A
female
age
36-40,
*elzinda
writes:My lovely live in boyfriend has some sort of anxiety and depression. He has spoken to people about it in the past, and been on antidepressants before my time.His recount on things I've said or scenarios that have happened where he ended up getting frustrated and angry can be quite ... Inaccurate.My beloved will fixate on an innocent nothing and turn it into a very large something. I can't calm him to speak rationally. He throws anything within arms reach, and as of tonight that included me into a wall. We have an otherwise good relationship until these unpredictable outbursts. I don't know what to do to manage this situation?? Reply to this Question
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female
reader, Tisha-1  +, writes (28 May 2014):
 Hi Belzinda, please let us know if you are okay. Too many women are hurt or worse by the men who are supposed to love them. You've had lots and lots of answers now.
By the way, what you are describing is abuse and you will not be able to 'manage' this. He will need to get help in order deal with his abusive nature.
With very best wishes, your only option at this point is to get free of him.
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (28 May 2014):
 Next time he might throw you through a plate glass window...
THERE IS NO EXCUSE FOR VIOLENCE. Stop making excuses for him. (I make them for my husband by saying he is an alcoholic (he is) and it's horrible of me and I don't want to see someone else get hurt)
What you do to manage this situation is you end the relationship and you leave.
That being said, as a woman who has NOT left her abuser (my choices are mine for various reasons) I will tell you how I cope. I HAVE HAD HIM ARRESTED for assault after the first time and it has made a difference in how he "gets angry" now. I have a safety plan in place. So when my husband starts drinking I note very carefully if it's going to be an "angry drunk" because I DO NOT cope with them. I LEAVE. I have ONE very good friend who I can go to 24/7 and I have stuff at her place. She refers to her guest room as "your room" and I have keys to her place. I am always safe as I can always go there. I also have at least 3 or 4 other friends who are "on call" as needed. I make no bones about my husband's anger/temper/addiction/illness call it what you will. I have worked with counselors to protect myself and I hold him freaking accountable after the fact. There is nothing I can do when it's happening.
I would NOT subject children to an out of control man EVER. even when good.. the uncertainty of knowing when "daddy will blow up" is very hard on a kid. I know I was raised by a man who did not get his anger under control until after I was grown and had moved out.
The problem is dear I'm twice your age...I have had my life and my children... and I never would have children with a violent man (and I did not.. my children were with my first husband). Why would you stay with an abusive man? I do not think I would have stayed at your age...
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (27 May 2014):
 You can't manage the situation, - you don't manage situations where your phisical safety is at risk, and you may end up with your neck broken,- in these cases, you just leave at once. The situation, not just the premises.
And you should not try to manage the situation even if you could, - this behaviour may come from mental illness, which is sad and it's not his fault, but neither is yours. You are not his shrink, his nurse, his legal guardian, and should not take upon yourself the responsability to manage mental health conditions that he is obviously not seeking treatment for.
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A
female
reader, llifton +, writes (27 May 2014):
 And I, too, also agree that he sounds as if he may have a personality disorder. The types of behaviors he's displaying are relatively normal for someone suffering. What others typically perceive as a relatively minor issue, someone with a personality disorder may take very seriously. They are typically hyper-sensitive and critical of themselves and any perceived criticism feels huge to them.
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A
female
reader, llifton +, writes (27 May 2014):
Yes, completely agree that this is not a tantrum. A tantrum doesn't involve physical violence.
OP, your boyfriend lost control so much, that he physically harmed you. If that doesn't alarm you, it should. He's unpredictable and now, he's proven to be dangerous. No one, and I mean NO ONE, ever has the right to lay there hands on you like that. There's no excuse for it. And you should never tolerate it.
It's absolutely true that the first time should be the last time. There should be no such thing as it just being a mistake and it being taken back. It's like cheating - you may seriously regret it afterwards and seriously wish you could take back what you did - but you can't. What's already been done is done and irreversible. You can't undue sleeping with someone else, and you certainly can't undue physically harming someone.
OP, what your boyfriend did should mean the absolute end of your relationship. There is nothing to fix. There is nothing you should try to do different to make things work. The moment he lost control and laid his hands on you should have become the moment that you ended things. He's got issues. Adults don't behave like that. And he's liable to do it again. What if it's worse next time? What if this was just the tip of the iceburg? He's already proven that he can't control his impulses. Whose to say he'll stop himself from doing worse next time he gets angry?
You need out. He's an abusive man and you don't need any part of that. I wish you the best.
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A
male
reader, Xearo  +, writes (26 May 2014):
He should get professional help and you need to stop nurturing his behavior. What he is doing is wrong and you should not stand for this.
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A
female
reader, Intrigued3000  +, writes (26 May 2014):
 You can't fix him. He sounds like he may have a personality disorder. I know this because I have family members who sound exactly like what you described. From a life-time of dealing with people like that, I can tell you that it does not get better and eventually it starts to affect your self esteem / self worth. No matter how hard you try, you can never please them, and no matter how much you tip toe around them, there will always be an outburst / eruption. If your bf does not realize that he needs professional help, or if the medication is not working, then you need to save yourself. I've experienced various objects being thrown at me, including a knife. When that happened, I realized that family or not, it was time for me to distance myself. It is an abusive situation, and each incident, which BTW gets worse over time, shatters your spirit and take away your joy. Sometimes the effects of this kind of abuse leaves you wounded beyond repair. Before you reach that stage, you need to leave.
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A
male
reader, Mark1978  +, writes (26 May 2014):
 I want to add that I have an issue with the title of this post. ie "Twenty eight and throwing tantrums", im not sure if the OP wrote that or not but this is not a tantrum.
Tantrums are childish outburst of negative or stroppy behaviour which are frustrating and immature, this guy is violently abusing you OP which is on a completely different level to a tantrum.
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A
female
reader, WhenCowsAttack +, writes (26 May 2014):
Lovely? LOVELY? I fail to see what could possibly be lovely about a man who freaks out over nothing and slams you into a wall. Get away from him, now, before he seriously injures or kills you. He will NOT stop, this will only get worse. I have been there, and these men do not change. He is using his depression as an excuse to harm,control, and abuse you, period.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (26 May 2014):
 I agree wholeheartedly with Cerberus.
It has started to turn violent - NOW is the time to END, not try and fix this. YOU are not the one MAKING him do this to you. HE is doing this, either because he can.
Now it CAN be that him being off meds or what not is causing him to act out on a irrational manner, BUT that is not something you can fix. DO you think if you told him you think he needs to see his doctor and get back on meds, that he would say sure dear, that sounds like a good idea.
IT is NOT your job to MANAGE his outbursts. IT is HIS.
And what he is doing (throwing things INCLUDING you) will ONLY escalate.
And YOU are going to be the one CONTINUING making EXCUSES for him, and then later, for your injuries. He didn't mean it.... He isn't himself.... He wouldn't NEVER hurt me....
The only way this can STOP, is when YOU walk away (or kick him out).
YOU have to realize what is going on is serious.
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A
female
reader, maisy1 +, writes (26 May 2014):
OP time for a reality check!!! You say he is your "loving" boyfriend but he isn't! He is an abusive, aggressive horrid person who is physically hurting you now and has been emotionally hurting you for a lot longer.Men who abuse women rarely go straight in with the physical stuff. First they break us down with the emotional abuse, the attitude, the threats. Then they start breaking things, chucking stuff around...then they start throwing us around too. I was in the same situation OP. It started with my BF getting crazy over the tiniest thing, then he would scare me into agreeing with him, then he started breaking things. Then he threw things at me. Then he shoved me up a wall. Then he beat me. Then he put me in hospital.What did I do throughout all of that? I made excuses. It was his medication, his bad situation, not his fault life was bad....even when I was in hospital I convinced myself and the doctors that it was my fault, a silly accident. It wasn't. My "lovely" boyfriend beat the shot out of me and I went back for more because I loved him.Looking back I realise how stupid that was. There is no excuse for what your BF did to you or what mine did to me. Yet I found every pathetic excuse I could to exonorate him;Hes going through a bad time, I deserved it because im not good enough for him, it was my fault for winding him up, I shouldn't have challenged him, I shouldn't have argued or disobeyed, he is lovely the rest of the time....Please don't make the same mistake. But I suspect you will. Your already claiming this animal is a "lovely boyfriend" and he is your "beloved". What is loving about slinging someone up a wall?!?! What is lovely about going mad at a partner over something so silly? Your relationship may well be great the rest of the time but you need a reality check. MY relationship was good when my boyfriend wasn't beating the shit out of me. Whenever the punches and kicks were over, and he through me down the stairs once, he would go back to being a loving, nice guy and I would foolishly forgive him. In fact I went out of my way to excuse him. Wouldn't have a bad word said against him. I didnt want to admit to myself that I was the victim of abuse and preferred to block it out and not have anyone say a bad word about my "wonderful" boyfriend who I soon convinced myself was Mr Perfect. Others agreed, they saw his public image of the nice, loving boyfriend and I happily lapped that up.Men like his drag us down. We start questioning ourselves and loose a sense of perspective. Suddenly rational thought goes out the window and we forgive the odd punch here, a kick there, until it becomes normal, until we actually think we deserve, or are to blame for, being physically abused. This man clearly is very, very disturbed. His behaviour is aggressive, abusive and you cannot rationalize with him. The fact he creates inaccurate reports of incidents is what my BF used to do. Why? Because it leaves us confused, unable to respond and him in the position of dominant power. His behaviour has got progressively worse and he has basically tested the water. He has pushed a bit further bit by bit until he knows now he can use physical violence towards you. At the start of my violent relationship I could not, and did not, want to see it as abuse or violence. Others told me to get the hell out but I couldn't see it. My loving, beloved boyfriend loved me and I loved him. Why would I leave him? He wasn't an abuser, just a bit troubled. A bad patch, his medication, a mistake....two years and several trips to hospital later and I knew full well it was abuse but I had not got the self worth to leave. I felt it was better to stay with him than end up with nobody. After all, why would someone want me when I was so worthless and deserved a man who loved me to beat me senseless. It was my fault too - shouldn't have upset him, shouldn't have answered back or tried to disobey him right? You cannot manage this situation. You cannot even have a rational talk with him. LEAVE HIM NOW!
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (26 May 2014):
 "I don't know what to do to manage this situation??"
YOU really can't "...manage this situation..." It is out of your hands. All you can do is decide if you want to endure this form of abuse... AND take the risk that his PHYSICAL abuse of you doesn't escalate.
Most people don't want that risk.... and I, like others you will read on this site, suggest that you get away from this risk, as well.....
Good luck...
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A
male
reader, Mark1978 +, writes (26 May 2014):
Sadly this situation has gone from being verbally and emotionally abusive (which is bad enough) to physical abuse. There is no point staying with this man as he has crossed the line. He has flung you up a wall and that is completely unacceptable. You describe him as being your lovely boyfriend but he is not lovely, he is an abusive, aggressive man who will get worse not better.
You say you have an otherwise good relationship but that's irrelevant, no matter how gentle, kind and loving he may be at other times, if he cannot control his temper then its time for you to leave. We get a lot of posts on here from people in similar situations, and I can tell you that many of them are blinded by love and make excuses until they end up seeing his behaviour as normal. The fact you describe him as being lovely is very telling.
Nobody deserves the treatment he is dishing out to you. There are no excuses.
Clearly he has mental health problems. My brother is very, very similar. He has not yet (as far as I know) got to the stage of actual violence but he is has the same tendencies. My brother moved back in with me and my parents and for reasons unknown would get incredibly angry, aggressive and moody over the least little thing. He would go beserk when we asked a simple thing of him such as taking his shoes off before walking mud into the house or not using so much water that the bath is three foot deep. He would then tell anyone who will listen that he is "Not allowed to bathe and will have to die of dehydration in case a sip of water costs too much" or "not allowed to enter the house in case a speck of dust gets on the carpets"
He eat my parents out of house and home, yet when my parents, whom are pensioners with limited funds, politely asked him to go easy on the food he would go mad saying "Right hint taken, you obviously ****ing hate me!" and then sulk like a child for days or storm out in a rage.
My parents love my brother but in the end they asked him to leave. He stormed out and that was the last we heard but it was killing my parents to try and cope with his moods. My brother by the way is 33. There was no way of talking to him rationally. He would either go crazy or laugh at common sense and say "your having a laugh!"
Your boyfriend needs professional help. But only he can accept that help. Until then he will continue to hurt you and that abuse will only get worse.
Like Cerberus I cannot comprehend why women like you stay with someone like him, or even need to ask our advice. If a man is violent get the hell out!
Or you could make excuses, blame his bad luck/upbringing/bad crowd/medication/doctors and continue to see this man as a lovely, loving boyfriend until he destroys your self worth, puts you in hospital or into a morgue. If you want to be beaten black and blue and flung up against a wall then stay, if you want to be treated with love, respect and care then find a non violent, aggressive boyfriend.
Perhaps you think if you tread on eggshells, dont say anything to annoy him, never contradict him and live the rest of your life in fear of saying something wrong it will all work out? Hardly. You are the victim of abuse. Stop seeing this man as a lovely boyfriend and see him for what he really is!
Mark
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 May 2014): Physical violence, which throwing you into a wall is, means the end of the relationship.
Why are you talking about managing the situation after that?
OP you're in a situation of domestic abuse, one that was mainly emotional abuse up until now.
It's time to walk, there is no managing this situation, there are no good reasons for you to stay with him.
You are going to stay though and you're going to use his mental health issues to excuse his behaviour.
I'll never understand why women like you stay with an abuser like him. You have two choices, walk and stop letting yourself be abused or stay in the naive hope you can fix him or he'll change.
OP a person who gets so angry they throw things, angry about tiny things too is a danger and he crossed the point of the no return when he decided to put his hands on you.
I'll say it again, there is no managing this situation it's full blown domestic abuse. Everything he does to you from this day forward is your own fault for not running. Don't be another victim. This has graduated into physical violence now, he's crossed a line and it won't be the last time either.
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