A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:hiya, well i'm 14 and i have this most amazing boyfriend, i love him to bits.The thing is we muck about talking about sex and stuff and i no he actually does want to have sex with me as he has told me and he keeps hinting it. I also think i want to and i think i am ready.We would definitely use protection!But there's one thing holding me back from having sex with him, and thats how i look without any clothes on. I'm quite big I'd even go as far as to say i'm fat! I've told him this and he said he wouldnt mind how i looked because in his eyes i'm always beautiful, he said he will help me over come this.But i still can't help but feel i'm letting him down.Has any one got any ideas on how i could get over this?please helpxxx Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 March 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionhi again thank you all very much for your advice, i will think very carefully about my actions and i'll get bak to you
thanks
xxx
A
female
reader, Tisha-1  +, writes (19 March 2008):
 Hi there, I'm sorry it took a little while to get back to you but I wanted some time to think about what I was going to tell you.
You of course noticed the link I gave you to read, and there was a really good reason why I chose that one to send on to you, because that was something that happened to me when I was around your age.
I had a boyfriend (his name was Scott, with 2 't's) and he wanted me to do stuff I really didn't want to do but I liked him so much, so we basically just fooled around, no actual sex but lots of touching and exploring. I remember saying 'no' a lot. Well, Scott wound up cheating on me with an older girl, I figured it out, and we broke up. I don't know what they did exactly but she was 2 years older than both of us and she had a bit of a reputation.
A couple of months later, I had a new boyfriend, his name was Scot (with only one 't'; I was teased a lot by my girlfriends for staying only with Scot/ts!) and the same things started to happen. One day, he got really frustrated with me when I said 'no' once too often, and he told me that the other Scott (the ex) had told him that I would only go so far and no further. And that if I really liked him, I would do more with him the second Scot than I had done with the first Scott.
Well, I was completely shocked that they would have been talking to each other and about ME! And then I realized, ashamed and shocked and stunningly, that I had a reputation. Even though I never had sex with either of them, just fooled around. It was a real eye opener for me and I started to pay more attention to the rumor mill.
The thing that really, really hurt was that they both said they really cared about me, and I felt that they meant it at the time. I really believed that I was being treated well, and all along, people were speculating and gossiping and talking about what we were doing privately. And I had no idea!
My family moved a lot when I was growing up, and I wound up moving away, and they moved away too, so I don't really know what happened to either of them, but I did wind up being more careful about what I did with future boyfriends, and waited until I was at university before losing my virginity to a boy who loved me and whom I loved. We were together for 3 years...and then I broke his heart and we split up, but that's a whole different story.
Well, you've just had a really personal look into my life, and I hope that you think very carefully about what YOU want. It is an amazing feeling to be in love with someone, but...and this is the big 'but,' you have to love yourself first and not rely on others to make you feel good about yourself. It is all part of growing up and becoming a well-rounded, balanced, wonderful person.
Hope this helps... It is easy to look back on your own mistakes and tell someone what to do, it's much harder to listen to people and really think about how their experiences could apply to you.
All the best.
Tisha
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reader, LazyGuy  +, writes (19 March 2008):
 You don't want to be reminded of your age, well that is normal, no teen wants to be told they are a kid. So I won't.
Instead I ask you to look at your own words. In your original post you say "I also think i want to and i think i am ready."
English is a confusing language because so many words have a double meaning, do you mean "think" as in "I think I want a cup of tea"? This implies you are not sure and would have to try to see if you were right. That is fine with a cup of tea, you can always not drink it if you change your mind. Bit harder with sex. If you had written "I want to and I am ready", then I and the others might give you advice just on your insecurity about how you look.
If you were ready, you would know it, not think it.
You then update your post, "we want to have sex mainly for me, so he can prove to me that i'll always be beautiful to him."
Right... Well it is a nice line if you can get the girl to swallow it.
"we want have sex mainly for me" Well ain't he a gentleman, lets give him a medal, a teenboy who bravely had sex for the sake of his girlfriend. I wish I had the balls to come up with that one. Mind you, women in my age bracket would castrate a man for trying that carbage.
You then respond again and ask how he can prove he finds you beautiful. I think we are now finally getting to the heart of the matter, you are insecure about your looks. Welcome to the world, everyone is.
How can he prove it, well by being around you for the coming years as the two of you go through school together, by being around you, being friends, slowly growing into young adults together. If he truly thinks you are beautiful AND more importantly loves you then he will accept waiting.
Don't you find it odd that YOU write you love HIM to bits, but don't write about his affections for you?
Let him prove his love first and that is NOT done by fucking you.
You are not going to want to hear the next bit, but teenage boys can fuck pretty much anything. You wouldn't be the first insecure girl to be used and tossed aside.
Sure, offcourse, he is different, well let him prove it. Let him show he is willing to wait until you are more mature and no longer "think" you are ready but KNOW you are ready.
And if he then is still around and shown his love, you won't have any problems being naked around him because you will be sure he LOVES you, even if you are not a perfect airbrushed model. Let his actions proof his love, not his pecker.
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 March 2008): I think that some people have given you some very good advice here, but let me give my own thoughts.
First, I do think that you are too young to have sex, but I don’t think that just because of your age or maturity. There are many problems that could result from this if you do. I will go through some of these.
First is pregnancy. No birth control method is 100 percent certain. I know a woman who had sex for the first time at the age of 17. She was on birth control pills. She still got pregnant and had to have an abortion. That was not an easy thing for her to do, even at the age of 17. It will be much more difficult for you. How will you explain that possibility to your parents if it happens?
The next problem is that young boys like to tell all of their friends about their sexual conquests. Tisha referenced another question about that. Please read that link if you already haven’t. Having sex raises them up in the eyes of the other boys. A reputation of having sex at the age of 14 may sound good now, but it will not do you well in the future when you are wanting to find your real life partner.
You think that you have found someone who you love. Well, so did I at the age of 14. And 15, and 16, and 17. Well, you get the idea. You will most likely have several boyfriends over the next few years. If you have sex with all of them and get a reputation for being easy, you may find that the guy who you really want when you reach the age of 18 or so doesn’t want you because of what you did over the past 4 years. Anyone can say that it is your past, but sometimes your past does cause a problem. The guy who you really fall in love with may be willing to overlook your past, but maybe he won’t either.
I know it must be difficult for a woman to feel beautiful at times without a man’s support for her. It is sometimes difficult for a man to feel that he is a good lover when just one woman thinks that he is. Does that mean the he should find other women to have sex with just to boost his confidence? No, but those feeling do crop up in men, just like feelings of not being beautiful or wanted crop up in women. We have to work to believe in our own beauty or abilities. I have had problems with confidence in the past, so I can appreciate what you are thinking. However, I tried my best to work them out in the best way.
I know that I’m one of the old guys on this forum, but the first time that I had sex was at the age of 21. This is the same for my wife. We were both married and divorced and met at the ages of 33. Believe me, neither one of us believes that we missed out on anything by waiting until we were 21 to have sex for the first time. We are over 60 and still have sex almost every day and it is as good or better now than it has ever been, either with each other or with others in the past. You have a whole life to experience the best sex that you have ever had. My wife remembers her first sexual experience and remembers that it was disappointing and nothing nearly as great as she thought it would be. The sex that we have had over the past 29 years is the best that either one of us have ever had. Much better than even when we were in our early 20s. The younger you are, the less likely it is that you will have an orgasm or really enjoy sex. The first time will be something much more special if you wait a few years.
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 March 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionyes Danielepew I agree, you are a sensible guy!Maybe he doesn't need to prove it, maybe he just needs to show he cares and that will be enough? I know what you mean! People are forever telling me that I'm too young to love and that I don't know what love is, but I do, I truly do!Thank you too all those who took time answering this question.I will post to let you no how I get on. But Tisha-1 please still feel free to get back to me and tell me anything you can think of.Thank you all so muchxxx
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reader, Danielepew  +, writes (19 March 2008):
 Dear poster, I think I will be the elephant in the glassware store. I hope this will help you. It's only my point of view.
First, I would like to support all the other aunts, uncles, cousins and whatevers, at least (without limiting myself) to one point: this site is not made to tell you the pleasant things you want to hear, but to give you sort of anonymous opinions on your situation. Of course you will do what you think best. When I myself came to this site, I received advice I certainly did not want to hear. But the people who posted their answers were so right, and I'm benefitting from it (and so is the girl I loved). Sometimes, your best friend is the one who tells you what no one else dares to say. As in that story of the emperor who was wearing no clothes (and I'm quoting that because I always liked it). Or, if you prefer, as one person I met once, a guy with a miserly salary as he was in charge of photocopying things, who was the only one who noticed that an important document had expired (much to the anger of well-paid lawyers who were trying to score that goal).
Sex at your age is illegal in the UK and in many other countries. The idea is to protect the minor. If such a law did not exist, then you'd have men of 65 "falling in love" with 15 year olds. A young person almost always knows less of the world than someone who is not that young anymore, and so the young person is almost always at a disadvantage. Of course the law has loopholes, such as, for example, your own situation: here we have two 14 year olds, both protected by the law, who quite naturally won't think of such prohibition as "protection", but as a nuisance only. In very cynic terms, the law is not only the wishes of a group of old farts who drafted it, but the way other people will act towards you, and then you can't ignore it.
You're too young to have sex and you'd better pay attention to these opinions you don't like. As someone said (I don't remember who), no contraceptive is 100% effective and you could end up pregnant. That is something you should avoid for the time being, until you're married and have a stable relationship, because it is a serious responsibility and a serious step in life. I think it's safe to say that, anyways, you'll be having sex before you marry, but it's still correct to tell you not to have anything for the time being. "For the time being" meaning "at least until you're 18".
I don't have any doubts that your boyfriend loves you to bits. Once upon a time, I was fourteen, too, and I know how you can love at that age. People say it's puppy love, but puppies are good lovers. But you shouldn't have sex with him now, and he shouldn't have sex with you, either. A baby would also be a huge step for him, one that he's not ready to take.
Your boyfriend is a creative guy, because he says he wants to have sex with you to prove you look good. (I had never had that idea; I will try it sometime :-) ). I think that his hormones and his wishes are those of a fourteen year old, and so he is very much "willing" to have sex. You look good, yes, but he doesn't have to "prove it", because, a two people said, if he loves you then he shouldn't care what you look like, and then, there's no reason why you would need someone's approval to think you look beautiful.
Every boyfriend wants to sleep with his girlfriend, but that doesn't mean it would be convenient for you to sleep with him.
This guy can prove he finds you attractive by being a loving person in general. I know many people who deeply loved each other and not having sex was not a problem for them. Perhaps staying with you and being a loving boyfriend would be THE proof you need? What do you think? It's easy to stay with a girl if we get along well with her and we get "benefits". It's harder, and it means a lot more, if she won't give those "benefits" and we still stay there. What do you think, dear poster?
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reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (19 March 2008):
The original poster just wrote: "Ok maybe to help me further you could give me some ideas on how he could prove that i am and always will be beautiful to him without sex?"
Now THAT is a great question! I'm going to think about that for a bit and get back to you. Let's see what the 'uncles' might think about that too...
I will write again in a little while...
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 March 2008): WHY DO YOU NEED THE APPROVAL OF A BLOKE TO FEEL BEAUTIFUL! Yes i have shouted that because it makes me so mad! You are a very beautiful and special person, start believing in yourself. Dont rely on a bloke or someone else for that matter to boost your confidence or to think you are beautiful. BE STRONG.
Take care
xx
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 March 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionhi, ok i wasn't trying to bite your heads of and i'm sorry if you felt that way.
I just don't know what i want, if i go ahead and have sex with him, then become pregnant, i won't feel as mature then will I!
I REALLY don't want anything to happen that could put me in danger or ruin my future.
Ok maybe to help me further you could give me some ideas on how he could prove that i am and always will be beautiful to him without sex?
Any further comments will be much appreciated
xxx
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female
reader, hannah76 +, writes (19 March 2008):
 You came on here for adivce and the posters gave it to you. They have their experience and opinion, you have yours. I think you are going to do what you want anyway though. The law may be an ass but it is there like drink driving and smoking laws. H.
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reader, Skeez +, writes (19 March 2008):
 =/ sorry to hear that you thought people were just reminding you of your age...but hes proving to you by havings sex that your beautiful?
that just sounds weird..and not right.
He should think your beautiful always anyways without the sex. Personally to me it just sounds like he wants to get you in the sack. Hes 14 aswell, so he doesnt sound as though hes being very mature about this. Why dont you be the mature one lovey.
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reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (19 March 2008):
While you're thinking about all the advice you got here, can I suggest you read this question? There are lots of things to consider in taking the step you're contemplating...
All the best!
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/i-told-my-mates-wed-had-sex-now.html
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 March 2008): You asked for an answer from us and that is just what you got, so dont bite our heads off! Which i have to say is a typical answer from one so young! Dont be so nasty or we may not be so ready to answer you questions in the future, one of which could be,'i am pregnant and only 14!.
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reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (19 March 2008):
 Your reasoning is flawed. How does having sex prove anything? It certainly is a smooth line he's got working for him, especially since you are buying it. If he truly cares he can PROVE he cares in many other ways, respecting your age for one. The law was created to protect young people, sometimes from themselves.
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 March 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionhi again, right i came to this sight for help not to be told things i already no and be treated unreasonably by complete strangers!
My boyfriend is also 14 for those of you who asked.
we want to have sex mainly for me, so he can prove to me that i'll always be beautiful to him.
And the only person that got the law right was Cosa.Its true the law is just a few peoples points of view on one thing, they don't no me and i don't no them same as I don't no you and you don't no me, so how the hell should you no whether i'm old enough and mature enough?
I asked for help not to be reminded of my age.
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reader, thatgothgirl20 +, writes (17 March 2008):
 You can be beautiful and big at the same time. You just gotta learn to love yourself.
(Btw, I am neither condoning nor condemning what you are thinking of doing, it is your life, do with it as what you see fit.)
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reader, Cosy +, writes (17 March 2008):
The law makes no difference to any kid in the UK, its a stupid law, people will have sex if and when thy are ready. The law is there, lets say, as a 'guide' for when the gov thinks people are mature enough to have sex. I know people who are still not mature enough and are 20, and people who are very mature at 22 and still haven't..everyone is different!
Just be sure!
You will regret it if you later meet someone who has the right feelings for you..
(and if you decide to, it doesn't matter how you look at all.. you will be doing it because you love him and he loves you.)
use protection! obv!
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reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (17 March 2008):
Keep a nickel between those knees. You may be a little chubby but that's because you still have some of your BABY fat. If your amazing boyfriend truly cares about you then he will respect your decision to wait until you have matured physically as well as mentally.
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reader, Krystelle +, writes (17 March 2008):
the fact that you said ''i think im ready'' is proof enough that you're not. how long have you been with this guy anyway?besides you're fourteen - same as me - and saying you love him to bits is quite a strong statement at this age. i'm not saying its impossible, but it's unlikely we even know what love is at our age. forget all these people saying you HAVE to wait until you're sixteen. sure by the law you might. but you as a person is completely different, if you're positive your ready. go for it. but be prepared for a breakup that might happen shortly after. xoxo
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reader, Fairy_Lu +, writes (17 March 2008):
 Worried about how you look naked but not botherd about breaking the law i see you have your priorities in order.
Look your 14 your still growing you have no idea about the responsibilities of sex your body is still growing and you would be breaking the law, 2 years is nothing if he loves you he would wait for you, i know you might feel ready for sex but your body isnt ready its a HUGE step and if you both love each other and see a future then a few years wont make much diffrence.
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reader, Skeez +, writes (17 March 2008):
I would like to say that darling you are too young to be having sex. You may feel as thought you are grown up and mature enough to have it becuase you have a boyfriend. But you two are still so young. Its illegal to have sex under 16 in the UK. You may feel as though you love your boyfriend, but at this moment in your life, I dont feel its a good idea to give away your virginity. You failed to mention how old your boyfriend is. If hes older than 16, then thats probably why he wants to have sex, coz he feels hes old enough to do it and doesnt want to hang around. If hes your age...why would he be wanting sex? Its obscure to me why young people want to experiance sex when it isnt all thats cracked up to be. Just enjoy the time you have wih each other rigth now. Rather than get into such a serious relationship, just date casually as really good friends. Forget about all those things and enjoy the company you two have. Later on in life, you will be grateful that you saved yourself for someone who you really do love.
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reader, GoLdeN +, writes (17 March 2008):
 keep your legs tightly closed untill you are 16.you might think its cool or shows you grown up to lose your virginity at your age but trust me you going to regret it when you are much older and wishing you had kept it for the right person and the right time.
Sex isnt all like people say. it is highly over rated! At least wait till its legal for you.
Take care
xx
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 March 2008): You want a reputation as a slappper. Why not wait till you grow up. Don't follow the crowd. When all the other cherries have been popped all the guys will come running to you.
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 March 2008): If he really loves you then, he wouldnt mind what you look like. if he does care then hes a jerk, but it sounds like you got a great boyfriend and doesnt care how you look its your personality. Trust me if he cares about how you look then screw him hes a retard and is throwing away a beautiful girl like you! He will regret it if he cares what you look like.hope this helps gawjuzz xx
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 March 2008): There is one thing holding you back! YOUR AGE!!!!!!! You ae too young, you must wait until you are over 16 and that is all i want to say on the matter.
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