A
female
age
30-35,
*ee_autiful
writes:So the story, I need your honest opinion- I know its long, but you need to understand the context if it all.We're in our mid 20s and have been studying together for the last year and a half. We're not friends but we're friendly- we have done group assignments together, we greet each other in passing, we sometimes talk before class and sometimes catch each other's eyes during. We both have quieter personalities- he generally keeps to himself though, where as I'm around friends a lot of the time but he's a friendly guy regardless.We've been away from uni for a few months doing a practical component. In May it was his birthday and I didn't get to see him. I messaged him privately over Facebook, although I was aware he doesn't use it. In my message I included 'will have to take you out for belated birthday drinks when all this is over.' His reply was few paragraphs talking about his day and also included saying 'that would be great, we should definitely do that'.. But I wasn't sure whether he was being serious or polite and so left it at 'him deciding on the details seen as he is the birthday boy.' About two weeks after that, we were still away from uni but I asked my friend (who was on placement with him) if she could get him to send me something. He did, over fb, and was really nice about it. But that's the last time he's been on facebook as he hasn't 'seen' my reply.I didn't have high expectations to hear back from him about the drinks unitl we got back to uni, as I knew we were stressed and also that he wasn;t big on fb.. although I wasn't sure whether he would be one to ask me out in person either..We've been back at uni on and off since then.. Of the 8-10 days that we've been I've maybe had the opportunity to say hi on 3 or 4 occasions, had one very brief and rushed convo on one... And then yesterday, which was our last day of uni ever... We bumped into each other and had a really nice conversation - at one point we were saying our goodbyes and then started talking again.. I was working up the courage to lead the conversation into a reminder of the birthday drink but then a friend walked past and joined us briefly.. And so I lost the opportunity as we went our seperate ways. I was hoping to bump into him later and fix this situation but he had gone home.Now I'm stuck wondering whether it would be too weird if I send him a casual message over facebook to say a proper goodbye and goodluck for the future thing and drop in a hint about the drinks... I know that he probably won't read the message anytime soon, but I feel like for me, it's important to know that I have put it out there....what do you think? how would it come across to him- too weird?
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female
reader, bee_autiful +, writes (23 September 2013):
bee_autiful is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for your response
I dont know if giving the mobile number makes the ordeal less painful- its certainly more of a bold move, which is not exactly something I'm comfortable with.. but it gives him another option and a definite indicator that I am being serious... but what do others think- leave my number or not?
I feel like last time I suggested we go for drinks we never did because a). I dont know whether he saw my offer as just an empty gesture or not b). he wanted to suss things out at uni, and then we never really saw each other for ages c).he's just not the type of guy who would make a move.
I know now that it could be months before he reads this- which is fine.. I think I'm feeling very anxious at the moment because I'm anticipating having to deal with the response soon, when I most likely wont. I'm completely fine with him not being interested, I think at the moment I'm feeling more anxious that he IS actually interested..
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (23 September 2013):
 What does it matter if he is not a big Fb user ? His infrequent use of Fb will make so that he gets your invitation with a certain delay, but , once he has gotten and read it, he would have to reply through Facebook, wouldn't he ? I don't think he would say : " Oh cool, this great chick wants to offer me a drink, yes I want to go, but... too bad. My moral principles prevent me from using Facebook more than once a month . Sigh... it will have to wait till November or December then ".
I feel it's like you are tryng to find the best way and the best wording to entice him to have drinks with you, but it's really much simpler. If he wants to come, he will contact you . If he does not want to come, he will either politely decline , or just ignore you ( in which case he 'd be rude and you would not be missing much ).
Don't do all the work for him ! Don't spoonfeed him your appointment ! he may be shy, but he is not mentally retarded . He is perfectly capable of responding to a clear invitation ( Hi Charlie, I still owe you a birthday drink.. and anyway I'd love if we could meet up for a catch up etc.etc. Friday nights work best for me, but if you can't on Fridays , feel free to suggest another day and we'll see what we can come up with ).
Of course, said all that, if giving him your phone number makes you more comfortable, and the whole ordeal less painful :) then go ahead. But you are working yourslf up in a lather about this and there's really no need.
You want to play it cool , as if you aren't that interested- while it's obvious you are interested , otherwise you would not invite him out to begin with , duh. ( There's nothing wrong in being interested in him !, he'll find it flattering regardless ). You also want to stress that if he does not feel like going out with you it's OK, no big deal... of course he knows it's OK no big deal , what do you think HE will think, that your life depends on it and you'll hate him forever and put a curse on him and all his descendants ?! Do you reckon he'd think you are heartbroken forever and will never recover from his rejection ?! He should be very conceited to think that !
Life is not AS complicated as you make it.. Guy appears interested but does not make first move. Girl makes first move, simple, clear and sincere. Guy is either interested and bites bait, or he only appeared interested but won't bite bait.
In this second case, girl is disappointed but does not freak out. It was just a date, and he is only one among a few hundreds of other future possibilities.
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A
female
reader, bee_autiful +, writes (23 September 2013):
bee_autiful is verified as being by the original poster of the questionSorry the anonymous post was me (original poster):
But I feel like because he isn't a big fb user it would be better to give him another option to contact me on?
I don't know- it's a scary thing to give the number.. I feel like I'm caught in between wanting to do something but being held back by my old habits.
How do I sign off in a casual way- obviously being open to him contacting and showing interest, but also cool with him not wanting to do anything?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 September 2013): But I feel like because he isn't a big fb user it would be better to give him another option to contact me on? I don't know- it's a scary thing to give the number.. I feel like I'm caught in between wanting to do something but being held back by my old habits. How do I sign off in a casual way- obviously being open to him contacting and showing interest, but also cool with him not wanting to do anything?
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A
female
reader, Aunty Babbit  +, writes (22 September 2013):
 Don't give him your number until he's replied. To get your number he must read the message and he'll then reply by the same method I'm guessing.
If he replies that he would like to meet for a drink then by all means send him your number so you can chat and decide on a date.
Good Luck AB x
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A
female
reader, bee_autiful +, writes (22 September 2013):
bee_autiful is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks Chigirl and Aunty Babbit....
I know that he won't read my message for a while because he doesn't go on facebook...
should I give him my mobile number? I don't know if I'm brave enough to do so...
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A
female
reader, Aunty Babbit +, writes (21 September 2013):
You've got to stop hinting, you've got nothing to lose.
Just say Hi and then tell him that you were going to ask him if he'd like to get a coffee (whatever) with you the other day, but didn't get a chance too.
Then tell him that you think he's a really nice guy and would like to get to know him better, so would he like to go out for a drink with you.
Leave it there and sign off quite breezily with, I hope to hear from you soon.
You'll never know if you dally. So come on, get typing and send that guy an invite.
Hope it goes well AB x
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (21 September 2013):
 You have to be direct, sorry. Guys can be REALLY dense when it comes to this. But there are several ways around it, the best way would be to make it seem like it was all his idea.
"Hey -insert name-, it was great seeing you -insert day you last saw him-. I remember you mentioned we should go out for drinks to celebrate your birthday. How about we catch up and have that belated birthday drink next Saturday?"
Or something like that. If you catch him in person it'd be much better, because then you could casually slip it into conversation just as you leave "Oh wait, didn't you say you wanted to have drinks one day? How about Saturday, I'm available then".
Set the date and time! Or else it'll never happen. Guys can be REALLY, REALLY dense about these things! Often they would just think they're being "friend zoned", because some guys believe in that crap, and they think if they've talked to a girl without them jumping on them like in an AXE commercial it means they've been friend zoned and everything nice a girl says is just to be polite from then on. You absolutely should take the lead here. I even asked my boyfriend if I had a shot at him before we even started dating, and he said yes, but STILL didn't get that I was interested in him and thought I just saw him as a friend. Can you believe it?? Yeah, me neither, but guys can really be dense about these things... I can't underline it enough, they can be reeeeally dense. Only a player would know how to read subtle signs. Is this guy a player? Because he sure doesn't sound like it.
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A
female
reader, bee_autiful +, writes (21 September 2013):
bee_autiful is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks everyone for your answers...
What exactly do I write to him? (I'm terrified about being direct, but I want him to get the hint)
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465  +, writes (21 September 2013):
 P.S. I've made a total a$$ of myself MANY times, in my vain attempts to get hot girls to notice me!!!!
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (21 September 2013):
IN matters of the heart.... and attempting to get the attention of that girl/guy who you fancy.... NOTHING is to be considered "too weird"...... Go for it.....
Good luck...
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A
male
reader, Xearo  +, writes (21 September 2013):
If I had to say, it just seems like you are taking the very easy way out. You KNOW he never checks facebook but you send him messages on it anyway. While you might think that you are putting it out there, I think your intentions will only just be "out there" and far from him. Other than 1 line of drinks, you haven't really shown any real interest that a normal guy would pick up. He might think you were just being polite.
Speaking from the perspective of someone who was in University and tried to date as well, you have to take the initiative if you want to date someone, because reality is that no one has time for games and second guessing.
I think he did show some interest if he sent you a couple of paragraphs of messages. Somewhere in your replies or your in person meetings, you should have asked him for his number or something or anything. Try to do so, if there is a next time. And take some initiative into arrange the time and place. This way you can see for yourself if you do really like the guy and if he does actually like you too.
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A
female
reader, Aunty Babbit +, writes (21 September 2013):
What have you got to lose?
Message him privately on Facebook and be clear. Tell him that you think he's a really nice guy and would he like to go out for a drink with you sometime. Keep it brief and casual but friendly.
If he says no, you've lost nothing and can move on. You will have done nothing to be embarrassed about and anyway it's not like you're going to see him again is it?
If he says yes, then fabulous you've laid your cards on the table, he knows you like him and he would clearly have indicated that he likes you too. Problem solved.
If you do nothing you'll never know.
Just one thing (as you're both quite reserved) if he says yes, YOU arrange the date and time with him, don't just leave it hanging in the air, each expecting the other to arrange it, because it'll never happen that way
Go for it.
I hope this helps AB x
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A
female
reader, chigirl +, writes (21 September 2013):
You arent putting anyything "out there" unless you stop hinting and say it directly. Only players can read a hint, normal guys need girls to be more direct. Ask him if he would like to meet you and suggest a time. And since hes not big on fb, ask for his number. Maybe he was just being polite and isnt interested, but isnt it better to find out for sure?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 September 2013): If you're not likely to see him again (assuming he's not interested) then you really have nothing to lose by putting your feelings out there.
If he thinks it's weird or doesn't have similar feelings, you probably won't hear from him again... but if you say nothing he'll be gone from your life AND you will always wonder what could have been.
I think if he was really interested in starting something he'd have addressed your invite for drinks in a more proactive way, but at least asking him point blank will give you closure. Good luck and best wishes.
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