A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hello agony aunts and uncles, I am a 26 year old gay man in the need of advice. My story begins with a man that messaged me from afar on a dating app. In the beginning, I thought it was just going to be a long distance kind of thing that would fade away. Two years later we met in person my state (he lives in the neighboring state to mine--and drove a good four hours to see me). During this time, we had our ups and downs, but we did do things sexually (we did not fully engage in sex). He made me really question myself. I couldn't tell if he was into me or not. However, shortly after spending time with me we kept in contact daily. And then I began to realize the dynamic between us is that we are friends. And a part of me was sad, but I was very happy to also have him in my life in any kind of role. About 2 years ago, I got in a relationship and I still maintained contact with him as friends. So about three months into my relationship he began a relationship of his own. About 6 months ago my relationship ended. And through it all we maintained in contact. I let him know about it and he consoled me. So surprisingly 3 months ago his own relationship ended and this led to him reaching out to me asking if I could go and visit him to which I did about two months after his break up. During our time spent together we had a much better time than our first time spending together. And the first night things became unusually more intimate. Well, right in the midst of all of it...we almost kissed. This was a shocker for me because we're friends. And this is the moment those feelings I had tried to hide resurfaced. Since that trip he has texted me daily and I text him back. And somehow, I don't know if I should continue to pursue him or not? He's sent me too many confusing signals. He runs hot and then cold. He has become sweeter with his communication with me...the other day I was having a bad day telling him I felt unappreciated. I wasn't fishing for him to tell me he appreciated me, but he did. Have I gone love blind? Am I seeing what I want to see? Is he interested in me? Sure, I can ask him--but I don't want to risk him being caught off guard and then pushing away. I really don't even know if it's healthy to continue constant communication, but every time I stop communicating he eventually makes his way back to me. I'd like to think there's a chance for us, but I also don't want to allow my desires to takeover reality. I really think we'd make a good couple too. Any and all help is appreciated
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (22 September 2016): I am the original poster. Thanks for the advice. It's not what I most want to hear, but it is what I needed to hear. As an initiative I have stopped contacting him period. I only fear he will be contacting me...as he does tend to do that.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 September 2016): There were a few points you made that stood out for me. You ended a relationship 6 months ago. You met each other the second time, two months after his ended. Being fresh out of relationships, feelings are up in the air. So there will be a lot of uncertainty as to how you feel, and if you're over the last one. The danger would be feelings on the rebound.
He's running hot and cold, because he's not sure if he's ready to get back into a relationship. He may have unresolved issues or feelings for his ex. He's also weighing other factors. Such as distance, and the fact you maintain friendship with your ex. Pursuing him isn't the question. If he sends mixed signals; does he really want to be pursued? Sounds more like he's content in the friend-zone with possible benefits. You had better let him know that you'd rather be platonic friends than FWB's. You'll be the one catching feelings; while he's not so sure or conflicted. You're already part of the way there!
You have to establish relationships based on truth. You can't have hidden feelings and pretend otherwise; just to have someone in your life. You'll silently suffer if he decides to date other people. That's excruciating, and jealousy may make you bitter.
It started out as a potential romance; so you now need to establish if friendship is all he wants with you. Avoiding the truth is childish. He has a right to say yes or no. Rather than put yourself through the torture of pining for him, but not having him the way you really want him.
You need to sit down together and let him know that you are still considering a romance. If he's not on the same page, then you need to sort it out in your mind if you'd be happy seeing him now and then. While he may date other people. Meanwhile; you'll be left clinging by your unrequited feelings for him. We gays do that far too often my friend!
What's romance without drama?
You have to ask him if he'd like to pursue a romance. Then man-up and deal with the answer. If you ask me, I think your timing is off. Asking if someone is interested in a new romance just after breaking-up is risky. Careful to avoid friends with benefits, that can be a trap emotionally.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (17 September 2016):
 People wouldn't usually look for serious relationships from others who live 4 hours away. I remember when I dabbled with dating sites and saw men who lived more than 2 hours away contact me, I would be wondering why bother, and just ignored them. I know of people who look for these long distance pals as in-between partners for ego stroking or as distraction. Meaning that they would have their relationship troubles or it's on and off, so when they need to distract themselves from the pain they would go for a long drive to visit a friend and to refresh their minds. The distance becomes a reason that the visits would be sparse, and on purpose too so it won't develop into anything more serious. At the same time you find it hard to let it go, thinking that distance is the only obstacle. Every meeting is precious and time passed by so fast.
If I were you, I would not pursue him. I know you are hanging on by that special connection you had with him. You either ask him out officially, say let's try to be a couple, or you cut contact with him completely because as long as he is still on your mind, you won't be able to devote to a new guy who may live closer to you and won't play games. Being friends, suppressing your feelings due to being scared of pushing him away would only get you stuck in this vague zone.
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