acknowledge both occasions, but a lot of our family members forget (or choose not) to buy two separate gifts in the same month. Maybe not fair, but it happens.
Since you didn't end up giving him a gift either he may have a hard time seeing what all the fuss was about. In your shoes I'd have given it anyway, to make a point, and you still can. Tell him you feel awkward over the lopsided gift "exchange" but you did in fact get him something and would rather not see it go to waste - unless of course you'd rather return it and keep the money, which you'd also be justified in doing. But right now on his end it probably looks like you're hurt by not having been given a gift while seemingly not having gotten him one either, and that will most likely be more confusing to him than anything.
Breaking up over this seems a bit dramatic if your relationship is solid otherwise, but that decision is entirely yours to make. If you have had a tough year as a couple or a series of ongoing issues in your relationship, it would make more sense that something like this might be the last straw for you.
Wishing you all the best, whatever you decide.
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female
reader, Andie's Thoughts +, writes (26 December 2016):
To be fair, your birthday and Christmas are so close together that he may not have had any money left, after a necklace that was probably quite expensive.
Maybe establish with him that you'd rather just go out for a picnic or something cheap, if he doesn't know what present to get you.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 December 2016): It's the OP.I said to him today that I thought we were exchanging Christmas presents. We have done so every year. I told him I had a present for him. He said he didn't know what to get me. Really? Hmmmm. It was my birthday on December 1st and he took me for dinner and got me this beautiful sterling silver necklace with a double heart and pearl. Maybe he felt because he got me the birthday gift that he did not have to dish out another gift? If anything, he can be pretty cheap. But in my thinking a birthday and Christmas are two separate occasions. I did not give him his gift. It's sitting at home in a gift bag. I am not materialistic at all. Even a thought would have been nice. Didn't have to cost money. I just feel taken for granted and like he doesn't care about me. I've been a really great girlfriend to him too. I am sad and upset at him. I have had a few friends tell me to break up with him for doing something so mean. I am not sure what to do now. It's been a terrible Christmas, thanks to him.
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female
reader, like I see it +, writes (26 December 2016):
Thanks for the update, OP. Sorry to hear your partner dropped the ball. I don't necessarily think you're wrong to be upset, but I'd be curious as to what discussion if any happened between you two about Christmas this year. Has he observed the past three Christmases you two have been a couple? Did you discuss what you were hoping for this year? Has anything changed in his financial situation that you're aware of (or could something have changed without your knowledge)?
On its face it seems extremely rude of him to fail entirely to acknowledge Christmas if you both have exchanged gifts in the past - surely he could have made you a heartfelt card at least if money is tight - but there may be mitigating circumstances here. I mean, I doubt he forgot the holiday entirely, so SOMETHING is behind his decision to do things differently this year. Maybe inquire gently as to what that something is?
Hope this helps you. Best wishes!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 December 2016): Merry Christmas Start with improved communication with your SO.There may be reasons which we can't guess.Christmas is about much more than gifts however if its something you've both always done, then are his circumstances the same?When I first started dating my SO he also didn't get me any gifts on significant days. On Valentine's this was too much for me so I spoke up about each of the dates, what they meant to me if not for him and you know what happened?There were times he may not have had much but he always found a way to make it special for me too. He had not grown up with it. I did. He learnt and he surpassed my gift giving. Our last Valentine's we both spoilt each other equally and it warmed my heart. Christmas too. Not expensive but thoughtful practical special gifts. Speak to your man :)
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female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (26 December 2016):
 Did you give him a present?
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female
reader, Andie's Thoughts +, writes (26 December 2016):
Okay, but what happened? What was his explanation?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 December 2016): Me and my partner decided on "no presents for each other" this year. So I did not buy him anything and he did not buy me anything. Until Christmas morning when he brings out a pile of gifts for me. I got him nothing :-( !
Trust me, That is an even worse feeling!!
Maybe he is testing you , maybe he has something planned. Or perhaps he wants to see of you care about material possessions, either way I don't think it's anything to get too upset about, think of all the people who are alone and lonely on Christmas Day , with no friends or family surrounding them.
The care and affection from your boyfriend should be enough.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 December 2016): What was his reason for not getting you a present?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 December 2016): Hi, it's the OP.No, I did not get a present.
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female
reader, Andie's Thoughts +, writes (26 December 2016):
Did you get a present? What has happened?
Honestly, not getting a present sucks a little, but I'd trade a bought present from my boyfriend to have him out of the hospital (he's been in since the 21st). We make our presents, so I wouldn't necessarily swap one of those, but I'd swap something that was bought.
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female
reader, like I see it +, writes (25 December 2016):
I agree with the others - unless you celebrate Christmas on a different day than most, it's a bit early to assume that he hasn't gotten you anything. See what happens tomorrow and keep us posted. Best wishes!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 December 2016): 4 years...are you sure he isn't about to give you an engagement ring as the present?
If not, yes I would be very upset. The fact that he didn't bother getting you anything shows me that he is selfish and cheap. He will probably argue that it is you who is being materialistic by complaining. I would say he is the materialistic one, because he would rather keep all his money rather than having a spirit of generosity and realizing money is only good for passing on good will and joy to others :)
I think he is like scrooge.
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reader, anonymous, writes (24 December 2016): It's not Christmas Day yet, and how do you know for sure he didn't get you anything? You should have saved your post for the day after Christmas; then it would have made sense.
He may be very good at intercepting your snooping. I kept my boyfriend's presents in the trunk of my car. I will tiptoe out to the car and put them under the tree tonight. All my presents are already under the tree, I like the element of surprise. Maybe your boyfriend decided he'd try that too!
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female
reader, Eagle'sfan1986 +, writes (24 December 2016):
Being with your bf is more important than receiving gifts from him. You two can cuddle by a nice fire listen to Christmas music and tell each other how much you both love one another. My bf lives in Canada so I won't be receiving gifts from him at all just romantic emails from him.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 December 2016): I don't feel like a gift actually matters. He may not be into Christmas like you are. Maybe he felt obligated to get u a gift prior years. As long as you are spending quality time on Christmas that is all that matters. Society tells us the gift matters but it doesn't. It is meaningless.
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female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (24 December 2016):
Unless the statement: "You don't have to get me anything this year" have been uttered, I'd be a little upset too. For me though Christmas is mostly about the kids, good food, and good company. Still, a little something under the tree is nice.
Depending on what day you share presents normally (25th for UK and US) 24th for Nordic countries and most of Europe (as far as I know) - I'd see if he might have hidden it well and is waiting to surprise you.
If he on the 25th still haven't gotten you one, when YOU give him yours, I'd tell him that you feel a bit disappointed.
Some people set a limit for the price of presents, some decide NO presents and some just follow their own intuition as to how much to spend and what to get.
For him to have decided to give you nothing seems odd.
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A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts +, writes (24 December 2016):
It's not Christmas Day yet. Also, some presents can't be wrapped or haven't been wrapped yet.
If he hasn't tomorrow, then consider asking. Be patient.
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