A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:My girlfriend has a folder on her phone that consists of a lot of pictures of beautiful girls. I asked her about it and she said that these girls are pretty and she likes the inspiration because she wants to look like that one day. We're both only in our 20's and in college so she explained she doesn't have money right now to do her hair, get surgery, or buy nice clothes like these girls so it's some sort of motivation for her to work hard so she can afford to look the way she wants. It bothers me because she's gorgeous as is, and I tell her all the time she doesn't need any of that to look good- especially surgery. She insists she doesn't think she's ugly but she simply just wants to enhance her looks. How do I fix her attitude on this?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 August 2018): As a woman with similar issues as your girlfriend has, I would say just keep doing what you are doing. When asked (or when the topic comes up), keep telling her not only does she not need surgery, but that you prefer her the way she is now. Make sure you don't indicate that the surgically enhanced/airbrushed people are more attractive with comments like "well you don't need to be perfect" or "everyone has flaws", because someone insecure will take that to mean that they COULD be perfect to you if they had plastic surgery. So watch how you word things. Ultimately, as the others have said it is up to her, but I know for me it DID help having constant repetitive support that I WAS enough without alteration. Finally starting to believe it after years. I'm sure down the road she will appreciate your support.
A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious  +, writes (25 August 2018):
 Sadly there is probably little more you can do than you are already doing, i.e. telling her she doesn't NEED surgery and is beautiful the way she is.
With any luck, by the time she actually has enough money for surgery, she will have something better to spend that money on and/or will have realized how young women are being manipulated by the marketing industry into believing they need to look a certain way, mostly like these over-enhanced celebrities (many of whom actually look deformed and freakish and looked far better BEFORE surgery).
Having her hair done is one thing. Have completely unnecessary surgery is another thing. Perhaps mention that there is no such thing as risk-free surgery. Going under anaesthetic is ALWAYS a risk. Doing it because you NEED surgery is one thing. Doing it because you WANT surgery is a completely different thing.
Also, there are many reports out there of cosmetic procedures going wrong.
At the moment this all sounds just like a vague bit of dreaming. In your shoes I would not make too big a deal of it, just keep telling her she is gorgeous the way she is. Ultimately, if she thinks tweaking her appearance will make her happier, I doubt there is much you can do to stop her. Hopefully, as she matures, she will realize beauty comes from within and that the beauty industry is a massive multi-million dollar/pound industry which thrives on making women feel they will be happier if they have shinier hair/bigger breasts/a shapelier bum.
If all women woke up tomorrow and said "Heh! I am awesome. I do not NEED a ton of expensive creams/gallons of expensive perfumes and shampoos/surgery to look better, this monster industry would crash and burn overnight. Think about that. It is all playing on women's insecurities (and, more recently, on men's).
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (24 August 2018):
 You don't. This is how she feels and if she wants to go down that route then that is her choice. We all have things that motivate us in life and this is that for her. She has expressed she doesn't feel ugly, which is good. However she wants to enhance her looks for herself and nothing you can say or do will change that.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 August 2018): Excuse me, wrong pronoun:
"She obviously has a grasp on things; because she said they merely inspire and motivate her."
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 August 2018): As the ladies have already told you; you're best to let her deal with it on her own. Self-esteem is homegrown and self-maintained. It's not always about what other people think about you; but what you feel and think about yourself.
He obviously has a grasp on things, because she said they merely inspire and motivate her. Now the surgery bit? That particular matter no one can comment about; because we don't know her and can't see her, so all we can do is speculate.
She's young, and developing her mind and body. Some things she may be considering; but not necessarily committed to. She knows she has options and they are merely under consideration; she may never be able to afford them. Women read magazines and study beauty ads for tips.
If she begins to obsess about looks; or put herself down; then she has a problem. She knows she's not ugly; but she is looking to visuals for inspiration, and women are always in search of ideas for fashion, hair, and makeup. Why do you think the tutorials on YouTube are so popular? They have a huge following for a reason. I've learned a lot about grooming, upgrading my appearance, and even take criticism from my partner; if it improves my appearance and sex-appeal.
Just be supportive and let her know when she goes over the top. She doesn't have to listen to you; but it's a boyfriend's duty to remind her when she goes overboard. Keep complimenting her when she puts in extra effort for you; and don't let her catch you eyeballing other women. Sometimes they are glimpsing you out of their peripheral and taking notes.
She may have found porn on your devices, and/or noticed pics of your lovely contacts on social media. Maybe she has seen all your exes. If none look anything like her...oh-oh! Sometimes that has a very devastating-effect on a woman's ego and self-esteem.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (24 August 2018):
 Why, what's so wrong with her attitude and why does it need to be fixed ?
There's always room for improvement. If someone wants to look the best that she can, she does not necessarily has low self esteem or is insecure or has superficial values etc.etc. It's not necessarily a problem which needs to be fixed.
One can be quite content with the way she looks, just even more content if she looks even better with the improvements money can buy . Make up, the right hair colour and cut, nice clothes can help you go from ok looking or good looking to faboulous, and who does not want to be faboulous, lol.
Of course, if improving your looks does not become an obsession, an all consuming passion- if it does not become all you think about.
If you have a modest salary, and you get into huge debts to buy designer shoes - not good. If all your conversations revolve around diets, liposuction and hair extensions, because that's ALL you ever cared to get informed and read about, - not good.
Other than that, to me a pretty girl who, if she can afford it, wants to buy pretty clothes is simply the equivalent of someone who already speaks 4 languages but wants to learn a fifth one. Why not ? Again, there's always room for improvement.
As for plastic surgery,- it depends. It does seem a bit extreme going through the expenses, the danger and the physical pain just because you can't make peace with the shape of your nose or the size of your boobs. Then again, I think it's a case- by-case thing, not all women who undergo plastic surgery are neurotic, pathetic individuals who chase after a silly dream of beauty and eternal youth.Or people who do not accept themselves or hate their bodies.
One of my nieces used to model until recently. She had the typical model body : very tall, very thin ( by nature - she eats like a truckdriver ! ) and VERY flat-chested. She got fed up of modelling, then she got herself a breast augmentation. A modest B cup, nothing too showy. She said that now she wanted to look like the real herself, a normal, sporty girl next door. Enough with the sophisticated, androginous look. She did not hate her body; she is a goodlooking girl who knows very well she is a good looking girl.
So : it all depends. Not all which does not belong to your way of thinking or your values and priorities , needs to be " fixed ". Maybe you want to fix your gf's attitude because you feel that looks do not matter and the only beauty that counts is inner beauty ; or that if God has given you a certain face and shape, He will have had His own good reasons ; or that there are many better ways to spend money rather than on make up and clothes, or more important things to wish for rather than looking better. Etc. etc. None of these ideas are "wrong" per se, - but they are just opinions, personal opinions. You have your own opinions about the importance and desirability of looking at own's best. And your gf has different opinions.
So, does it means she needs to be " fixed "? If she is your gf, then she needs to think like you, talk like you, dress like you, spend like you ?....
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A
female
reader, Ciar  +, writes (24 August 2018):
 As an aside, and I don't know what your views on this are, but we've all noticed more and more women getting body piercings and tattoos.
Apparently it's ok to jam needles into our bodies and inject chemicals into our skin as long as it's teddy bears, butterflies, Chinese calligraphy or feel good phrases.
But it's not ok for a woman to want a straighter nose.
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A
female
reader, Ciar +, writes (24 August 2018):
You don't. For one thing she doesn't sound obsessed to me. She's not constantly talking about her appearance. She knows she's not ugly but simply wants to make some improvements. Like most people. And she's a way off getting any surgery so your worry is premature.Secondly, your frequent praise of her appearance actually does more harm than good. Apparently looks ARE important to you since you keep talking about hers. And all those compliments are mixed in with 'I love you' so the message being received is 'you're loveable because you're beautiful' which is just as toxic as 'you're unworthy because you're not'. And finally, get off her damn back already. Every day we're bombarded with lectures from others about what to think, what to do, what to eat and not eat, and whom to date. You're both in your early twenties and your priorities will change over time. Just let her grow at her own pace and quit the nagging. No one wants to date their overbearing mother.
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