A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Its becoming more and more apparent everyday that im going to be the only one where I live who is still a virgin. Day by day the chances for me to find a woman who has the same values as me is dwindling. It would be a real bonus I found someone who hasn't yet explored that aspect of life so that we together can discover sex. Yet I do realize that in reality im going to be the only one in a relationship who is going to be clueless in the bedroom and the only thing I can think of as this being a positive is that I don't feel obligated to perform my first time. This begs the question: Should I be the one to expect more out of a woman who is experienced, and if my first time isn't what I expected do I have every right to blame her for not being good?
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female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (12 February 2012):
 It's okay to get scared for the first time. However being completely freaked out doesn't sound normal. Have you perhaps got something else that you are scared of? What about sex scared you so much?
And, if she was your girlfriend, what happened after you left? Did you break up because of it, or did you continue the relationship? Maybe you rushed for it too fast, or maybe there weren't any real emotions there?
My thought is that if you have care and devotion to each other, and trust, then you will not be scared. But if you have built up a lot of thoughts about sex, not necessarily realistic thoughts even, then that could contribute to your fear of it.
This could perhaps be something that you could talk to a therapist about, a fear of sex, what you think about it, and what you expect can happen when you find a girlfriend again and you get to that level.
I've been seeing several men who couldn't get it up, or who couldn't stay up. They weren't virgins either. But my point is that it is a normal reaction for many men. Perhaps they feel pressure, or they are nervous, and then these things happen.
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (12 February 2012):
 Don't feel bad. It happens , and quite often. A simple case of stage fright :). Maybe you weren't ready yet.
Don't feel that you MUST perform for whatever reason ( you are home alone only that night and you must catch that chance, you have decided you must lose your virginity within a certain date, etc. ), that creates anxiety.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 February 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI already have had a real life situation and it didn't turn out well. Long story short the last girlfriend I had we tried to have sex but I was scared(On a scale from 1-10 I was a 20) and couldn't get it up so I freaked out and left. :(
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A
male
reader, Deathbunny +, writes (11 February 2012):
Dude! Two virgins going at it--or a virgin male and an uncommunicative non-virgin woman--is like a recipe for rashes, burns, bleeding, pain, and perpetual angst."[S]omeone who hasn't yet explored that aspect of life so that we together can discover sex." sounds like a recipe for confusion, at the very least.So, that said, if you intend on chasing another virgin, take a sexuality class first. You'll get some of the mechanics down, probably hear about something of how bodies respond sexually, and not have to figure out the hard way how everything works in the dark, in the backseat of a car, with another amateur who is gritting her teeth the entire time EXPECTING it to hurt."Should I be the one to expect more out of a woman who is experienced, and if my first time isn't what I expected do I have every right to blame her for not being good?"Wow.Um... You can blame anyone you want, but the first time--experienced partner or not--is probably going to be confusing, too fast or too slow, semi-painful, and just plain amateur regardless. And--if you start handing out blame--you're unlikely to get the opportunity to practice and improve.The reason people like Chigirl say:"Sex is between two people who care for each other. Sex is a way to show care, love, and gentleness. Sex is an extension of a hug. When you hug someone you hug them because it feels good, because you like them, and you enjoy the closeness. You don't hug someone and then worry if you performed the hug well, or think that if a person has hugged before they should blow your mind away with their hugs. Doesn't work like that."Is because two people who care for each other are more likely to pay attention to each other, learn what works with that partners, and make things good for each other. Blame is about useless because it removes cooperation and sex--decent sex, anyway--is all about cooperation at some level. Otherwise, go pay for a prostitute.Finally..."Day by day the chances for me to find a woman who has the same values as me is dwindling. It would be a real bonus I found someone who hasn't yet explored that aspect of life so that we together can discover sex."If not having your values is a deal-breaker, you need to start looking for women with your values. If they are religiously derived, start with your church or another of the same denomination. If they're derived some other way, look where people self-select for those values. Otherwise, you're not likely to simply run into someone in this culture that's going to have your same values.Remember, sex--like most of human life--has a learning component and it's not easy at first when no one has a clue. Blame at your own risk, but remember that blaming antagonizes people and often makes you think you don't have to cooperate which is a Grade A Failure in most sexual relationships. Expect to learn and keep an open mind...Good luck.
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A
female
reader, chigirl +, writes (11 February 2012):
No, you don't have any right to expect anything. Same as no one has any right to expect anything out of you. The way you think and talk about sex isn't what sex really is. You talk about sex as if it's some service you provide. That with experience one should be "better" and "perform". But no, having sex isn't a job you do, that you perfect and get better at and then climb the ladder of success.
Sex is between two people who care for each other. Sex is a way to show care, love, and gentleness. Sex is an extension of a hug. When you hug someone you hug them because it feels good, because you like them, and you enjoy the closeness. You don't hug someone and then worry if you performed the hug well, or think that if a person has hugged before they should blow your mind away with their hugs. Doesn't work like that.
If you care for each other and want to be close, enjoy the intimacy and want to please each other as well as your selves.. then it'll be good. Experience has nothing at all to do with it. Sex isn't about a performance... Sex is about love and care and intimacy.
It is no ones responsibility to perform, and there is no expectations. If you are with a more experience woman then she might take control. But she might also not, because that completely depends on her personality and whether she is dominant in bed or the opposite: one of the dreaded mattresses.
In the end all of this is hypothetical, and you'll find out soon enough when you face a real life situation.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (11 February 2012):
Yes, she'll probably take control, and she'll know what to do better than you do. Not out of responsibility or obligation, just because that's the way these things go, it's more about .. sharing sexual knowledge, let's say.
That STILL does not grant you a perfect, or even a plasant, first time or first times. Don't worry, it's like dancing- it takes a little while to synchronize your steps.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 February 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWhat if I actually found someone I cared about and say that she has had 3 partners before me. And a good while into the relationship we decide its time to take our relationship further and have sex. Would you say it would be her responsibility to take control for the first few times at least.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (11 February 2012):
Obviously not.
Sex is not a matter of mechanics, insert piece A into piece B at the speed of X, repeat Y times and an uniform perfect result will be produced every time, there are a lot of variables, mostly of psychological nature.
For instance, a first time with a new lover, virgin or not, generally sucks, regardless. Why ? because people do not know each other that well, have still to find their " groove ", what works for both as a couple, there still is not a lot of mutual ease and confidence, it comes with time, or at least with a few tries.
Then, let me assure you that your first time... won't last very long, lol, maybe less than a minute, I could bet on that, ..and that won't be her fault... just the novelty of the thing .
Then, you might be disappointed just because you had unrealistic expectations,coming from porn movies or your friends' tales. Or because you are in love and she is not, or viceversa . Or, because you are nervous and won't allow yourself to let go and feel the experience to the max.
There may be thuousands of possible psychological factors to make it a not stellar first time, for you or her or both. Or...it may be amazing and perfect, you never know :)
In any case, why even talking about blame ? Once you start bringing blame into the bedroom, the fun goes out immediately.
Just relax and let it happen, maybe the first time won't be spectacular, but ..all you've got to do is practice practice practice.
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A
female
reader, LovelyLemon +, writes (11 February 2012):
 It seems as though you have a very negative perspective on sex. It is true that many people are not virgins by the time that they are in your age group, but they do exist. More important than finding a girl who is a virgin is finding a girl who you genuinely care about. Having a meaningless fling, and also the pressure of it being your first time, will most likely leave you feeling unfulfilled to begin with.Just to let you in on something, your first time is not like in the movies. You are going to feel strange, naked, fumbling around trying to find your way. You may not be able to "perform" like you would hope, but this will change with practice. Lastly, no, you cannot blame the woman you are with for not having a good first experience. I can almost guarantee that your first time will be much better if you share it with someone you care about, virgin or not, instead of someone who seems like a good candidate. Much love and Best wishes
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