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female
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anonymous
writes: I have just gone back to my husband following a break of 2 years. I left him for various reasons but i have never really got over him. We have a child and both want whats best for her obviously.I have had one serious relationship during the break and my husband has had lots of sexual encounters. We are both able to overcome this.I broke his heart when i left him even though i had very good reasons for leaving him and following long discussions we have both agreed to try harder for the benefit of all of us.My problem came about today when I asked him if he had ever cheated on me while we were married. I had always suspected and he knew i had and he had always denied this.Today hes said "ok if im honest, I did get a blow job in the toilets at work once" and when asked who with it turns out that it was a woman that i used to work closely with. He couldnt remember when in our marriage that this had happened (conveniently I thought).I totally broke down. He thinks I am blowing things out of proportion and even said I deserved the hurt after all I had put him through.But this "blow job" happened when he was supposedly happy with me. So I asked him why he did it.He said because it was on offer? Is this a man thing? Can they just not say no?You see I could cope with it better if he had said he wasnt getting enough sex from me or he fancied her more than me or anything other than he just couldnt turn an offer like that down.I probably am being unreasonable but why does it hurt so much after all this time?I do want to be with this man - I want us to be a family again but I am scared that I will never be able to trust him again and that it will ultimately tear us apart.Please help - I apologise if i am rambling.Any advice welcome.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 January 2007): Hey I don't support it is a man thing. A man, in my sense of the word, is My Dad. Puts his marriage first, is faithful to my Mother, adores and respects my Mother, makes sure she is happy by meeting her emotional, spiritual, physical, mental needs, they are best friends and that comes with years of effective communication, respect, love and listening. It hasn't always been picture perfect and I have seen them have disagreements and have also seen them make up.
I love how my parents can still kiss in front of us and how my Dad grabs my Mother's hips and says how sexy she is. It's especially funny when my sisters call him a horndog.
We have fun.
Her Husband, sadly, has to make a promise and keep it-and he has years of hard work and commitment to prove to his wife he has changed and he will put the marriage FIRST.
He put his own selfish, lustful needs first in the toilet with some ditch pig...not a woman in my sense of the word...
I say Ground Rules need to be set and they can be reached with a Mediator/Counsellor present. Find one that specializes in infidelity.
Also get a book by Stephen R. Covey titled "The Seven Habits of Highly Effective Families" as a guide on how to improve forgiveness, listening, respect...it has great examples and stories of how people used his advice and what outcomes came of them.
It is about improving the self and changing YOU for the betterment of WE and US.
WE is the marriage aspect which still sounds like the both of you are still in ME mode.
US is the Family factor which will have your child(ren) and the two of you working together to keep family happines in the home and central-working together.
When it comes down to it...if you both can forgive and both desire to become those loving and faithful partners and best friends...it has to all be laid on the table...come clean now...and then make a plan where you see yourself 3 months from now and what you both have to do to get there, 6 months from now, 12 months...
Counselling. Book. Commitment. Forgiveness.
Best Wishes.
A
female
reader, willywombat  +, writes (3 January 2007):
 I can't get it? Why would anybody do this? I mean, in a toilet? Urgh! In work, you telling me that NOBODY else noticed? No stains anywhere? Triple urgh. Have no problem with BJ's as a rule, but if you saw the toilets where I work and the people I work with you would understand!!
lol
x
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 January 2007): Sorry willy, no offense intended. I class a women who would give a BJ to a married man in a toilet a slag, similarly drunk girls who pull you in to street corners, rip off your clothes and are happy to have sex with you despite not even knowing your name, nor caring about any kind of contraception.
I'd equally say that men who accept sex acts by such people in toilets are also slags, similarly men who seek out more seedy, emotionalness alcoholic-fuelled sex are also slags.
What I meant was that if this guy had a desire to receive oral sex in a toilet then he should have had the courage to ask his wife. He was probably at an arguing stage of the marriage and took the easy option instead - get someone less emotionally connected to do it for him. I don't advocate that in any way. Slags, both of them. haha.
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A
female
reader, willywombat +, writes (3 January 2007):
To the question asker, ahve you ever thought that maybe you and your hubby should not be together. All you seem to be doing now is dishonouring your vows and scoring points off each other....
I do not think this is a man thing, any more than giving BJ's in a work toilet is a woman thing. There is far more to tis than he is telling you. What intitiated this? How much flirting must have gone on first? Don't tell me she just dropped to her knees uninvited and undid his zipper....
In your situation I would get the hell outta Dodge... I would want to know where his bits had been. And if I could trust him in the future.
x
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A
female
reader, willywombat +, writes (3 January 2007):
Pete normally I would agree with you, but the fact you have just 'classified' women as 'slags' is just a bit offensive. this whilst defending men who WOULD accept a BJ in the toilets of a woman they work with! Please this is a little closed minded for you, you don't noramlly stoop to this??
I have only just replied to a person who asked about men being 'studs' and women being 'slags' if the operated on the same behaviour level. This is there choice and they don't need to be defined in such a way...
Rant over
*not meant to be offensive, just a bit touchy this evening*
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 January 2007): Agreed. It's not a guy thing at all. There are also plenty of women who agree to "dirty" unemotional sex - so don't forget that. I've been propositioned for sex by both prostitutes and slags and never said yes or even entertained the idea. That is just because it is my character - the character of your husband is obviously different.
I wonder how much you explored each others sexual fantasties, obviously he was turned on by the idea of some women sucking him off in a toilet.
Would I ever be able to raise a family with a women who had some kind of seedy, dirty act in some toilets? NO WAY.
If you can't let it go - don't blame him. It sounds like your relationship just wasn't meant to be. But if you really think, and want things to work out, counselling is the way forward. Definately agree with Mrs Malott :)
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A
male
reader, ogga +, writes (3 January 2007):
Malyce as good advice as that is for somebody in that position. She didnt cheat on him :S:S He cheated on her. I understand what cheating feels like even if i am to young and its a hard thing to get over explain this to your husband
but from a guys point of view. No its not a guy thing. New years eve i was unhappy with my girlfriend, we had almost split up and probably will break up in the next couple of weeks. My gorgeous ex girlfriend who has always been sort of the person i have a thing for, offered to suck me off, toss me off have sex with me and do everything i could dream of.
And do you know what?
I turned her down with out a second thought.
And i was drunk out of my mind.
I turned her down because i love my girlfriend. And im at the age where sex is everything lol seeing as im only a teen and probably where relationships are least serious. Its not hard to turn somebody down....If your'e in love with the person your with. you have to be brtually honest with yourselves and with each other.
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male
reader, maxsteel86 +, writes (3 January 2007):
 Wait, I'm sleepy right now so maybe I didn't read it properly but where did she say she cheated? I thought the other partners were during the break?
Anyway, its definitely not a guy thing. I'm sure most guys would turn down an offer for a bj (and more... or less) if they were in a committed relationship.
Before you can move on with this, can you be sure he'll turn down any other offers or will he just accept cos its available and you probably wont find out? You should be careful to address this part first since you're talking about getting back together. And it wont be a happy relationship if one of you still doubts the other
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 January 2007): Oh...and also...that he can defend and justify that he is male and cannot pass up an offer of sex....clearly not trustworthy and if this is who he is...a part of his character....then you are hurt because he is not the man you thought he was and he isn't making you any promises or commitments that he will remain faithful to you and break any marriage vows.I can only assume you have to him and comforted him and reassured him and your Hubby cannot even have the compassionate and understanding nature or the sensitivity that you need this as well.Okay...what are you going to do tomorrow?Call to book an appointment with a marriage counsellor.
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 January 2007): Yes, so you cheated on one another. Is that the reason why; he kicked you out because of infidelity?
How is yours supposed to be overlooked but his is all of a sudden some major issue?
This is very unfair; hypocritical is the term.
Is it really about who cheated first? You both did. You both failed one another.
However, you both want to recommit to one another and the marriage and work on building it on stonger and firmer foundation. Congratulations.
Marriage counselling ASAP and just bloody forgive one another already. You keep getting mired in the past.
It...that moment that occured two years ago...what about your "obvious" reasons?
You want to be with him then DO IT.
Your holding onto the past and using it for leverage so he is the whole one to blame and fault is unreasonable and unacceptable.
FORGIVE.
Counselling.
PRONTO.
Best Wishes.
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A
male
reader, eddie  +, writes (2 January 2007):
 It's not a man thing. I was offered that and more on New Year's Eve. I didn't accept. The woman asked me how my marriage was too. I told her it was great. Not all men cheat. Yours did.
It seems you had problems in your marriage. If you're rebuilding, put it in the past and move on.
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