A
male
age
41-50,
*lexks
writes:Hi everybody,Since ever the one in the group that is single and always dating new girls and all the past relations were like heaven. Everybody likes me, even my ex-girlfriends and I love everybody, I was happy.There was a girl whom I always liked and she always knew; she broke up with her ex in the end of last summer and we started dating... she is the best friend (friends since kids) of the fiancée of my best friend (friends since 6) and her mom is a close friend to my mom. I have to meet her 2-3 times a week even if I don’t want.In December we were the best couple of the city…hey guys new sensations in my life, life plans, she was the one I always knew, and I loved everything she does, thinks or says and god she is beautiful. And she on the other part was like crazy phone calls in the middle of the night telling how much she loved me and telling me that for the first time in her life she was free. And then…suddenly, during end of March, she says that she is confused and it’s better for us to stop this relation. Yes she didn’t love me anymore…ok these are common life problems, and being sad in these circumstances is normal I think. I tried to move on; I work hard, do a lot of sport and a lot of nightlife. Since then I have been with 3 different new girls. Yes you might think lucky you, but I don’t feel lucky, I feel empty. 2 months after I’m in love with HER since the very first time.And the problem is that we are becoming friends, I have met her several time during this period. I can’t avoid HER; she is invited in most of the events I’m invited too. Yesterday she called and we had dinner together, definitively I love her, she makes me feel different and happy and I want to give all to her. And she tells me that she has found somebody and she is very happy with him. And she saw my sad face and said to me “honey it’s not me the most important person of your life, but it’s you”Yes she’s right, but I can’t help thinking of her, I knew since ever that she was the one. I had a chance and it didn’t function…Being friends it hurts, but if I don’t, I going to ruin the life of my friends and my mom too. I’m grown up; I’m 30 years old it has to be some way to like her and not to love her. How to stop thinking that she’s the one?Thank you
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best friend, broke up, ex girlfriend, her ex, move on, my ex, period Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, Alexks +, writes (6 June 2014):
Alexks is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI am not over her, and i dont feel good about this thing. Yes she noticed that im not over her. She asked me: if she comes back what will you (me) do?...and i answered that its over etc etc, i explained all the reasons why me and she (my ex) cant be anymore togather.
And there is another problem, i like drinking. But i am afraid of drinking these days. After only 3 vodkas strange and non real thoughts start passing through my mind, revenge, love, sadnes, hope, joy...
So no vodkas for some time.
A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (6 June 2014):
 Don't presume that your NEW GF understand. Talk to her. And maybe pick out places you didn't go with the ex.
What was the argument about? You having a weird face? Or acting strange?
My guess is she figured your reaction to seeing the ex means you aren't over the ex, but who knows....? THAT is why you should TALK to her.
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A
male
reader, Alexks +, writes (6 June 2014):
Alexks is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThe actual one! The new :), she understood sth from my face i think
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (6 June 2014):
Whom did you argue with? You new GF or your ex?
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A
male
reader, Alexks +, writes (6 June 2014):
Alexks is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI think i meessed things up. Since my post i have met a girl an have started a new relation, lets say that things are nice :).
Yesterday, i was with my actual gf in a bar and mu ex she apers there to with some her friends.... I m a lil girl :)))), I couldent manage my face, and my actual girl noticed my disconfort. A lil arguing followed, but it was a very unpleasent thing
Really i dont understand how i got in this situation and how can it be possible to get in such situation being 30.
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A
male
reader, Alexks +, writes (27 May 2014):
Alexks is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks a lot to everyone of you, you said to me very useful things. Yeah, thats life, maybe someone else, right now has trouble to find food for their kids. If i consider the situation this way i am a lucky guy :))))). Love is amazing if we consider the way how it changed me and how im still changing because of love :))
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 May 2014): My friend, what you can't change you have to learn to live with. We can't always get what we want. We often must be happy if we get what we need.
She was a friend for most of your life, and you may be worshiping her a lot for her beauty. Rejection often makes us want what we're denied all the more. Don't go out with other women; because you're in that phase of comparing them to her. That's not fair to these ladies. That means you're not ready for dating.
When the right woman comes along, she'll knock your socks off; and the memory of the one who rejected you starts to fade. If she's right for you, it will be hard to resist her. That's how nature works in our favor.
Your infatuation will wear-off once your subconscious realizes and accepts how futile it is to desire a woman who now belongs to someone else. If she doesn't reciprocate the feelings that you have for her, what's the use? Your ego was hurt by her rejection, and it makes you feel less of the person you are. So, you'll be reminded of her rejection every-time you see her. That will also help you get over her.
Good news! You'll recover! If people can marry, have kids, divorce, and still move on. Even remarry. You'll live through your crush on her. To be sure.
Always remind yourself in her presence that she's just a friend. She belongs to another man. Then your subconscious will yield to that reality. Your ego will readjust to it's normal size; and you'll accept the fact that this woman was not meant for you.
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A
female
reader, jls022 +, writes (26 May 2014):
I totally agree with the advice that Cerberus and Honeypie have given you so I won't repeat that, but what I will say is that it sounds like your ex was on the rebound when you started dating each other. I'm sure she didn't mean to hurt you or mess you about, but she has, so please think of that before you get with any more girls when trying to make yourself feel better. You know how that feels and you don't want to cause that pain to another girl who might think you really like her, do you?
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (26 May 2014):
You can be friendly but being her friend IS NOT doing you any good.
I'd stop hanging out with HER alone. IF she is there at an event, be polite but try and socialize with everyone else.
I would be HONEST with her, tell her it HURTS to hang out and that you know she is part of the friends circle and you will deal with that, but there will be NO MORE alone time.
How do you stop thinking she is the one? I can't tell you that. I don't thinking being with other girls til you feel you can ACCEPT that she wasn't who you wanted her to be.
I could be that you inadvertently put WAY to much pressure on her to be this PERFECT girl, The One. YOU built her up to
to a point where it wasn't fair on her. When you put people up on a pedestal, there is a GREAT chance they will fall.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 May 2014): You need to avoid her more. You have no excuse for going to dinner with her, OP. That wasn't a group event, why did you do that and punish yourself in that way?
You can't completely avoid her but you do need to make an emotional distance. You do that by telling her how you feel and informing her that you need to try and distance yourself from her to get over her. She'll understand.
You don't have to ignore her or stop going to group events but you do have to stop being "friends" with her. No long talks about life, just pleasantries.
It's tough but not impossible and it will take time and patience on your behalf. You have to stop feeding your emotions and keep your distance.
Telling her how you feel will go a long way to ending this for you though, you need that closure. You need her to tell you flat out nothing will ever happen between you again, that'll shut the door and you can start to come to terms with that and heal.
Above all though it's only been two months, it'll take longer but you will get over her. Stay away from women and dating for a while too while you do, OP. It wouldn't be fair for you to toy with emotions of another woman while you're hung up on another. It's not fair to use people that way.
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A
female
reader, WhenCowsAttack +, writes (26 May 2014):
Aww, you seem like a very nice guy, and kudos to you for sucking up your feelings and being around her even though it hurts. I'm so sorry to say, the only thing that will help is more time. Of course, you must refrain from speaking to her of your feelings again, as she's been very clear that she is happy. I think it would be good if you could limit some, not all,of your exposure to her for a while to help you move on.I promise you WILL find another love, but for now, a lot of positive self- talk may help. Tell yourself many times a day you only see her as a friend. Say it to yourself in a mirror. It sounds odd, but in time it works. Fake it till you make it, and keep focusing on being as mature and kind as you can. You sound like a great guy and a wonderful friend.
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