A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I was in a relationship for 9 yrs with my ex boyfriend who I dumped a year ago since the relationship was going no where and there was lot of trouble as it was a long distance relationship. After breaking up I immediately got into another relationship ( My Current bf ) who is a nice guy and is serious about me, but he just dsn't love me the way me ex used to. He isn't a crazy passionate lover and keeps busy. This makes me constantly remember my ex who still is waiting for me to come back. He just wont let me go. I am very confused whether I should go ahead with my current relationship or go back to my ex. Although it will really hurt my current bf and I dont want to act selfish and rude. Please help !
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (28 May 2014):
 your ex is your ex for a reason.
you say your current bf doesn't love you the way your ex does/did. but if your ex loved you that way he would not be an ex.
if it's that your current bf is not a good lover, then teach him what you like/need/want. if it's that he does not say/show you he loves you.. then you may need to figure out what's missing.
My husband NEVER says "i love you" but he loves me madly. I like to say it but that means NOTHING to him. He knows I love him by my "acts of service" cleaning our home, making our meals, doing our laundry.
There is a book called "The five languages of love" it really helped me understand that my man SAYING he loves me means NOTHING but his SHOWING me he loves me in his actions means everything... I had to learn to interpret his way of showing love.
A
female
reader, llifton +, writes (27 May 2014):
 It doesn't have to be either this guy or your ex. You and your ex already broke up for specific reasons. You said you were fighting a lot and the relationship was going nowhere. Just because this guy isn't as passionate as your ex doesn't mean your ex is still the one for you. It just means that both men aren't right, and it's time to move on from both. Find a different guy who you can have that passion AND have a future that's going somewhere.
Good luck.
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A
female
reader, cca9130  +, writes (26 May 2014):
This is very complicated because a 9 year relationship is not very easy to let go of....i was in a very long relationship too and after we broke up, i have had difficulty finding someone that compliments me the same way as he did. I would say that if you are looking for a new bf that has the same characteristics as your ex but wants to commit, it will be very hard. You either accomodate to your new bf and learn something new about relationships or wonder if you can come to a middle term with your ex to see if he can commit. If you dont want to get married now, i would stay with the ex because i love day by day. If he wont, then bye bye birdie....better to be alone thab being with someone who cant be next to you while you're following your dreams.
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A
female
reader, WhenCowsAttack +, writes (26 May 2014):
Ahh, a "serial monogamist". I understand, I'm sort of one, too. We tend to stay in a relationship until the next one is ready. Hard cycle to break.
You shouldn't go back to your ex. It won't be any better. And you shouldn't stay with your new guy, because the relationship isn't what you want.
Think about this: you posed an either-or question, as though they are the only two men in the world. Ask yourself why. It's because you aren't comfortable NOT being in a relationship, even if it's a bad one. My vote is for option 3- you stay with neither of them, and concentrate on YOU until the right guy comes along.
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A
male
reader, Mark1978  +, writes (26 May 2014):
 You split with your ex for a reason. You don't give too many details about that but looking at your age and length of the relationship, im guessing the two of you matured into two different people who were no longer as compatible as you once were? Plus you probably realised the LDR situation was unlikely to change. You met as teens, maybe quite young teens, and by the time you had reached your early to mid twenties you had realized he was no longer the man for you and were no longer willing to continue with the fantasy of the LDR and needed the reality of a more serious, close relationship. Many couples your age who have been together since childhood/adolescence find they suddenly drift apart as they become adults and mature into someone different, with different needs, ambitions and so on. The passion was there but the relationship had gone stale maybe or you realised the LDR situation just wouldn't realistically work. Perhaps you didn't really want it to anymore. Either way it came to a natural conclusion.
Ideally, and this is easy to say of course, you should have spent some time being single, enjoying your freedom and learning to start living your adult life without the man you had spent all or most of your adult life in a relationship with up till that point.
However you immediately got into a relationship with another man. Maybe you were on the rebound, maybe you were hurt and lonely and needed someone to feel close and be there for you, either way I suspect that maybe you rushed into a relationship for the wrong reasons and now its starting to show. Trying to make this current relationship work when you had just split from your ex, who may still be chasing you, and grieving and hurting over that is a tough thing to do.
I don't want to advise you to split with your BF but I do think maybe some time being single to get your head back in order would be a good thing to do. You are young, you spent a long time with one man from being a child/teen to being a grown woman in your twenties. Sometimes we need to experience different people and different relationships before we can compare and evaluate. You went from a relationship that was the only one you knew to this one and suddenly, because this one is not so passionate, you think the first one was not such a bad bet. But I think you should spend some time alone, find yourself, gain a greater clarity on the situation.
If you go back to your ex then realistically you are in for more of the same. After 9 years you were still in an LDR? If you had not made it work and moved closer together after all that time then realistically you never will. Maybe you were not in an LDR for the full nine years and perhaps moved away to be at Uni or something, but either way you say it was going nowhere and the distance gap was unlikely to be closed. Going back to him will not magic those issues away.
You are lonely, your current BF is not the one for you at present and maybe he was someone to get together with for the wrong reasons. You don't have to choose between him or your ex, you are young and there is plenty of other people more suited to you out there. Maybe your ex was once perfect for you, but time, personal development and distance has changed that.
Mark
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