A
male
age
26-29,
anonymous
writes:i found a picture of my girlfriend kissing an older guy at a bar. My girlfriend an i have been dating for almost 6 years now and i always let her know that i do not mind her going out to hang with co-workers or friends. She never goes anywhere so i encourage it. On the night of her last day at her job she went out to the bar with some co-workers. i can safely say that is probably her second time going out to a bar. She came to my place to stay afterwards. She was really drunk and fell asleep. I know my girlfriend is not the type to cheat on me, so when i say that i went through her phone it was not on the suspicion that she is cheating. I looked for pictures she may have taken so i can catch a glimpse of how her night went. She loves to take pictures since she is an aspiring model and i always enjoy her goofy side. When i opened up the pictures the first picture is of her and this old man with their lips together. It's not like an intentional kiss but more of a "duck face with puckered lips" that are touching. I confronted her about it and she tells me that she does not even remember taking the pictures and that it shocked her as well. She told me that he worked there and was the guy going around collecting the shot glasses. He was much older at least 40 years of age while she is only 21. She explained that it would not make sense to take the pictures and come to my place with them. Even so the pictures show the kiss and it was not just one picture but two. She claims nothing happened for sure and she doesnt not remember taking the picture. I am extremely hurt that this happened and i do not know what to do. She is never the type to cheat on me and this is the first time it happened. There are so many memories in our relationship and i love her a lot. how can i find myself to ever forgive her though? I am confused and stuck in a situation where i constantly upset myself by thinking of all the memories we shared. i need help and i dont know where to find it.
View related questions:
co-worker, drunk, kissing Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (19 September 2016):
 I would be upset and hurt if I was you as well. It will be difficult to move on from it and get the trust back, but I don't think it is a good enough reason to end a 6 year relationship. It does sound innocent, however how can she guarantee nothing happened if she cannot even remember the photo? That makes no sense to me.
She needs to make things up to you now, and she needs to know that you are struggling. First off I think she should stop drinking if this is the outcome. Maybe talk to her about that, but you should try and work things out, allow her to win back the trust you had in her.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 September 2016): It's not a deal breaker in my opinion but a little on the shady side.So, I would say you would be in wait and see mode...Do not get too bent but also do not totally dismiss it. I would not leave your relationship over it but I would not totally trust her either. And that is sad because trust is most important in a relationship. Think about how she would feel if the shoe was on the other foot and you did what she did with an older female colleague or just any female? I am pretty sure she would blow her lid.Have you been neglecting her? Or each other? Has anything gotten in the way of your intimacy that has perhaps edged her towards seeking attention elsewhere for validation? This needs to be addressed and discussed. You need to keep your foundation strong in order to nurture your relationship. It is a constant process. And women need to be emotionally connected. If they begin to flirt with other men or seek attention elsewhere, this could be a sign they are disconnecting from their current relationship so you need to pay close attention to actions.Is she usually flirty and very social with others? Is this normal? Flirty behaviour is always dangerous. Yes, you can dismiss it by saying "Oh, that's just the way they are or it's just harmless fun..." but I always think there is a reason behind the behaviour. And you are setting yourself up for situations you may not have intended (or intended?) to be in. So always tread lightly with the flirtations. Never a good idea in my mind. Especially with older men who, let's face it, are men and they are older. Many of them would not hesitate at an opportunity to try it on with a younger, and especially vulnerable (intoxicated) woman. So, she needs to be more responsible and more accountable to you and your relationship by NOT putting herself in a compromising position... ever.So, absolutely have a discussion about it. Do not get mad or defensive. Just tell her how her behaviour makes you feel and what your fears are. Set your boundaries. If she crosses them again, then you can decide if she is worth it. Or whether you feel she is the type of person who is angling towards cheating on you. You really cannot continue this relationship if you do not believe in her. If this is one incident which can be put aside, go ahead and put it aside. But make sure she knows she cannot do this again. Perhaps she needs to stop going to bars with colleagues if she cannot handle it. I think this is not an unreasonable request. If she does it again, then show her the door. Because she has not only disrespected your wishes and your relationship but she is purposely trying to take a walk on the wild side, and it does not include you.Hope this helped.
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (19 September 2016):
 I would be upset too if I were you.
While I question a bit that she can't remember the photo and the kiss... but she can recall that nothing else happened... that makes no sense.
So to me, she doesn't WANT to remember it or it's hazy.
I think if you believe her when she says it won't happen again, you two can have a talk about boundaries. What you are OK with and what you are not.
1. I think she might want to consider her drinking when she DOES go out. Now it can't be that timing was bad (some women can't drink much at all during certain parts of their cycle) and it might be she wasn't paying attention to how much she was drinking. And that can be dangerous.
2. kissing other people on the mouth is a no-no (unless it's her sister/brother/mother/father/granny)
3. go out with people she can trust. THAT really is vital. The buddy system really works.
Is a kiss for a picture a big deal? Well, not really. But if it's NOT OK with you, then it needs never happen again.
Could I personally forgive it? Yes. But this is not MY relationship, it's yours. Talk it through.
...............................
A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (18 September 2016):
 Shit happens. It's life. You will get over it if you realize that this is an insignificant event. It might be made out to be a big deal, and everyone around you might think it's a big deal, but it's not. Not when you see the whole picture. If you are with her for the rest of your life, when you are 50, will you look at her and think that this picture was a big deal? You wont, I guarantee it. Especially not after you've had your own round of embarrassment and poor judgment, which we ALL have at least 3-8 times in our lives. Some more than others, but everyone f-s up now and then. Even perfect women like your girlfriend, who apparently in the 6 years you've been together, hasn't done anything like this before.
It's wasn't romantic, she doesn't have an affair with the guy, in a sober condition she wouldn't have NEVER done this, and it was a poor decision made in the excitement of alcohol and not thinking twice/following group pressure. She probably feels like shit about it and is extremely embarrassed and afraid to show her face at work now. Never mind probably feeling sad about disappointing you.
Here's what you do. You tell it it's not okay to kiss someone else, period. If she can't control herself when drunk/can't say no when group pressure is on, she shouldn't go to these types of parties or drink that much. End of story. Then you move on with life as the lesson has been learned.
That's the clue, really. As long as you figure out what is okay and what isn't, you learn from it, and then it doesn't happen again and it's ok. We all have to make mistakes in order to learn. We all have to be put in a situation like this in order to know what we should have done differently. Not everyone are born with full insight into a life and with the wisdom of an old person. It's about living and learning. As long as the lesson is learned, you accept what happened and let it go.
Trust me, you will make your own mistakes in due time too. Always treat someone the way you want to be treated yourself. Allow for humans to be human, and humans aren't angels. Humans make mistakes, it happens. This was not a harmful mistake, no one got hurt or financially wounded and there is a big difference between a puckered lips kiss taken for fun, and a full on make-out session. Keep that in mind.
...............................
A
female
reader, malvern  +, writes (18 September 2016):
 I agree with Lliftons answer. This looks like it waa a 'one off' and you never know, it could have been the glass collector who instigated the whole thing anyway. It could have even been her co-workers cheering her on, people do these things when they've all had a few too many drinks, a bit of a laugh, a bit of mock teasing, you don't know the situation that led up to it. Understandably it's hurtful to you but it seems doubtful it would happen again. Try to put it behind you and comfort yourself with the fact that it was drink related and nothing serious.
...............................
A
female
reader, llifton +, writes (18 September 2016):
 Okay, so I do see why you are upset. But I think this is one you have to let go. I can envision the picture in my head of what it must have looked like, and it honestly sounds pretty innocent. You may hear some differing opinions here, however, it just sounds like a harmless drunken pose that was snapped and meant absolutely nothing. I think you're over-analyzing the situation a bit, in my humble opinion. And that's easy to do when you love someone.
If you trusted her before, I don't see this as a reason to not trust her now. I would let it go.
Fyi, if she has only been out to a bar twice, and one of those times resulted in her not remembering parts of her evening, she needs to be very careful something way worse doesn't happen. I hope she is safer next time she goes out!
...............................
|
