A
female
age
51-59,
*kts
writes:My husband and I have been having trouble for a while, initially stemming from financial problems which led to every other problem imaginable. Neither of us were truly working on things. Right when we were about to turn a corner, he apparently lost hope and had an affair. He has been having an emotional affair with this woman about 2 1/2 months and last week it became physical. I confronted him and he left and moved to her place. We've been married 11 years and I know this is an escape for him. I also know he has developed feelings for her but I also believe our lives could change for the better if he would not give up just yet. (House about to sell, moving, fresh start, more money equaling more fun and a life. We currently only have one date a year!) However, none of his is possible while he is staying with her. She is younger and I believe her father pays for her apartment. My question is should I call her father and tell him she is living with a married man who cannot even afford to contribute to the rent or utilities in hopes the father will have some influence over the girl?
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affair, married man, money Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 March 2008): Hey There,
Im so glad to hear you say that your heart is hardening towards him, it's the still being in love that makes us put up with their terribel behaviour! Hopefully you will continue to fall out of love with him and will be able to think clearly and rationally about it all whilst moving forward to a new life without him.
I agree with previous posts regarding not contacting her father or her ex. You will not come out of that well, and it could harm you in a legal battle to seperate assets. I would leave it alone, it can only make you look bad and at the end of the day it is her father and her ex and they are ultinately going to be on her side.
I would continue as you are doing, but sod the letting him know you're willing to try and work things out, he is living with another woman who he has left you for! Sod him! He knows where you are, let him contact you!
Very best of luck and I hope you get everything you are owed financially!
xxx
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 March 2008): Hi, I am replying to my own post. This is new to me and I am not sure if I am supposed to do this or not. Anyway, thank you to everyone.
Update - He opened a joint banking account with her so I am getting a legal separation to protect myself. I have TONS of evidence. He has enough to pay our bills or child support and alimony but that does not leave him with much to apply towards "their" bills or her apartment. Not my fault - freedom has its price. Because we have two children who are devastated, I am not ruling out a reconciliation but it is not likely as my heart is being hardened by his actions. I have decided to take the high road and kill him with kindness. Not for him but because I want to be a better person for ME. Funny how life works though - he's been gone a week and we got an offer on our house and an investor for our business (now all in my name.) He looked sick when I told him:) I think I've discovered that her ex is paying her rent. Maybe he'll find out about my husband some way and not pay. I don't want revenge, just justice. Why should we be home watching every penny while he is going out to dinner and enjoying a life free of responsibilities? Maybe she'll get tired of paying his way.
Thanks again. My main challenge now is to not call her ex.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (17 March 2008): Start a fresh. How will money wipe out the memory of an affair. You are the ultimate optimist.
Good luck
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 March 2008): What state do you live in?? check the matimonial separation of assets laws. you said that he doesn't even have enough money to pay the rent? that's pathetic! why would you want him back? and as long as you two are married, you might be legally responsible for his debt. i'd divorce him with a quickness!
listen to us! you are NOT going to take him back regardless of why he comes back:
a) when she's through with him (with or without her father's influence) and he comes begging back (why do you want someone's trash?)
b) when he realises what an ass he was (he already broke the trust. how will you ever believe him again?)
i know everyone wants you to be the "bigger person" and whatnot, but if you were my real girlfriend, i see nothing wrong with telling the father. he's on a high right now (which he may soon get bored off eventually). being dropped from heights hurts to most. even if he doesn't get kicked out, it'll cause a few fights between the two of them, showing him that EVERY relationship has issues.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 March 2008): Look on it as a lucky escape. Dont tell the father, just wash your hands of the sorry bloke and let him get on with it. Anyway, why do you want him back? He is 2nd hand goods and they are never reliable. Just kick him to the kerb and leave him there to rot in his sorry state, but dont tell, he will dig his own grave.
take care
xx
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A
female
reader, Laura1318  +, writes (17 March 2008):
 He will get his dues ,for what goes around , comes around.
Do not get your hands dirty over him.
Do not do unto others if you do not want others to do unto you.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (17 March 2008):
 Are you hoping that her father will throw him out for you? I sincerely doubt that will happen, I am sorry to say.
The problem in your marriage is not on her, it is HIM and YOU. He chose to leave and move in with someone else, he chose to stop working on your relationship. Sorry to be so blunt about this, but calling her father is most likely not going to send him running back to you. It will probably backfire in a way you haven't predicted.
If he still wants to work on saving your relationship, then make it easy for him to do so. Tell him you want to work things out, tell him everything you haven't been honest about. Make an appointment with a marriage counselor, pick a time when he could actually attend, tell him when it is and that you really want to salvage the marriage. Ask him to go with you to the appointment. Then, even if he doesn't, YOU go.
He's moved out, which means he really has started down a different path...
Oh, dear, I am so sorry to be so negative about this, but I do feel that you need to take positive action, not negative action. Calling her father is a negative action...
All the best.
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A
male
reader, Dazzerg  +, writes (17 March 2008):
 My immediate gut feeling is no to be honest; although you may feel that he a) deserves this and b) it will help you two reunite I dont think it will bring you two any closer back together. If you are implicated in breaking these two up then it could just as easily be counterproductive, it could make the split between the two of you permanent and unmendable. He may well be forced to leave this girl but do not automatically assume that this will make him come back to you, you maybe lucky and it might but equally it might not.
I think instead you need to tell him that you want to and willing to resolve the issues that have led to him doing this but be equally insistent that he has to earn your trust back and that you both have to work on the issues in your marriage together. You seem like you have your head well adjusted and are willing to put the effort in; if you show him that then it will apply a different sort of pressure to him and hopefully make him question this new relationship of his own accord; people dont very much like being forced into or out of things in a direct way.
If he doesnt question the new relationship with you being willing to work on it then I am afraid the break may already be permanent and there is little you can do in any case. I just think if you call the father then you are opening up a can of worms and you wont be able to control or gurantee the outcome...good luck :)
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