A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I am a 29 year old virgin. This is not something I planned on, it just sort of happened. I am not religious at all, I simply have not found the right guy for me. I dated a guy for awhile when I was a teenager and he really took away my self-esteem. I cared so much for him, but he constantly pulled away from me. It was a back and forth tug of war with him, until I finally got the courage to severe all ties with him. He was my first love. After that, I didn't date anyone for many years. I did not feel good enough for anyone and all my self worth had disappeared. I then met a guy at work. We have been friends for a few months. He began flirting with me alot, but he was too shy to ask me out. Finally he did and we have been seeing each other for a few weeks. He is kind and patient. He does not know that I am a virgin, but I have told him I need things to go slowly. We are very attracted to each other and have engaged in other sexual activities. He makes me feel beautiful. He makes me love my body and all its flaws. I want him to be my first, but I am afraid to tell him. I know deep down it will not matter to him. He is very good to me, but I seem to have my own personal hang ups. He told me he wants to wait until my mind, heart, and body are all on the same page, and only when I am ready will we have sex. I just don't know how to tell him I am a virgin. I'm scared he will be turned off or think there is something wrong with me.
View related questions:
at work, engaged, flirt, shy Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, daletom +, writes (10 August 2010):
Great to hear that it worked out well! Yes, overall "making love" is a LOT better than "having sex". As you see, it WAS bet to tell him.
Thanks for the update - I often wonder how things work out for the people we try to help on here. It's rare to ever hear back from them.
I didn't mention before . . . but . . . I hope this was done after at least a little discussion about things like "life partners", "marriage", etc.
A
female
reader, Moo's Mum  +, writes (7 August 2010):
 Yay you.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 August 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you all for your help. You all basically told me what I already knew deep down inside. He and I went to dinner last night and I told him everything. He told me he had no idea, but that it was perfectly fine and normal and a beautiful thing. That night we made love. It did not hurt me and I did not even bleed. It was nice and now I feel closer to him than ever. I am very happy.
...............................
A
male
reader, daletom +, writes (6 August 2010):
You REALLY need to let him know! And, if you are really ready for this, you will find a way to let him know.
If he's truly wise enough to know that you must have your " ... mind, heart, and body are all on the same page ...", then it WILL matter to him - and it will matter in a very special and significant way. He may have already guessed the situation, but you need to confirm it to him.
He will take special care to make sure you are physiologically ready for intercourse. I hope that the "other sexual activities" you enjoy with each other includes exploring each other's bodies and learning each other's orgasm response before you try penetrative intercourse.
(Look at my answer to the question "When I lose my virginity to my boyfriend I don't just want to lay there and not know what to do!" at http://www.dearcupid.org/question/when-i-lose-my-virginity-to-my-boyfriend.html . In fact, maybe you should "tell" your B/F about your virginity by printing that thread, and giving it to him or putting it where he (and ONLY he!) will find it.)
It is probably MORE important in your case that he knows the outline of your previous experience so he can understand your emotional response. This is something VERY significant and serious for you. From all indications in your post, letting him know of your condition - and the reasons for it - will probably make him desire you all the more.
...............................
A
male
reader, Odds +, writes (6 August 2010):
 Many women look down on male virgins above a certain age, but rest assured, guys aren't like that. He will probably be thrilled, in which case he will try to hide it so you don't think he's a perv.
There's a smaller chance that he will not want the responsibility of being your first - that sort of gentleman is rare today, but they exist. Unfortunately, I couldn't tell you if he is that kind or not. Many guys will claim to be this way, but few can stay that way when it comes down to it for real. The only way to find out is to go for it.
Either way, don't be afraid to tell him. He would want to know, and the only way he would look down on you for it would be if you told him after, not before.
Still, whatever happens, remaining a virign until marriage is not the end of the world, nor is losing it to a great guy now. Be comfortable in your skin, try to do right, and everything should work out.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 August 2010): Actually I wouldn't be surprised if he loved the fact that you are a virgin and were his first. A lot of guys prefer thier girls 'pure'.
...............................
A
female
reader, tennisstar88 +, writes (6 August 2010):
 Men love virgins, there's just that satisfaction they get from being your first. If ur really into him and at 29 ur probably looking to settle down then I would be honest and tell him u want to but only when ur ready to..and its going to hurt, so if u tell him to stop he will. But Good Luck and use a lil lube!
...............................
A
female
reader, Moo's Mum +, writes (6 August 2010):
I don't understand why society is so against virginity. Everyone is a virgin at some time and good on you for keeping it for someone you felt deserved it. Don't feel ashamed it's a great and wonderful thing now days.
Have great sex!!!
...............................
A
female
reader, kglo  +, writes (6 August 2010):
this guy seems like a nice guy and a keeper, im sure he will not think of you any differently after all its better that telling him you've slept around. From experience i think it is something you should tell him, i made the mistake of not telling my ex and well it ended badly (he was a jerk) being a virgin makes your first time even more special for him just explain you waited for the right person and that person is him, it will make him feel special!
...............................
A
female
reader, Dear Fae...xx +, writes (6 August 2010):
First of all it sounds like you two are really hitting it off :) I think the best way to do it is just come out with it basically. I know it is a very sensitive subject and different people have different views on the situation but, i think if u just tell him truthfully that you never found the right person, you wanted it to be special and that you have finally found the right person for you. I think its really romantic, and i think he would feel the same as it is a very personal expression of love and he would know that u feel that with him :)
i hope this has helped :)
Fae
xx
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (6 August 2010): 1st, don't have sex with him until you are married, the gift of a sex is a precious thing. Tell him, and tell him you are waiting for marriage. See his response. Don't have sex with him at all if he is not willing to marry you. Peroid. Quit all the other stuff.
A true gentleman wouldnt be touching you anyways if he was seeking marriage. Dump him. A guy who wants a lady who is commited to him. If he truely loves you, then whether or not you have had sex is irrelavant. And I wouldn't tell him, it is none of his business, until the wedding night. Tell him that you have had sex with two or three guys, to see if he is out for something other than a "score", and see if he is interested in you as a person. If he LOVES you, then he will LOVE YOU for your beauty from withen. To me, that is the most important thing, the inner beauty, the character.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 August 2010): Make sure first that he IS the right man, and don't do anything you are not comfortable with. Make sure he is worthy of you, and if he got pushy the slightest then cut off with him completely. If he kept being persistent then report him to the police. However I admire how sane and self-respectful you are. I am sure that you'd be able to judge if he really deserves you or not. He sounds like a total creep to me to be honest, so take care of yourself and tell his boss or the police if he ever crossed the line. Stalkers like this shall always be kept at bay.
Debbie
...............................
A
male
reader, Danielepew  +, writes (6 August 2010):
 He will love you!
...............................
A
female
reader, almc  +, writes (6 August 2010):
I think its nothing you should hide, or be scared, that is a great thing, you need to tell him what you just told me. Every world. If he cares for you he will understand, but maybe right now is just not the time. Wait a bit longer, do some four play with each other, and in a few months/ a bit and you know that you love him and he loves you then maybe tell him. But don't wait to long, and if he asks, tell him, don't lie anbout anything. Well good luck. Let us know how it goes in then endd :) wish you both the best.
...............................
A
female
reader, BluntLove +, writes (6 August 2010):
I'll be blunt. If a guy really likes you, for who you are and for what he feels you have to offer him, then it won't matter if you are a virgin or not. If he wants to wait too it means he really values you and wants you both to get to a good place emotionally before you get involved physically and get the emotional side mixed up. He may think it's odd at first, but if he really likes you, he'll feel honored that you chose him to share this experience. Just don't make it feel like this is the greatest moment of your life and he has to fulfill all of your dreams, because lets face it every guy probably feels a lot of pressure that first time he has sex with a girl anyway. Plus, since you won't have anything to compare it too, he gets to be the first - what guy doesn't want to be a first?
So take each day at a time, and when that time comes when you guys are ready to get physical, just casually mention it. Like "listen, this isn't a big deal but this is my first time. I never felt comfortable with anyone in the past to get to that point. But i feel comfortable with you and I'm ready. So please take it easy with me" - or something along those lines. And hey if he gets freaked out then he's not a guy that you'd ever want to be with in the long run anyway. If he's a keeper, he'll cherish that moment.
...............................
|
