A
male
age
41-50,
*ebow82
writes:We've been together 9 months. She's been living in my house most of the time, where I pretty much pay for everything. She has spoken several times about marriage and expects to be engaged sometime in the next year. I love her, and i like the thought of this but there are many red flags. I work extremely hard to afford what I have, and she contributes little to nothing. She is not very mature in some ways, and has a complex where she is highly dependent on others without realizing it. She also has tendencies to be a total bitch for any reason she can think of at times. We have arguments now and then, and I've seriously asked her to leave and spend time away from me, and whenever I do she starts threatening me with things like "I'm never coming back!" or that she will say stuff about me on facebook... I'm not afraid of anything she might do, but somehow we always end up making up and forgetting about it. I do the best I can to talk about issues between us and get her to open up, and it even seems to be helping, but then there's always times where it feels like I'm getting nowhere. She has very low self-esteem and is very unhappy. Shes been with a lot of losers and it has given her a bad attitude. I want to instill a higher self-esteem in her but I don't know if its possible or worthwile. I just want her to be happy. She is going for an online B.S. degree, and i am helping with the homework. I wish she would either accept that i will take care of her and just be happy with that, or allow me to help her find happiness through her own personal gain. She has me thinking that the only thing that will make her happy is marriage, but it seems like she really just wants to be a bitch. Im 29 and shes 33. It might be best to end it and move on, but it just seems silly that we cant work it out at our age. Also i admit I am a bit afraid to start all over. Should I end it? And if so how am I supposed to do it? I don't want to just throw her stuff out and lock her out but i will if I have to, she is miserable here and just seems like shes only pretending to love me. I love her, but I don't want to make the mistake of an agonizing marriage ending in divorce. I really do appreciate you taking time to read this and any advise you give, thanks.
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female
reader, chocoholicforever +, writes (11 March 2012):
I didn't address your other question in my earlier post. you asked, how do you end it?
First, you should confirm in your mind that you are going to end the relationship. Prepare yourself ahead of time for her likely reactions - such as crying, throwing a fit, threatening revenge, etc. By now you know her very well so you can probably predict how she'll react. Go through these in your mind ahead of time, so that if and when it happens you will not be caught off guard and end up saying or doing things you really didn't plan on saying/doing but due to the pressure (such as back peddling on the break up).
Then, you should tell her that you have something important to inform her. Tell her that you have become very unhappy in the relationship and want to end it. Make it clear that this is not up for discussion, you are not negotiating, you are simply informing her of your decision. Again, be prepared ahead of time for her likely reactions so that you don't become reactive yourself. Instead, try to stay calm and simply continue to repeat to her that this is not up for discussion. Remember that most break ups are unilateral.
Since you live together, you might want to make alternative arrangements to stay at a friend's house for a few days, so you can give her a few days' time to pack her things and find a new place, while still having the break up be effective immediately. However, if she's likely to destroy your things in vengeance or emotionality, then this might not be a good idea and maybe you want to find a different stop-gap measure. whatever it is, plan it ahead of time. You should also get her keys back or change the locks.
If you want, you can tell her that you're willing to stay friends, just that you don't want to be in an exclusive romantic relationship anymore. But be aware that this is not a good idea for everyone, in fact most of the time it is better to make a clean break which means no contact at all because trying to simply scale a relationship back to being friends often just puts it in a sort of 'twilight zone' where it doesn't feel like you've quite broken up completely so boundaries get even more blurred and misunderstandings and bad feelings abound as a result, which could just make things even worse.
Be prepared that in the days, weeks and maybe even months after breaking up, she may not leave you alone and you may feel pressured to resume the relationship to make the discomfort go away. Remember that she is an overly dependent and needy person so she's probably going to freak out at being without an intimate partner and will try whatever she can to get you to resume your role as her caretaker.
But here is where you have to stay strong and remind yourself of why you're breaking up. It's for your own good and also for her own good as well. You do her no favors by doing what she wants, just as it does an alcoholic no favors to keep giving them the alcohol they want.
If she promises that she will change - realize that almost everyone does that when their partners are dumping them. Don't believe it, she has had more than enough time to change and she never did, why would now be any different. And besides, for her to change, would be more likely to succeed if done ON HER OWN than from within the grips of a co-dependent relationship where you keep "feeding" her dysfunctionality. If she insists she will change now, just tell her that's great, you're glad she's going to change and you wish her well, and that's it. (If you fall for the "I will change" you're just dragging on the status quo which is being in this relationship exactly as it is, with the difference that maybe things will get even worse since she'll be extra angry at you for having tried to break up with her.)
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 March 2012): Enough commenters have pointed out that this woman has got some serious psychological and emotional issues that she's not even trying to get under control so I'm not going to repeat all that, instead I want to point out something else which is that I think you also need to look at YOUR own actions and attitudes that have led you to be in this mess. you see, it takes two to have a relationship, so apart from what she's done you also have to be personally responsible for what you have done too, which is that you have enabled her and encouraged her to take no responsibility for herself. Why should she, when it's easier to just wait for you to do everything for her? She's clearly got some serious issues, but you have your own issues that need addressing too since you're the one who got into a relationship with her and have been ENABLING her so what does that say about YOU and what you need to change about yourself and your attitudes to get your life in a better position? You can't change another person so you can't change her, but you can change yourself. question is what do you need to change about yourself?Rather than treating her as if she is an adult, you've been treating her the way she wants to be treated - as a child. You're both dancing the same dance together. You chose to get into a relationship with her, and to stay in the relationship under those terms. It takes two to tango, it's not all on her why you're so unhappy, you need to own up to your mistakes in creating this unhealthy and unhappy situation too.that said, if you were to somehow suddenly "man up" and start behaving in a more appropriate manner in this relationship and start treating her like the adult she is supposed to be, it doesn't mean she's also going to suddenly change and become a normal girlfriend either..most likely she won't change which means that the relationship would be headed toward an ugly end and she'll first throw tantrums to try to get you to resume your job as her boyfriend, but if you refuse to get back together with her eventually she'll just go off in search of a new victim, I mean, boyfriend, to freeload off of for life. So be it, you will be able to move on and find a less horrible relationship and maybe even some day you might end up happily married.
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A
female
reader, heather016  +, writes (10 March 2012):
Think again before you break up with her. Will you regret this decision?
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A
female
reader, mizz.butterflies +, writes (10 March 2012):
 I agree with chocoholicforever and everyone else.
Do not go ahead with marriage.
I must point out something ....
Yes she's dependent on you...but...you are a little proud of yourself that you've "convinced" a 33 yr old to be with you on the grounds that you are stable? Props for that! You see what I mean here? This assertion of mine stems from your difficulty to imagine life with somebody else. You do feel EMOTIONALLY stable because she won't leave you as you are FINANCIALLY stable.
What do you need to do?
Start over.
Don't feel sorry for her. Shes a grown woman who should take responsibility for herself. She's not a 20 yr old who just started life.
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A
female
reader, chocoholicforever +, writes (10 March 2012):
You're very right that these are red flags, and it's wise that you're not jumping into marriage.
It sounds like you have a co-dependent relationship, where she is the dependent (the person with dysfunctionalities and serious unresolved issues that impact her ability to live a normal life) and you're the co-dependent (the one who is cast in the role of her full-time crutch and savior and always having to take care of her but in so doing you're enabling her to continue exactly as is rather than making changes in her life.)
It's definitely a very unhealthy relationship because it's one-sided. A healthy relationship is where there is equal give and take, not where one person is always giving and the other is always taking.
she wants marriage because she sees it as guaranteeing that you will forever be there to take care of her life for her but that's not what marriage is supposed to be. Marriages are healthy if the two people are whole and complete on their own, so that by joining together they can enhance each other's lives instead of tearing each other down (or one person tearing the other down). Marriage is not meant to be a vehicle for people who are unable to handle their lives on their own, to get others to do it for them full time forever. Marriage is not supposed to be a substitute for therapy, or for hard work, or for professional caregiving in the case of serious issues.
But it's very common that people who have dysfunctionalities and are not resolving them, latch onto intimate relationships and marriages as a way to avoid having to take responsibility for their issues, because taking responsibility is difficult. Furthermore, because society is more accepting and forgiving of women being dependent on men than the other way round (for example society doesn't batter an eye when women are dependent on their mates financially, or by stereotyping women as being irrational and needing men to step in and save the day), dysfunctional women often seem to find marriage an acceptable and in fact desired solution to their life problems, and the men who get involved with them have a hard time denying them this especially if they are kind-hearted and compassionate men, like you are obviously.
but you're right that this is a very unhealthy relationship because she is emotionally unhealthy and overdependent. For example, she is 33, she should not need you to help her with her homework as she is not a child and you're not her parent! If she has a learning disability that makes it difficult for her academically, then she needs to get professional help to deal effectively with her learning disability. If she doesn't have a learning disability, then all the more there's no reason for you to be constantly helping her with her classwork, because you're not doing her any favors instead you're denying her the opportunity to grow and learn on her own even if it means by failing before she can succeed.
I've known men (friends and family members) who felt the way you do about their overly dependent girlfriends but ignored their unease and actually went ahead with marriage because the woman demanded/needed it. as a result years or even decades later, those women they are with are still every bit as dysfunctional and making their men and everyone else around them miserable.
What stops men from ending these relationships is guilt and a sense of responsibility for their ex-partners being unable to handle their lives on their own. But I think this shouldn't stop you from ending your relationship - you can still be there as a friend if there is a true emergency, but an intimate relationship is meant to be a relationship between peers and equals, not an unequal relationship where one partner is always the caretaker and the other is always receiving help and giving nothing back in return. such a relationship is one where you are being used, so it's no wonder that sooner or later you end up feeling resentful and unable to love deeply and wholly.
Furthermore, only if people (i.e. you) stop propping her up and stop rewarding her for being overly dependent, will she ever be likely to take responsibility for herself, such as by getting professional help if she has an anxiety disorder or low self esteem that's holding her back. Marriage and intimate relationships are not a substitute for therapy and personal growth, but she is trying to use it as such. by breaking up with her, even if it means throwing her stuff out and locking her out, you could be doing her a big favor even if she doesn't see it that way right now. You can tell her that if there is a true emergency she can still count on you for back up as a friend, but you are not going to be her exclusive romantic partner anymore because that's a different kind of relationship from what she is seeking.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 March 2012): When you said she was a student, you pay most of the bills, she is immature, making threats on Facebook, still dependent on others etc. etc. I figured you were talking about someone in her very early twenties -- which to me would be much more forgivable, because not everyone has their life and priorities sorted at that transitional age.
This woman is 33.
Older than you, definitely old enough to know how to act with composure and well aware that nothing is free in life. If you are still paying all the bills and putting up with all her shit, you are being taken advantage of. Period.
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A
male
reader, BDW +, writes (10 March 2012):
 I can relate to everything you just said..I'm in something similar. I'm 44 though, and she is 44. Same kind of stuff though. We can go several days and everything seems unbelievable...Then she turns into an absolute ass from hell to say the least. Over the smallest and most minute things also. I really hate it. The hard part is the attachment. Like you, and I'm assuming you have become mentally, emotionally, and to some extent financially attached. Just like I have. When you think of the hard times you've been through, the amazing times you have had, the investment of your time, money, emotions, etc... it all adds up and makes it hard to disengage, to quit. But, I'm learning that you have to put yourself first. In my case, its my sons that are miserable, along with me. I've got to step up to the plate and put an end to it. No matter how I try to talk myself out of it, the blatant truth is that it it will never get better. I think you're in a similar position. Just like someone else asked me. "What value does she bring to your life".. The value has to be equal..if it's one sided, there is something wrong with that. I'm learning that, its hard to accept because I'm attached. But, I'm making the smart decision. Which, sounds like you know what the smart decision is as well. Like me, it helps to have unbiased opinions to back you up...Wish you the best.
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