A
female
age
36-40,
*mino
writes:I'm just 22 yr old virgin whose never dated, and would prefer waiting to have sex until around the 6th or 7th month in a (long term) relationship. But it seems most men can only wait for 3 weeks. I actually wanted to wait until marriage, but as I got older decided to cut some slack on the time frame.Maybe I'm being unreasonable, I've been told that. I don't think of sex like its some sort of fancy handshake. Its a very emotional step for me to take.The idea of offering sex too early, and then being dumped, would in my mind translate to being used. But then seeing the guy I'm with going out of his way to get sex elsewhere (even though he might've agreed with waiting) will make me feel like an idiot :(I've considered just becoming celibate because all the guys I've been attracted to weren't the type who wanted to wait.This isn't for religious reasons, and I'm not religious anyway, so dating someone whose super religious isn't really an option.Am I making a huge mistake?
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female
reader, cassnadrajones +, writes (8 May 2011):
my husband and i waited 2 years. my first time was our honeymoon and it was perfect. when we got engaged i started giving him hand-jobs but other than that we next had actual sex. he was hard to find but the person of your dreams is out there and willing to wait!
A
female
reader, Amino +, writes (7 May 2011):
Amino is verified as being by the original poster of the question Sorry everyone, I took so long to respond...Thanks! I appreciate the time you all took to comment!
To Odds:
You brought up a point about the more attractive the guy is, the more options he has. Ironically, I have a tendency of being attracted to the more attractive guys :( And I've tried forcing myself to change who I was attracted to a year ago, and it didn't work out very well. It just feels like Im setting myself up for failure either way.
I always found it to be a challenge re-evaluating my standards, cause honestly I only have 4. But they all seem mutually exclusive...
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I don't want it to seem like I'm punishing the guy from witholding intimacy. And I know the time frame thing sounds ridiculous. But because I like to take any relationship slowly, it'll probably be months before I can say sex is okay.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (6 May 2011):
 I wouldn't "lower" my standards one bit, if I were you.
I don't think 5-7 months is too long before sex, AT ALL. Though I wouldn't rigidly stick by it, sometimes you just know. But if a guy is telling you that he isn't going to stick around that long.. He won't stick around very long AFTER you guys have sex either.
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A
female
reader, Jadedink  +, writes (6 May 2011):
Yea most guys don't wait and there's nothing wrong with you if they go looking somewhere else... I've been where you are only I got pressured into it twice, and even so one of them got sex elsewhere anyways and one was just horrible because he only got his pleasure out of it... The latter one kept asking and pushing my boundaries every day for 4 months till I gave up fighting... I felt horrible, but now I'm with an amazing man and have been for a year and a half... I told him o wanted to wait for sex that I wasn't ready when we first got that hot and heavy and he just said okay and then stopped and just cuddled me all night... Not once did his hands wander too far or did he ask if I was ready... 9 months later I was ready and it was amazing and it's still amazing ever time!
Bottom line, if he is t willing to wait he doesn't actually like you.
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A
male
reader, serenity80  +, writes (6 May 2011):
I don't think it's true that "most men can only wait for 3 weeks." You should continue looking and stick to your morals and values, you'll soon enough find someone who has similar ones to yourself.
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A
male
reader, Odds +, writes (6 May 2011):
 You're not making a mistake, you're paying the natural consequences of your choices. Same principle as the girls who put out early and get used. Every choice has consequences, good and bad.
Personally, I'd wait a few months, and have. It partly depends on the girl (how nice she is, how hot, how fun to be around with clothes on, how likely it is she's going to turn into a sexual dynamo once the floodgates are open), but it mostly depends on the guy. If the guy has lots of options - and the more attractive he is, the more options he has - he's not going to wait unless his morals dictate that he do. It's mostly religious guys who have that particular set of morals, though. At the same time, a guy with options isn't going to get attached to the girl who puts out early, either.
Whether or not the guy has options has a much larger effect than how great a girlfriend you'd make, because it's not hard to find decent girlfriend material. And as long as you live in a time and place where girls put out early to attractive guys, those guys will continue to have options. Why should they wait? Why should they date a girl just because she puts out early?
The payoff for the girls who put out early is easy sex with guys out of their league. The consequence for them is emotional pain, reduced ability to bond with any one guy, and getting labelled as sluts, which can negatively affect any relationships they do manage to get into. The payoff for not putting out early is stronger bonding with the man you eventually do end up with, and being more desireable for marriage or long-term commitment. The consequence that getting that first relationship takes active, diligent effort.
The fastest solution would be to lower your standards. Your third-from-last sentence suggests that it may be worth examining your standards and comparing them to what you have to offer. The more long-term solution would be to seek out guys with morals against having sex early on. I don't know of any large gatherings of men with those morals outside of religious groups, so someone else will have to suggest those if they even exist. You'll want to start early, and you'll want to be the first to approach and flirt openly. Those kinds of guys get snapped up fast, so you cannot afford to wait for them to approach you. Good luck.
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A
female
reader, comeonjesusthishurtstoomuch +, writes (6 May 2011):
 I believe you are selling yourself short by cutting down your time expectations. If he is the man you will be with for life he can wait until i do. Ask yourself this if he can't wait for sex is forever possible? Along with sex is baggage you don't need. Take it from one who knows. Don't let anyone use you. You are completely on base you need no advice. You've got this!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 May 2011): Waiting for the right person is a personal choice for many that is neither right nor wrong. You are 22 years old and you are a virgin and there's 100% NOTHING to be ashamed of for that. In fact, I applaud your will power; I wish I had that when I was 17 and dating a total douche bag.
Anyway... I'm not going to pretend I'm an expert at this stuff because I'm not, I just happen to have some experience under my belt. What I am going to suggest, however, is to reconsider the men you seem attracted to. Perhaps your attraction to the proverbial "tool/player" stems from a younger you but now you want a man. You do NOT want a boy. And we all know what boys are after.
I wouldn't necessarily suggest going celibate (unless that's what you truly, personally want). I understand that sex is something to be enjoyed and passionate about and committing such a sacred act with the one you'd like to spend the rest of your life with. If you don't lose your virginity until you're 30, who cares? At least you will have found a man who wants to be with you forever and you won't regret who you lost it to. Like most women do, unfortunately.
In other words, don't bring yourself down and don't let those douche bags out there get the better of you. You don't want to lose it during a one night stand (I know someone who's done that). Keep your head held up high and keep looking for Mr. Right. You're still VERY young, you'll find him soon enough. =]
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A
female
reader, sneha09  +, writes (6 May 2011):
 Well I don't think so,its not about waiting.I think its about faith,how much you can put the trust on your partner,thats what matter.If you trust your partner and there is well going on between you 2, go for it and to put your trust on somebody by understanding all in him,I think this much time is needed.So be positive,don't rush into anything by letting anyone run over you.Most guy would want this from you,but don't give them as you will find someone of your type.I have had same experience like you and good to see I am not alone.To me sex is a part of love not its reason.So wait until you find someone who really worth it.
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