A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:So,I'm slightly confused if this girl is playing mind games with me, or it's just how she is and i should just relax and accept this is how she is. i do find myself over analyzing things quite often.Firstly, we have known each other for 2-3 years, i have always liked her, but for the first 2 years i had a girlfriend.Now i'm single i have started getting closer to this girl. she has confirmed that she doesn't want a relationship, because she feels shes too 'used to being single' and is too independent and doesn't like feeling like she 'has to' do anything, yet she misses me if she doesn't see or speak to me for a few days.However we had sex 4 months ago, and since then we have been texting, seeing each other, went round hers a few times and cuddled in bed etc. we then started to kiss every time we saw each other and flirting etc, which felt like a relationship.She then went really off with me and for a few days.a month ago she suddenly decided she wanted to be just friends again cos she didn't want to complicate things and it was too 'intense' and we don't have time for a relationship (as we're so near the end of university) and theres no point starting anything serious.so i ignored her for 3-4 days and when i saw her i wasn't friendly towards her. which she didn't like at all. Then we talked things through and decided that despite not having time for a relationship, we could just continue whatever we were doing but casually. I told her i don't do mind games, and i like her alot. but i would rather have something with her that nothing at all, but i don't want to be 'just friends'Since then she's come round once, and we were really cuddley in bed, which again felt like we were a couple. However we didn't have sex, because it became awkward when she said she doesn't like foreplay at all?!?!(the time we had sex we were both drunk, and she seems to have some issues with insecurity. wanted the lights off etc) we fondelled around though, like 'dry sex' (is this her playing games?) She told me she would stay round again a few days later. so i was very happy!However, she went to a gig the day before and stayed at her guy mate's house, and then said she was going to the theatre with him so she couldn't come round. i know he fancies her, but i got fucked around by my ex because i was so jealous. and not sure if i'm in a position to say anything. so just said i hope she has fun and kept calm.She then didn't contact me for 2 days, so i assumed she was being weird with me again, like she was before she decided she wanted to be 'just friends'.Though while i was getting worried, she then came to see me and was totally normal and kissed me again and was very flirty, so i thought to myself why the hell was i worrying.Now is it just me being over analytical of everything and thinking she's being 'off' each time she doesn't contact me, or is she just playing with my head? because one day she'll see me and is very flirty and kisses me etc, and the next she'll reply very bluntly or not contact me. she does things like say she'll 'talk later' and then doesn't. and seems alot of the time too busy to talk to me. Though she is actually the busiest person i've ever met, always doing things.What is my relationship with her? because she's clearly not my girlfriend. even though some things we do i'd say only couples do. she said she'd be annoyed if i got with anyone else before.friends with benefits? though we have only had sex once. though we kiss and hug almost everytime we see eachother.and were not just friends, because what friends kiss and see eachother and text everyday or so?i feel very confused alot of the time where i stand.She has said before that she is also very confused, which is one of the reasons she's so 'hot and cold'but i don't want to bring any of this up in conversation to her because she moaned that i was being too intense before (even though i only msg her once every 1-2 days)And i try to just play it cool and not pester her for attention, but i really like her! alot!she is like my perfect girl, other than the fact she seems to have serious commitment issues.x
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Tisha-1  +, writes (6 May 2011):
 She sounds like she isn't really ready for a committed relationship. Listen to her and don't expect too much. I know she seems like your perfect girl but if you really examine this you are projecting what you want onto her flawed reality; she's got her own mixed up agenda that probably isn't in line with your own.
Sorry that some relationships aren't balanced and mutually enjoyable. She has made it really clear that she doesn't want an official relationship with you. If you are content with the occasional cuddle then stick around. If you want more from then I think you need to realize you are not going to be happy in this. She's not girlfriend material for you right now. Sorry about that for you.
Take care.
A
female
reader, jaimmorr +, writes (6 May 2011):
To me, it sounds like she is not looking for anything serious or long term, but she still wants you there as her "rock". She wants you to be there for her when she feels like it or when it's convenient for her. If I were you, I would sit her down and talk to her about how this is making you feel; Confused. Good luck...
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A
male
reader, Kilcardy +, writes (6 May 2011):
Oh brother...it shouldn't be this difficult. It sounds to me as if she wants her cake and eat it too. She plays around with you when she feels like it. Goes off with other guys when it suits her. She is calling the tune, and you are dancing to it like a puppet on a string. Your problem is you like her a lot, and she knows it. And, while she is flattered by the attention, she really has no intention of reciprocating those feelings or committing to a relationship with you in any real sense of the word. So, what are you doing? In my opinion, you're wasting your time and your heart is going to get ripped out eventually. Healthy relationships are not based on head games and ignoring each other to get a rise out of the other person. That's pathological. I would get out now before it gets really difficult for you. Good luck.
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