A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Please help, i have just had unsatisfying sex again with my fiancee. Normally our sex life is good, but lately i havent been able to orgasm at all. I can really only achieve one by masturbating or in other words clitoral stimulation. My fiancee doesnt like giving oral sex. It hurts when he rubs my clitoris or fingers me. Ive tried to teach him and it doesnt help. Theres not much foreplay since he hurts me when he touches me and wont go down on me, he gets a lot of foreplay though. He tries to make me cum through sex but lately i just cant even with rubbing myself while having sex. Its getting him down and im getting frusterated. I want a toy but he feels like hes failed so no toy for me. Please help. I do not watch porn please dont suggest that. I love my fiancee very much and want to be satisfied by him we have been together 3.5yrs.
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female
reader, Stayc63088 +, writes (25 August 2012):
 Well it is no surprise you can't get turned on when sex is so unpleasant, you have nothing to get excited about. He is a little full of himself. Which I will attribute to past girlfriends obviously over exaggerating their pleasure and filling his head with beliefs that he is amazing at sex. The majority of women cannot get off from penetration alone. Men have a hard time knowing when a woman fakes it. Rather than accept that he may not be all that great, he places blame on you and your body. Not right. I am genuinely curious how you are able to have sex at all when dry? I can't get anything up there unless I am wet naturally or with lubrication. Stop agreeing to disagree with him. Explain the facts, look it up online or show these posts if you have to. Women need clitoral stimulation to orgasm. Women need foreplay and can't easily jump right into sex all the time, especially after being with someone for so long.
You really need to stop having sex if he isn't willing to do anything for you. You are uncomfortable and in pain, you don't need to be used as a device for him to be able to orgasm. You need to have a frank discussion with him about how your (and most women's) bodies work and say it needs to get better because you are unhappy. Say you would like to ease into it more and try more foreplay options to get you more excited. As I said before you can't get excited if you know what is coming isn't pleasant and will cause stress. The actual sex won't get any better if you can't get more excited beforehand. Start with the foreplay and working on getting back into the mood again and then work on the sex. Have him use his hand when you are having sex and place his hand where you want it and how firmly you want it there. My husband always uses his hand when we have sex and it is great, though I have had to discuss once or twice what I would like for him to be doing, it always works out great afterwards.
Communication is going to be key here and you need to work on these issues because it will only get worse and could possibly lead to resentment from both of you. You need to be firm and discuss how unhappy this makes you and what changes need to be made. If he claims it is your fault show him the proof otherwise here or on another site and tell him not to compare you to other women from his past. Also let him know it is rude to blame you, there is no blame to be placed, it is about fixing your sexual relationship and having a better more compatible time. Neither one of you is completely at fault and shouldn't made to be treated that way. It is something you will have to work on together and don't just accept how it is now or give in to his stupid comments where he clearly doesn't know what he is talking about.
A
female
reader, person12345 +, writes (25 August 2012):
 This is a different problem. Your boyfriend sounds very selfish. Have you ever heard the term "mansplaining?" Because when a man tells a woman how her body is supposed to be functioning, I don't think you can get closer to the definition of that term. When he told you that's not the way it's supposed to work, did you ask him how it feels on HIS vagina, since he apparently knows? He has his head up his butt, and apparently there's a lot of porn up there. That's the only place where the majority of women can orgasm from penetration because in the real world, 75% cannot.
I don't know why so many men think their penis is some kind of magic pleasure wand, but it's not. Vaginas are not inside-out penises. They have very few nerve endings. Asking a woman to orgasm purely from vaginal stimulation is like asking a man to orgasm purely from rubbing his testicles.
And beyond having unrealistic expectations, he's shaming you for them, and denying you your orgasm because it doesn't fit with his tidy little porn-views of women. You should show your boyfriend your question on here. Let him read the responses. Ask him how he'd feel if you demanded oral sex every single day, and then refused to give him an orgasm after. It would feel pretty awful and frustrating for him. So why does he think it's OK to reverse the situation? You are not a masturbation toy. If he is not only refusing to consider your pleasure but also OK with it hurting, stop having sex with him. Not as punishment, but because there is nothing in it for you.
If he really cared about you, wouldn't he care that you were happy and enjoying yourself?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 August 2012): Hi i posted the question. Yes more times than not im dry and not in the mood and can not get in the mood. Then sometimes when im in the mood and we have sex i get turned off due to the sex. I dont mean to i just dont know what to do. Normally i do just have sex even when im dry but i can touch myself when we are doing it and orgasm that way. I have tried telling him most women cant orgasm through penetration he insists im wrong and that his other gfs didnt do that so i agree to disagree because its pointless. He doesnt like oral sex i dont love oral sex with men but i do it because i want him to be satisfied i dont give him oral very often anymore though. Hes given me oral sex twice, and he thinks hes better than he is. He also thinks i should be horny by makingout and then hop on. I do it but its not satisfying. It actually gets kinda painful. Hes also about 8inches which doesnt help when im not aroused. I dont need much to be content just an orgasm once a week or two. Hes great in all other aspects.
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A
female
reader, person12345 +, writes (25 August 2012):
It sounds like this is a bit of vicious cycle. You are feeling upset, which makes it harder to orgasm, and you are upset because it is hard to orgasm. First I have a question, are you on the pill? If yes, how long? Several of the pills I tried completely eliminated my ability to orgasm, so you may want to look into it.You mention he gets tons of foreplay and you don't, there are lots of ways to get foreplay that don't involve him rubbing you too hard. First off, you can go get things going on your own. You can rub yourself to get close, and then invite him in. You can also rub yourself on him to get warmed up. Some women rub on his pubic bone, or leg, or whatever. You should try that because then you can control the pressure. I also wonder how you are trying to teach him to touch you? Are you being direct about what to do or hinting? Have you tried putting your hand over his and controlling the pressure that way? If you say it breathily you can be telling him exactly what to do, "lighter, softer, up a little," whatever you need. As long as you say it in a sexy voice and try not to be negative, he should just be happy you're giving him instructions.If your boyfriend won't go down on you AND won't let you get a toy for him to use on you, then he is being unfair. It would be one thing if he was making you orgasm some other way, but he's both refusing the one thing that gets you off and refusing to try another way. I think you need to sit him down and explain to him that women and men do not get off the same ways. Your clitoris is the only way for you to orgasm and the only way for you (like many, many women) to get off is oral. If he hates oral, that's fine, but he can't leave you high and dry because he's insecure. Tell him that you can pick out the toy together, it can be totally external (not penis-shaped) and that he can use it on you. It's not a replacement for him, it's just an extension. If he refuses, explain that you are becoming extremely frustrated and beginning to hate having sex because it's not pleasurable. Ask him how he'd feel if someone was using him to get off and then denying him an orgasm? They make loads of toys for couples, like vibrating rings that fit around his penis and ones that are U shaped that stimulate both of you at the same time.
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A
female
reader, Stayc63088 +, writes (25 August 2012):
Are you turned on at all before he jumps into using his hands for foreplay? Being completely dry and being rubbed would definitely be unpleasant. Certainly wouldn't have you ready for sex or in the mood. Do you need to use lube since foreplay doesn't work so well for you? And when you try teaching him what happens? I think you need to talk with him again outside of the bedroom about this. Explain what you like and what hurts. Use his hand over your clothes and explain exactly what to do that you like, give him a teaching session. Show him the hand movements he does that hurt you. When having sex the next time go very slow and guide his hands if he's still not doing it quite right. If after all of that he gets no better then he may be sexually clueless. But the fact that sex used to be good for you has me thinking you just lost the excitement and no longer get turned on like you did before. Sometimes we need to try new things and mix it up a lot to get in the mood.
I started to get bored in my sex routine. It was make out, touch me down here, have sex. Eventually making out just did nothing anymore and when he touched me I would be dry so it was just painful. We have been doing different approaches to sex to keep it interesting. Like touching each other while laying and watching tv but not immediately going at it, letting it build until we can't wait anymore. I also gave him a semi teaching session and told him how I like to be touched and teased. It made a huge difference. You can also try fun sex games or new ways of kissing or massages for foreplay to get you more turned on. If you are wet enough during sex then his hands or yours shouldn't be a problem.
I don't like that he seems unwilling to do things that please you. As in oral or a toy. If you simply can't go doing any of my suggestions then you should be able to try out a toy for him to use on you. If he's not willing to even try then he doesn't seem to care much for your sexual satisfaction and isnt too fair seeing as how you give him plenty of foreplay. Also good relationships are about being comfortable to explore new options in the bedroom together to see what makes each of you the happiest. Is there a reason he won't do oral that you can try to help him with? He needs to be a bit more giving to keep you sexually satisfied.
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A
male
reader, wiseoldman  +, writes (25 August 2012):
You should never marry solely for sex, but if the sex is irreparably wrong you should not marry at all. Sexual compatibility is vital to a marriage, and it seems your attitudes and tastes do not mesh. You say your sex life was good previously- but does this mean that as you get more relaxed and more used to having sex (you are still quite young)you have realised that things are unfulfilling? Have a long talk with him- if he is not willing to make an honest and consistent effort to improve then you deserve a man who will, difficult though that solution may be. Good luck.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 August 2012): How about getting a sex toy and letting him use it on you? You could give that a try.
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