A
male
age
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*ustquestions
writes:First my background. I've been separated 6 months now after a long term marriage (over 25 years). My wife and I grew apart over the years and two children are grown and gone and the last one is in her third year of HS and has basically encouraged me to leave. I tried for over a year to get my wife to go to marriage counseling and actually went by myself. I actually still go without her and continue to encourage her to go. She refuses and only went twice with me. I feel like I've done my part to rescue our marriage and stayed until the children were grown. While I still care about what happens to her, I can't imagine going back without necessary changes happening to grow close once again. I don't think she wants to change anything though. Because of this, I am investigating getting to know other women again and am interested in dating on a casual level at this point. Things have changed though since I was last available and I'm trying to figure something out. There are two women I'm interested in getting to know closer. I've known one for over 2.5 years and we've become close friends. She has been separated for over 3 years now and has made no move to finalize her marriage although she has no intension of ever going back. About 1.5 years ago she met an old boyfriend and she quickly invited him to move in with her and her daughters. She has stayed in continuous contact with me though and our paths cross frequently. I have figured out that she seems to be the "nesting" type and is very much interested in security. Longer term, that is what I want again too. Our paths do cross fairly regularly and a few days ago we had a long talk about us again. About a month ago she was making comments to me on the side that made me think something was up between her and her boyfriend. I kept my fingers crossed and kept waiting for her to really talk with me. We had one very meaningful embrace while this was going on but that was all. In the long talk that we finally had (that I initiated) she said that she and her boyfriend do disagree sometimes and that for all she knew things could fall apart between them at any time. She also said though that for all she knew she could also be with him forever. She has repeatedly said though that she does not want to marry him though even though he has expressed this interest to her. (Remember though that she can't right now anyway because she is still technically married to her ex husband) She said that all she can offer me at this time is friendship.Without her coming out and saying it, I know that things did hit a rough patch between them, but they fixed things up again. She said again that all she has to offer me at this time is friendship and that would have to be enough. We had a similar discussion a few months earlier. We will continue to cross paths though and I was actually at her house today to help her with her computer. Her whole family knows me well (including her mother and ex-husband) and I have become a good friend to all of them (except of course her ex-husband who just tolerates me). Her boyfriend was also there and he also knows me and doesn't like me. It's obviously very tense when we meet. Given what she has said, I'm going to back off from her. I think she will find ways to keep me from completely disappearing from her life. We see each other about once a week at the gym or other places we both frequent. So, even though I wish it was more often and I wish we could have more of a real relationship, I guess that's all it will be. She did ask my about my married situation too when we spoke (now six months separated) and it could be that she wants that to resolve itself one way or another so that she doesn't get left behind since she does seem to be the security type. Ultimately, she knows that I would be more likely to provide better financial security to her and her daughters than her boyfriend who is a truck driver. I think we also have more long term interests in common than the two of them have. I don't know what else I can do at this point though so I will do pretty much what she has asked. I am talking a little more regularly with another woman now. She has known me for years and has known of the lonely situation between my wife and me as well. (We have done things separately for years and she had noticed this) Without specifically saying it, she basically expressed an interest in getting to know me better if my wife and I ever broke up. So, while I think I know her well enough that I don't believe she would openly date until after I am officially divorced, I think we can talk and build a bond that way and I can see what develops. This might be better for me at this time anyway. My interest is more in the other woman though than her, but getting to know the second woman better should keep me from going "overboard" with the first woman and getting myself in too much trouble there. It's been a long time since I've done anything close to dating and a lot seems to have changed. I don't think the first woman will disappear on me although I will have to force myself to back off and treat her as only a good friend as she has asked. Can anyone shed any light on what she might be thinking. Is she interested in me longer term? Am I doing the right thing? Do I still know how to play this game or will I be hopeless after being away for so long? Who knows, having two superficial relationships at this time might be better for me than one intense one anyway. Comments?
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (6 January 2011): I guss you are 50+ means matured enough to take care of things by your own. Enjoy every moment as it goes by. Don't plan a dating. It will just happen. Let it come in its own.
A
female
reader, ToHereKnowsWhen  +, writes (6 January 2011):
 Hey justquestions, it sounds like you are playing a game of chess with all those moves, strategies and analysis. LOL. You seem like a really nice man. The two women will appreciate you behaving like a gentleman.Don't forget that the 'first' woman, may not be as conscious of security and such practical matters as you think. She has a boyfriend and despite their ups and downs, may actually be in love with him. It may be uncomfortable for her and uncomfortable for her boyfriend (which would also make her feel uncomfortable) if you are seen 'circling' over them like a vulture, waiting for the demise of their relationship. It may never happen.I can see you have two wonderful opportunities but take it easy on yourself. For a long time you have grown accustomed to having a woman somewhere in your life. Right now might be a good opportunity to enjoy spending a little time alone.Don't do analysis, just follow your heart.
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A
female
reader, xanthic +, writes (6 January 2011):
 The right thing to do would be to get a divorce, then look for women to date that are unattached. Getting involved with the first one will definitely be a mess, she's still technically married and possibly also has a boyfriend on the side.
If you're not interested in pursuing the second one seriously, let her find someone else that really wants to be with her. It sounds like you'd date her only as a convenient distraction, which would be incredibly selfish of you to do.
But above all else, get a divorce first. You can't have your cake and eat it too.
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A
female
reader, Nonamus +, writes (6 January 2011):
I think your plan on slowly getting to know both women is a good one. I believe it takes about a year to get over a divorce, so even though you've been headed that way a long time, continuing to go slow is best.
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