A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hi,I met a girl over the internet, and things have been going really well. We know a lot about each other, we've chatted for hours a day, and talked on the phone together on a few occasions. Last week we arranged to meet up this Thursday. Was really looking forward to it, and even got her a little present. But when I mentioned it last night whilst saying goodnight, I got a text from her saying she was really nervous about Thursday and wanted to wait.I was gutted, and still am. This feels like a huge step in the wrong direction if we're looking to ever reach the next level. Her reason for canceling is that she's had bad experiences when meeting guys off of the internet. I understand she needs time, but sadly that time is at my expense. How much longer should I wait for somebody who isn't ready to meet me? I feel like I might be wasting my time, and that's such a shame, because I was very excited and happy about the idea of meeting her.What should I do?
View related questions:
my ex, text, the internet Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, Thecomedian  +, writes (17 July 2012):
I came late to the party. Did you know that there's an article in a psych mag that pretty much details how both men and women want one thing in a mental checklist, but are drawn to things that dont even match? true story. Its why the phrase "why cant I meet a nice guy" exists.
Why this is important is that she probably feels a connection to you, which is why she's speaking at all, but probably also is more attracted to someone else.
The number one rule for anything, and I mean anything, in human relationships is this: If a person wants to do something, they'd do it. If she wanted to meet, she'd try to make it work out. If she isn't willing to do any of the work, it means she's not that interested.
A
female
reader, ilovebowsandcherries +, writes (15 June 2009):
 hun this experience she said she has had...if she met with several guys and slept with them all so quickly then why did she do that first time around?shouldn't she have learnt from that first time....?i'm not having a go or calling her anything but now she's lost trust in guys and feels it'll happen with you which clearly isn't what you're going to do but because she's done this so many times and it's happened so many times that she doesn't want to meet you should this happen.i mean why did she sleep with them so quickly first time...?if the first one fair enough but several???seems a bit silly shouldn't she have learnt from the first one.....????its just clearly you want to meet her but can#t because she's always got this fear of paranoia and that's never going to go away really it's always going to be there no matter what happens.whether your the guy or whether it's the next guy.i mean she's obviously not over this experience and won't be for a long time so my guess is to just maybe leave it for now....i know you really like her but with her constant paranoia about whether your ignoring her or anything.... and it's long distance so whose to say she'll not be thinking whose he with?why isn't he online?that kind of stuff....be a bit suffocating.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 June 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI spoke with her a few days ago. Apparently her bad experiences come from a time where, in the space of a couple of months, met several guys off of the same website we met. In each case, they slept with her and never spoke to her again. I understand her issues with trust now.
Conversation hasn't been much better since then. Rare texts, which only seem to happen in the first place because I sent one first. She said she'd be online today, but I haven't seen her so far. I've sworn to myself not to text her all day, unless she contacts me first.
Where do I go from here? What should I do if I hear nothing? Give her another chance, or forget about her?
It's still very frustrating that it's come to this. I had a good feeling about her. I even bought her a little gift that I planned to give her on thursday, now it's just sitting in my car boot and I don't know if I'll ever get the chance to give her it. I'm so disappointed.
...............................
A
female
reader, mimisoph3 +, writes (11 June 2009):
 aww dont say that..ur too good for it.but u gotta look at the good side shes not worth it.its her lost,ur way to honest and good and she just played you maybe she felt lonely and now she realized that she liked someone else and she just let u down.if i were u i wouldnt reply on her messages unless its something meaningful and if its not then dont bother cuz all ur gonna do is get more hurt
there is a girl out there for u,i dont think its her though cuz if she did like u then she would have wanted to meet u a long time ago.dont stress about it.go on a date ask ur bud friends and ask if they know a girl they can hook u up wit or something
but u shouldnt stress,worry or cry over her shes totally not worth it
...............................
A
female
reader, ilovebowsandcherries +, writes (11 June 2009):
aww sweety!! you'll get someone you deserve!!
you totally deserve someone really special
and if she's doing this then it's not really fair on you to be honest.
i mean i'm like you i try to find a really decent guy but i don't ever get the nice one always the nasty ones and you're right all the sleezy guys and girls get whom they want.
and then theres people like you and me left to struggle.
ask her again about meeting up if she refuses again then i'd just let it go and try and find someone who really does want to be with you and meet up with you.
it'll put you out of your misery and help you move on because right now i bet you're feeling there is hope and you don't want to let it go if there is something right?
so you're not moving on at all because you're still holding onto that bit of hope.
am i right?
but try meeting again if she cancels then i think you should definately try and move on and find someone who will be worth meeting who actually will meet you too and not build up your hopes to shatter them.
Hope this helps. sorry if i sounded rude or harsh wasn't intentional :)
xx best of luck xx
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 June 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionLast night was a little rough. Went to a club with friends. By the end of the night I'd had too much to drink, a sore stomach and was very tired. At that point in the evening I started noticing all the couples together, and it reminded me that being with someone is something that I want. It became a little hard to accept that there's someone out there I like, and who says she likes me and yet I can't have her. All the while there are thousands of sleazy guys who get all the women they want. I think I'm a nice guy, and yet nothing ever happens for me. All I want is somebody to offer my affection to. I have a lot of love to give, and nobody to give it to. This is horrible.
I sent her a message this morning to try and find out whether she think there's anyway back to where we were. It's so stupid! If she hadn't lost her nerve we would have had a great time today, and now it looks like everything is ruined!
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 June 2009): I'm sorry, I sounded WAY more harsh than intended, I apologize. But really, I was 13, and I met up with a guy I didn't know. Nothing ended up happening but it was far too close to it for my liking.
All I truly meant was to warn you that if her past is as messed up as I imagine, then she deserves to freak out a bit. I'm sorry that it's at your expense, but this girl could be scarred!
Be careful with her. Sometimes girls with a history are especially fragile--I know I am. When I first read this I interpretted it the wrong way. Sorry.
And if you've been alone so long, then I'm very sorry. Further, I'm sorry that even I think you should give up after 3 attempts. I sincerely wish you luck,
-GG
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 June 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for your continued advice, Ilovebowsandcherries. I will take your words into account, and be sure to keep you updated.
...............................
A
female
reader, ilovebowsandcherries +, writes (10 June 2009):
i just think she's trying to let you down politely she does not want to seem rude or mean.
she wants to let you down gently.
by saying she will meet up and then making an exucse.
to be honest i don't think she has any intention of meeting you but likes the fact you like her and she likes you its a simple online fairytale for her and i guess she doesn't want it to go any further she wants her fairy tale where she actually lives rather than away.
If that makes sense.
i mean you are a genuine guy and obviously really like her but maybe this isn't the girl for you if she keeps putting off meeting you something isn't working for her and she doesn't want to actually spell it to you she wants to let you down gently and in a way you that you won't end up hating her.
I hope this helps sweety.
you deserve so much :)
x
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 June 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for all the advice. I'd just like to address one post:
GoGreen126, I don't appreciate you telling me that I have no respect for her. Whenever you said "I think you're being self-centered. What's your hurry? You need to get in her pants that badly or something?" that struck a nerve with me. I'm not simply trying to get into her pants!!
I genuinely like this girl. It's not very often that I meet a girl who I share so much in common with. I've been alone for a long time now, and I truly feel that when we meet up (somewhere very public) (We arranged to meet in the town center initially. How much more public could it possibly be?), we will get on very well indeed. This is what is so disappointing. There's a girl out there that I know I'm compatible with, and is too scared to have lunch with me. There are going to be other girls out there who I will be compatible with, and will meet with me. I will not wait forever for somebody who I haven't met face to face with.
Furthermore, she eventually decided that she was "ready" to meet me. I didn't push her into it. In fact, I said that we wouldn't even discuss it until I knew she was ready. When she said she was, I thought "Yay! A chance to get to know eachother in person", then less than 48 hours before, I get my hopes dashed.
I don't want to be too hard on her, but honestly, how long am I suppose to wait?
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 June 2009): Something similar just happened to me and all I can tell you is be careful you dont waste too much time because even though you've never met her you dont want to be the one that gets hurt. I got introduced to a guy through a friend. He seemed to be really nice and texted me constantly for a month. In the past week I havent heard anything from him so my friend got in touch with him and he told her that I was lovely but that it was starting to feel like we were in a relationship and that I was putting time constraints on him that if I didnt hear back from him I would be texting saying whats wrong, where are you bla bla bla. I did this once, he used to text me every day and then I didnt hear from him for a week so I text and asked was he ok and that I was a big girl if he didnt wanna text anymore just let me know. He asked her if she was still single (she met him through her ex boyfriend who is his best friend) and when she said yes he said why are you trying to set me up with someone else when we are both single, do you wanna meet for coffee? So all I am saying is this guy led me to believe that he really liked me, then just stopped texting me. I believe if someone likes you they will want to meet you as soon as possible so dont let it go on for too long or you could end up getting hurt out of it. Sorry!
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 June 2009): I'm one of those girls with a messed up past of meeting guys on the Internet. I'm only 15, and when I was 13, I met a guy online. A friend-of-a-friend. I think you're lucky she agreed to meet up with you at all because I would be terrified and say flat out no. I think by posting this question, you're saying you don't respect her enough to wait a few weeks.She's wasting your time? Maybe. But think how hard that could be for someone like her. Patience is a virtue. If she's a nice girl, maybe she knows that these Internet-men don't take her seriously enough. Please understand that she's not in the best of places and she deserves the wait on your part in my opinion.I think you're being self-centered. What's your hurry? You need to get in her pants that badly or something? Please just wait a bit for her. Support her. Realize that she's scared and be there for her, not trashing her to people you don't know online.Wishing you the best of luck,-GG
...............................
A
female
reader, Emilysanswers +, writes (10 June 2009):
Ask her when she would like to reschedule.
Where were you going to meet? Make sure it is in a public place and even tell her to bring a friend and you'll bring a friend.
Make her feel safe and in control.
There are a lot of strange men about so you can't blame the poor girl if she's been messed about with in the past.
Give her a little while and make compromises.
Good Luck!! xx
...............................
A
female
reader, ilovebowsandcherries +, writes (10 June 2009):
Hun i don't think she does want to meet you.she says she does and its her experience but i think in some ways she is waiting for someone eho lives close by to her to take an interest in her.i was like this with a long distance guy but i kept putting it off because i was hoping i would get with a guy a bit closer to home.i kept making excuses.you are better off out of this to be honest hun.you can't keep waiting around forever for her she will just keep putting off for as long as she can.Hope this helps.x
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 June 2009): Do you know what kind of bad experiences? If she is worried about safety you could arrange to meet daytime in a very public place. If she's just met people who she didn't like well that is the luck of the draw and she needs to take a chance. Maybe you could talk about these things on the phone.
...............................
A
female
reader, mimisoph3 +, writes (10 June 2009):
maybe shes hidding something or doesnt act right when u meet her in person. ask her again for next week and if she cant do it.then just tell her hey look i think i like u and i want to get to know u more i understand ur shy but i am too just take the chance and if u dont want to tell me cuz i dont want to waist my time.now u can say something diffrent but if it comes to something like this.i mean i am sure u dont want to be stuck home trying to get this girl to go out wit u and theres way more girls out there. maybe she saw u somewhere saw that u were really cute and was nervous cuz she might mess something up.
dont wait too long for her because u guys will get sick of each other and the phone calls and messages will come rarely and u guys will lose intrest in each other becuase u run out of things to say.so dont wait to long good luck
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 June 2009): give her the time she needs, theres no rush is there?
...............................
|
