A
female
age
41-50,
*rench_dimple
writes:Hi everyone, I was on here recently discussing an issue I was having with my boyfriend of six months. He doesn't like to spend time with my family and friends, and said he doesn't want to. http://www.dearcupid.org/question/how-can-we-compromise-on-our-introvert-extrovert.htmlSince I wrote, I was very uncertain about our relationship. Then I thought I may have been pregnant and when we discussed it he said that the only answer would be for me to have an abortion. He said that he is unsure if he ever wants children, and that he would resent a child if he'd had one now. I appreciate and respect his opinon and I am pro-choice. However, in this situation I began to realise that abortion would not be for me. The idea of it started to upset me greatly and I feel that I would be able to raise a child or give it up for adoption if I couldn't support it. I was upset about the way he would not budge on the issue, and there seemed to be no midway point for discussion. I broke up with him because we seemed to have different values and ideas about the future... he is an amazing man, but ultimately there are so many differences between us. In my heart I know it's not right. However, when I speak with him all this goes out the window - it's as if I'm captivated by his logic to the point where I start to see all my opinions as stupid in comparison to him. He's very logical and smart and my emotions seem invalid next to that. How do I know if it was right to break up with him? I'm confused...
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female
reader, french_dimple +, writes (30 September 2009):
french_dimple is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi everyone, thanks so much for the advice! I must say that I am NOT pregnant... I didn't make that clear enough in the post.
I waver between thinking the break-up is right for me in the long run and then wondering what on earth is wrong with me and why I did it.
I just need to give it time. I went to see my boyfriend, ex I suppose, today and get my things back. It was very sad because we had such an amazing time together. In the end, I suppose I wish that both of us could have compromised more. Maybe time apart will allow us to realise what we feel for each other and what our time together could bring in the future....
I do really want children as part of my future, I'm scared that if we stay together he will never want them... I know it's too much pressure for a 24-year-old man though, so I realise, I think, that my wants might be too great.
Sometimes I get so confused about what is 'acceptable' to me and what is 'unacceptable' about things. I want us to work on everything but he said 'no' to a lot of my requests for compromise. So I'm not sure whether I'm asking too much and he's justified or whether he is not bending enough.
I'm really glad to have gotten your opinions on this issue.
A
male
reader, Candleman  +, writes (30 September 2009):
 I read all the previous post and this current one. It seems this last issue touches on the ultimate breaking point you could have in this relationship. Back to the previous post.... Now as far as this guy not being the social butterfly and extreme family person. If these compromises are in place then all is well...You- understand he wants to be at home, you allow him to do so most of the time and not bitch at him for it.Him- at least makes an effort to go to some of the family functions and an occaisional friend thing here and there and be civil when doing it.The key is that when you two spend your time together it is good. You two seem like you could easily make these compromises and from what you've said, your time together is something very good. So with this, you two have a tremendous possibility. The fatal flaw could be you two having a family. I can tell that having a family is something that is very important to you. I don't think you can compromise this. You will be too unhappy in life and it will bug you to no end if you are never a mom. If he can not commit to this, then I say you leave because it will destroy you. You can not compromise something this important to you. This becomes the ultimate sacrifice on his behalf and if he does have the child, then you will have to realize that he will probably be the same type of person and not get as involved with the kids social life or life as much as you would prefer. Realize too that he would probably need more time away or he'll go completely bonkers as I can only imagine what goes through his mind thinking of having a kid around all the time. You can never tell how a man is going to react and if one thing can change a bloke, it is his child staring him in the face. However, you can't go forward expecting him to have this dramatic change if he is a father. If you can accept that he will probably be lacking in your eyes as far as being involved in your child's life, then you will be ok. So with this current issue...You should have been on the pill or something because a family is something that you two were not planning. I know... shit happens. The pregnancy scare has exposed this dramatic difference between you two. Understand that his and your reactions are based on dramatic news that strikes at the core of the primary issue of whether you two are compatable. I would stop worrying about what happened in the past and focus more on what this means for the future. If this man can never see a time when he wants to have children, then again, you should leave him. There's not enough logic in the world that can take away the feeling you will get hearing your child calling you Mum. And, if you never hear it, no logic in the world will fill this void. I wish you the best
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A
male
reader, HiFreq +, writes (30 September 2009):
You don't say wether you actually were pregnant or not, so advice is tricky. Either way, for a man to insist on an abortion when it is something you don't want is entirely unreasonable; pro-choice or not. I too am pro-choice, yet terminating a pregnancy is a tough choice to make and one from which there is no return. Adoption is surely a better option if you are unable to cope om your own?Being captivated by anothers' logic is understandable - some people have a way with words which makes their argument compelling, but just because you are unable to verbalise your feelings as eloquently as your ex doesn't mean that your feelings are in any way inferior or of less worth; it just means he has a better vocabulary - not a better position.If you want me to tell you why you were right to break up with him, I'd say that any relationship is based on constant and consistent negotiation and re-negotiation; how can a relationship be maintained when one partner is unwilling to even consider the notion of another option or opinion? Any relationship is a two way thing. You need to be able to have your opinion considered and need to trust your partner to sincerely take this into consideration when assessing their own position, rather than finding ways to get around your opinion. I hope things work out for you.
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A
male
reader, softtouchmale2003 +, writes (30 September 2009):
 You have the right to have your own views and opinions. He should respect these views as your own boundaries.
Inasmuch as he can be logical and smart, manipulating you would be wrong.
A man who can't compromise and respect boundaries is going to be a difficult man in the future for you, unless you want him to dominate your thoughts and actions well into the future.
However, if he knows that he's hurting you, he may start to yield on some things. But it seems he's got some pretty strong views, and so do you.
How you reconcile these differences in your relationship is going to dictate how you proceed on to be happy together.
As far as resenting a child now, and being unsure of children in the future; this seems to be a point of contention to you, at least one of them.
Many people engage in childless relationships and marriages over time and can accept that. They do that by choice or perhaps circumstances don't permit bringing a child into the world.
Ultimately, however, it is how you feel about him. Not the other way around. If you feel he's attempting to manipulate you and your boundaries, you may consider finding someone else more compatible with you're perspectives on things. Not necessarily on all four corners, but enough so that you have some flexibility.
However, if he can never yield or bend, then its going to be rough for you in the future.
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