A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hi,I don't know what to do or how to feel.I have lived at home with my parents until not long ago. I was always a good kid and studied hard and didn't go out partying. I've bought a house and moved in with my partner of 10 years. I have been waiting forever for my partner to ask to marry me and he says he wants to but just hasn't asked formally. I'm coming up for 30 now and I'm getting itchy feet. I want to go out and have fun and adventures. My partner reeeeeally doesn't. I feel bored. I've moved far away from any friends so I don't have another outlet. My partner isn't romantic in the slightest and I really want some romance in my life. I feel jealous watching rom coms or people on Facebook with their partners being romantic and I get annoyed I can't have it.I think back now being a kid and what I wanted as a partner and I really imagined someone who'd do something every now and then. With the whole marriage thing as well I feel like I'm lacking a bit.I need to start thinking about kids and I don't feel confident in the relationship I've built now. He's a lovely person and I do love him, I just want a bit more passion. I've spoken to him countless times about all of it but he just sorta changes the subject.Part of me is just feeling at the moment I should take a break for a little bit and maybe do some one time dates (talking only) with other people. Maybe it would give us space to see what we want. Try to get some independence that I never got in my teens/20s.On the other hand I feel pressured that biologically I don't have time to find new men if things didn't work out. We love each other, we have all the right goals together and match temperament etc. I can't tell if I'm just itchy cause I'm turning 30 and should just wait it out until the hormones or whatever settle.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 August 2018): I think you have depression and you are blaming him for it.But you have done everything you both wanted to.I think you may be financially restricted and this probably determines your life.You can't recreate being a teenager.Its not a forwards step.You boyfriend will just think you are trashing everything you both worked towards.It may bring you far more sorrow than joy and this deviation away from your mutual plan could become a sad mistake.Your man may make an excellent dad but not if you jump into opposite roles of 'him boring/ me fun'!If he moved you out of the house and bought in another woman and had a couple of children they bought up happily would you envy them?Are you sure you're not just feeling hard done by and having a moan?
A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious +, writes (25 August 2018):
 This relationship sounds like it has run its course. Marriage is not going to miraculously "fix" it.
I am always dubious when a couple have been together for many years (as in your case) and then decide to get married. With very few exceptions, this is usually because the relationship has reached a crossroads and it is a case of "either we get married or split up". Because both parties have invested so much time in the relationship, they are loath to part and start again. Usually the marriage is very short lived when both parties realize nothing has changed just because they have obtained a piece of paper to show they are committed to each other.
You and your partner sound like very different people. My outlook on people I have in my life is that, if that person does not enhance my life in some way or help me grow as a person in some way, then is there really much point in them being my friend/partner? You never got a chance to have fun. Understandably, you want to have fun before you settle down and start a family. Your partner is simply not interested. Is that because your idea of fun and his are different, or because he is simply a stick-in-the-mud who just wants to stay at home and do his own thing?
Is this how you want to spend the NEXT 10 years of your life? With someone who is more like a brother than a partner? With someone who is not interested in sharing time doing enjoyable things with you? Is this what you want from the father of your children?
Only you can answer those questions. In your shoes, I would be seriously considering ending the relationship, taking a year or two out to do what you missed out on years ago (perhaps with a friend who feels the same or, if needs be, on your own). Perhaps rent out your house in the meantime so you can still afford to pay your mortgage.
When you have got this out of your system, you will probably have a much wider friend base and a better idea of what you need in a partner.
Good luck.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 August 2018): Hi,
I am the OP. Thank you for all of your messages.
I have tried going on holiday with him, but he just wants a different sort of thing (Bed at 10pm / watch some Netflix). I've tried trying to get him to go out with me at a pub and go dancing at least once during the holidays and he's not wanted to.
I spoke to him a few months ago to tell him how i felt and he just says like 'what do you want me to do? if you want to go places then you need to tell me where you want to go and what you want to do'. but part of me just feels like after 10 years you should know that I'd like going out and want to surprise me with a getaway somewhere (anywhere) or suggest going somewhere at the weekend on the odd occasion and then i could course correct and build on the plan if necessary. But it's just he doesn't TRY anything and its all on me to suggest stuff and he just knocks it down and says he can't be bothered sort of thing.
I sort of feel to the point that i don't want to go anywhere with him anyway because he won't enjoy it. Like i can't take him to concerts or out drinking with my/our friends because he doesn't like it. I'd like to be able to do things with him where we are both excited about going somewhere or doing something, i don't want to have to DRAG him places. It just brings the mood down for me.
He used to be romantic when we started dating and wrote me love letters etc, but it's just all out the window now. I felt like maybe it just happens to people when you hit that time of being together with someone for so long.
I don't know if my expectations are too high or not. If the boredom is just like what everyone gets after so many years. I don't want to throw away a good thing because i'm in some stupid semi-mid-life crisis and wanting some excitement. He is a really lovely guy.
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (24 August 2018):
 I think you hit the nail on the head straight away. You never went out, you lived at home and you didn't really experience going out partying and well just having fun as a teenager or young adult.
You also got in to a relationship quite young as well. You shouldn't be waiting for ten years for a marriage proposal. That is madness. He should know already what he wants. You have both bought a house together which is already a huge commitment. If it was me personally I would have told him I wanted marriage first before sharing such a huge committment.
I can totally understand why you are getting itchy feet. You sound like you want a marriage and children, which after ten years is not much to ask for.
Your partner is settled and he is happy to spend evenings at home and just be comfortable. You want fun and adventure. Can you not find new friends where you are now? Someone who you can go out with or do activites with? Remember it is healthy in a relationship to lead seperate lives as well.
He isn't romantic, has he always been this way? Some people are and some people aren't. If he was at the start then he has just gotten lazy but maybe that is just who he is as a person. I know personally romance is a big thing for me. Off course you want to feel loved and cherished.
Do you both do anything fun? It sounds like you are stuck in a rut and not doing anything together as a couple. He is lazy and he needs to make more off an effort. Do you both ever go on holidays?
I get why you feel like you are lacking, I think the relationship is simply at a stage where you are bored. You want more fun, you want more committment while he is simply not making the effort.
Have you spoke to him about children? Does he want the same? I get you love him, off course you do, and I would imagine that he loves you as well but he has just gotten comfortable and the relationship has became routine without any effort. You need to be more strict and say look don't keep changing the subject because I am not happy and at this stage I am ready to walk away if you don't make more off an effort.
Also do you make an effort to surprise him and be romantic?
If you feel like taking a break then be honest with him and tell him why. Explain you are not happy and give it maybe six weeks. Tell him no contact until you both figure out if the relationship can be restored or not.
Biologically speaking I understand what you mean, but the worst thing you can do is have a baby with someone who you are not sure if you have a future with or not. That will only add more stress to the relationship and if it is not already strong it will break it down in no time. So please don't just stay with him for this reason alone.
The only way around this is to talk to him and tell him you are unhappy. Tell him you need a break to see if this relationship is going to work long term because at the minute you are bored and you need romance.
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A
male
reader, N91 +, writes (24 August 2018):
 The relationship is done.
Move out as soon as possible and search for what you’re looking for. The guy is boring, why would you stay? Why would you WANT to stay? You’ve told us you don’t do anything, there’s no passion or romance so what other option is there than to leave?
You’ve told him how you feel and he ignores the subject and you stay with him anyways so that’s set the precedent that he doesn’t need to do anything different to what he’s doing now and you’ll accept it. If he’s not proposed in 10 years then it’s not coming. Even if it did, you don’t sound into this guy at all.
You have plenty of time, 30 isn’t old and to stay with someone because you’re worried about not finding someone else is just silly. You’re missing out on spending time who could be everything you want and more, don’t settle for something you’re used to if you don’t really want to. Get out and find someone that excites you.
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A
female
reader, Anonymous 123  +, writes (24 August 2018):
 You know what they say... Why buy the cow when you're getting the milk free?
You've bought a house with him and living together so basically you're his wife without it being legal. You're cooking, cleaning, sharing a bed, finances, responsibilities... Basically everything that married people would do. Why then would he want to marry you when he's already getting everything without the hassle?
He sounds like he doesn't like or want much responsibility and if he's non committal about marriage, then I don't think he'd ever be fine with kids. Do you know the kind of work and responsibilities involved? It's like NOTHING that you would have known.
Right now you're like an old married couple who've settled into a friendship... The only difference is that old married couples have been married for donkeys years and have most likely brought up kids and been through everything together and have then "retired" (for the lack of a better word), having settled into a relatively calm, uneventful, life once they're old. You and your boyfriend have not even started your journey formally and yet you're right there.
Time for resizing your priorities.
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A
male
reader, Cerberus_Raphael  +, writes (24 August 2018):
 Hi,
It sounds like it's a lot more than just that you'll be turning 30 soon. But let's get that out of the way first. It's incredibly tempting to allow yourself to think about your life in stages relative to age ranges, then if it doesn't go according to plan, you'll start worrying about how far behind you are and more often than not, those worries are unfounded. Age is a terrible metric to use when looking at where you are in life.
The issue here is that your current relationship is just not fulfilling. Is there anything you like about your partner? "Stability" is not a sufficient answer.
The way you describe him -- he sounds more like a friend than someone with whom you'd consider raising children and spending the rest of your life. If that's the case, I'd say taking a break and going out a bit is a good idea.
If you try and ignore your age and dismiss the notion that your biological clock is ticking, and you feel like you're happy with him, then you have your answer.
Either way though, you need to try and seriously talk to him about it. Don't let him change the subject.
I hope that helps.
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