A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I recently spit up with my boyfriend of 6 months. It was a very rocky relationship and I feel very depressed, confused and angry after it. I just want to explain what happened and wonder if anyone can tell me if his behaviour was controlling or abusive because some things happened that made me unhappy.It started when he found out I had spoken friendlily to one of his enemies. He started shouting at me saying I had broken his trust and I would have to earn back his trust.He went into hospital with an infection and was in there for 3 weeks. I went up to see him every day after work, and it was quite stressful for me. In the 3rd week I went for a night out with friends. Later on he got very angry with me for doing this and said I didn't deserve a night out when he couldn't go. He also was angry because I was going to meet a male friend who he was convinced there was something going on between us, when there wasn't. He told me he didn't want me to speak to this male friend or go back to the bar where I went out to that night.After he came out of hospital we had a few arguments. He was convinced that I had cheated on him. I didn't and would never cheat. Well, one day I went to meet an ex who is now a good friend for lunch. I later on told my boyfriend that in the past we had been more than friends but it didn't work out and now we were just friends. Well my boyfriend went very quiet. Later on he drove me to the middle of nowhere, shouted at me and interrogated me for cheating because he was convinced that I must have cheated with my ex. I hadn't so I didn't know what to say. In the end he hit me and said he'd never hit a woman before and that I made him do it.He used to be very angry if I was late or if I didn't keep him updated what I was doing. He told me to stop doing this diet I was really successful with because he believed it to be unhealthy. He actually threw the diet products at me and told me to get rid of them. He didn't want me to compete my final university placement that I have to redo because he felt me getting the qualification wouldn't benefit our future and he didn't want to have to deal with me being stressed or in a bad mood while doing it. He also said he didn't think I'd make a good teacher and that he wouldn't want me looking after his kids. Well, when we started going out he was really impressed that I was a nursery teacher and seemed to like that about me, that I like helping people. He made me choose between him and the uni course. At first I said I was going to finish the uni course because I felt that I shouldn't have to choose, if he loved me he'd support me. But then I didn't want to leave him so I backed down.Then to make up for nearly leaving he asked me to delete people from my facebook who he doesn't like or trust, including one of my best male friends.I got really bad depression while I was with him and had to spend some time in hospital. When I came out he said I had to live with him because he didn't trust me. It was ok at first, I wanted to. But I didn't have any space at his house to put my things so I didn't feel at home there and wanted to spend some time at home.Also he wanted to start a business with me. He said he couldn't do it by himself and wanted me to help. I was happy to help but I didn't want to invest all my time and money into working with him when we had been so rocky and I didn't have many savings. Where would I be if it didn't work out. Plus he didnt really have a plan it was just to craft jewellery and leather things. But in the month and a half I lived with him he only made 3 items. He blamed me for the business not going anywhere and for him not getting anything done because I was sleeping in really late due to the meds I was on making me drowsy. He had a bunch of stuff in a lockup which he moved to another lockup nearer his house which he felt would be better and he could use it to make things in. It took him a long time to move everything from one lockup to the other to the point where he got a text threatening legal action if he didnt get his stuff out. He then blamed that situation on me because the reason he chose to move lockups was because of the business plan he'd made with me and I should've helped him more. I had helped him all I could. Some days he didn't want to do anything about it and said it was because he was bored waiting for me to get up so he didn't want to do anything.Even after we split up he was angry with me for going out because he said it looks like I'm celebrating splitting up with him. When he found out I was speaking to my best male friend again he also was angry and accused me of being more than friends, which is just not true.I just feel a lot of what happened was unfair. He was so good to me at the start and he made me a beautiful box for my birthday. But then it just all got so bad. He wouldn't even let me have the box when we split up. He said we couldn't be friends because I've shown him no respect so he has no reason to respect me. He said I was an ignorant b***h for going out with friends after we broke up. I told him I wasn't intending to upset him I was just upset by the breakup and didn't want to be alone. He wouldn't accept that and basically said he'd cut me out of his life.I just feel so hurt because I went through so much with him and for him and tried so hard to make it work, and he made me feel like I was a rubbish girlfriend and that I treated him badly and I feel so hurt that he doesn't want to now me anymore. I felt like I couldn't convince him that I did love him and that I had no intention of cheating, that I didn't mean to be friendly to his enemies, I was just civil because they were my friend in the past and I thought maybe they would be friends again because they just stopped talking I didn't realise how bad it was. I just feel so ad because when we met it was amazing. We had so much chemistry and so much in common. He was everything I was looking for in a guy. So for it to deteriorate like it did to the point were he doesn't want me to even have the gifts he made me and he doesn't ever want to be friends, it hurts. I'm still reeling from everything that happened.
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female
reader, odeer123  +, writes (8 June 2016):
 It's difficult, but getting over him is simple... You have to stay away. Immerse yourself in the company of other people who matter to you. Do that, and things will start to feel better. Don't, and you'll simply end up back in the cycle of forgiveness and inevitably disappointment, at the very least. You deserve someone who will respect you from day one onward, and won't make you second guess yourself, or make you feel confused about your relationship (I'm sure I don't have to explain to you how hitting someone is also unacceptable).Some of us here can really relate to what you're going through... Trust that. All things pass, and the feelings of despair, loneliness, and heartache will dissipate eventually, and you will feel free when they do. Your life has revolved around this guy for some time, and now that it doesn't, of course you might feel lost. But there is purpose outside of relationships. Deep within, you know that the pain he put you through was not fair, and taking time out of your life to try to fix anything or give him another 'chance' is not within your best interests. There are men out there, wonderful men, who would treat you with respect, and never make you second guess yourself.Take a deep breath. If it was a friend going through this, how would you advise them? It's about time you care for yourself as you would another. :)
A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (7 June 2016):
 He broke you down. Now is the time to build yourself up again. You CAN go back to who you used to be. It just takes work and time. And you will not be alone forever. It feels like this down, only because he broke you down. He wanted you to feel this way! Its the way controlling people get their partners to stay, despite all the pain and hurt. They make them believe they can not ever find anyone else, and certainly not ever find anyone better. They make them believe they don't deserve any better. Identity that these feelings you now have, they were put in you by HIM. It is HIS doing. Not reality. It's all part of his scheme to make you stay with him and be in his control. Even ignoring you now is a part of this scheme. He is playing your mind.
Getting away from him was a HUGE step! You were very brave! You should be proud of yourself for managing to do this. So many women (and men) are unable to leave, don't have the mental strength to leave, or have been broken down even further, and are thus unable to leave. You left! Take pride in this.
Identify the things you CAN fix, rather than the big problems and worryings you can not do anything about. You can not do anything about your lost savings. But you CAN start to save again. You can not do anything about your lost job. But you CAN get a new one. Or, maybe even call your old job and ask if you can have a word with the boss, and explain what happened back when you left and apologize. And then tell them that you have now left that relationship, and want to start working again, and if they have any openings you would appreciate the opportunity to apply for it. This is perfectly okay to say, and it isn't pushy or begging. It's an apology, and you are letting them know you are looking for work.
Focus on the things you CAN do, not what you can't undo. Take small steps at a time, and be proud of the steps you have made. Remember that you are not alone. Maybe people, unfortunately, end up with controlling men/women, and get broken down, having to rebuild themselves like you need to. You are not the only one going through this, and I am confident that you will get back up there, back to who you used to be, but even stronger! Because this is a serious life lesson, one you will not repeat again. Every one of us need to go through this lesson at some point in our lives, because there are many manipulators and controlling people out there. These people use everyone they get in touch with, and after you, your ex will continue to abuse his new girlfriends, and his daughter too. His family too, no doubt, have been used by him. It wasn't your fault, it was just bad luck that you happened to run into this man. It wasn't your fault that you believed in him. We all want to believe in the ones we love. He took advantage of this fact. And that is on him, not you.
Take a deep breath now, and repeat this: Things are going to be fine. I am going to get back up there again. I am going to be fine.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 June 2016): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionYou're right. I know him hitting me was a sure sign of disrespect and he accused me of cheating and of being in a secret relationship with my best male friend which no amount of me explaining I have zero sexual feelings for this friend convinced him otherwise. I know that was extreme jealousy and lack of trust. I even told him I have never cheated on anyone but he still forbid me to speak to my friend.
He also told me he planned to commit suicide because of me and that I was a terrible person and to think of what his family and daughter would think of me when he was gone. I felt so guilty I developed a mental illness and had nightmares about going to hell and being alone forever. I know this was not a healthy relationship. I guess it wasn't healthy for him either coz I did things that upset him and he was unable to trust me. I was an independent person before him too and used to having time alone which he didn't like so I guess we were just not compatible long term. Plus if he hit me once just because I had lunch with an ex and because he was convinced I cheated without evidence then theres a chance he could suspect me of cheating again in the future and hit me again.
Plus he threw away my stuff I'd just bought in a fit of anger and he ripped my new coat which he later got rid of and said he couldnt find it. He caused us to miss our flight home because he was so wound up from arguing. He caused me to lose my job because after I called in work to say I couldn't come in that day he told me my boss sounds like a c**t and that I shouldn't call her again. I was mentally ill at the time so didn't know what to say to my boss about that anyway but because he said I shouldn't go back to that job I just left it. I regretted this after as I did like the job and they might have had me back if I had just let them know what was going on.
Every day just feels really hard. Before I started seeing my ex I was in such a happy, confident place. But now I have gained 3 stones, lost my job and savings, confidence, and been through a nervous breakdown. I don't know how to pick myself up from this. I went through so much for him and with him and now he has just ditched me. I feel so worthless and alone. We felt like soul mates at the start. We were so in love. We used to just hold each other for hours. I don't know if it's possible to ever find that again. I'm scared I'm going to be alone forever now. I thought I was a strong person but now I am just obsessed by my ex and nothing makes me happy. I hope this will pass and that I can get over this and that someday I will feel strong and confident again. A part of me wishes I'd realised how damaged things were when he hit me and left then but I loved him and understood why he felt so afraid of cheating because he walked in on his ex wife in bed with 2 guys. So I sympathised. But that doesn't excuse him hitting me though.
My friends and family also told me to stay away and think he was controlling. So everything says I should walk away and stay away. I just pray for the strength to get through this...
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A
female
reader, odeer123 +, writes (7 June 2016):
It's difficult, but getting over him is simple... You have to stay away. Immerse yourself in the company of other people who matter to you. Do that, and things will start to feel better. Don't, and you'll simply end up back in the cycle of forgiveness and inevitably disappointment, at the very least. You deserve someone who will respect you from day one onward, and won't make you second guess yourself, or make you feel confused about your relationship (I'm sure I don't have to explain to you how hitting someone is also unacceptable).Some of us here can really relate to what you're going through... Trust that. All things pass, and the feelings of despair, loneliness, and heartache will dissipate eventually, and you will feel free when they do. Your life has revolved around this guy for some time, and now that it doesn't, of course you might feel lost. But there is purpose outside of relationships. Deep within, you know that the pain he put you through was not fair, and taking time out of your life to try to fix anything or give him another 'chance' is not within your best interests. There are men out there, wonderful men, who would treat you with respect, and never make you second guess yourself.Take a deep breath. If it was a friend going through this, how would you advise them? It's about time you care for yourself as you would another. :)
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 June 2016): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for your replies. I need to remember that our relationship was not healthy. I still have strong feelings for him. 3 days ago I saw him in a pub and he asked to speak to me privately. He asked why I hadn't been in touch and said he wanted to be friends. Then we were hugging and kissing. He said he would be in touch. I sent him a message yesterday saying I still love him and asked how does he feel. He said he feels gutted that people realise afterwards that something was worth some effort and he said he feels let down and disappointed. He is done with trying. Then he said he wants me to be happy and that is not us and he doesn't want to hold me from my future.
I just feel so bad after seeing him and kissing him and then him telling me it's over again. It's like I can't get my head around the fact he doesn't care anymore when he used to be so into me. He bought me flowers and made me gifts and we had so much chemistry. It's like I can't believe it ended so badly.
I know that he did a lot that hurt me. He was controlling. He got angry when I wanted to do things on my own like put things on ebay or fill out my benefits forms. He wanted to do everything with me but we didn't get round to it so I did it myself but then he'd get angry and refuse to help me in the future. He stopped me hanging out with a female friend because he was upset I didn't invite him and he also said he didn't trust that I wouldn't say bad things about him. He got angry with me if I put food in the wrong place in the refidgerator or if my bus was late.
I know I have been psychologically damaged by this relationship and I just feel so lost and depressed all the time. How do I get over him?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 June 2016): I think I may have to mention the Lundy Bancroft book again 'Why does he do that? - in the minds of angry and controlling men'. Please read it anyway - even though you are out of that relationship thankfully - as it will help you recognise that the fact it is over is good news. Also it might help in the future recognise this behaviour as sometimes 'finding' these men becomes a pattern in relationship choices. Be careful in the future and value yourself first.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 June 2016): Please watch a film called The Burning Bed. Its on youtube . I think it is also on DVD. It is based on a true story, and what has happened in your relationship sounds exactly like what the woman in the film went through in her marriage. You were definitely in an abusive relationship!.
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A
female
reader, chigirl +, writes (3 June 2016):
Yes, this was an abusive relationship from A to Z. It ticks every box. I am happy you made it out of that relationship after just 6 months. Do not talk to this man again, he is dangerous. He already tried to take away your future, your friends, your savings, and he was physically and verbally abusive as well. The only thing he didn't manage to do yet, was knock you up and then try to kill you.
Never talk to him again. Delete him from everywhere. Block his number. He is dangerous.
He is just pulling back now and telling you he doesn't want to know you, to HURT YOU EVEN MORE. He does all these things to cause you pain, because he gets off on it. This is what you must understand with abusive people like him: they LIKE to cause pain in others. He accused you of cheating because he ENJOYED watching you squirm and watching you cry and watching you in pain. He did all these things, blamed you for everything, because he liked to cause you pain.
Just do an experiment for me, if you don't believe me. Show him you don't care about him. Go out and live your life. Will he then continue to take the stance of not wanting to know you? Hell no! He will then try to tell you how much he cares for you, how sorry he was, and ask you to come back. I promise. The moment you show him you no longer care for him, the moment you aren't crying over him any longer, he will try to bring you back in so he can wrap you around his little finger. Because he enjoys toying with people.
The reason things went so well in the beginning, the reason he appeared to be everything you wanted in a man, is because HE LIED. He was none of that. He showed his true colours to you, the true him is the one who abused you. Not the charming fake person you met at the beginning. A manipulator always knows how to charm and be everyone the other is looking for. They know what buttons to press. They know how to appear as perfect. Then they slowly pick you apart.
Be glad you got out of it as soon as you did. Most people don't manage to do this, most get so locked up by their abuser, they can't get out. Most will lose their savings, lose their belief in themselves, get knocked up and never be allowed to leave the house. You escaped that future.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (3 June 2016):
 Op, beside all the rest....he hit you.
He HIT you !
Yes, it was an abusive relationship !- what else ? when they hit you, it's abuse. How can you even have doubts about this ?
I don't understand why you'd want to stay friends with someone who is capable of abusing you, emotionally AND physically. Do you normally count among your friends people who hit you ?!... I'd think not.
Maybe you don't want to be the type of person who holds grudges, and that's good of you. But you can forgive him in your heart, consider that if he behave so poorly toward you it's because he is badly messed up in his mind and emotions, and mentally wish him peace and healing. After which,-stop. Case closed. You don't have to hold grudges forever, neither you have to be so foolish and self destructive to seek or cultivate the friendship of people who treated you like dirt.
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A
female
reader, Anonymous 123 +, writes (3 June 2016):
 Honey this was not an abusive relationship, this was a case study for all abusive relationships. You have no idea how lucky you are to get of this alive...trust me. This could have gotten way worse and out of hand. 6 months and this was the scene...imagine life with this man for 6 years and beyond!
Insecure----check.
Constant, extreme jealousy----check.
Controlling---check
Unrealistic expectations----check
Isolation---check
Blaming you for his mistakes---check
Verbal and physical abuse---check
Constant put-downs----check
Humiliating or embarrassing you---check
Lack of respect---check
Not wanting you to look good---check
No empathy or compassion---check
Blaming you for things that aren't true---check
Trivializing your achievements and aspirations----check
Disregarding your opinions---check
Manipulative----check
Narcissistic----check
Vicious and cruel----check
OP I think you have been severely damaged by this relationship and need therapy. Think of it in this way, if your car was in a crash, wouldn't you send it to get it fixed? Or would you continue driving a broken, mangled car till a time when the car would just completely break down and be of no use?
The reason I say you need help is because despite all this, you still think that you should have got to keep the gifts that he gave you or that he should have wanted to be friends with you. Are you kidding me? You should perform an exorcism and get rid of whatever remains of him and don't even let his shadow get to you.
Remember, abusers are often very charming in the beginning and will say and do all the right things to sweep you off your feet. That *DOES NOT* mean that they are good people. Please tattoo this on the back of your mind. He is a TERRIBLE PERSON...I'm sorry for shouting and I absolutely hate using caps but I just feel so helpless reading your post!
Please, please, please don't ever think of getting back with him, block him from social media, change your number, don't allow him into your house for "one last talk", don't meet him anywhere, don't interact with him in any way. Inform family and friends if he tries to bother you. Lodge a complaint with the police immediately if things even remotely get out of hand. There's no such thing as being too safe. Read the news today, a girl was burnt to death by her abusive ex in Rome.
Please be safe and throw this man out of your life and thoughts for good.
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A
female
reader, odeer123 +, writes (3 June 2016):
To start the conversation off, I wish to commend you for coming to Dearcupid for our collective feedback, and help. It's not always easy to look back on something, and to understand exactly what was happening and who was to blame... So, without further ado, were you in an abusive relationship? Yes. Yes you were. Sometimes we can feel guilty thinking that there was abuse - especially when you can see such severe violence occur in other people's relationships. But, regardless, emotional abuse is very insidious, and has clearly caused you a lot of pain.Relationships generally always start off good - it's why we enter into them. They make us feel positive, and we see bright futures. Abusive relationship develop, so it's no surprise to me that your experience is so.The first thing that you need to be assured of is that the abuse is a pattern of behaviour that is NOT something you provoked, but his own disposition. All (straight) men have a placeholder for the 'girlfriend' in their life, and when it is filled their relationship-personality is revealed. It was this circumstance that caused his behaviour, and not you personally, despite your presence as a girlfriend being the trigger.Okay, so what was abuse? When someone claims your time as a commodity that they have the rights to, this is taking away your mobility. When someone dictates who is and isn't your friend, they are removing your right to choose. Both of these combined is enough to isolate you from other human beings in your life who can offer you that bit of fresh air, and space and time to think. When you've been hanging around a bad smell for long enough, you stop noticing it's there. Also, you become unable to understand your own desires, and become dependent on their decision making. This is hugely disabling, and can be very detrimental to future life. Punching or hitting is a habit that only increases over time, because once the brain exercises a certain behaviour, it becomes easier to perform - unless the negative repercussions are enough to hinder such development. So often this isn't the case, because the abuser has already succeeded in separating you from your support base, who would have provided those negative repercussions.The fact that you can list his behaviours as things that upset you already tells us that you can recognise abuse. You're just a little afraid of giving it the name it deserves, which is okay. Validation is helpful. Now, you can go forward with this understanding.For future relationships, it's of the utmost importance to give yourself time away from your partner. It's a good way to gauge what separation does to the way they treat you, as well as allowing you to reflect on moments you have with that person. Hey, we could even use another metaphor here. :P So, we all know that 'frog in a boiling pot' one. A slowly rising temperature goes unnoticed by the frog. Well, imagine if the frog was removed from the pot after a while (miraculously still alive). After spending a bit of time out side of that hot water, do you think it would go back in without complaint? No sir. It would be able to feel the heat this time. Time out is time well spent. :)Be honest to yourself too. Be confident in your desires. If you want a friend, you keep that friend. Anyone who questions your choices does have that right, but you also have the right to say 'Sorry - it's my choice'. It is scary, because taking this stance can be risky. Some people will decide that they are not willing to compromise. Don't worry about this. Compromise, and lack thereof is what guides us to those who are right for us, and we mustn't be scared of moving on.I hope this helps. :)
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A
female
reader, Hiyorin  +, writes (3 June 2016):
To to straight with you, you were in that kind of relationship. If he blamed everything on you and hit you while you did so much for him, he's likely abusive. People act nice and then they don't try anymore. You shouldn't even be sad that he's now your ex. Cut off contact with him, he's not the soulmate every girl wants. Don't feel hurt because HE made you feel really bad, don't feel hurt that he doesn't want to know you anymore, it's his loss for leaving such a great girlfriend like you. He didn't appreciate you anyway.
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