A
female
age
30-35,
*ma xxx
writes:My new partner is really lovely and kind to me but i recently found out in his past relationship he was really violent and abusive. Do you think he will be the same with me or do you think he has changed?
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 June 2009): Thanks everyone for you advice i really needed it and you have all opened my eyes and made me think long and hard about what im going thank you xxx
A
female
reader, TasteofIndia  +, writes (10 June 2009):
 I would just ditch him now. Personally, I just wouldn't take my chances of getting wooed by him, falling for him and getting trapped. That's what abusive men are best at - charming you and getting you emotionally attached... then their true colors begin to show.
I'm not saying that the guy can't change, maybe he did. But the chances of that are slim - did he get major counseling between then and now? What exactly has he done in life to become a changed man? I would just not even take my chances, girlfriend, I would protect yourself from even the chance of getting into a potentially shitty, dangerous situation... just skip this guy and move onto a fella with a better track record.
If you do end up staying with him, be extremely careful and don't give him the ol' three strikes, you're out. One strike. It's over.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 June 2009): Do you really think he's going to be violent towards you at the start of a relationship? No way! girls will run a mile. Most violent men wait till the girls fall in love before bringing out their true colours. What makes you think your so diffrent from the other girl he abused? Nothing apart from the knowledge you know he abused his ex and you know what to expect. Leave him and find a guy who dosen't have this warning sign over his head.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 June 2009): hiya im the one who wrote the post thanks for all you comments iv looked at the link hiddenhurt and found the information to be very useful some of the abusive signs i do recognise and now im worried this relationship will turn out bad its really hard to think what im going to do next on 1 hand i really like him and want to belive he has changed but on the other hand i dont want to risk falling into an abusive relationship will i be setting my self up for a fall
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 June 2009): What were the circumstances after his abusive past? Did he seek help? Has he worked on himself outside of a relationship first showing a commitment to the future to change? Look at this before you make your mind up as it might help you decide whether you will suffer the same fate... http://www.hiddenhurt.co.uk/Abuser/signs.htm Remember you are not here in life to 'fix' people like that or give them yet another chance to change. I would say this man is a risk.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 June 2009): i think your need to be careful and dont rush into things befor you no what hes realy like i hope for you he has changed
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A
female
reader, *problems* +, writes (10 June 2009):
 a violent relationship is the last thing you want! speak to him about it!,there might be a reason, and though you say you didnt find out from him, its best to ask him about it im not making up exuses for a violent person! but his ex could have been violent too! now hes in a new relationship with you! he may have moved on from that! but if its worrying you , really you need to speak to him! if theres any signs at all that you think he wil be violent towards you think of your safety and leave xxx
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A
female
reader, Emilysanswers +, writes (10 June 2009):
It can be that some relationships bring out our bad side and others don't.
Give him a chance but take it very very slow. No moving in together and make sure you are VERY careful about using condoms.
It could be that his true colours come out later in the relationship. I know a guy who is AWFUL to his wife and he's incredibly lovely and charming.
Be very careful and at the FIRST sign of trouble, get out of there. DO NOT assume it was a one off and give him an excuse for doing it. (but he was drunk, but I yelled at him, but he's really stressed with work...)
Good Luck!! xx
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A
female
reader, ilovebowsandcherries +, writes (10 June 2009):
 You never know hun but i wouldn't risk this at all./one trigger of something wrong and it could all go wrong.you are better off perhaps staying clear of this relationship and finding someone you know you won't have to tip toe around and walk on egg shells constantlybecause if this is his past would you be really comfortable taking care about everything you say to him making sure he doesn't snap at you?it's not a great life to lead.you are still young and need to be careful.people never really change they try to get better but one wrong thing said and it could all come crashing down.Hope this helps.
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