A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hi, I need some insights... My bf and I are in a great relationship for over a year and half, we love each other so much and we plan on getting married. But he's a MAN and he can't help looking at other women. I know, they say it's normal, "men are visual creatures" blah blah blah. Today I caught him again looking at a woman's legs today while we were sitting in the subway train. I'm not a fashion model, you could say I'm the average, pretty, not-too-tall type (appearance-wise). I know he loves me, but whenever I see him looking at other women, makes me feel inferior, unloved, unimportant, not good enough. It makes me cry. At least when he's in my company, he could refrain from doing it. I don't know what to do to accept that, I just can't... He can stare all he wants, but not when I'm around, it just hurts me. You might say I'm absurd, but I don't stare at fit guys, muscles or God knows what else. I just see them, because I'm not blind, but I don't stare. I don't even consider having fantasies with them. This is me, this is what I am, maybe some women DO fantasize about muscular guys, but I don't, because I'm really into my boyfriend. I just don't know how to tell him this, I don't want him to think I'm clingy, needy or some crazy paranoid, I don't want to make him feel bad about it and start hiding me things. I'm an insecure person myself, been through some nasty relationships, been cheated twice in the past and now, every little detail that doesn't fit the happy frame makes me go paranoid. How do I make him understand that his behavior hurts me? and makes me feel like I'm not that good enough for him to take interest in me... Please, I need some help on how to approach this subject with him... Thank you in advance!
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 February 2011): Communication is so important - and always worth a try. It doesn't always work though. Just because you let him know how you feel doesn't mean he'll stop. I know because I am an excellent communicator and have the same problem with no results. I tried making a little joke out of it, I tried asking him to at least wait until I'm not around, I had a late night heart to heart with him telling him how it bothered me -- and NOTHING changed. He ogles one type - a type that I'm not. This doesn't lower my self esteem because I get stares from guys all the time and I'm fine with the way I look (probably because of the appreciative stares). It just makes me a little sad that I'm not what my hubby wants physically and sad for him that he can't have his "type" since he's married to me. To "Petinal": other guys may look at this young lady who wrote in with the issue but I doubt that makes her feel any better - she wants HER guy looking at her.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 January 2011): "Men are visual creatures." So what? That doesn't make it any more respectful for them to ogle other women in front of their girlfriend/wife. Go for someone more evolved and in control of himself. Men can control this; and many do. Trust me they're not ALL this disrespectful. It's not your problem; it's absolutely his that he should be working on if he cares about you and wants to make you happy. It's not acceptable social behavior, no matter how many men try to justify it by saying they "can't help it." You have the right to have deal breakers and demand respect from your boyfriend. However, you can't change them unless they want to change. It's easier to just find a boyfriend to whom respecting women comes naturally. I did have a boyfriend once who would do this. I made it clear that it was a huge turnoff sexually and made him less attractive to me. He never did it again.
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reader, diamondgirl83bi +, writes (7 January 2011):
This is plain and simple....jealous or not...wrong is wrong! When your man has wondering eyes in front of you hes saying 2 things..."#1 HES SILENTLY ADMITTING 2 NOT ONLY U AND THAT CHICK BUT 2 ANYONE WATCHING"that he finds her more attractive than you which is how she was able 2 steal the spot light.Becuz of this a complete stranger learns more about Ur relationship then even yourself.#2 hes obviously admitting the lil 2 no respect or consideration he has 4 u and ur feelings for only a heartless fool would want 2 make the woman they love feel inferior or less than and this is obvious reactions 2 his behavior so wht gives.now stop the silence and speak up cuz until u do he may not even see it as an issue considering u never spoke up
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 January 2011): Hi Poster
I had this same problem with my bf and for me, it is NOT acceptable and a deal breaker. I did some internet searching and found a site by Tracy Cox, the sex therapist and she covered this very topic. So, as follows:- she said if a women is overtly provocotive, with her tits on show and a short skirt, then most people will look as it is unusual. However, if your guy is giving another female the once over in front of you, this is NOT acceptable. You then give him 3 chances to change his ways. If he doesn't change, then you fire him out of the door. If you have esteem issues anyway, then this will continue to make you feel like crap. Of course, please work on your esteem but your other half is being a jerk.
Out of respect for my bf, I do not eye other men up whilst we are out and I expect the same respect from him. I gave him that ultimatum, after showing him Tracey Cox's website, and now he's very keen not to look. Occasionally he will glance but no more than that. He also gets looked at as he is very good looking, so I realise that other women are not entirely flawless and I have to admit it pisses me off - keep your hands off my man!!!!
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 January 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionCerberus - I talked to him about it. He said he's sorry and that he'll keep it under control. The conversation went easier than I expected, I tried not to make a big deal out of it and use a neutral voice. He reacted ok, unlike me, he;s so natural and can easily speak his mind... Wish I were like him from this point of view. Maybe aiming for this made me in love with him, I don't know.
"Have you not been thought how to communicate your feelings properly, did your parents never teach you not to keep your feelings bottled up?" - surprisingly, no, I haven't and they didn't. I'm from a rigid family, we hide things from each other because of the others' reactions to the things you say or do. This is one of the reasons that make me think I'll end up lonely, that everyone expects me to screw it up so they can throw it in my face.
Anyway, thank you everyone for taking time to answer, you have no idea how much it helped me see things in different manner. I know I have a lot to work on for myself. I have to re-build my self-image and self-esteem. It's a long hard way, but with counseling, I'll make it. I have to make it somehow, because I can't live being depressed.
Thank you !
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 January 2011): "I don't want him to stop staring, it'd be useless and stupid to ask him this, it's natural. But I want him to stop doing it with me around."
OP you completely ignored my advice altogether and frankly it's the solution to your problem, it seems to me like you'd rather this problem didn't go away.
Let me say it again then, TALK TO HIM ABOUT IT!!!
"Why wouldn't he make this compromise for me?" Would you compromise with a person who turns to internet strangers for the solution to a problem without actually telling you there is a problem? How does that make sense to you?! He doesn't even know there's a problem because you won't tell him!
You're sitting there going crazy about something that he can easily sort out but you won't actually talk to him about it. You can't even communicate with your own boyfriend. Instead you're getting more and more worked up wondering why he's not a mind reader and why he can't magically change something when he doesn't even know there's something wrong.
"Why wouldn't he stop staring at women legs with me around?" this why --- "pretend forever I don't see it"
OP your problem isn't your insecurity, it's this absolutely insane way you are dealing with this. Have you not been thought how to communicate your feelings properly, did your parents never teach you not to keep your feelings bottled up? Look what's happening to you.
You could have stopped this by just saying it to him, asking him not to do it while you're around and he would have but instead you decided to not do that and now look at what's happened to you.
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reader, Miamine  +, writes (6 January 2011):
 So he "ogles"... Those type of men make you feel ugly and inferior and make you unhappy as long as you stay with them.Yes, he's right, all men probably "ogle", but most are kind enough to be very discrete about it when they are around a woman.Of course you shouldn't pretend... that's unhealthy.. As I said, I believe in pointing out rude behaviour when I see it. I see no reason why you have to put up with such things. Make yourself some standards, your standard is not to allow ANY man to make you feel like crap. Tell him off when you catch him ignoring you for a look at someone else. Dmartin89 is right though, if you don't like arguments you can do it with humour by making a joke... "Stop looking, your embarrassing her, besides she's a transvestite and she only dates women!"A man with a wandering eye can make you feel miserable.. Unfortunately, that's the way he is and he's the man you love and choose to be with.
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 January 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you everyone for your opinions. I know I have issues and I know it's not his fault, I don't seek his help, he's not responsible for anything.
But YES, he is that type of guy, he said himself once that men do that because they are pervs. He IS staring for long time. I didn't count the seconds, because I'd die counting.
@Miamine - he is staring at legs in different social contexts. A few months ago we were at some show and in front of us, in his lateral was sitting a hot girl with her legs exposed. He couldn't stop looking in that direction. I'm not inventing things nor reading into it. I KNOW, because I was there and I've noticed the trajectory of his eyes. The next day I decided I wanted to forget about it and just enjoy my life with him. Then it happened again and again and so on.
I don't want him to stop staring, it'd be useless and stupid to ask him this, it's natural. But I want him to stop doing it with me around. That's all. Indeed, I appreciate that he's got nothing to hide, but inevitably it makes me feel inferior. I know it's a self-image issue, but he's making it hard on me. I repeat: I'm not seeking for his help, NO ONE can help me but myself. I'm on my way to professional counseling, if you know what I mean...
Anyway, I know there are things that people can change about themselves. I've educated my urge to be clingy and attention seeking, I don't call him unless it's an emergency, I never show jealousy, I'm trying to act cool and neutral and I know this is good for myself especially, because I hope this becomes a habit, a way of life.
Why wouldn't he make this compromise for me? Why wouldn't he stop staring at women legs with me around? I have my limits, I can't pretend forever I don't see it. I know I should, it's healthier but I can't...
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reader, Miamine +, writes (6 January 2011):
"I'm an insecure person myself, been through some nasty relationships, been cheated twice in the past and now, every little detail that doesn't fit the happy frame makes me go paranoid."
You are not ready to think about marriage... happy frames happen in the movies, because the director can recut, retake and edit it the way he/she likes. Real life is a lot more messy.
Some men "ogle", stare fixated at every woman that passes, they are so blatant that you can't help but notice. These guys are rude and inconsiderate.
Other men, like most human beings have eyes and look at things unconsciously. You say you don't look at fit men... mmm... strange... do you keep your eyes on the floor and never see other human beings?
If you walk in the street, you notice things and you notice people. You notice children, old people, women who look nice, men who are ugly... only blind people do not stare.
"Today I caught him again looking at a woman's legs today while we were sitting in the subway train."
Your sitting on a train, usually all you can see is the legs of the people standing up, or the people sitting opposite you. Are you sure he was staring at her legs, or was he staring at the floor, or maybe lost in thought and not staring at all?
How long was he staring, seconds, minutes, the whole train journey? Did she notice him staring at her?
If your boyfriend is the first type of man, then just point out that he's staring everytime you catch him. There is nothing else that you can do other than leave him.
If he's the second type of person and you are very sensitive, you need to learn to gain more confidence and self-respect for yourself. This can't be gained by waiting for another person to like you or treat you right. You need to start loving yourself and thinking your the best person you can be.
Being unhappy and crushed because of someone's actions, or where somebody decides to move their eyes, will mean that other people and never you, will control your fate and your life.
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reader, comeonjesusthishurtstoomuch +, writes (6 January 2011):
 guys are inconsiderate if you let them do it they will snap the whip if he loves you enough to give you his last name then his looking should be over he's already found you right? Just sit down and talk to him about it tell him what you've told us he'll understand and if he doesn't then start doing it back i know i know 2 wrongs don't make a right but if he truely loves you the way you love him it will work gawk right in front of him give the up and down and a smile if your feelin sassy a little mmm mmm mmm under your breath when he calls you out and he will just say i thought it was ok since you do it if it bothers you we can quit together and honey your not absurd he's just being inconsiderate and disrespectful crack that whip girl life too short for that bs
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reader, Sweet-thing +, writes (6 January 2011):
 I think the 90 second rule makes sense. All guys are gonna glance for a minute, but if it appears that his gaze is lingering (yes you will need to time it) then it might be time to casually mention to him that it's disrespectful to you to act like this in front of you. If we don't set the bar for men, and we keep making excuses, things will never change. On the other hand, I hope you have better luck convincing him that he needs to change his behavior a bit. I'm twice your age and it still bugs the crap out of me when my husband gawks at other women. Luckily he at least tries to be sly, so I cut him some slack and yes I make sure I make an obvious glance at other men just to even the playing field. But what really gets me is when they say they don't look at porn, or act like they don't need it, and then you stumble onto a small stack hidden in the back of the closet. *sigh* Some thngs never change. Good luck and keep expecting excellence!
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 January 2011): "I just don't know how to tell him this, I don't want him to think I'm clingy, needy or some crazy paranoid, I don't want to make him feel bad about it and start hiding me things."
Just tell him, no big deal. Try not to make such a big deal out of something you haven't even discussed with him yet. He'll most likely either stop or be more discreet about it.
No big deal.
Yeah we guys check out other girls, but only briefly and only because some of them catch our eye but we'll gladly keep a lid on that for our girlfriends.
You just have to make sure this doesn't get out of control from your end. He could stop looking at girls but then your insecurities would find something else. Such as him working with too many girls, or talking to a female cashier for longer than 3 seconds etc. etc. As others have said this is mainly your issue him stopping looking at women is unlikely to get rid of those insecurities and the more paranoid you get, the more controlling and smothering you get.
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reader, sammi star +, writes (5 January 2011):
 dmartin89 is spot on. It's your problem, not your boyfriends. I mean that in the nicest possible way but until you understand that your lack of self esteem is making you feel the way you do there will always be a problem. If it wasn't this then it would be something else. You say yourself that it's because you've had bad relationships and been cheated on. Your boyfriend isn't one of those guys that treated you bad so stop punishing him for what other men have done to you in the past. So he looks at other women, it could be a whole lot worse! At least he's not acting on it! Looking is natural and it's actually a plus that he feels it's okay to do this in front of you, it shows he has nothing to hide.
If you really must bring it up then do it in a light jokey manner. Next time you catch him looking at another woman make a comment about her (not nasty) and gauge his reaction. Give him a playful nudge and tell him he could at least wait until you're not around before he starts checking out other women.
You know you've got a good guy, every other area of your relationship is happy so be careful not to become fixated on this one tiny problem.
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reader, olderthandirt  +, writes (5 January 2011):
 If the "look" lasts more than 90 seconds he's having a fantasy. Otherwise he's catching a casual glance. Tell him about the time limit and see if he responds. I know I would, hurting your loved one is never a good thing so tell him he's "on the clock" and pain will follow if he exceeds the time limit.
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 January 2011): I look at girls all the time, I even fantacise about Fng them. But I would never, and have never in 20 years, thought of cheating on my wife
IMHO I think you should really only say something if he is staring. That is disrespectful, particularly if it hers can see it. If he is just sneaking a glance? Well, he's human. It doesn't mean anything. Having a girlfriend who is constantly following your eyes, getting mad, being a pain in the ass - well, that is a significant issue
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reader, dmartin89 +, writes (5 January 2011):
 I can understand where you are coming from, I used to feel the same when I first started dating my OH.
However, after a while you just have to accept that if there is a pretty girl around, or a nice pair of legs, it will get more attention than most other things. It doesn't bother me, as a bi woman, I look at other women too. But just because I am appreciating someone by looking, it doesn't mean I am thinking of touching them or that I want them more than my OH.
Although your feelings are natural, you are overreacting a little. You said that you love him and that you are planning on getting married; for your relationship to be successful you cant start changing the other person by asking them to not do something that is natural for them.
You ask him "Honey I don't like you looking at other girls, it makes me feel bad". So whenever you are out together he has to deliberately look in the other direction of any other girl? How will that work?
"makes me feel like I'm not that good enough for him to take interest in me" - He isn't MAKING you feel anything. Your emotions are coming from your lack of self esteem, which isn't his fault.
Your insecurities are not caused by him, they are caused by you. The "behavior" you talk of, I don't see a problem with, although I am aware there are a lot of overbearing women out there who wont let their men out of the house incase they look at other women - please don't be one of them!
If you want to talk to him about it, then go ahead, but I don't see him saying "Sorry, I wont look at any other women anymore".
Figure out your insecurities yourself, don't blame them on your boyfriend.
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reader, needavice23 +, writes (5 January 2011):
My girlfriend says its natural to look but if u stare we got a problem. lol But my advice is u wouldnt even care if u felt like u looked better than everybody and that he's with u not them for a REASON
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reader, loveitlongtime +, writes (5 January 2011):
 You are his girlfriend, you have the right to be upset and irritated with his rude behavior. He is a man, and men are known for doing things such as this, but only real men try and prove the stereo type wrong, i know that he is only looking, but if he is willing to look, how do you know he wont be willing to touch, i do not know your relationship with your boyfriend but the way you described him staring at any living creature which is a woman, is not respectful to you, or anyone who you might bring around him, i think the way you should approach it is when you see him maybe looking at a girls legs say something like "she has nice legs doesn't she?" Because then it does not give him room or space to deny or act as if he does not know what you are talking about your not accusing your asking, as if another guy would, try it see what he says! Let me know how it goes!
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 January 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionOh, i did the same, i looked at him until he caught my eye and he asked "what?" and i said "nothing". Maybe i should've speak my mind in that moment, but i didn't think it was appropriate to do it in public.
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reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (5 January 2011):
 I'd just tell him what you told us. It doesn't sound clingy to me and quite honestly I think when guys are ogling other women while out with one it is just plain bad manners. He certainly can learn do his gazing when he isn't with you.
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reader, fi_the_tree +, writes (5 January 2011):
 Show him this post, seems to sum it up in a nutshell really...
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reader, petina1 +, writes (5 January 2011):
 I really feel for you. I caught my husband absolutely engrossed in staring at a woman at a garage once, i just stood there and stared at him until he caught my eye, and he didnt know where to put his face. So now i look at men, he doesnt like that, but he still can't stop looking at women as we pass in the car, so im afraid i just put it down to that they can't help it, it's nature. I think it's nothing to worry about, i would just worry if they are doing something about it really. If he looks at a red head i scarcastically say, 'think ill dye my hair red', or if it's a blonde 'think ill dye my hair blonde', lol. Try not to worry too much. Keep up to your own appearance and i'm sure men will be looking at you as well.
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