A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:My case is a little bit complex, and I'm having a bit of an emotional crisis right now caused by a family issue, and don't know what to think of this new situation.First I gotta give some background info:My dad has been married twice.In his first marriage he was married for around 17 years and had two children [Brother(32), Sister(31)]A few years after his divorce he married my mother and had two children [Brother(21), Me-(Girl)(18)]My parents divorced when I had turned 3 months old, and since then my mother, Brother (21), and I have lived away from my father.Now, I gotta tell you about my father. He has two sides to him:Good: Hard worker, Takes good responsibility for his kids (but only if they are willing to be controlled by him)Bad:He is a man that believes in limited freedom, does not like women doing things they like to do. Same with his children. He will give you ANYTHING money can buy but only if you stay at home and don't spend time with friends. In other words, he is controlling to the EXTREME.Growing up, my brother (21) and I spent little time with our father because we were not too fond of him. We would visit him during summers but shortly asked to be taken home because we were overwhelmed by the feeling of being trapped, as we were not allowed to play with other kids.I was especially not fond of him, and to this day cannot see eye to eye with him on most things. (I disagree with his controlling beliefs)NOW THE PROBLEM:Yesterday, my brother (who happens to be named after my father) was contacted by this 15 year old girl over facebook.She asked a lot of questions then said "My mother has always told me my dad's name is (My dad's/brother's whole name)" She then gave specific information about my father's business, and she explained that her mother had always told her about it. She also said that she tried to contact my father two years ago, but he blew her off. All she wants to do is meet her "father" in person.From the pictures, she looks a lot like me and my older sister, so it is possible that she could be our half sister.The thing is, I have so many mixed emotions about this whole situation. I feel as if my identity has always been a lie, and I just feel so uncomfortable. I've always been the youngest of four kids...what am I supposed to do, just overnight embrace her as my sister??But I don't know her! Who is she to come into our lives and demand an explanation?? WE are the ones that need an explanation...I feel so selfish and rude, but I feel as if she's in my turf and I haven't even met her. I feel so guilty about feeling that way because even though I grew up with a crappy father, at least I had one. She had no one! But I still feel as if my life is being suddenly invaded. Not only that, but how could my father do that? He PRIDES himself on how he looks after his kids, why did he turn this one away?I feel so lied to, and just so UGH! :(My older sister is making arrangements to do a relative DNA test with her to see if she is our sister. If the tests show that she is, we will tell my father that we know about her and confront him about it. Why do I even care if she gets to meet my dad, if I don't even like him?? I just feel so horrible and confused. Is it normal to feel this way?
View related questions:
divorce, facebook, money, trapped Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, j66hen66ry66 +, writes (7 September 2014):
Break the cycle of emotional immaturity in your family. I was abandoned by my father and when I was 35 yrs old I was contacted by a teenage girl, my sister who had been raised by my father. So Ive been there but you are being selfish and hyoocritical when you ask " who is she yo come into your lives?". She is your sister- who are you to judge her for crying out. I understand your reservations- and maybe you are not mature enough to see the benefit of sacrificing your selfish attitude. Is being "the baby" so important to you as an adult? You seem like a bitter and mean person so maybe your sister is better off without you if you have no empathy and would be so callous towards your own little sister.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 June 2011): HiBe gentle with your own feelings but with her feelings as well. She is very young and confused just like you and remember she means you no harm...if she is your sister why not give her a fair chance.spunky monkey
...............................
A
male
reader, no nonsense Aidan  +, writes (21 June 2011):
It’s quite normal not to know what to feel when something so huge occurs and it shatters all of your previous certainties about your life, your identity etc. I wouldn’t feel too guilty that amongst that mix of emotions there is some resentment towards this girl for coming in to your life, because reading your post it is clearly evident that you understand the feelings she must be having: resentment that she was turned away by your father, wanting an explanation and, maybe, wanting to get to know her siblings. The best advice I can give you at present is:1) Remember that each of your brothers and sisters will possibly react very differently to this girl: one may wish to establish a relationship whilst another may want nothing to do with her. Try hard to (despite your own feelings) respect each of their decisions, so that you can all talk and support each other as you come to terms with this.2) Be very careful when confronting your father, if it is established that she is your half sister. You said in your post that, according to the girl, your father wasn’t interested 2 years ago in getting to know her when she tried to make contact. That may be true, but always in these situations there is the possibility that others close to the child re-invent history: think about how she knows your father rejected her. Did he actually say so to her in person? Or was she informed by those around her that he wanted nothing to do with her, and could those people have had reason to mislead her about this perhaps to prevent some uncomfortable secrets coming out if she met him, or to protect her from something? Because you can’t be sure, therefore, make sure that your confrontation with your father doesn’t take the form of accusing him, but instead ask him in a calm and controlled way all the questions that are on your mind and don’t have preconceptions about what answers he’ll give, be open-minded. 3) If there is anyone (preferably neutral) that you can talk to about what’s going on and how you’re feeling, do. Don’t bottle your feelings up.4) Try very hard to think about what really is open to question now and what isn’t. It’s very easy when something like this happens to question absolutely everything, as all your certainties are gone and, as you said in your post, you question your identity. But think carefully about what remains true: you’re father’s good qualities are still good qualities, good memories you have are still good, that your father did not turn his back on you and his other children, whatever the truth about this youngest unknown sister. Holding on to the certainties that remain true despite this revelation, may make it slightly easier to cope with.I wish you all the very best.
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (21 June 2011): Well one thing is for sure, your father will NOT appreciate the existance of facebook.
...............................
A
female
reader, hopeFUL_romantic_13  +, writes (21 June 2011):
Honey I understand you are going through a rough time right now but please have some sympathy for this girl. Let's say after a DNA test is taken, you find out she IS your half sister. Are you really going to turn her away because you feel (perhaps threatened) like she is barging into your life? Think of how she feels right now. There's a father out there she has never met and is longing to. Is it so wrong as to want to meet a parent for the first time? She is probably experiencing a mixture of emotions right now such as anxiety, confusion, and fear. You may know kind of person your father is, this girl doesn't. That doesn't mean she doesn't want to though. How would you feel if the your role and hers were reversed? If this girl is indeed his daughter then don't turn her away. Try getting to know her first and take things slow. Tell her about her father and try to answer any questions she asks to the best of your ability. If she wants to have a meeting with her father, confront and persuade him. Tell him what you have learned about this girl and explain how important it is to her to get to see him at least once. All children who have parents that have a parent/parents they have never met, in the very least, deserve a first confrontation. If this girl is related to you, gradually accept into the family and see how it goes from there. I hope this has helped and best wishes!
...............................
|
