A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Me and my boyfriend were together for nine months and I was so happy. Suddenly, he broke up with me on Monday and I don’t understand why. He said he thinks we’re not suited and have different life experiences but I don’t understand how this can be as from the start we got along really well and our relationship seemed so great.We have many of the same tastes in films, music and books. We both like finding new and interesting stuff to do. We love talking and find conversation really easy and interesting. We have the same worldview and outlook on life. We both felt a real emotional connection. We had our own private jokes and pet names. It sometimes felt like I was chasing him because I often texted first and confirmed dates, he wouldn’t let me know where and when we were meeting sometimes until a few hours before which made me think he didn’t want to. He also often didn’t contact me for a couple of days but this was an issue from the beginning of our relationship. His sister also told me that he's not the type of person who is bothered by a girl making first contact. He was always really happy to see me. He was also very loving and caring in his actions towards me and also very romantic and made lots of big gestures - we spent a night in a hotel just because, he booked a fancy restaurant and the London Eye for Valentine's. That’s why I didn’t think the texting was a big deal as his actions showed me how he felt. He also said he really cared about me and felt that he could fall in love with me. We never argued, we had a couple of disagreements but they were always respectful. I think the only problem was that our relationship was long-distance so sex wasn't often and he also had problems keeping an erection. I supported him about this. I never made fun and told him that it happens. He also always said that he loved my body and I was so beautiful.I am so confused and hurting right now. I just don’t understand why because he was so into me. He said he might change his mind in a couple of months but right now he can't see us as being more than friends. It’s been five days since and I’m finding it so difficult to cope. The break-up was totally unexpected. I feel like I should’ve been stronger. I feel like I showed him weakness because I just cried the whole time. My job and my friends and family take my mind off things. I have hobbies and I go swimming. Still, I cry a lot and just feel so sad and lonely. I have not contacted him at all. I have removed him from my contacts and from Facebook as I feel I can move on easier that way. I do want him back but I’m not going to chase after him. Can anyone give me any advice? Advice from guys would be much appreciated. Is there hope for our relationship? Should I contact him, how and when?
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male
reader, wherelifewouldtakeus +, writes (21 September 2016):
 Bypassing all the unknown problems, I feel i should say this ( I could be wrong ) but! there is absolutely no point on trying to salvage a relationship with someone unreliable and with fly risk tendencies.how do you know that if you guys get back together again he won't run off again...? If indeed there no signs that the relationship was slowly deteriorating and if he never gave you any warning or mentioned that he wasn't happy what is the point on all this? what were you doing together?He gave you no chance to redeem yourself, he didn't even give you a real tangible reason why this relationship is over, he doesn't think much of it then. Don't wait for him to come around in a few month move on from this, this is the best advice I could give you in a situation like this!.don't get dangled in that web!
A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (21 September 2016):
 I have no idea why he would introduce you to all his family and then break up with you. As I said only he has the answers. But you need to move on now. He obviously had his reasons, and it will be hard on you. But you will get past it, you will begin to feel better and you will be back to yourself in no time. Make sure you keep active and busy with family and friends.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 September 2016): I didn't constantly have to arrange dates. We would talk about the next date when we were saying goodbye and he would often be the one to ask me to do something. What I meant was that when it came to confirming the night before or the morning of he wouldn't confirm and I had to text him first. Sometimes, he wouldn't reply for ages but then I'd get a text and he'd be really happy that he was seeing me. I just took this a quirk of his personality and tried to adapt. I like to plan ahead whereas he seemed more spontaneous.
As for the texting he did make the first move often too and initially we talked every day but later on there were times we skipped a day and we wouldn't talk at all. I guess, in hindsight his is a red flag. I chose to see it as him just needing a bit of time on his own and I also did my own thing. I never talked to him about it as I didn't want to seem like I need him too much. I have my own life too.
I didn't think how often you texted someone was an indicator of how much you like them. I chose to look at his actions - He was always planning surprises for me and doing little romantic things. He always wanted me to have a good time on our dates, he constantly talked about how much he missed me, I went away on holiday and he texted every day saying he missed me, how he couldn't wait to see me, about all the things we would do in the future.
He introduced me to his friends and family and I introduced him to mine. His family even commented that he was totally besotted with me. This was just a couple of months before we broke up. I had no reason to think anything was wrong. Why would a man introduce you to his friends and family if he wasn't serious? I definitely saw a future with him so yes, I was totally blindsided.
Anyway I'm feeling a lot better and a bit more hopeful about the future now so thanks to everyone for the support.
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty +, writes (19 September 2016):
The answers he gave you sound like excuses. It is obvious he does not want to be with you any more and my guess is that he tried to let you down gently. Sadly he is the only one that has the answers. Maybe he just did not want a girlfriend anymore, maybe he felt he was two busy, maybe he wants to be single, it is also possible that he could have met someone else.
You have done the right thing by deleting all contact methods. Don't try and contact him, he never made an effort to contact you when you where together, which really is a red flag as if he was very interested he would not go days before reaching out as he would miss you to much. Sure he showed you he cared when together but sometimes that is just not enough.
It is going to be difficult for you, it will be hard, but allow your family and friends to support you, it does get easier.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 September 2016): I don't see it as a unexpected breakup .. you make reference after reference about you having to arrange dates and always reaching out .. those things never abode well for a future with someone .. of course he was happy when with you ..You know the saying love the one your with .. I think you need to realise you deserve better and you do .. let this one go .. do not wait around for him to come crawling back ..who needs him. .You do not .. your not second best ..your not the back burner girl Your the 'you should know it's special that I'm special or to devil with you girl' .. So go out and date .. In time this feeling will pass and you will laugh and think gee did I really get into a tizz over this ..Take care chin up xx
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 September 2016): Hi, I'm the OP. Thanks for all the replies and support.Regarding the distance, we actually both live in the same city (London) and saw each other two, sometimes three times a week. However, I live in the south and he lives in the north and it took over an hour to get to each other, plus we both work so most Saturdays we met up in central instead of each other's houses. We met up at each other's house about once a month but sometimes he didn't even want sex. We were intimate and did stuff but there were times he just wanted to cuddle or we fell asleep holding each other. So if sex was the reason, I don't understand this because it seemed like he was more interested in the cuddling and closeness. I don't think he found someone else. He may have, but I don't think he did. He has a full-time job. We saw each other several times a week and he had a lot of hobbies, went hiking often and went to the gym so I don't think he had time. I honestly don't think I mistook his strong emotions for anything. I know he really cared about me too, he showed it often. He was also protective and would get concerned about me if I did something simple like trip or walk into a door! He'd be all over me "OMG, are you ok?" I believed him when he said he could fall in love with me because his actions showed that he was feeling more too.I think what really hurts is that he didn't discuss any issues with me, he just broke up. It makes me feel like he just wasn't invested in the relationship.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 September 2016): When you're blind-sided and don't really know exactly why you broke-up, you simply come to terms based on the reasons you were given. They may sound lame, void of logic, and chock full of holes; but take the simplest excuse and leave it at that.
All seemed well for you, but you may have overlooked a lot of red-flags. You may have been a lot more into him, than he was into you. If you know distance was also a factor, anyone who has been in a long-distance relationship knows how strenuous they can be. If you were apart and he wasn't getting enough sex, that doesn't explain his failure to maintain an erection. He may have been receiving fulfillment from another source, considering you live apart.
The best advice that can be given, is to accept that the relationship is over for whatever reason. Allow yourself to move on and heal. Honestly, searching for reasons and explanations mean little when you never had the chance for equal say in the breakup. It was presented to you, and you were given no options.
If someone decides to leave you; there is nothing they can say that will make you feel better, or help you to accept it on the spot. You have to undergo the process of detaching and letting go. Not keep yourself in suspended-animation waiting for an understandable reason it didn't work, when it all seemed to be working. People often pretend and go along; until they can no longer keep up the facade. He may have tried his best to give you what you wanted. Trying to be the guy you wanted him to be, but he couldn't keep it up. Trying to fulfill your every dream and desire in a relationship. Until it become a chore.
You might also consider that he may have found someone else. Abrupt breakups often have a mystery person waiting in the wings. You don't fall out of love so easily; unless you found someone you think is an even better match. Making the choice would be easier if you've had an emotional head-start preparing to breakup. Along with the time to mentally process the separation, and execute the termination of the existing relationship. If you were long-distance, he had plenty of opportunity to find someone else.
It's a hard pill to swallow, and it hurts all the more.
Breakups are painful in order to allow the couple to separate and get-over each other. The suffering comes from grief and loss. The withdrawal from detachment, is agonizing. Then comes the anger and resentment. That is the mind coming to terms with the futility of the situation; and frustration that it didn't work. That's the part that helps you to move on. If you're over 30, you've survived breakups before. They all hurt. Yet you do survive them.
You're going to be fine, and you will live to find someone even better. Often that's what fate and destiny decide without requiring our permission. Yet it happens to our benefit in the long-run.
Be good to yourself. Be selfish as you please; just don't allow bitterness or frustration to take hold of you. It will only happen if you allow it to.
It sometimes gets worse before it gets better; but you will come out on the other side of this. You will survive; but only if you don't torture yourself demanding closure or holding on to false-hope for a reconciliation. It was long-distance, and the odds were against you.
The prognosis is good. You'll go through some pain, but you will make a full-recovery. I've been there and I've done that. I wrote articles on DC about it to help myself heal, and to help others going through the same pain.
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A
female
reader, llifton  +, writes (18 September 2016):
 I know you didn't necessarily ask why he may have split with you, but it sounds like the distance may have been the culprit. Long distance is definitely difficult as you don't get to see the person much and there are so many other potential options right in front of your face. It's tough, at its very best, for even the most solid couples.
As far as having hope, the best thing you can do for YOURSELF is to not hold on to hope. Holding on to hope will only keep you from moving on. I would proceed from here as though the relationship is permanently over and can not be reconciled. Best case scenario would be he wants to work things out later on and you decide if you would like to at that time give it another go. If he doesn't ever come back around, you're already moving on. Just don't differ by holding on.
As far as contacting him, I probably wouldn't unless you feel it can give you better closure. But if you're hoping to remain friends or reconcile, I wouldn't try. I don't think he's going to reconcile and I wouldn't try to be friends until you're over him completely. I would wait a good while before making any contact.
I wish you the best of luck and I'm sorry you are hurting.
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A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts +, writes (18 September 2016):
 I'm not so damning when it comes to LDRs; they can be great, but only if both people are invested in each other equally.I also won't suggest he could have been cheating because he struggled to keep an erection; he could have been stressed/nervous/uninterested at the time/etc.However, I don't think you should wait around. Move on and it will gradually get easier. Some relationships just aren't meant to be.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 September 2016): Well, every relationship and person is different. So I cannot even begin to guess what his real reason for break up is. But I can share my story with you and you can decide if there are any similarities to your situation.My boyfriend and I are in a long distance relationship. We met online and he was the one who flew to my home State to meet me. Had he not flown over to meet me, we'd most likely not have a relationship today as I didn't really believe in Long Distance Relationships.During the first year we were together we visited eachother every month and was in our 'honeymoon' phase. We just enjoyed the love and each other's company. We talked all the time and agreed on everything. It was all magical as if I found the PERFECT guy in this world. But as we neared our one year anniversary, I started getting glimpses of who he really is, what he really liked. That was when I realized that I was in a way blinded during our entire first year together. I realized he wasn't all that PERFECT... that there were things I still adored about him but there were things I totally disliked. At this point I had two options - 1. Break Up OR 2. Accept and Compromise. We both chose to accept each other's flaws and compromise and work on our relationship. Here we are going on our 4th year together.Your boyfriend might have gone thru the same thing, and rather choosing to talk with you and work out the situation, he chose to end it. Being in a LDR is very difficult, it requires alot of effort on both partners and not everyone is up for that. I would suggest to give him some time and to not contact him. Go on your normal daily routines. You were fine before he came into your life, you can be fine after he leaves too. Good Luck!
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious +, writes (18 September 2016):
 Sending you a big HUG. It's early days and you WILL hurt. You will hurt a LOT but you WILL get through this (as you know). Well done for removing his contact details. Going cold turkey is the shortest and quickest way to end the pain. It's like pulling a plaster off your arm in one go - a sharp intake of breath at the initial pain, then it starts to fade. Pull it slowly and the pain lasts longer. Let your friends and family know how bad you feel and that, for the time being at least, you need support and distraction. Try to wean yourself off thinking about him. At first try not thinking about him for 5 mins, then 10 mins, and so on. Before long you will find this becomes easier. Nobody really knows why he broke up with you. There would have been a lot of reasons. Maybe he got embarrassed about his erection problems. Men can be very insecure about that sort of thing, especially as it can happen when they are trying too hard (no pun intended). Maybe he is just a player and wasn't looking for anything serious. Maybe he found someone else. Maybe something completely different. Wondering will drive you crazy so just accept he did not want to continue the relationship. You deserve better.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (18 September 2016):
 Whenever break up reasons sound bullshit, they usually are. Long distance relationships, long, short, going nowhere, are sometimes a cover up for the real reason that it can't be serious. It's easier to lie and to put up a front when most of your contact is through electronic media. As for reasons why he can't stay erect. He could have been two timing you. The guilt of deceiving a woman is enough for a dick to go limp. The dick tells the truth about the relationship, not the lavishness he spoiled you at the restaurant. Unless he has a medical issue, which is not common if he's the same age as you.
It doesn't sound like you did anything wrong at all in the relationship. You feel very hopeless because you hoped you have the power to change things, and to change his mind. Believe me I went through this before. It's very painful.
My only advice is to avoid long distance relationships at all times, unless you had a fiancé who had to move for a job, for a training temporarily and then you would get married after he's back.
For him to say he would change his mind is to leave you hanging so he would slowly "wean off the drug." You must not take this as a hope that one day you would get back together. Even if you got back with him you could not trust that he won't break up with you again.
My guess was he found someone else in his city or he had another long distance girlfriend right from the beginning. Or something that prevents him from having a full blown relationship.
The only thing you can rely on, as proof of how successful a relationship, is consistency, frequent contact and transparency. Feelings like "being into me," having a special connection, seeing romantic gestures, these can also found in affairs and futile on and off relationships. I think you are hooked on to such strong emotions and have mistaken them for love.
You should not contact him again. Your heart is more resilient than you think. Promise yourself you would not go into a relationship where a guy makes you feel insecure and unsatisfied. A good relationship should make you feel peaceful and confident.
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