A
female
age
30-35,
*RHVH
writes:In 2009, I posted a question on dearcupid regarding my relationship with a married high school teacher of mine. We had an affair, broke it off when I moved east for university from my hometown in the Midwest, and he then filed for divorce and moved with me to my university. It was a rocky beginning, but we are now very happy and engaged going on 3+ years and I can thank the agonyants that helped me for that. Having said that, I now reach my current dilemma--this one is involving my best friend. We have been friends since high school, and she was the only person I told about my relationship with my then teacher at the beginning of our relationship. After seeing the continued success of our relationship, she has now done something similar. She has begun dating her psych professor at her college. When she first told me about it, I was skeptical. I know full well that Teacher/Student relationships do not always turn out as well as it has with my situation. I have warned her of what could happen, especially since he is married and I have heard that he has a reputation at her college for sleeping with students. But due to the success of my relationship, she is convinced that hers could go the the way of mine as well. I told her about my reservations, but she is being very narrow minded. My question is: what should I tell her? I find it difficult to find the words to explain to her without sounding like a hypocrite.
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affair, best friend, divorce, engaged, university Reply to this Question
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female
reader, Lovehelp2000  +, writes (21 September 2013):
What your saying does sound a little bit hypocritical however you a person who is looking out for their best friend. Some of my friends relationships have worked out excellently but some of mine haven't. It's understandable that you feel the way you do. But i do think you need to discuss things with her further
A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 September 2013): Why would you discourage something that worked for you?
You are being a hypocrite OP, leave her to it. It's not your place to tell her how bad it can be when you've done the exact same thing.
OP she's being as narrow minded as you were. One thought only in her mind, what she wants, and like you she doesn't care who she hurts to get that. She's not going to listen to you because frankly you were in the same position and let nothing stop you.
Tell her nothing OP, she saw all this while you were doing it, she probably warned you of all the things that could go wrong back then, where do you get this idea that you can suddenly take the high ground of knowledgeable one when you did the same thing and it worked out?
She knows the dangers, she knows the risk even better than you did back then and she's accepted those. So be a good friend and accept her decision. You've given your opinion, now stop trying to discourage her from following in your foot steps.
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A
female
reader, HRHVH +, writes (21 September 2013):
HRHVH is verified as being by the original poster of the questionto the female anon: #1 I didn't write "success story" in the title. someone from the site made that up. i do not consider my situation a complete success yet, but i'm happy and that's what matters. #2 I do not appreciate you judging me for my past actions. #3 You didn't even answer my question. #4 you do not know the entire story so do not pretend like you do.
Thank you to Sageoldguy1465 and iAmHereToHelpYou for constructive criticism/answers.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 September 2013): I don't want to burst your bubble, but what you have is NOT a "success story" until you and he get married and that marriage works and lasts - which defies most of the odds with second marriages born from affairs. Roughly 50% of first marriages in America end in divorce and the odds a second marriage will fail only go up when one or both of the spouses began the relationship with infidelity. It's important that you be aware of that going in. Your man has shown that he can stray from someone he swore vows to given the right set of circumstances. It's now on you to make sure you don't duplicate those circumstances within your own future marriage.Before you write the reality check I'm trying to give you off to judgement on my part, know this: I am not judging YOU or HIM for what you did. People don't choose who they fall in love with. In fact I'm in the *exact same* situation you are except that my partner, who also left his wife for me, is not a teacher or former teacher of mine. The difference is that I know better than to call my situation a success story just yet.Your friend shouldn't be looking at you and thinking that's a road she wants to go down. You're engaged to a guy who's terrific in your eyes, but I'm willing to bet you went through a lot of shit to get there. I bet "rocky beginning" doesn't scratch the surface of the emotional spectrum you went through with and because of this man. How did you feel in the early days when he still went home to his wife? Weren't you frustrated being a secret from his friends and family for so long? How do they feel about you now? Have you never worried that one day he may turn around and cheat on you and say you should have seen it coming because of how the two of you got together? Wouldn't you love it if you could marry him without thinking "Wow, he broke these vows at least once already?" Lots of women get engaged to great guys without having to deal with so much heartache, drama, and secrecy along the way. Situations like yours, and mine, aren't something any sane person should AIM for or hold up as a gold standard of how a relationship should proceed, and if your friend has the chance to back off and get out before she's inextricably involved physically and/or emotionally with this guy, I would advise she do it.
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (21 September 2013):
 You invite her out for a cup of coffee, or a Margarita... and you say to her:
"Best friend, I am flattered that you are planning to embark on the same journey as did I, regarding dating a married teacher/professor.... and you truly believe that your flirtation can turn out as successfully as did mine. BUT, let me caution you that MY fortunate success was 'way against the odds.... and OOODLES of co-eds and high school girls get gravely disappointed in such "relationships" that they undertake, every year..... I WISH YOU LUCK in your's... but must suggest that you are swimming against a very strong tide....."
Then, tell her that you will be her friend, and will support her, no matter what happens between her and this cad... who is almost-certain to use her - as he has so many, before - and cast her aside.....
You're a good friend....
Good luck.....
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