A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I'm 20, turning 21 very soon, I've never had a boyfriend and it's really depressing me. Any advice would be useful.I'm reasonably physically attractive, take care of my appearance, and have had my fair share of genuine offers from guys to go out (as well as always having random guys ask me out/hit on me on the street...). However, my personal circumstances haven't been right for me to go out with someone at all. I still need to focus on myself right now, but it depresses me that I've never gone beyond kissing/making out with the odd guy in a club at uni.Unfortunately, my home life has never been great. I have an abusive family whom I've cut off contact with, suffered from depression through uni and ended up dropping out after second year. I'm supporting myself with a job now, but I need to pick up the pieces and even my social life could do with some work (I'm socially skilled, but have had such financial issues recently I've been busy and lost touch with almost all my old friends). I feel like those guys who have expressed interest would never date me if they knew "the real me", even if they do consider me pretty. I don't even have a degree, which most people have by 21, and when I do return to uni (I intend to) I'll be 22 at the youngest and a mature student, so can no longer date the guys there. And it would be unfair from my POV to date someone with so much baggage on my plate right now.Realistically, I don't think I'll be in the right place mentally/financially/socially to find a boyfriend till I'm about 21 and a bit, at least. However, it depresses me that I'm single, even though I know that it's the right thing to do right now. My abusive family has already taken a happy childhood away from me, and now it's affecting my adult life too.Advice please? I know I'm doing the right thing for me right now, but I'm worried that people might see me as "weird" for not having had a boyfriend yet.
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 September 2014): Im in my late 20's and ive still never had a girlfriend unfortunately, its been bothering me so much that at age 25 i started seeking help from Dating Coaches, im 26 now will be 27 next year unfortunately
A
female
reader, MSA  +, writes (8 September 2014):
 Congrats and happy early 21st Birthday! Look on the bright side and what an awesome time it is to NOT have a boyfriend!! Take a trip to Las Vegas with some friends, dance, party and have a blast! Make friends with some guys, chat, chill, even make out!! Have the best single life time you can! This is something you MIGHT NOT be able to do when you have a boyfriend!
The truth is, many guys treasure girls who come in later to the dating scene. It really is a good thing. Don't rush it.. and at the time you least expect it, you will meet someone. It always works that way ;-)
Good luck!
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A
male
reader, no nonsense Aidan +, writes (8 September 2014):
I am turning 25 soon and have been single all my life so you are not the only one. Your lack of relationship experience at your age is not uncommon, and there is something else to consider: it isn’t how early your dating life starts that determines how successful at relationships you are. The reason you are so depressed about not having had a boyfriend, is that you have focussed so much on this issue, and pinned all your unhappiness about many things on to it. You’ve conflated it with an abusive home life, your first attempt at university not going well, and so-on. It’s a symptom of a much bigger problem, namely your lack of confidence and unresolved issues. You probably lack a controlled, safe space to talk about how events that have happened to you, and unpleasant experiences you have gone through, have negatively impacted upon you. I suspect that talk of enjoying and embracing your singlehood probably sounds very alien to you, because actually you don’t feel good about yourself. You are also worried that as a mature student, fellow students at uni won’t be dating material for you. You feel that the circumstances aren’t right for you to meet some-one, you’re spending time in the wrong places and you’ve decided your baggage is too much for Mr Right anyway. With all that buzzing around in your head you risk being trapped by fear and never actually making yourself emotionally available enough for him.
This needs tackling in stages. Firstly, I think you should seek counselling. I think you need to take a step back and be able to articulate how your family life has impacted you and your beliefs about yourself and other people, in a setting that is safe and where you can be helped to work through that without judgement.
Secondly, I would suggest you rethink how you come across to others. I would argue that some-one worthy of you wouldn’t see your past as baggage, but rather would accept and deal with your vulnerabilities in the same way you would his, and would do that willingly because he thinks you’re worth getting to know. You can’t put everything in to the first date. You don’t have to reveal everything straight away, but you can use your first meetings to establish if some-one is worth getting to know. And if they put you at ease and you start to gradually reveal more about yourself, it’ll happen naturally because you feel comfortable around that person.
Thirdly, I would suggest online dating would be really good for you. It’s quite a scary world that a lot of people are quite negative about, but if you’re not brimming with confidence and you are anxious it can be wonderful not to go in cold, but know something about each other and exchange some messages before you decide to meet. Not only that, but you’ll meet people outside of your work and university circle.
I wish you all the very best.
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A
female
reader, lovernfighta91 +, writes (8 September 2014):
 you know what at least your not 21 and have a child you could be in worse conditions in where you can be more depressed about things in life. you are turning 21 and have a stable job, independent and all you should focus is on your school work so you can get that degree and not be struggling no more. although you dropped out does not mean anything about you personally. although you maybe 21 you can still date guys at your school which is fine, when you date them date them in public areas so you can get to know them and not just at a club. I understand its depressing to beb alone but surround urself with friends to keep you occupied it dont matter if you havent had a relationship but you can date guys to see what kind of qualities you like in a guy. and no guy should judge you for not ever being in a relationship, and they should not judge you for the real you and if they do they are assholes. So focus on school get yourself situated take date options into consideration and use your mind and know your worth.
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male
reader, olderthandirt  +, writes (8 September 2014):
 Being single is nothing to be depressed about. having a boyfriend is highly over-rated. I was one once or twice so I should know. Life is all about being prepared for the worse case but hoping for the best. No worries you will have nore than your share of boyfriends just interview them prior to falling for them. Be absolutely positive they share your views on life in general and are from a good family before lending them your heart. Be cautious and be happy.
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